Best Birthday Gifts (so far...)
Being called a "Frosty Little Vixen" by Lilly
Compact Mirror with Glamour Girl on the Front
Juicy Tubes
A shower. (yes, alone, it's my birthday, not Fresh's)
Ice Prince giving me his costume jewlery to wear to work

See, it doesn't take much to please me.

Last night's B-day party for The Prince was a huge success. The Cake was amazing and Ted's Rack o'Lamb rocked.

What I Want From My Readers for my Birthday
Sister, Crabby and Radmila: A Girl's Night
Brett: More Coffee Guys! Even in cartoon form.
Sugarmama: A Haiku
Eva: A link! C'mon, I've been good all year!
Grumpy: Surprise me.
Boomer: Digital Photo of me in tiara
Beco: Muttonchops (you, not me)

Another Year Over, and What Have You Done?
Had my wisdom teeth out.
Learned to run.
Put all recipes in a book.
Bought two armchairs.
Unpacked fancy china from move two years ago.
Hosted best Christmas Dinner Ever®
Opened a restaurant in the basement (Souterrain!) in early February
Discovered new recipes.
Won trip to Niagara on The Lake. (check March archives, I’m too lazy to find the reference.)
Got crowned.

Best post of the year
My readers would probably say the Simpsons Discussion (See April 25th). My personal favourites include Ice Queen Idol, where participants had to write a poem using IKEA item names to prove their citizenship (see September 11th) and November 8’s “Smells Like David Miller” song.

And what of next year?

1. Learn to sew
2. Run a little bit, not just when chased.
3. Stop calling work colleague “Scooter”.
4. Start calling work colleague “Sparky” instead.
5. Stop licking dishes to get water spots off when they come out of the dishwasher.
6. Discover hair’s natural colour.
7. Stop buying so many hats.
8. Make own novelty t-shirts. Sell at Distillery district. Make profits.
9. Scrub tub.
10. Use “sassy” in a sentence daily. (written or spoken)
11. Get dry cleaning done more regularly.
12. Don’t throw out dirty pans just because I don’t want to scrub them.
13. Use my powers for good, not evil.
14. Don’t make fun of the peasants.
15. Climb the corporate ladder.
16. Finally toilet train the Ice Prince.
17. Get my tubes tied.
18. Invite over some dinner guests who aren’t famous.
19. Paint. (art, not walls)

P.S. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 35. This does not bother me. I do not hide my birthday – how can people give you presents if they don’t know when it is? Boomer and Beco are taking me for lunch and I will be wearing my repaired tiara. Boomer will hopefully remember his digital camera so I can post a picture of my lovely visage and coiffure. Then Fresh and I will have a quiet dinner at home with good wine and probably take out from the Pusateri’s counter. Having a birthday at New Year’s is a pain – even if you want to go out for just a nice dinner it’s $150 per person (and that includes all the Bubbling Baby Buffalo “champagne” you can drink).

All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses An Eye

This is a lot harder than you think it is.

Here's mine.

The Prince Formerly Known As Two

Today is Ice Prince's 3rd Birthday. I have made him this by special request. It's all he asked for. He could barely fall asleep last night for thinking about it and asking about it.

We are having some friends over who have a daughter The Prince's age. We are having Rack of Lamb à la Ted Allen. It is marinating as we speak. My mom has put together a tickle trunk full of the strangest costume things (slippers with fun fur, hats, jewelry, glasses with fake noses, etc.). I think it will go over well.

I got the Prince an umbrella. It was sticking out of my bag yesterday and he said: "Is that my own special umbrella?" I tried to hide it, but he got it. At least he likes it.

On the way home yesterday he sighed. "What's wrong?" "Oh Mommy, " he said, "I've had a rough day." Poor kid. When you turn 3, the weight of the world falls on your shoulders.

Forbidden Words!
You heard it here first: Matt Groening's Forbidden Words for 2003.
(Note: I am officially rescuing "sassy" off the list and plan to use it daily. Sassy!)
Feel free to add your own. I'm adding "Paris Hilton", "Neverland", "Spend" (as a noun) and "Socialized" (as in "I socialized this idea before I implemented it.")

CODE RED
KILLER AP
FENG SHUI
USA PATRIOT ACT
SAME OLD SAME OLD
CODE YELLOW
OPERATION INFINITE JUSTICE
BLOGOSPHERE
REALITY TV
FAITH-BASED
THE EVIL ONES
ADVERTORIAL
TOTAL INFORMATION AWARENESS PROGRAM
BRAIN FART
NO-BRAINER
SYNERGY
CODE GREEN
TOFURKEY
TO DIE FOR
LEFT COAST
AXIS OF EVIL
IN DENIAL
AFFORDABLE
TOON
RACIAL PROFILING
PASSÉ
UPSKIRT
CODE BLUE
AWARD-WINNING
WAY COOL
MEME
SASSY
CLOSURE
EXTREME
MUST-HAVE
STARTER MARRIAGE
CODE ORANGE
AT THE END OF THE DAY
WEAPONIZE

Resolution Review

Sugarmama has a review of her 2003 resolutions. Let's see how I did:
1. Put all recipes in a book.
Done! And I use it often. It's fabulous.
2. Exercise sometimes.
Done and done! Remember when I took up running? I think I'll start again.

I believe in setting attainable goals.

Coming soon, the 2004 Ice Queen Resolutions.

Next stop, the dual birthdays
Well, I pulled it off. Twenty people in two days. Everything was perfect (Except dad thought the gravy tasted "funny". That'd be the port.) I had a holiday hangover yesterday and slept and now I feel much better.

Two best gifts of Christmas were:
1. Ice Prince was somehow replaced with a perfect angel child who looks just like him but makes polite conversation with obscure relatives and doesn't spill red juice on his white dress shirt.
2. And then there was my parents' news:
We sit down to dinner. Mom says:
"We have something very important to tell you."
Me: "You're not pregnant, are you?"
Her: "It's life changing...." And she begins to roll up her sleeves. "Where's yours?" she asks my Dad.
Me: "Omigod, you both got tattoos."
Her: "Nope, we quit smoking. We're on the patch."
It's been five weeks! They're clean! I'm so proud!

All my real gifts were things for the kitchen, which would insult other women, but drive me to paroxysms of joy.

More later. Ice Prince is upstairs looking for "Chocolate, to make you feel better."

Santa, baby!
Spent money at Pier One instead of IKEA and bought two of these armchairs.

Hurrah! Furniture!

I do love a good intern....

What Famous Leader Are You?

What Muppet Am I?

I have to say, I'm a little surprised...but on second thought....sigh.


You are Scooter.
You are a loyal, hardworking person, better known
as a doormat.

SPECIAL TALENTS:
Going for stuff.
LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Go For Broke!"

QUOTE:
"15 seconds to showtime."

LAST BOOK READ:
"300 New Ways to Get Your Uncle to Get You a
Better Job "

NEVER LEAVES HOME WITHOUT:
Coffee, clipboard, and Very Special Guest Stars.


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Say What?

When I type "shallots" into the search field of Grocery Gateway, I get an entry for Panty Shields.

A Repast Sauvage
Lilly asks the Ice Chef what to serve with duck. An excellent question. I would recommend:
Wild rice stuffing with Hazelnuts and cranberries
Green beans with bacon and shallots
Spiced Yam Pudding

Catch and Release Program Chez Reine
Six Million Dollar Cat and I caught another mouse this morning. He corners them and I pick them up in a tea towel and carry them outside. I love their cute little faces as I carry them out. (Don’t worry, I dispose of the tea towels.)

This makes three mice so far. I hope it’s not just the same mouse coming back in, but if he’s got a Death Wish, that’s his problem, not mine.

I wanna be a transvestite
1. Taller
2. Better legs
3. Better hairs (wigs!)
4. More fun clothes
5. They’re supposed to look over the top
6. Get to lip synch in front of appreciative (read – drunk) audiences

Sigh. Maybe I was one in a former life and I’m just feeling the aftereffects.

It’s all good
My Christmas bonus is better than expected!
And less tax deducted than I thought!
Boss says I’m “creative and resourceful”.
I’m done pretty much all my major stuff I need to do before holidays.
Tomorrow’s my last day until Dec. 28th.
My birthday’s coming up.
I have a tiara to wear on my birthday and other worthy occasions. Like Thursdays.
I am going to IKEA this weekend. With my bonus. Which won’t last long at IKEA Hot damn!

Mary keeps her little lamb for now
Both sets of relatives want turkey for dinner on consecutive nights. Ugh! But I make such fine beef tenderloin! And what about the rack of lamb? I don’t even much like turkey. Well, they’re just getting really wild side dishes then – like Wild Mushrooms and Chestnuts. My creativity cannot be stifled!

This Holiday Season, Practice Temperance
"Three examples of temperance from the sixteenth century make the exceptions that prove the rule. The Venetian Alvise Cornaro promoted temperance in word and deed. He wrote a book, Discourses in favour of a sober life, in which he advocated a diet of extreme renunciation, confirmed by his own example; he drank only not quite .4 of a liter of wine a day, which is more than half a modern bottle of wine. In The Life of the Duke of Newcastle, written by his wife, the duke received praise for his temperance; she wrote, "In his diet, he is so sparing and temperate, that he never eats nor drinks beyond his set proportion." His set proportion was three glasses of beer and two of wine a day. The final exception to prove the rule was a temperance society founded at Hesse in 1600. Its members agreed to restrict their drinking to seven glasses of wine with each meal."

Sentimental Journey
Via Grumpy Bunny and others.....

Favorite Holiday Movie:
Christmas Vacation and Christmas Story
Favorite Holiday TV Special:
Rudolph
Favorite Holiday Song:
200 Miles by the Pretenders or Gabriel’s Song by Sting
Favorite Holiday Read:
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Yes! Yes!
Favorite Holiday Drink:
Red wine, as always. But some ice wine at midnight is nice too.
Favorite Holiday Sweets:
Chocolate covered pretzels.
Favorite Holiday Food:
Turnip. And bread stuffing done in the bird.
Favorite Holiday Wearable:
Black velvet scoop neck top (going on 9 years old now. Wore to Crabby’s last Sat.). And this year: a skirt made out of a sari.
Favorite Holiday Tradition:
No one is allowed in the living room until everyone is up and coffee is brewed. (Okay I admit that this tradition sucked when I was a kid, but I really appreciate it now.)
Favorite Holiday Decoration:
White twinkle lights and lots of ‘em..
Favorite Holiday Scent:
Onion and sage frying up for the bread stuffing early in the morning.
Favorite Holiday Sound:
The radio playing carols as the car goes crunch, crunch in the snow at on Christmas Eve. And the Ice Prince snoring softly in the back seat.
Favorite Holiday Entertainment:
Removing the cat from the middle inside of the tree without knocking off any ornaments.
Favorite Holiday Scene:
Sleepy Ice Prince in red jammies by tree light.
Favorite Holiday Thought:
Linus saying: “And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” Sniff!
Favourite Childhood Memory:
Dad making the gingerbread house and adding rude things, like a gingerbread dog excreting piles of ovation sticks in the front yard of the gingerbread house.

This politically incorrect moment brought to you by Davezilla!

You want that I should tell you my heritage?
Radmila thinks I sound Eastern European. I'm actually pure Scottish, with a smidge of Thornhill Jewish thrown in from one summer living with Sister Staceypatrick, who is not my sister

Some people say I have a slight accent. My own mother laughs at the way I pronounce some things!
Clarke = Quirk
Car keys = Cookies

You get the idea.

I've been working on my 100 things, but I'm running out of steam. Anybody want to add anything?

Myth of Ice Queen as Dirty Girl Exposed

Congratulations! You're Legolas!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks god I'm not more Schwanger!

Altavista's Babelfish translates and untranslates part of my last post:

"Christmas in the youth of Queen of ice

Christmas 1988 were my first Christmas with costs. I lived in a basement apartment. I bought a true tree, but the means the decorations couldn’t so we hung all my jewels 80s Kontrollichter except him. The beads were particularly nice. I have had freshly and my family more, in order to eat it in my small kitchen to evening. We drank the black revolution. I had a terrible Permian, and my hair was a certain odd red color. It was the night, where I mean family members to say had I traveled inside with costs. I waited my family left up to the remainder and then have in him gebaut? “Something, in order to say to you. They cannot approve of. Think it’s for the best. Blah blah.of Blah” But the time let I it outside mein? Oh per nut mother escape, thanks God, I thought that you were more schwanger! ? "

Christmas in the Ice Queen’s Youth

1979
I desperately wanted (and received) the brand new Styx album. My mom made me a whole bunch of clothes and hung them all up on the mantel. I was thrilled! (no sarcasm) She also made me an elf outfit which I may, if you’re lucky) post a picture of me wearing. Maybe even today.

1984
Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmastime?” was on the radio, and for Christmas I got a walkman (brand new technology!) and the new Bryan Adams cassette (brand new rock star!)

1987
My first year of university in residence. For Christmas from my Grandma and Grandpa I got an adult sized set of pink fuzzy sleepers with feet. “We heard there was a co-ed bathroom.”

Sister Staceypatrick came home with me right before Christmas. “Are there any clubs around here?” she said. “Just the 4-H club,” I replied.

1988
Christmas 1988 was my first Christmas with Fresh. I lived in a basement apartment. I bought a real tree, but couldn’t afford the decorations so we hung all of my gaudy 80s jewelry off it. The pearls were particularly nice.

I had Fresh and my family over for dinner in my wee kitchen. We drank Black Tower. I had a horrible perm and my hair was some odd red colour.

That was the night I had to tell my parents I was moving in with Fresh. I waited until the rest of my family left and then built into it. “Something to tell you. You may not approve. Think it’s for the best. Blah blah blah.” But the time I blurted it out my mother said “Oh, thank God, I thought you were pregnant!”

Solcher Excitement!

And now for something completely different.

This Saddam Sound Bite Brought to you by Fresh
I won't go into all the details, because I don't want it to go in Frank mag, but sufffice it to say that Fresh had to get up early on Sunday because the Pri.me Mi.ni.ster wanted to speak to B.ill. Such excitement!

Bush: 5 Dignity of Fellow Man: 0
Yes, he's a bad man, but did they have to show that humiliating doctor's examination on the TV? That shows no class.

Coronation
I was crowned. I will use my power for good, not evil (like preventing people from buying novelty Christmas cardigans and the obliteration Cool Whip from the face of the earth.) I plan to wear my crown for special occasions, such as my birthday lunch with Boomer and Beco. Thank you, Crabby! You're the best!


And just 'cause I like it.

Fresh as the new fallen snow
Fresh’s boss has remained M.inister of F.oreign.A.ffairs. Very strange to watch the 11 o’clock news to find out what department (if any) you’re working with. For those who don’t know, Fresh works in the constituency office, so he works for Bill and they work with whatever ministry Bill has at the time.

Poor Fresh. His plane got in very late last night due to fog. Bill sent a lovely hand painted silk scarf for me (no, he didn’t paint it himself. Or maybe he did…)

Last night I played Christmas music and felt Christmassy for the first time this year. I did a bit of decorating and cleaning and yes! I finished the cards! I never write anything inside except signing them. I don’t know why. So don’t be offended, just enjoy the lovely picture of the front. These are the cards I bought in October.

Ice Prince has a fever on and off this week. Fresh is home with him most of today. I have to go home this aft and I’ll miss most of the Christmas party at work. Oh well. Just have to squeeze five pints into one hour, I guess.

Yes, it’s party season now! Tomorrow is Crabby’s. I’ll remember the pickle dishes.

My birthday is coming up New Year's Eve (35). I must remember to tell new readers the birthday story of why Fresh is called Fresh. And why it won us a trip.

When did RIM become a verb?

You know those hand held devices called RIMs (short for Research in Motion, the company that makes ‘em).

Anyhow, when did it become a verb?

I really don’t need to hear, “Well, we can RIM her anytime.” while I’m enjoying my tea in my cubicle.

So Fresh was away last night in Ottawa. I had great plans to wash the kitchen floor and do all the Christmas cards, but I totally vegged and watched the Food Network.

Did you know that candy canes start off as one 100 lb stick before they are twisted out into individual sticks? It’s true!

Christmas Joke:
How much do Santa’s Reindeer cost?
Nothing, they’re on the house!

For those of you who actually work in my building, drop by my veal fattening pen for a special Christmas treat:

Photos of me as a wee icicle with Santa!

Someday when I have the time and maybe money I'll figure out how to get pictures up on the blog. D'oh!

For the Girl Who Has Everything

Talk about raising the bar on Christmas presents.

Aw, you shouldn't have. But I'm glad you did.

> What Christmas Carol are you?

You are 'Silent Night'! You really enjoy
Christmas, and you like your Christmases
conventional. For you, Christmas is about
family and traditions, and you rather enjoy the
rituals of going to church at midnight and
turning off the lights before flaming the plum
pudding. Although you find Christmas shopping
frustrating, you like the excitement of
wrapping and hiding presents, and opening a
single door on the Advent Calendar each day.
You like the traditional carols, and probably
teach the children to sing along to them. More
than anyone else, you will probably actually
have a merry Christmas.

Late Weekend Update
So you’re dying to know how dinner with the neighbours went, right? Eh, it was okay. They tell lots of stories about getting and being drunk and the husband asks very personal questions. At one point he asked how we were “going to go about not have any more children”. After a silence, I said with a straight face: “Separate bedrooms.”

Oh and the wine was Peller Estates. ‘Nuff said. But at least it was wine. Lots and lots of wine.

So the jury’s out. They’re okay, I guess. Not class acts like my current friends, right amigos? I hate making new friends. It’s too hard.

And Ice Prince met Santa Claus walking up Bayview. Yep, the real thing. Santa stopped and gave IP a candy cane. IP now loves Santa. “He gave me a candy cane and I ate it all up. Yum!”

Decree From he Ice Queen
Any recipe that includes the words "package of" or "can of" is hereby banned. Those using the following products will be punished:
Onion Soup Mix
Ranch Dressing
Cool Whip (automatic life sentence)
Marshmallow fluff
Corn flakes
Jello
Anything with the picture of the Pillsbury dough boy EXCEPT for those butter flake rolls, for sentimental reasons

It's Turtle Day! Why? Why not?
At 4:00 am this morning, someone came to my blog looking for "motivational sayings about turtles."

I don't even remember mentioning turtles here ever. Never mind being the definitive source of motivational sayings about them. Maybe I should be.

" A rolling turtle gathers no moss."
"A turtle in the hand is worth two in the bush."
"It's all fun and games until someone lose a turtle."
"Don't take any wooden turtles."
"If I had a turtle for every time I heard that..."
"Let he who is without sin cast the first turtle."

More Interactive Fun in Da Fief!

Shamelessly stolen from The Enigma, who stole it from someone else.

Choose any band and then answer the questions in song titles.

BAND: Sting/The Police

1. Are you male or female?: "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic""
2. Describe yourself: "Fragile"
3. How do some people feel about you?: "Super Freak" (Okay, that's by Rick James.) how about Sting's cover of "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" with Jeff Beck
4. Describe your girlfriend/ boyfriend/ spouse interest: "Synchronicity"
5. How do you feel about yourself?: "King (errr Queen) of Pain"
6. Where would you rather be?: "Fields of Gold"
7. Describe how you live: "Don't Stand So Close to Me"
8. Describe how you love: "Why Should I Cry For You?" "Wrapped Around Your Finger"
9. Share a few words of wisdom: "Da Doo Doo Doo Da Da Da Da. That's all I have to say to you."

Did You Know?

When you do a google search on "declaration of Independence painting pantless" my site is the only result.

Yes, someone actually searched for it. I hope I helped.

Do I Have to Bring My Own Cat And If They Supply One Do I Get To Keep It?

So, went to get my flu shot. Piece o'cake. Told the doctor how very very tired I still am. Doc Hibbert looks concerned and says they was still a spot on my lungs in my last xray, but he figured it was the last of the pneumonia. So he's sending me for a CAT scan. In Ajax. In January. Me-ow! Not!

And he sent me for a blood test. By then, I had missed one meeting and had to run in late to another meeting. As I'm sitting there, I'm thinking "Is that blood I feel running down my arm? Nah." I look down and it's soaking through my jacket (black, so very subtle.). So I sit there applying pressure trying to look interested and writing notes. (I didn't just walk out becuase a) I was already heading for the shit list and b) I had already bled through the jacket anyhow c) what would I say, "excuse me, I'm bleeding?" There is no etiquette for such an occasion.)

In other news, I checked the o'l blamblog and as I was admiring the new banner, it suddenly looked to me like it said bjambjog. So today's task: go pick yourself out a Swedish name. I've got another insanely busy day ahead, so I'll try to keep my bodily fluids to myself in today's meetings and check back later.

Sköl!

Suitable for Framing
I don't know who to credit, because I've seen this lots of places, but if you haven't yet, go visit Mr. Picasso Head! Fun for the whole family.

Take the Money and Run
The big news in the sandbox this morning is suspected f.raud.

The daycare supervisor suddenly started asking for cash because “we get lots of cheques bouncing”. I had never bounced a cheque, but figured it must be a new policy. This went on for about eight months. Well, guess who is no longer working there? Intrigue galore. Wonder if the kids spend the day sewing labels on La Senza undies?

Flu’s That Girl?
I’m a-gettin the flu shot. I won’t take a Tylenol when I have a headache, but I’ll gladly take whatever vaccine they have for anything. Watch me come down with the flu later today. Oh, the irony!

What Were They Thinking?
You know, I moved around a lot as a kid, and there are lots of different things we sold for school fundraisers: cookies, wrapping paper, chocolate covered almonds, spices, cookie dough, but the weirdest was: citrus fruit.

Oh sure, it’s easy to sell an orange, right? Try selling a case. Yep, we had to sell full cases of oranges and grapefruit. Not exactly something you carry in your backpack. I sold one, which all of my relatives split. No one should have to eat that much fruit.

Flu are you? Flu, flu, flu flu!
I’m finally getting my flu shot on Thursday, so everybody lay off already!

New Friends
Our neighbours behind us have invited us over for dinner on Friday. What if they’re religious or swingers or, worst of all, teetotalers?! And another problem: Those who know and love me know that I overdress for everything. That’s part of my quirky charm. How can I introduce the neighbours to my quirky charm without intimidating them or making them think I’m a snob? I like wearing nylons. Maybe if I wear a long skirt, the nylons will be less obvious. I can’t use the “just came from the office” excuse, since I live right behind them. Mind you, they’ve probably seen me out in the backyard in my full Queen attire weeding, so maybe they won’t be so surprised. The night of the big fire next door, everyone else was out front in jammies and I was in a black sleeveless dress. Fashion first, safety second. But I wore flats; I’m not a total snob.

If I obsess like this about new friends, imagine how I was when I was dating?

Christmas is coming, the Queen is getting hyper

Too freakin’ cold to take Ice Prince to meet Santa Tant pis.

Watched Queer Eye last night and Fresh has decided we should serve his family rack of lamb for Christmas dinner. Holy crap! Does this show have some kind of subliminal messaging that changes men into trendy fashionistas? Not that I’m complaining, but we may need raises.

On vaguely the same topic, I had a brilliant (but way too expensive) Christmas gift idea for Fresh. I would like to Queer Eye/While You Were Out his home office, which right now is a ugly stoage space, but has lovely potential. I could paint it, but I can’t afford much furniture. Well, it’s something I’ll keep in mind. Wouldn’t that be cool? He’d love it. Anyone got a leather club chair lying around that they don’t need? Brown, preferably.

I am also adding to my Christmas list one of those electric cars. And a parking space at Church and Bloor. Thanks, Santa Baby.

And more on Christmas: I am downloading Christmas music en francais to add a certain je ne sais quoi to the precedings Très chic!

Anyone have an ice cream maker I can borrow for the holidays? It’s something I’d love to try, but I wouldn’t buy one.

I’m sitting here trying to write a précis of a bunch of material. Sometimes I feel my job should be Business Jargon Translator. Why can’t these people write in English? Leverage this, pal.

Tomorrow is a big day.

Tomorrow, The Ice Prince Meets Santa Claus.

No, it’s not a B-Movie from the 50s; it’s my life. How about that semi-colon, eh? Just threw that casually in there, like I use ‘em all the time. Anyhow…

Tomorrow, Ice Prince and I are going to the Eaton’s Centre (where there is no Eaton’s, ironically). We will walk by Santa and wave. We’ll watch other kids sit on his knee. And if Ice Prince would like to, he can go sit on Santa’s knee too.

And I will try very hard not to spend too much in Tristan and Iseult, one of my new favourite stores and also the topic of one of my favourite poems (by George Bowering, I think).

Want a Hawaiian Punch?
Sugarmama was talking about disgusting jello desserts on her blog today which reminded me of one of my favourite ad tag lines ever:

“Hey you kids, get out of that jello tree!”

That always cracks me up. Other ad sayings that have the same effect include:
“Snausages!”
“Give me bacon! Where’s the bacon? Oh my god, I can’t read!” Commercial where dog is watching groceries being unloaded.

It’s Buy Nothing Day. Ah, who am I kidding…
Some google searchers have been finding this site by asking “What does the Queen get for Christmas?” An excellent question.
The only thing I always get for Christmas is Smarties (from my parents) and a Kinder Egg (from Fresh).

What does the Queen want for Christmas? That’s an even better question! Dust off your knee, Santa, and get ready to take notes:

A Vespa
A Kitchen Aid standing mixer
Anything from Kitchen Stuff or other houseware stores
Spa gift certificate(s)
Vases
Candles (unscented) and candle holders
Hot Rollers. Maybe the kind that mist.
IKEA (the whole store, except things made with chipboard)
Tablecloths, napkins, placemats
Nanny
Hair doodads (clips, barrettes, ponytail holders)
Anything that makes me laugh
Big cushions
Rice Steamer
Shed (wooden with a window with shutters and a window box)
Year’s supply of black and hint o’ black 10 denier nylons
Calendar. (no kittens or puppies, please)
And all the children of the world to join hands together in peace and harmony.

God Save The Queer
I love watching Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, and it's been on twice in a row so far this week. Usually it's only Sundays at 8pm. Anyhow...I'm addicted. If you don't know what this is...(IQ shakes her head sadly).

I love the quotes from Carson:
"I used to have hair just like yours. Of course, my name was Louise and I lived in Germany."

"Shopping is my cardio."

"Repeat after me...I am worthy of couture!"

Carson - "Where do you find shirts like this?"
John B. - "K-Mart."
Carson - *Gasps* "Don't use that kind of language in front of me!"

“Spa treatments are expensive, but you know what's more expensive? Divorce.”

Even Quizilla has gotten in on the QEFTSG craze:

What Fab 5 member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy are you?(with pics)

You are so a TED Allen: The Food and Wine
Connoisseur, Go work in that kitchen, boo ya!

And I promise to a certain someone that I didn't cheat on this one:
> Which Member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is your type?

Thom: Design Doctor




Wanna be a fan? You'll need the Queer Eye Drinking Game.

I guess football legend Elton John was busy

Our nearby hospital recently had a big anniversary celebration. "On hand was arcade wizard Pinball Clemons," an article in out local paper stated.

Too Much Information

A co-worker of mine (not Boomer or Beco) has started up his own business in addition to his day job as a banker. Check this out if you need a unique gift for your boss, father-in-law or accountant. (Note: Not particularly work-safe. May offend librarians, shut-ins and members of the PTA.)

I was happy to see that said co-worker is not involved in modelling the product. As far as I can tell.

Lost and Found
Not only did they still have my dry cleaning from 5 weeks ago, they found two skirts I had taken in LAST October. Nice ones too!

Now if someone could only find me a pair of comfy high heeled boots that would fit around my calves.......

They Like Me! They Really Like Me!
So today was my first day back at work in more than 5 weeks. The Senior Vice President phoned me up and told me how nice it was that I was back and that they'd missed me.

Weapon of Choice
Whip. I'd really like to be a good whip handler. Feminine but powerful. Easy to pack. Doesn't sent off alarms. Sexy. Doesn't need refills. Self-retrieving.

Weapon of Choice
A Damn Fine® music video.

Seen and Heard
Sign on door to mall (scratched out letters replaced by stars in this post):
*ho*s and shi*t required

In the Fabricland at Lunch:
Lady 1: How did you remember I had that tabelcloth?
Lady 2: Isn't it amazing? I have a photogenic memory.

Worse Than Opening Up Some Bags the Daycare Sent Home with Spoiled Undies and Clothes From Ice Prince's Training Accidents
Finding some other kid's soiled clothes and undies.

Och, ha'e ye time for a wee chin wag?

So I've been enjoying reading Vitamin Q. I found a post where he lists "Things which, if you sit with a group of friends in a bar for long enough, you will, eventually discuss." I figure we're all friends here so draw a pint or pull a cork and I'll save you the trouble:

1 your middle names
Elizabeth
2 first crush on a famous person
Jimmy Baio. Yup, not Scott Baio, but his C List cousin. He was on "Soap". A google search reveals no teenage photos of him, even though he was in Tiger Beat every issue for a while.
3 embarrassing vomit stories
Freshman year: getting up repeatedly to throw up while a certain someone named Sister Staceypatrick was trying to get physical in the next bed in my dorm room.
4 relationships with your siblings
No siblings.
5 sweets, toys and TV from the past
Oh, I discussed these on the blog before. See archives.
6 childhood nicknames
Devil Dick. My son also gets called this by my Mom. Fresh thought it sound rude, but I think it's just an old Scottish Expression.
7 the one drink you can't drink anymore
Eggnog (from a Brandy and Eggnog experience on my 19th birthday.)
8 first record bought
I remember receiving Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell. The first record I remember buying was some Billy Joel 45. (Chip, if you're reading, those were small records with one song on each side.)
9 your parent's first names
Peter and Nancy
10 'unbelievable' coincidences
Can't think of any right now.
11 loss of virginity particulars
Boring! No, really. Although it would have happened earlier if Sister Staceypatrick hadn't come back early from pub one fateful night. I remember flipping the lock shut from inside every time she opened it in order to give my young man a chance to dress. She just though she couldn't open it 'cause she was really drunk.
12 prizes or competitions you have won
I wrote a whole blog post on this. Most recently was the trip to Niagara on the Lake.
13 paranormal experiences
Regular readers will know that my dear departed Nana communicates with me and protects me in mysterious ways.

It occurs to me that most of my stories involve Sister Staceypatrick and drink. Draw your own conclusions.

Feeling tipsy? Feel free to divulge.

Ain't it the truth? (Link will probably only work today, because the content changes daily..)

Updates
The Six Million Dollar Testosterone Furball does NOT have another urinary infection. He got bit on the neck by another cat in a fight and now he's infected. Men!

My boss phoned me up to tell me that I still didn't sound better and was I sure I was ready to come back to work? Shouldn't I rest more? Ask my doctor again, she urged. Uh, Boomer, is she trying to get rid of me or does she really care? Please tell me the office is falling apart without me (or under control falling apart, Everything is just managing to get done until my triumphant return. Tell me that. Or at least deadly dull.)

In other news, my holiday party invitations are rolling in. Party Girl is back! I love it! Cooking, outfits, shopping, drinking...it's all good!

Office Space: One of My Favourite Movies of All Time

Pre-Hyptnotized Peter


What Office Space character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla and Kandy's Dish, for which I am too freakin' lazy to go find the link right now. Sister Stace has it on her link list.

If you haven't seen it and you work in a office, you MUST rent it. Or better yet, buy it. Go now to the video store. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. I think I'll rent it again today. It should be a good orientation for returning to the office on Monday.

Shhhhhh...don't tell me mum

I have inquired into THIS.

No, seriously I have. I'll let you know what response I get and if I follow through, which I just may. No, really.

I'm thinking rib cage. Somewhere that can't be seen in a sun dress, but if I'm wearing a shirt at a party, I can show it without anyone requiring a cold shower. (Although I do have a lovely rib cage.....)

Our Babysitter, The ECE Student

In my e-mail: Ice Prince is fine, although he thinks he's a dog. "A black dog! Rrrwoof! Pant, pant!"

In her reply e-mail: It's great to hear he's exploring dramatic play. It's so integral to a child's learning as it helps them represent their world around them in a manageable way.

Isn't she great? And she brings him costumes and playdough and books when she comes. I love her!

Prospective Bad Day
Six Million Dollar Cat© is going to the vet this morning. I thought he had last year's infection because he became so listless last night, but when I went to scritch him under the chin this morning, there was a big lump. Oooooohhhhhhh......

Please send your prayers to Saint Francis of Assisi or the pagan god of your choice. Bastet, maybe.

Fine. Be that way.

Comments have been sporadic lately. The hell with that.

Comments have been changed to Haloscan. Let's see if that works any better.

I suddenly feel much better! I know, I have to take it easy for a while and learn to delegate. But it's so hard! I love to do stuff.

Things to Do With My Newfound Energy
Have friends over for dinner.
Go out for dinner.
Cook things in my newly assembled recipe book
Get a set of nails put on for the holiday season.
Buy tops. (Skirts at Value Village are great but second hand tops are grody-rific)
Buy slipcover at IKEA and Ice Prince's Christmas present - an easel.
Make Christmas presents for friends and family
Make outdoor Christmas decorations using ice and berries (from 2001 Food and Drink Holiday issue)
Make drinks using ice and berries (Ibid.) Don't confuse the two.


Resolutions to Keep me Healthy
Split pick up and drop off Ice Prince duties with Fresh.
Eat more fruit.
Do laundry regularly, not every two weeks.
Pre-cook meals (eg pastitsio, lasagna)
Dress warmly (did I mention my adorable new coat? I got an adorable matching hat. Boomer....we need pictures!)
Start running. Slooooooooooooowly.
Don't stay up to watch the Daily Show With Jon Stewart. Hmmm...try taping?
Learn to tape things on VCR.

Playing in my Head:Smooth Criminal covered by Alien Ant Farm. Good stuff! Go download it, Beco. You'll like it.

Hey, if you had your own psycho-wacko theme park(à la Neverland), what would you have it it? I have to think....but there would defintely be Meerkats (properly cared for by a Meerkat specialist of course.) and otters. A wave pool and water slide. Tilt-O-Whirl and Scrambler. Carnival games. Wooden roller coaster. Concert venue. Ice Cream Waffle vendor. Tiny Tom donuts. Go Karts. Place where you can dress up in funny clothes and get your picture taken. Old-fashioned fireworks at night. A electric water parade. These neon stick that glow when you crack em in half. Bumper boats. Log flume ride. Oh, and of course a musical extravaganza "Tribute to the Ice Queen".

Present idea #1
This Santa t-shirt made me laugh.

Visit to Dr. Hibbert

So the night before I went to see Dr. H, I watched the Simpsons episode where Dr. Hibbert teaches "How to Strip For Your Wife" at night school. "This is not a chuckling matter."

Anyhow, I can go back to work on Monday, even though I am still very tired. I am hoping that the pre-Christmas frenzy of work has already been assigned and I will merely get to coast until Christmas. And what of the Christmas Party? How have them managed without Party Girl?

All will be revealed on Monday.

I had a dream that my dry cleaner gave away all the clothes that I took in 6 weeks ago. Mind you I also dreamt that Crabby hired me to look after the fish pond in her McDonalds/car dealership.

The Ice Bore

Yeah, I haven't blogged in a while. Not much new.

Read six books. Napped. Put all my recipes in a binder (my New Year's Resolution). Napped. Got some art supplies. Napped. Downloaded Christmas music. Napped.

That's about it for my exciting life. Got my follow-up appointment with Dr. Hibbert tomorrow to see if I'm ready to go back to work soon.

Good luck to Crabby on getting her tattoos removed today! Virtual Tapioca for you!

"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Kodos": The Ice Queen's Election Special

A piece on the ol' blamblog has inspired a new tune. Brett ponders: If Miller looks like a mayor and thinks like a mayor, does he smell like a mayor? The Icicle Fief went straight to the Ouija Board to ask the world's foremost expert, Kurt Cobain:

Smells like David Miller

Load up on Pez and
Bring your friends
No fun to lose
I won’t pretend
I don’t just run
To pay the rent
Got to go meet
Some constituents

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Must admit I’ve got great hair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Though Babs thinks it unfair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
They’ve been hintin’
I’m like Clinton
Eating Cheetos
In my speedo
Yeah

Babs got worse, failed the test
And for this gift I feel blessed
She’s pretty cute though, she’s no hag
She vaguely looks like me in drag

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Only ran on a dare
Here I am now
I am your mayor
Look sincere, like I care
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Don’t like jets
Don’t incinerate
Reduce murder
Have some burgers
Yeah!

And why am I
So squeaky clean?
Use Irish Spring
And some Brylcreem
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello
Not like Thatcher, more like Blair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Did I mention, my great hair?
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Tom is E.T.
John is needy
Babs is biding
Tory’s bribing
Yeah, a denial
A denial
A denial...


Go on out and vote for the candidate of your choice. And don't forget to take your Pez.

(This post was in no way paid for by the Campaign to elect David Miller. Unfortunately. But if the campaign would like to send along some money retroactivately, that'd be grand. Thanks.)

Oh, and I finally added Radmila to my blog links! Welcome!

"What do you get when you kiss a girl?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After that, she'll never phone ya
I'll never fall in love again."

Not much new Chez Couch. I went out on...Tuesday? I went to Value Village and bought a winter coat (mine's at work. Don't ask. I store all my clothes at work. Sometimes I leave them at parties. Sometimes I take them to drycleaners and forget about them. Sometimes I lend them to friends and forget about them.) Anyhow, it's a very cool coat. You must see it. Or I must convince Boomer to get his new web thing up and running so I can post a picture. Plus, I need a new hat (the fall hat does not match the winter coat, more's the pity.)

Only problem with going out is that the next day, I sleep all day. like 8 am - 3 pm.

Got paid today, then paid all my bills online and now have no money. What a rip.

Finished The Corrections. Bloody waste of time. I am now reading Timothy Findley's The Piano Man's Daughter, which is pretty good so far. I loved his Famous Last Words and Not Wanted on the Voyage.

Oh, and work sent me flowers! Isn't that just so sweet? I know I've been away a long time, when I don't recognize all the names on the card. (Boomer: it took me a full hour to figure out who D.B. is. Don't tell him, he'll be insulted. Or pleased with himself.)

Bad Metaphors? That Reminds Me to Work on My Poetry
I bought some books to keep me from digging a moat around the house. (Anyone remember that episode of Family Ties?)

On Sunday, I read Adrian Mole: The Capuccino Years. The hero is in his 30s, his son is about to turn 3, and someone dies of pneumonia. Now I don't have to write my autobiography.

Yesterday I began Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. National Book Award Winner. Bestselling. Oprah's choice (although Franzen was the frood who refused to have Oprah stickers on his books.) It has some of the absolute worst metaphors I have ever read. I must tell you some. They're awful!

"Her open eye was like nearly black balsamic vinegar beading on white china."

"To Chip, the air felt disagreeably intimate, like a warm spot in a swimming pool." (And then there's the issue of his characters' names.)

"But from her underpants -- an affectionate warm rabbit came springing." (God, I hope that's a metaphor.)

"Like a toothbrush in a toilet bowl, like a dead cricket in a salad, like a diaper on the dinner table, this sickening connundrum confronted Enid." (And displeasing also is the syntax of that sentence.)

I'm not much enjoying the book, but I must keep reading to find more of these horrendous nuggets!

Hey, we haven't had an interactive session for a while. Today's task: Find or compose a super-bad metaphor.

In other news, since I am stuck here, I am thinking of submitting the Glencoe poem to the CBC Literary Awards. I'm going to go read the rules now.

"People, please! We're all frightened and horny."

Ice Queen declares her choice for mayor.

The rumours of my death have been greatly exagerrated
So I went to see the Good Doctor Hibbert yesterday (Just add moustache and voila! It's him!). I am to be off for two weeks to a month from now. "You're really sick!" he giggled.

Whoa. It's difficult to even comprehend that. Sure, it sounds great, but if I do anything, I get sicker. If I go anywhere, I get sicker. I'm trapped here on the couch watching The Cosby Show.

And I'm going to miss seeing Ice Prince and his friends at daycare all dressed up for Hallowe'en.

Me: Do you know what Hallowe'en is?
I.P.: Mmmmff (eating spaghetti)
Me: You wear a costume and go door to door to your neighbours and they give you candy. Do you want to get candy?
I.P.: No thank you, I'm eating my supper right now.

Today's agenda:
Dye hair (bought dye while waiting for new prescription yesterday)
Don't eat Hallowe'en candy
Nap
Plan pumpkin design
Don't eat Hallowe'en candy
Watch Jon Stewart at 5:00
Ditto on the candy

Culture Corner
Started on a new poem last night. Go check it out on Two Drink Minimum, soon to be a major poetry reading series coming to a bar near you. (Well, actually, near me, 'cause it's more convenient that way.)

Gone, gone, gone she's been gone so long
So it looks like I might be on Short Term Disability, but only for a couple of days. (We're only allowed 5 consecutive sick days at The Bank.) They're mailing me the paper work. It was my boss' suggestion. What a treat to have a boss who wants me to fully recover, rather than one who is pushing me to come back.

I do feel better, until I move around. Fresh has been taking excellent care of me and the house, and the little Prince.

Finally got my computer to cooperate and ordered groceries online. ("I love you grocery man!" - I.P.)

Also working on I.P.'s Hallowe'en costume. He's going as Max, or to those of you who don't read children's books or watch kids shows, a white bunny in overalls. Trying to construct ears with the maximum stand up ability. Mom is mailing me some of that thin foam they sell in craft stores. I think that might be the ticket.

Thanks for the e-cards. I'm trying to behave myself and not overdo it so I get better. Party Girl will ride again! Actually, that sounds like one of my pay-per-view choices....

Thought I'd treat myself to a pay-per-view movie to help keep me on the couch.

My choices include Poetic Just Ass and Jamaican Me Horny.

Maybe I'll just have another nap.

I've got the Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Blues

Well,actually i don't have the blues. Bed rest for a week, so go frolic in the beautiful autumn sunshine and be happy while I'm gone.

Both lungs amd antibiotics if you must know.

I'll be back later this week when i'm bored out of my gourd and feeling better.

Today's Song in Your Head You Won't be Able To Get Rid Of

Bloody freakin' sick again today. Been up all night and wrote you a New Tune on err..Friday.

To the Tune of Dennis Leary's I'm An Asshole. If you haven't heard it, you must. I didn't write the whole thing, I'm sick. Cut me some slack.

I'm just a regular girl with a regular job
I'm your average white urbanite snob
I like napping and cooking and hosting galore
Got a house in East York with a nice hardwood floor
My spouse and my kid, my lawn and my cats
My pedicured feet and Australian Shraz

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a girl like me interested
I've got to go out and have fun at outrageous expense

I buy Grande Lattes with choclate on top
And imported stockings at 15 bucks a pop

I'm the Ice Queen
I'm the Ice Queen

I wear power suits and I wear power heels
I shop Value Village and get some great deals

I'm the Ice Queen
I'm the Ice Queen

Sometimes I'm mean to clingy shop clerks
I don't suffer fools and I don't humour jerks

I'm the Ice Queen
I'm the Ice Queen

I-C-E Q-U-E-E-N
Say it with me
I-C-E Q-U-E-E-N
I-C-E Q-U-E-E-N

By Popular Demand
So I’m getting lots of hits from google and yahoo looking for an Ice Queen costume. Here’s how to look like The Ice Queen:
Black nylons
Heels
Black Dress (add suit jacket for 'day' look)
Hoop earrings
Hair any colour but your own
Props: Bottle of wine and a baguette

Voilà! You're a Queen!

Toddler Eye For The Straight Guy
Guy on Escalator to Ice Prince: “I wish I had your fashion sense, little dude. Lookin’ good.”

It's Official: It’s Fall
The Fall Hat® has been purchased. It’s a good thing. If you don’t have your Fall Hat®, go get your ducks in a row already!

Help!
I vaguely remember a song from early 1999ish. I thought it was by Erykah Badu and was called “Life”, but I can’t find it anywhere. The video had a field with butterflies. What was it? What? Lyric clip: “I’m a superstitious girl, I’m the worst in the world, won’t walk under ladders, I keep a rabbit’s foot…”

The Queen's Fall Decrees

So, it’s chilly today and you all want to know: “Ice Queen, what’s in fashion for fall?” Dahlinks, I’m so glad you asked.

Out:Tea
Cucumbers
Potpourri
Track Pants. What’s up with that? Saying “Juicy” on the butt does not improve them one bit. They’re still TRACK PANTS!
Socks. No, really. Because I said so, that’s why. Trouser socks are on the exception list.
Turkey
Guilt
Placemats
West Wing “We found Zoe!” Uh, that was a bit anti-climactic.
Being cold to look good

In:
Boots with heels
Plaid
Black
Tights, Fishnets and other leg apparel
Maple Eclairs
Coffee
Poetry
Homemade Christmas Gifts
Candles - Unscented
Fabric Napkins and Tablecloth
Six Feet Under
Hat, Scarves, Gloves

So Good They’re Bad -- Habits I’m Trying to Kick This Fall:Wine During the Week (except on Girl’s Nights)
Taxis. (oh, but I loooove taxis)
Lattes (sure they come in non-fat, That’ll be $9.85, please)
Shopping at lunchtime
Lipsticks (Do I really need another red lipstick? Of course I do!)
Shoes (Do I really need another pair of black shoes? Of course I do!)

Emeril Is Doing my Surgery? Bam!
Regular readers will know that I’m scheded for tube tying surgery on Nov. 17th. Naturally, I was intrigued to learn that many surgeons like to play music in the OR:

Music is important to Burnett in the OR. He'll spin several different genres during one long procedure, he says.
"(We) generally try to play music that gives us some familiarity and calmness and that's different for different people," Burnett says.

For Burnett, 38, that means laid-back rock like U2 or R.E.M. for the beginning of an open-heart surgery, folk or acoustic instrumentals during the more-intense middle portion, and harder-edged rock for the final, stitching-up segment.

"At the end, we really like to kick it up a notch," says Burnett, who likes Radiohead, A Perfect Circle or Pearl Jam as he wraps up surgery.

No King of Pain? No Tie Your Mother Down? No Tubular Bells?

It's the End of The World as We Know It....NOT
I have a very strange feeling of impending doom. This hits me sometimes and goes away without anything untoward actually happening. It better not, ‘cause I refuse to face the Apocalypse with any credit left available on my MasterCard.

What’s the best thing I did all weekend? I made Maple Eclairs! I took the Coffee Eclairs recipe from the latest edition of Food and Drink and changed it to Maple instead. It was a great success and I am très proud of myself. I also made the cover dish – warm chocolate cake, which worked just fine but didn’t compare to the MAPLE ECLAIRS!

Did I mention I made Maple Eclairs?

Death Penalty Gone Mad?
"A meat processing plant in a Kingston-area prison has been shuttered, so experts can probe “questionable” inspection practices. "

Ah. death by injection of garlic with a bouquet garnis 'round his neck?

I Still Think It's A Brilliant Idea.

Ice Queen Mum goes home this morning. Safe trip! Here's a sample conversation from last night, me and my mum, to give you a flavour of our relationship:

Me: If you could live in any time period, which would you choose?
Mum: The reign of Charles the Second. You?
Me: Garden of Eden before the fall.
Mum: You’d be lonely. There’d be almost no one to talk to.
Me: I’d talk to the animals.
Mum: The animals didn’t talk.
Me: The snake did. Why wouldn’t the others? And I’m sure I read someone that Adam could talk to the animals before they were expelled.
Mum: You’re thinking of Dr. Doolittle.
Me: Am not! I’m sure I read that. If not, maybe it’s planted in my brain as an idea for a brilliant novel in the Timothy Findlay Not Wanted on the Voyage vein, about when Adam could talk to the animals.
Mum: What would you call it, Adam Doolittle?
Me: Phhhhhhhhhhhhpt!

The Ice Queen Mum Tells you a Little Story

What the neighbour heard:“Wanna get in bed? C’mon big boy, under the covers. No? Make up your mind. Are you going to get in or not? I’m not going to hold this all day. Oh, look, it’s the big Banana!”

What really happened.Ice Queen Mum was reading in bed. Bugsy, the male Siamese, jumped up and was thinking about going under the covers, but couldn’t decide. Mom was holding the blanket up for him. Then the female Siamese, Banana, jumped up too.

Interactive Fun With the Queen Mum
So the Ice Queen Mum is in town, helping out. I thought it would be fun to interview her for the Icicle Fief.

Any questions you'd like to ask my mom?

Super! Thanks for Asking.
Oh, and watch Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Martha Stewart with a personality. Love it! Even Fresh liked it: "I thought they'd be catty, but they seem to be genuinely rooting for the guy."

Okay, maybe just a little fun and frolic

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see
I got a fever of a hundred and three
Come on baby, pass me the Gatorade
I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

You don't have to read my mind, to know why I’m in bed
Honey you oughta know
Now you move the pillow, let me lay down my head
I wanna nap then we can watch some shows

Now it's up to you, we can watch American Choppers too
Coronation Street, I'll tell you all the plots and who’s killed who

That's why, I'm hot blooded, check it and see
I got a fever of a hundred and three
Come on baby, pass the blankie to me
I'm hot blooded, hot blooded

If I feel alright, maybe I won’t cough all night
Will you catch it from me?
But I can’t get up off the couch, come on head, try to be kind.
Honey, I’m a hot mama….can you make the boy some spaghetti?

Yeah I'm hot blooded, check it and see
Feel the fever burning inside of me
Come on baby, can you pass the remote?
I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

I'm Alive
Barely. It's been a rough ten days, but I'm getting there.

No fun and frolic today.

Went for a walk yesterday. Walked by an Adult Video store with private viewing booth. Eewww...I thought..I'd hate to be the janitor there. Next door was the SCN Cleaning Supplies and Service Co. Makes sense.

Back to Dr. Hibbert Today

I have an ear infection. How embarassing. Rare in adults with different symptoms - mainly excruciating pain when you move your head.

"Should clear up in three or four days. Ten at the most. Drink Gatorade and try to move slowly, if at all."

Got a doctor's note for work and Mom and Dad are on their way down to baby me.

Being off work isn't much fun when you can't move your head.

Sick.
Me, shivering with fever chills.
Ice Prince: You scared, Mommy?
me: No, I'm sick.
I.P.: You're sick?
Me: Yep.
I.P.: I'll take care of you when you're sick, because you take care of me when I'm scared.

I have the best kid. And the worst health. Another kidney infection and prescribed another anitobiotic I've had an allergic reaction to. Phhhpt.

All the Cool Kids Are Doing It
Even Sister Staceypatrick has added an "about me" section.

I'm busy, tired, infected and maybe a little hungover. So why don't you guys help me write my "about me" section? C'mon. It'll be fun.

Might As Well Face It
Robert Palmer died? That's just wrong.

Thanks, Robert, for the easiest Hallowe'en costume ever: black dress, red lipstick, slicked back hair.

Sugarmama posted about a day in her life. I started, but I'm too tired to finish.
Ice Queen's Day
3:30 am: “Meow?”
3:40 am “Meow!”
3:45 am: Scratching at Ice Prince’s door.
3:46 am Find house coat go downstairs. Cat follows.
3:47-3:52 am I hold door open while cat decides if he really wants to go out
3:53 am – 3:57 am Chase cat, swearing.
3:58 am Throw cat out door.
3:59 am Back to bed.
5:30 am “Mommy?”
5:40 am “Mommy?”
5:45 am “Go downstairs, Mommy?”
6:00 am Go get Ice Prince. “Hurrah! It’s Mommy!”
6:00 – 6:15 am Turn on dishwasher. Argue with I.P, about what breakfast consists of
6:20 – 6:30 am Have heated discussion about why Ice Prince’s favourite bowl is currently being washed in the dishwasher.
6:31 am Pull Ice Prince’s bowl out of dishwasher. Burn self. Rinse dish. Arrange crackers, Craisins and peanuts on dish.
6:33 am Try to explain to I.P. why he can’t carry the breakable dish downstairs while wearing high heels and a hard hat.
6:34 am Let I.P. have dish.
6:35 am I.P. Decides I should carry the dish.

Status Report
I managed items 4,5,6,7 and 9 from my list below. Not bad. And Ice Prince spilled more water and tried to throw away another tea towel.

Get Back , Honky Cat!
So Dad’s a big Harley fan and as such, my mom knows a fair bit about the world o’bikes.

She says to me “You’ll never believe who they got for the Harley Davidson 125th (or whatever) anniversary concert.” She sounded a bit incredulous, so I’m thinking – music bikers like, but maybe not quite as spectacular as H-D could probably afford.

“Neil Young,” I say.

“Good guess, “ she says laughing, “But no. They got Elton John.”

Can you believe it? Elton in his pink spangles singing to bikers? (Mom confirms there were pink spangles in the clip she saw).

Tiny Dancer?
Candle in the Wind?
Crocodile Rock? “La-la-la-la-la-la”

More later. Boss wants stuff. In the meantime visit the lovely Radmila, to whom I will link as soon as I get to it.

28 Hours in a Day: It's a Good Thing.
I have not been sleeping well. I woke up at 3 am and managed to stay in bed until 4:30, at which point I got up, did laundry, put away dishes, took out recycling and watched some Martha Stewart. After watching Martha, I am now resolved to get my domestic act together, starting tonight, which will include:
- Buy mums for my front garden
- Make roasted tomato soup with parmesan wafers
- Moisturize
- Wash disgusting kitchen floor
- Do laundry
- Take out whatever fruit or vegetable item died in my kitchen last night
- Iron stuff
- Wash hair
- Collapse in exhausted heap.

I need a personal assistant. Like Charlie on West Wing.

Your Tuesday Tune

Sigh. It’s not up to my demanding standards, but I promised you a song, so here it is:

Here's my story, it's sad but true
It's about a girl that I once knew
She took my document and then
She marked it up with her red pen

Ah, I should have known it from the very start
This girl would fix my dangling part-iciple
If semi-colons are making you blue
Take your stuff to Editor Sue

She’s a thesaurus and a spell check too
Although she types like a dazed baboon
So if you don't wanna cry like I do
Don’t ask for help from Editor Sue

Ah, she likes to tighten your prose
Her copy cuts will curl your toes
Now people let me put you wise
Sue’ll cross your t’s and dot your I’s
Here's the moral in the story from the guy who kens
My 50 pager is now down to 10
She took out all my clip art too, I tell ya
Keep away from Editor Sue

Oops I Did It Again

I went into the card store to check out cool cards for CD covers and I ended up buying my Christmas Cards.

I am ashamed at my preparedness.

Yeah, I've been pretty busy running around here.

I have a long dull two hour meeting coming up, so I'll write you a nice Tune for Tuesday while I'm in there, m'kay?

From Eva's blog. Here's my duck type:

Can you have a porthole on the starboard side?

Ahoy there mates!

Well, docked over at sugarmama’s port this morning and blow me down if she don't have a post that knocked the wind outta me sails. Go check. Now, I don’t like to think there be termites in me stern, but it were a bit much, if you ask me.

So the Good Ship Icicle be smack dab in the middle of old Isabel. I put on me new pirates boot, but arrggghhh if they aren't lookin' like drag queen boots. But I be wearing ‘em with attitude and I’ll be sinkin' the scurvy bastard who speak ill of ‘em.

Gotta go grab some grub and grog. Don't just sit there polishing yer mast, Talk Like a Pirate!.

Somebody Stop Me!
I noticed from my stats that someone from the Teacher's Internet of London and District has visited the Fief. This means that either
1. My father or
2. My Grade 10 Geography teacher (blambdad)
now knows about my inner slut.

Luckily, being a shameless drunk, as Crabby has pointed out, I shouldn't be bothered.

Oh dear, now they'll know I'm a shameless drunk too.

Sorry for the lack of posts, kids. It’s been super-busy here at work, what with tomorrow being International Talk Like a Pirate Day and all. Boomer's been causing work for me and I’ve been buying 150 packets of seeds for an event we’re having on Monday. Such fun!

I’m wearing pants today and Boomer refuses to dress up as a giant bird for me.

Life can be so trying sometimes.

The Blind Guy Didn't Recognize Me After All
Forgot to tell you, I got goosed by a blind guy today.

I took Ice Prince for a check-up this morning. In the subway station, he had a fit for some unknown reason. I was bending over to coax him into following me when the white cane went up my skirt.

Then I turned around and saw he's a guy I recognize from my company. "Oh no!," thought I, "He'll recognize me and I'll be so embarassed."

Duh.

Queen of Babylon!
Uncie Herb lent me a tape of Queer as Folk last night. It's highly addictive. This episode "featured" (according to the credits, way to go, agent!) my Dear Friend Dave®. I got see see Dave in a way I..errrr...haven't seen him before. And no not naked. I've seen that, sort of. My, my.

Basically, his character was very much like the DFD I know and love. But as good as he looked, he's much better looking in person.

What did I learn from this episode?
1. I want to pole dance.
2. I wish someone would dare me sometimes. I miss that.
3. I want to make a black shirt with duct tape on it.
4. I don't have brunch enough.
5. I miss DFD. He always makes me smile!
6. I better write some poems before I see DFD again or I'll be in for a tongue lashing. Purely metaphorical, Uncie Herb. You wish.
7. I need to find out want time this show is on regularly.
8. I need to work out more.
9. Always have $5000 available or a kindly drug dealer.
10. It' s good to be King. Or Queen.

Thanks, Uncie Herb.

Here's your Tuesday Tune early, inspired by a comment I made on Sugarmama's site:

Potato Chip The Beautiful!

O beautiful for sour cream,
for ketchup and for plain,
For fully dressed, those are the best
Or something in that vein

Potato chip! Potato chip!
God shed His grace on thee,
And make thy hue a barbeque
Not pee or ghee or brie!

O beautiful for crispiness
I love to crunch and nip
Although your calories persist
Across my spreading hips.

Potato chip! Potato chip!
God mend thine ev'ry flaw,
Confirm my soul in self-control,
To keep you from my jaw.

O beautiful those Taro ones
And orange ones made from yams
The purple ones: their prices stun
But I don’t give a damn

Potato chip! Potato chip!
May God thy fat refine
Thy tastiness be ever bliss
And ev'ry chip be mine.

Johnny Depp Can Shiver Me Timbers Anytime
So if anyone's been over to Davezilla lately, you'll know that September 19th is Talk Like a Pirate Day. And you can bet your booty that we at the Icicle Fief will be celebrating this in full sail. So bone up (ah, remember when Chip would've commented on that?) on your pirate lingo. And while you're at it, here's you Monday Quiz:
You are The Cabin Boy

You, me lad, are an activist! You will not only change the world, you will make a dyed-in-the-wool Pirate dream of you in a sheep costume. You are the embodiment of the love that dare not hoist its sail! Ahoy thar! You could make a two-patch Pirate turn his head - but then he would lose sleep over it and what good would that do anyone? An innovator, you are WAY ahead of your time - and everyone else's. You are sensitive and artsy-fartsy. You say things like, "artsy-fartsy" but there is always a slight giggle in your voice when you say it - like Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares delivering a staggering punch line. Speaking of "punching" the only "punching" you would do is punching up that outfit with some accessories - say, a little bandana and some glass beads. You're not the Pirate we want in a fight, but we want you there for the crying game that follows! You go, girl.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

HIDE YOUR KITTENS! Truth is Stranger Than Fiction
In a press release today, Conservatives called Opposition leader Dalton McGuinty an "evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet."

No, it's not April 1st.

No, I'm not kidding. Read this.

Culture Corner
I was looking for an eye quote to use for the title for my Mom's Songs of the Eye cd, and I found this lovely gem. Enjoy!

“Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at, and I sigh.”

William Butler Yeats (1865-1939) Irish dramatist, poet.

Your Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Congratulations! You’ve been selected to go on Canadian Idol.
We just need you to answer a few questions.
1. Ballad you’re going to sing
2. Rock/upbeat song you’re going to sing
3. What you’re going to wear
4. What Canadian star (*cough*) you’d like to have introduce you
5. Venue

Skill Testing Question
We have had some non-Canadians try to apply. Please use the names of five IKEA products in a poem to prove your citizenship.

It's Official.

I've changed to my fall purse.

(Turns out the summer purse won't fit over my shoulder pads.)

Romance for Grown-Ups
We’ve got the babysitter booked for Saturday and guess where we’re going: IKEA! Yes! I’m so excited! And the clincher is, Fresh is buying! His role is saving for major purchases. Like I have the willpower for that.

We need a new rec (wreck, really) room couch. Ice Prince was doing gymnastics on ours and he slid down a wire that was sticking out of it, earning a nice scratch down his leg. Plus it smells pretty bad (milk and other liquids from I.P.).

I have my eye on a blue L-shaped sofa that coverts into a bed chesterfield. We don’t really need the bed part, but what the heck. Could come in handy.

The IKEA catalogue is like pornography. No, it is pornography.

The CD for The Ice Queen Mum Project
My Mom is having a cataract operation today. Because we both have a warped sense of humour, I want to make her a CD of “eye” music. Here are my ideas. Please add any you can think of:
These Eyes – Burton Cummings
Doctor My Eyes - who did that?
Ise the Bye (trad. Newfie)
Blue Eyes – Elton John
Brown Eyed Girl – you know who!
Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel

Just a Small Town Girl In The City Lights

Busy today, so a quick hello and hopefully more posting later.

Saw a needle for the first time in the alley where Ice Prince/Captain Underpants and I walk from the subway to the daycare. I was strangely unconcerned. And that's the part that bothered me. Why should this be normal?

Day Two on Montezuma Watch
I'm here at home with Captain Underpants (aka Ice Prince.) He keeps insisting on listening to Spongebob Squarepants on my computer (although he doesn't much like the show.) I have to go into work tonight to finish something I was supposed to do today. Ugh.

This basement smells funny, all we have to eat are crackers and I have no money on me. We'll have to make an attempt to go out at some point.

I've made some changes to my links.

Anyhow, gotta run. The Captain's bolted upstairs to do some evil.

It's So True! The Monday Quiz


I am CATNIP


What herb are you?

Blogger is being a total pig today.

Anyhow, sugarmama is writing haikus about bloggers, but has not yet written about me, despite the offer of a large sum in Canadian Tire money. So I've started my own blogger haiku:

Crabby’s a lady
Her shoes are too small for her
Damn you, shoes! Damn you!

Sister has a cat
And another cat and look!
There is one more cat.

Boomer's a lurker
Grr grr grr I'm mad at him
or maybe I'm not

Ice Queen's Greatest Hits

I feel guilty I haven't blogged today. Here's a Golden Oldie from the Ice Queen circa 1999:

Due to increasing product liability litigation, red wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all red wine bottles.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think "These aren't my shoes!"
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in speaking in Scottish brogue.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cure your leukemia.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to pull potted plants out of public urns.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up to the smell of stale cumin.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may result in gators in your bra.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may bring out your alter ego: Funky Fresh.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to switch shoes with friends.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to invite your friends' neighbour over to your impromptu 80's party.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to put on Come On Eileen again. And again. And again.

Feel free to contribute.

Sorry, kids. Busy today. No blogging. (or so I say...)

Heard at Lunchtime
Bagpiper on the street playing the Love Theme From St. Elmo's Fire. It was gooooo-oooood! He got a loonie for his troubles.

Gee, I Wasn't Nervous About It Before......

Me: My brochure here says I have to bring a medical record from my family doctor to my pre-op appointment.
Dr. Hibbert's New Receptionist: They give you a form.
Me: Who?
Her: Pre-op.
Me: How can I take the form to my pre-op appointment if they don’t give it to me until I go to the appointment?
Her: Can you hold?
Time passes.
Her: They give you a form.
Me: Who?
Her: Pre-Op. And then Doctor Hibbert fills it out.
Me: Then who do I give it to?
Her: Dr. Hibbert.
Me: No, I mean after Dr. Hibbert fills it out.
Her: You take it to your pre-op appointment.
Me: But I’ll already have been to the pre-op appointment. That’s where the form is coming from.
Her: Oh. Well then just bring it on the day of the surgery. It's that's not right, we'll figure it out.
Me: Ummmmmm....okay.......

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb
Mary had a little lamb – risotto on the side.

Okay, lots to do today, but first, the news:
1. I’m getting my tubes tied on October 8th. (and no, Boomer, don’t come over to my desk and ask about it. It is elective surgery, so I’m being vague about it. Maybe I’ll get more sympathy that way.) I get three days off. Well, two, I guess. The first day I’m in the hospital. Crabby, do I still get mangoes? When asked if he wanted anymore siblings, Ice Prince screamed: “GIVE ME PEANUTS NOW!” Which only strengthened my resolve.
2. Went to Goodwill yesterday and got the bitchinest boots. Really. I’m soooo excited. No, Sis, they aren’t go-go boots. Oh! I love ‘em.
3. My new brilliant idea is to make books with one padded cover to use as a mouse pad. While you’re waiting for soething tedious to process, download or print you can read your book. Great, eh?
4. I remembered that I used to think the words to “When Smokey Sings” (from 1987) were:
“When smoke descends, I hear firemen.”


Must visit today, if you’re going to hell anyway….
Davezilla.

My song turned out super-lame. You can't have it. Sorry. Go write your risotto poem. I've written one, here it is:


arborio: arboreal



Thank you.

Fun with Search Engines
Someone came to my blog looking for “funny poems about risotto”. I feel badly I disappointed this person. If there’s a need for funny poems about risotto, I feel it should be filled. I’m busy writing my song for today, so tomorrow’s challenge is: To write funny poems about risotto. And yes, Chip, if you don’t know what risotto is, you can write a poem about not knowing. Or even better, make up a new definition for it.

Ohh Whoa Whoa, Listen to the Music!
I was supposed to write my Tuesday Tune on the weekend, but instead I discovered Kazaa. I spent the weekend downloading music. It was so exciting! I even made Fresh eat dinner next to the computer so he could hear my music. (We have yet to get a CD writer. I want to pick Mr. Crabby’s brain about this. He’s Grandmaster Burn. Or should I call him Mr. Burns? Yeah, that’s the ticket.)

What, you may ask, are some of these gems I have downloaded?
The Noggin Monologue from So I Married and Axe Murderer
Give a Little Respect
Jon Secada singing Angel in Spanish
Punk Rock Girl
Gay Bar
I Wanna Be Sedated
House on Pooh Corner
Bulletproof
Push
Mimi on the Beach
Money (That's What I Want)
Summerland, Highland Falls
Woman! Whoa-man

But the Queen’s Pick of the Weekend is:
I’m Addicted to You by Simple Plan. Love it! Just love it! (There’s a nice little language trick that made me do a double take.) The rest of the album, entitled No Pads, No Helmets, Just Balls, is excellent too.

I’ve got my song and my theme for today’s Tune, so stay “tuned” for it. (groan).

Best Alias
Today’s Best alias was found on Sugarmama’s site: Joan of Argggh. Sadly, Joan seems to have no blog.