Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Best Birthday Gifts (so far...)
Being called a "Frosty Little Vixen" by Lilly
Compact Mirror with Glamour Girl on the Front
Juicy Tubes
A shower. (yes, alone, it's my birthday, not Fresh's)
Ice Prince giving me his costume jewlery to wear to work

See, it doesn't take much to please me.

Last night's B-day party for The Prince was a huge success. The Cake was amazing and Ted's Rack o'Lamb rocked.

What I Want From My Readers for my Birthday
Sister, Crabby and Radmila: A Girl's Night
Brett: More Coffee Guys! Even in cartoon form.
Sugarmama: A Haiku
Eva: A link! C'mon, I've been good all year!
Grumpy: Surprise me.
Boomer: Digital Photo of me in tiara
Beco: Muttonchops (you, not me)

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Another Year Over, and What Have You Done?
Had my wisdom teeth out.
Learned to run.
Put all recipes in a book.
Bought two armchairs.
Unpacked fancy china from move two years ago.
Hosted best Christmas Dinner Ever®
Opened a restaurant in the basement (Souterrain!) in early February
Discovered new recipes.
Won trip to Niagara on The Lake. (check March archives, I’m too lazy to find the reference.)
Got crowned.

Best post of the year
My readers would probably say the Simpsons Discussion (See April 25th). My personal favourites include Ice Queen Idol, where participants had to write a poem using IKEA item names to prove their citizenship (see September 11th) and November 8’s “Smells Like David Miller” song.

And what of next year?

1. Learn to sew
2. Run a little bit, not just when chased.
3. Stop calling work colleague “Scooter”.
4. Start calling work colleague “Sparky” instead.
5. Stop licking dishes to get water spots off when they come out of the dishwasher.
6. Discover hair’s natural colour.
7. Stop buying so many hats.
8. Make own novelty t-shirts. Sell at Distillery district. Make profits.
9. Scrub tub.
10. Use “sassy” in a sentence daily. (written or spoken)
11. Get dry cleaning done more regularly.
12. Don’t throw out dirty pans just because I don’t want to scrub them.
13. Use my powers for good, not evil.
14. Don’t make fun of the peasants.
15. Climb the corporate ladder.
16. Finally toilet train the Ice Prince.
17. Get my tubes tied.
18. Invite over some dinner guests who aren’t famous.
19. Paint. (art, not walls)

P.S. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 35. This does not bother me. I do not hide my birthday – how can people give you presents if they don’t know when it is? Boomer and Beco are taking me for lunch and I will be wearing my repaired tiara. Boomer will hopefully remember his digital camera so I can post a picture of my lovely visage and coiffure. Then Fresh and I will have a quiet dinner at home with good wine and probably take out from the Pusateri’s counter. Having a birthday at New Year’s is a pain – even if you want to go out for just a nice dinner it’s $150 per person (and that includes all the Bubbling Baby Buffalo “champagne” you can drink).

All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses An Eye

This is a lot harder than you think it is.

Here's mine.
The Prince Formerly Known As Two

Today is Ice Prince's 3rd Birthday. I have made him this by special request. It's all he asked for. He could barely fall asleep last night for thinking about it and asking about it.

We are having some friends over who have a daughter The Prince's age. We are having Rack of Lamb à la Ted Allen. It is marinating as we speak. My mom has put together a tickle trunk full of the strangest costume things (slippers with fun fur, hats, jewelry, glasses with fake noses, etc.). I think it will go over well.

I got the Prince an umbrella. It was sticking out of my bag yesterday and he said: "Is that my own special umbrella?" I tried to hide it, but he got it. At least he likes it.

On the way home yesterday he sighed. "What's wrong?" "Oh Mommy, " he said, "I've had a rough day." Poor kid. When you turn 3, the weight of the world falls on your shoulders.

Monday, December 29, 2003

Forbidden Words!
You heard it here first: Matt Groening's Forbidden Words for 2003.
(Note: I am officially rescuing "sassy" off the list and plan to use it daily. Sassy!)
Feel free to add your own. I'm adding "Paris Hilton", "Neverland", "Spend" (as a noun) and "Socialized" (as in "I socialized this idea before I implemented it.")


Sunday, December 28, 2003

Resolution Review

Sugarmama has a review of her 2003 resolutions. Let's see how I did:
1. Put all recipes in a book.
Done! And I use it often. It's fabulous.
2. Exercise sometimes.
Done and done! Remember when I took up running? I think I'll start again.

I believe in setting attainable goals.

Coming soon, the 2004 Ice Queen Resolutions.
Next stop, the dual birthdays
Well, I pulled it off. Twenty people in two days. Everything was perfect (Except dad thought the gravy tasted "funny". That'd be the port.) I had a holiday hangover yesterday and slept and now I feel much better.

Two best gifts of Christmas were:
1. Ice Prince was somehow replaced with a perfect angel child who looks just like him but makes polite conversation with obscure relatives and doesn't spill red juice on his white dress shirt.
2. And then there was my parents' news:
We sit down to dinner. Mom says:
"We have something very important to tell you."
Me: "You're not pregnant, are you?"
Her: "It's life changing...." And she begins to roll up her sleeves. "Where's yours?" she asks my Dad.
Me: "Omigod, you both got tattoos."
Her: "Nope, we quit smoking. We're on the patch."
It's been five weeks! They're clean! I'm so proud!

All my real gifts were things for the kitchen, which would insult other women, but drive me to paroxysms of joy.

More later. Ice Prince is upstairs looking for "Chocolate, to make you feel better."

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Friday, December 19, 2003

I do love a good intern....

What Muppet Am I?

I have to say, I'm a little surprised...but on second thought....sigh.

scoot jpeg
You are Scooter.
You are a loyal, hardworking person, better known
as a doormat.

Going for stuff.
"Go For Broke!"

"15 seconds to showtime."

"300 New Ways to Get Your Uncle to Get You a
Better Job "

Coffee, clipboard, and Very Special Guest Stars.

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Say What?

When I type "shallots" into the search field of Grocery Gateway, I get an entry for Panty Shields.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

A Repast Sauvage
Lilly asks the Ice Chef what to serve with duck. An excellent question. I would recommend:
Wild rice stuffing with Hazelnuts and cranberries
Green beans with bacon and shallots
Spiced Yam Pudding
Catch and Release Program Chez Reine
Six Million Dollar Cat and I caught another mouse this morning. He corners them and I pick them up in a tea towel and carry them outside. I love their cute little faces as I carry them out. (Don’t worry, I dispose of the tea towels.)

This makes three mice so far. I hope it’s not just the same mouse coming back in, but if he’s got a Death Wish, that’s his problem, not mine.

I wanna be a transvestite
1. Taller
2. Better legs
3. Better hairs (wigs!)
4. More fun clothes
5. They’re supposed to look over the top
6. Get to lip synch in front of appreciative (read – drunk) audiences

Sigh. Maybe I was one in a former life and I’m just feeling the aftereffects.

It’s all good
My Christmas bonus is better than expected!
And less tax deducted than I thought!
Boss says I’m “creative and resourceful”.
I’m done pretty much all my major stuff I need to do before holidays.
Tomorrow’s my last day until Dec. 28th.
My birthday’s coming up.
I have a tiara to wear on my birthday and other worthy occasions. Like Thursdays.
I am going to IKEA this weekend. With my bonus. Which won’t last long at IKEA Hot damn!

Mary keeps her little lamb for now
Both sets of relatives want turkey for dinner on consecutive nights. Ugh! But I make such fine beef tenderloin! And what about the rack of lamb? I don’t even much like turkey. Well, they’re just getting really wild side dishes then – like Wild Mushrooms and Chestnuts. My creativity cannot be stifled!

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

This Holiday Season, Practice Temperance
"Three examples of temperance from the sixteenth century make the exceptions that prove the rule. The Venetian Alvise Cornaro promoted temperance in word and deed. He wrote a book, Discourses in favour of a sober life, in which he advocated a diet of extreme renunciation, confirmed by his own example; he drank only not quite .4 of a liter of wine a day, which is more than half a modern bottle of wine. In The Life of the Duke of Newcastle, written by his wife, the duke received praise for his temperance; she wrote, "In his diet, he is so sparing and temperate, that he never eats nor drinks beyond his set proportion." His set proportion was three glasses of beer and two of wine a day. The final exception to prove the rule was a temperance society founded at Hesse in 1600. Its members agreed to restrict their drinking to seven glasses of wine with each meal."
Sentimental Journey
Via Grumpy Bunny and others.....

Favorite Holiday Movie:
Christmas Vacation and Christmas Story
Favorite Holiday TV Special:
Favorite Holiday Song:
200 Miles by the Pretenders or Gabriel’s Song by Sting
Favorite Holiday Read:
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Yes! Yes!
Favorite Holiday Drink:
Red wine, as always. But some ice wine at midnight is nice too.
Favorite Holiday Sweets:
Chocolate covered pretzels.
Favorite Holiday Food:
Turnip. And bread stuffing done in the bird.
Favorite Holiday Wearable:
Black velvet scoop neck top (going on 9 years old now. Wore to Crabby’s last Sat.). And this year: a skirt made out of a sari.
Favorite Holiday Tradition:
No one is allowed in the living room until everyone is up and coffee is brewed. (Okay I admit that this tradition sucked when I was a kid, but I really appreciate it now.)
Favorite Holiday Decoration:
White twinkle lights and lots of ‘em..
Favorite Holiday Scent:
Onion and sage frying up for the bread stuffing early in the morning.
Favorite Holiday Sound:
The radio playing carols as the car goes crunch, crunch in the snow at on Christmas Eve. And the Ice Prince snoring softly in the back seat.
Favorite Holiday Entertainment:
Removing the cat from the middle inside of the tree without knocking off any ornaments.
Favorite Holiday Scene:
Sleepy Ice Prince in red jammies by tree light.
Favorite Holiday Thought:
Linus saying: “And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” Sniff!
Favourite Childhood Memory:
Dad making the gingerbread house and adding rude things, like a gingerbread dog excreting piles of ovation sticks in the front yard of the gingerbread house.
This politically incorrect moment brought to you by Davezilla!
You want that I should tell you my heritage?
Radmila thinks I sound Eastern European. I'm actually pure Scottish, with a smidge of Thornhill Jewish thrown in from one summer living with Sister Staceypatrick, who is not my sister

Some people say I have a slight accent. My own mother laughs at the way I pronounce some things!
Clarke = Quirk
Car keys = Cookies

You get the idea.

I've been working on my 100 things, but I'm running out of steam. Anybody want to add anything?

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Myth of Ice Queen as Dirty Girl Exposed
Congratulations! You're Legolas!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thanks god I'm not more Schwanger!

Altavista's Babelfish translates and untranslates part of my last post:

"Christmas in the youth of Queen of ice

Christmas 1988 were my first Christmas with costs. I lived in a basement apartment. I bought a true tree, but the means the decorations couldn’t so we hung all my jewels 80s Kontrollichter except him. The beads were particularly nice. I have had freshly and my family more, in order to eat it in my small kitchen to evening. We drank the black revolution. I had a terrible Permian, and my hair was a certain odd red color. It was the night, where I mean family members to say had I traveled inside with costs. I waited my family left up to the remainder and then have in him gebaut? “Something, in order to say to you. They cannot approve of. Think it’s for the best. Blah blah.of Blah” But the time let I it outside mein? Oh per nut mother escape, thanks God, I thought that you were more schwanger! ? "
Christmas in the Ice Queen’s Youth

I desperately wanted (and received) the brand new Styx album. My mom made me a whole bunch of clothes and hung them all up on the mantel. I was thrilled! (no sarcasm) She also made me an elf outfit which I may, if you’re lucky) post a picture of me wearing. Maybe even today.

Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmastime?” was on the radio, and for Christmas I got a walkman (brand new technology!) and the new Bryan Adams cassette (brand new rock star!)

My first year of university in residence. For Christmas from my Grandma and Grandpa I got an adult sized set of pink fuzzy sleepers with feet. “We heard there was a co-ed bathroom.”

Sister Staceypatrick came home with me right before Christmas. “Are there any clubs around here?” she said. “Just the 4-H club,” I replied.

Christmas 1988 was my first Christmas with Fresh. I lived in a basement apartment. I bought a real tree, but couldn’t afford the decorations so we hung all of my gaudy 80s jewelry off it. The pearls were particularly nice.

I had Fresh and my family over for dinner in my wee kitchen. We drank Black Tower. I had a horrible perm and my hair was some odd red colour.

That was the night I had to tell my parents I was moving in with Fresh. I waited until the rest of my family left and then built into it. “Something to tell you. You may not approve. Think it’s for the best. Blah blah blah.” But the time I blurted it out my mother said “Oh, thank God, I thought you were pregnant!”

Monday, December 15, 2003

Solcher Excitement!

And now for something completely different.
This Saddam Sound Bite Brought to you by Fresh
I won't go into all the details, because I don't want it to go in Frank mag, but sufffice it to say that Fresh had to get up early on Sunday because the wanted to speak to B.ill. Such excitement!

Bush: 5 Dignity of Fellow Man: 0
Yes, he's a bad man, but did they have to show that humiliating doctor's examination on the TV? That shows no class.

I was crowned. I will use my power for good, not evil (like preventing people from buying novelty Christmas cardigans and the obliteration Cool Whip from the face of the earth.) I plan to wear my crown for special occasions, such as my birthday lunch with Boomer and Beco. Thank you, Crabby! You're the best!

And just 'cause I like it.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Fresh as the new fallen snow
Fresh’s boss has remained M.inister of F.oreign.A.ffairs. Very strange to watch the 11 o’clock news to find out what department (if any) you’re working with. For those who don’t know, Fresh works in the constituency office, so he works for Bill and they work with whatever ministry Bill has at the time.

Poor Fresh. His plane got in very late last night due to fog. Bill sent a lovely hand painted silk scarf for me (no, he didn’t paint it himself. Or maybe he did…)

Last night I played Christmas music and felt Christmassy for the first time this year. I did a bit of decorating and cleaning and yes! I finished the cards! I never write anything inside except signing them. I don’t know why. So don’t be offended, just enjoy the lovely picture of the front. These are the cards I bought in October.

Ice Prince has a fever on and off this week. Fresh is home with him most of today. I have to go home this aft and I’ll miss most of the Christmas party at work. Oh well. Just have to squeeze five pints into one hour, I guess.

Yes, it’s party season now! Tomorrow is Crabby’s. I’ll remember the pickle dishes.

My birthday is coming up New Year's Eve (35). I must remember to tell new readers the birthday story of why Fresh is called Fresh. And why it won us a trip.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

When did RIM become a verb?

You know those hand held devices called RIMs (short for Research in Motion, the company that makes ‘em).

Anyhow, when did it become a verb?

I really don’t need to hear, “Well, we can RIM her anytime.” while I’m enjoying my tea in my cubicle.
So Fresh was away last night in Ottawa. I had great plans to wash the kitchen floor and do all the Christmas cards, but I totally vegged and watched the Food Network.

Did you know that candy canes start off as one 100 lb stick before they are twisted out into individual sticks? It’s true!

Christmas Joke:
How much do Santa’s Reindeer cost?
Nothing, they’re on the house!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

For those of you who actually work in my building, drop by my veal fattening pen for a special Christmas treat:

Photos of me as a wee icicle with Santa!

Someday when I have the time and maybe money I'll figure out how to get pictures up on the blog. D'oh!

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

For the Girl Who Has Everything

Talk about raising the bar on Christmas presents.

Aw, you shouldn't have. But I'm glad you did.
> What Christmas Carol are you?
Silent Night
You are 'Silent Night'! You really enjoy
Christmas, and you like your Christmases
conventional. For you, Christmas is about
family and traditions, and you rather enjoy the
rituals of going to church at midnight and
turning off the lights before flaming the plum
pudding. Although you find Christmas shopping
frustrating, you like the excitement of
wrapping and hiding presents, and opening a
single door on the Advent Calendar each day.
You like the traditional carols, and probably
teach the children to sing along to them. More
than anyone else, you will probably actually
have a merry Christmas.

Monday, December 08, 2003

Late Weekend Update
So you’re dying to know how dinner with the neighbours went, right? Eh, it was okay. They tell lots of stories about getting and being drunk and the husband asks very personal questions. At one point he asked how we were “going to go about not have any more children”. After a silence, I said with a straight face: “Separate bedrooms.”

Oh and the wine was Peller Estates. ‘Nuff said. But at least it was wine. Lots and lots of wine.

So the jury’s out. They’re okay, I guess. Not class acts like my current friends, right amigos? I hate making new friends. It’s too hard.

And Ice Prince met Santa Claus walking up Bayview. Yep, the real thing. Santa stopped and gave IP a candy cane. IP now loves Santa. “He gave me a candy cane and I ate it all up. Yum!”
Decree From he Ice Queen
Any recipe that includes the words "package of" or "can of" is hereby banned. Those using the following products will be punished:
Onion Soup Mix
Ranch Dressing
Cool Whip (automatic life sentence)
Marshmallow fluff
Corn flakes
Anything with the picture of the Pillsbury dough boy EXCEPT for those butter flake rolls, for sentimental reasons

It's Turtle Day! Why? Why not?
At 4:00 am this morning, someone came to my blog looking for "motivational sayings about turtles."

I don't even remember mentioning turtles here ever. Never mind being the definitive source of motivational sayings about them. Maybe I should be.

" A rolling turtle gathers no moss."
"A turtle in the hand is worth two in the bush."
"It's all fun and games until someone lose a turtle."
"Don't take any wooden turtles."
"If I had a turtle for every time I heard that..."
"Let he who is without sin cast the first turtle."

Saturday, December 06, 2003

More Interactive Fun in Da Fief!

Shamelessly stolen from The Enigma, who stole it from someone else.

Choose any band and then answer the questions in song titles.

BAND: Sting/The Police

1. Are you male or female?: "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic""
2. Describe yourself: "Fragile"
3. How do some people feel about you?: "Super Freak" (Okay, that's by Rick James.) how about Sting's cover of "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" with Jeff Beck
4. Describe your girlfriend/ boyfriend/ spouse interest: "Synchronicity"
5. How do you feel about yourself?: "King (errr Queen) of Pain"
6. Where would you rather be?: "Fields of Gold"
7. Describe how you live: "Don't Stand So Close to Me"
8. Describe how you love: "Why Should I Cry For You?" "Wrapped Around Your Finger"
9. Share a few words of wisdom: "Da Doo Doo Doo Da Da Da Da. That's all I have to say to you."

Friday, December 05, 2003

Did You Know?

When you do a google search on "declaration of Independence painting pantless" my site is the only result.

Yes, someone actually searched for it. I hope I helped.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Do I Have to Bring My Own Cat And If They Supply One Do I Get To Keep It?

So, went to get my flu shot. Piece o'cake. Told the doctor how very very tired I still am. Doc Hibbert looks concerned and says they was still a spot on my lungs in my last xray, but he figured it was the last of the pneumonia. So he's sending me for a CAT scan. In Ajax. In January. Me-ow! Not!

And he sent me for a blood test. By then, I had missed one meeting and had to run in late to another meeting. As I'm sitting there, I'm thinking "Is that blood I feel running down my arm? Nah." I look down and it's soaking through my jacket (black, so very subtle.). So I sit there applying pressure trying to look interested and writing notes. (I didn't just walk out becuase a) I was already heading for the shit list and b) I had already bled through the jacket anyhow c) what would I say, "excuse me, I'm bleeding?" There is no etiquette for such an occasion.)

In other news, I checked the o'l blamblog and as I was admiring the new banner, it suddenly looked to me like it said bjambjog. So today's task: go pick yourself out a Swedish name. I've got another insanely busy day ahead, so I'll try to keep my bodily fluids to myself in today's meetings and check back later.


Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Suitable for Framing
I don't know who to credit, because I've seen this lots of places, but if you haven't yet, go visit Mr. Picasso Head! Fun for the whole family.
Take the Money and Run
The big news in the sandbox this morning is suspected f.raud.

The daycare supervisor suddenly started asking for cash because “we get lots of cheques bouncing”. I had never bounced a cheque, but figured it must be a new policy. This went on for about eight months. Well, guess who is no longer working there? Intrigue galore. Wonder if the kids spend the day sewing labels on La Senza undies?

Flu’s That Girl?
I’m a-gettin the flu shot. I won’t take a Tylenol when I have a headache, but I’ll gladly take whatever vaccine they have for anything. Watch me come down with the flu later today. Oh, the irony!

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

What Were They Thinking?
You know, I moved around a lot as a kid, and there are lots of different things we sold for school fundraisers: cookies, wrapping paper, chocolate covered almonds, spices, cookie dough, but the weirdest was: citrus fruit.

Oh sure, it’s easy to sell an orange, right? Try selling a case. Yep, we had to sell full cases of oranges and grapefruit. Not exactly something you carry in your backpack. I sold one, which all of my relatives split. No one should have to eat that much fruit.

Flu are you? Flu, flu, flu flu!
I’m finally getting my flu shot on Thursday, so everybody lay off already!

New Friends
Our neighbours behind us have invited us over for dinner on Friday. What if they’re religious or swingers or, worst of all, teetotalers?! And another problem: Those who know and love me know that I overdress for everything. That’s part of my quirky charm. How can I introduce the neighbours to my quirky charm without intimidating them or making them think I’m a snob? I like wearing nylons. Maybe if I wear a long skirt, the nylons will be less obvious. I can’t use the “just came from the office” excuse, since I live right behind them. Mind you, they’ve probably seen me out in the backyard in my full Queen attire weeding, so maybe they won’t be so surprised. The night of the big fire next door, everyone else was out front in jammies and I was in a black sleeveless dress. Fashion first, safety second. But I wore flats; I’m not a total snob.

If I obsess like this about new friends, imagine how I was when I was dating?

Monday, December 01, 2003

Christmas is coming, the Queen is getting hyper

Too freakin’ cold to take Ice Prince to meet Santa Tant pis.

Watched Queer Eye last night and Fresh has decided we should serve his family rack of lamb for Christmas dinner. Holy crap! Does this show have some kind of subliminal messaging that changes men into trendy fashionistas? Not that I’m complaining, but we may need raises.

On vaguely the same topic, I had a brilliant (but way too expensive) Christmas gift idea for Fresh. I would like to Queer Eye/While You Were Out his home office, which right now is a ugly stoage space, but has lovely potential. I could paint it, but I can’t afford much furniture. Well, it’s something I’ll keep in mind. Wouldn’t that be cool? He’d love it. Anyone got a leather club chair lying around that they don’t need? Brown, preferably.

I am also adding to my Christmas list one of those electric cars. And a parking space at Church and Bloor. Thanks, Santa Baby.

And more on Christmas: I am downloading Christmas music en francais to add a certain je ne sais quoi to the precedings Très chic!

Anyone have an ice cream maker I can borrow for the holidays? It’s something I’d love to try, but I wouldn’t buy one.

I’m sitting here trying to write a précis of a bunch of material. Sometimes I feel my job should be Business Jargon Translator. Why can’t these people write in English? Leverage this, pal.

Douglas Adams was right about giant currency . Marie Curie " I have no dress except the one I wear every day. If you are going to...