Tuesday, November 30, 2004

In Honour of George Bush's Visit

An Apology to Americans
From This Hour has 22 Minutes
By Reporter 'Anthony St. George' (Performed by Colin Mochrie-after whom my son was named. If you ask me. If you ask Fresh, he's named after Colin Vaughan.)

"Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Sheriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry."

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Well, that explains a lot...

hedwig and the angry inch
Your romance is more of a love that needs to bloom
within, just like Hedwig of Hedwig and the
Angry Inch. The film features an East German
transsexual who is seeking her "other
half" after constant betrayal. You must
love yourself before you can need another.
You're starting to realize this, along with the
fact that you don't need a significant other to
be a complete person. Your "other
half" has been inside you all along.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

Incidentally, if you haven't seen Hedwig-do. Best movie about a botched sex change operation ever and great music. Would I lie?

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Born to Be Wild

"Get your motor runnin'
Get out on the highway
Looking for adventure
In whatever comes my way..."

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

And for all the children of the world to join hands....
Real Press Release Excerpt: “The National Parenting Center (TNPC) has given a big thumbs up to FunSlides on their newly posted list of approved holiday toys. Strapped onto to any athletic shoes, FunSlides are designed to glide over carpet. Product testers especially appreciated the physical exercise FunSlides offer kids age 6 and up. And, the TNPC said parents liked how enthusiastic their kids were about the opportunity to get up and move!”

Is the TNPC chaired by Irwin Mainway? What the? I don’t know about you, but there is no room in my house where sliding across the rug would not result in you hitting something very hard, something very breakable, or possibly both. So I can see why kids would like it, but parents? And what kind of fat ass kid are you if sliding ten feet across your living room is considered good exercise? Do kids not normally have the opportunity to get up and move? What if the batteries are dead on the convertor?

Ice Prince is getting much safer things, from Mainway Toys:
• Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set
• Mr. Skin-Grafter
• General Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit
• Doggie Dentist
• Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk
• Bag O' Glass (We put a label on every bag that says, "Kid! Be careful - broken glass!")
• Bag O' Nails
• Bag O' Bugs
• Bag O' Vipers
• Bag O' Sulfuric Acid
• Invisible Pedestrian Costume ("It says right here - 'not for blind kids!'")

Monday, November 22, 2004

Song For Sister Staceypatrick on Her Just-Past Birthday
Went to Sister Stacey's* birthday party on Saturday. For a present, she was given her bellydance name. Last I heard it was: Nashita. I'll let Sis explain the significance and meaning, etc. But here's the song I promised her (not the full thing, I'll crazy busy here.)

Nashita (to that Elton John Tune)

Oh Nashita, is it cold
With your belly button swaying and exposed?
When you look out in the crowd
Nashita, do you count the tickets sold?

Oh Nashita, you will never know
How to fix your blogger code
Is it because you're getting so damn old?
Oh, whoa, Nashita, don't hit me -- ow!

*New readers, she's not my real sister, but she abuses me like one. And vice-versa.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
So we took Ice Prince to see the Santa Claus Parade. We got there about a third of the way through. IP had a good spot and could see. He enjoyed it. Then, the rumbles began in the crowd. "Santa's coming! Santa's coming!"

IP was getting excited. The reindeer came into view, then Santa. "Merry Christmas!" he yelled "Merry Christmas!" Then the float moved on with Santa.

Ice Prince began to cry. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"He left!"
"Well, yes."
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but," he blubbered, "Where's my present? He didn't bring me my present!"

What we have here is a failure to communicate. Which is very sad, considering my profession. I bought him a candy cane and all was well.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

The Regina Monologues
I gave the royal court titles in the link list. If you don’t like yours, check this out for something more befitting.

Friday, November 19, 2004

I'm experimenting with the template. Be patient and kind.
Meme for a Friday
Type each single letter of the alphabet in the address bar of your browser and list what the auto-complete function pulls up first. I think I first saw this at Paper Napkin and then at Reecie who got it somewhere else. You’re supposed to actually link the site, but I’m too bloody lazy for that nonsense.
A is for Accordion Guy
B is for Babelfish
C is for Chip Tijuana
D is for Dantallion
E is for Edition CNN
F is for Food 4 Epicurious
G is for garlicster.blogspot.com
H is for Harlequeen Romances
I is for Irascible Musings
J is for Job Search at Monster.ca
K is for Kids Help Phone
L is for lamberrymere.blogspot.com
M is for Mikey The Legend
N is for Naditu (Sister Stace’s bellydance site)
O is for some Microsoft Office site.
P is for Paper Napkin
Q is for Quizilla
R is for Reecie.com
S is for Scream for Ice Queen
T is for Toronto IABC
U is for nothin’
V is for Vintage Art Posters
W is for nothin’
X is for nothin’
Y is for nothin’
Z is for nothin’

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

If the Ice Queen Does It, Everybody ‘Jumps’ On the Bandwagon

David Lee Roth is training to be a paramedic. Only I could make saving lives cool in less than 48 hours!

I think I’m going to start a paramedic team and make it full of 80s Music Stars. Let’s see:
David Lee Roth (natch) Jump! Clear!
Cyndi Lauper (“I Drove All Night Just To Get To You”)
Black Michael Jackson (he’s already got one glove)
Right Said Fred “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, tell me where it hurts. I’m too sexy for my cat, think you might need a CAT scan, get me 10 cc’s, stat!” Plus he might had to rip off his shirt to bandage someone.
Bryan Adams (because he’s going to Run To You. And Everything He Does, He Does It For You.)

Who else is in?

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

It’s all fun and games until……
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I enjoyed my First Aid course yesterday so much (picture above is really from my handbook I received) I just may volunteer with St John Ambulance. Suffering from heatstroke at the Ex? It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s SUPER ICEQUEEN!

“But didn’t it bother you touching people?” said Boomer. Apparently my Iciness is legendary.

But it didn’t. I guess because people who are that badly hurt or unconscious can’t talk back.

Ah, I love the smell of latex gloves in the morning...it smells like victory.

Monday, November 15, 2004

New Novel Bits
Two new episodes at Harlequeen Romances (the novel I'm writing for Nanowrimo). Sheryl finally appears and Stacey gets naked. And there are uniforms too! In the next episode, find out what's new with Outlaw, Mikael's faithful German Shepherd.
Turn Your Head And Cough
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us So today I was up at Megabank’s training centre to learn all about First Aid.
1. I hit my head during one of the role playing scenarios. (The instructor told me to pretend to go unconscious. I’m a method actor!)
2. One fellow participant claimed a) his parents said it was unsafe to sleep with his dog (pets suck up all the oxygen!) b) his parents said it was unsafe to sleep with plants in the room (they take your oxygen!) c) a restaurant owner once cured his burned hand by plunging it into a can of tomatoes d) his mom once healed his knife wound by putting Folger’s coffee grounds on it.
3. I’m pretty good under pressure! No, really! It’s great because my penchant for lightening the atmosphere with lame jokes and patter distracts the patient from the fact that I am poking and prodding them. Maybe I should change career streams?
4. I have a stress headache from dealing with fake trauma all day. Or maybe it’s from hitting my head on the floor. Anyone know First Aid?

So if you ever need someone to pound on your chest or give you mouth to mouth, call me, baby. But you have to buy me dinner first.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Speaking of back….
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Sister Staceypatrick’s blog is back from the dead. If you like bellydancing and dislike insurance companies, this is the blog for you! I have to endorse it because she’s my oldest friend. (And getting older by the minute. Hah!)

Crabby’s been back for a while, taking on the hardhitting issues and nearly barfing on her cat. And Chip, of course, is like the little brother we never had.

Speaking of little brothers, I also enjoy Mikey the Legend, which I find to be very Catcher-in-the-Rye for the new millennium.

Friday, November 12, 2004

I Didn't Cheat. Honest.
Tis an ice dragon breathes...when the first snowflake doesnt melt....
You're an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creature, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and family are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
can always apologize later!

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by
Winter Fashion Chez Ice
On my day off yesterday, I went to Zellers and bought:
A pair of aqua blue Muggs for me (a cheap knock off of Uggs boots). Warm ‘n’ toasty! Went for a walk in them and they made my feet sweat!
A pair of Spiderman winter boots for the Prince. Spidey’s eyes light up when he walks.
A red and navy Nordic flap hat with a big tassel for IP

Ice Prince loved his new gear so much, he curled up in an armchair hugging his loot and refused to put them down until dinner was ready. He also ripped off his hat at the school door and proudly showed it to his teacher, explainingg that it matches his Spidey boots which he didn’t wear today because it wasn’t snowing yet..

Christmas Presents
Once again, the Queen will be making her Christmas presents. I can’t tell you this year’s idea because some of you may be recipients, but it is edible (at least, that’s the plan….)

Past Ice Queen Homemade Triumphs include:
Tile coasters with Jack Handey quotations on them
Infused olive oil
Chocolate truffles
Russian nesting dolls, handpainted to look like all family members (for my mom) – I should get a picture of these for the blog!
Bird house handpainted to look like Glencoe Train Station (for my Dad)
Handknit scarf for Fresh that turned out to be about 12 feet long and 2 feet wide.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Because I can't say it any better
What Dan says.

Busy writing my novel on the bus (Sheryl is about to appear!) and doing work here at work. You know.

Go visit Izzle Pfaff! He makes me laugh. Today's post is good, but my favourite is here.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Today in Ice Queen History
Here's a golden oldie from Nov. 8, 2003:

"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Kodos": The Ice Queen's Election Special

A piece on the ol' blamblog has inspired a new tune. Brett ponders: If Miller looks like a mayor and thinks like a mayor, does he smell like a mayor? The Icicle Fief went straight to the Ouija Board to ask the world's foremost expert, Kurt Cobain:

Smells like David Miller

Load up on Pez and
Bring your friends
No fun to lose
I won’t pretend
I don’t just run
To pay the rent
Got to go meet
Some constituents

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Must admit I’ve got great hair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Though Babs thinks it unfair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
They’ve been hintin’
I’m like Clinton
Eating Cheetos
In my speedo

Babs got worse, failed the test
And for this gift I feel blessed
She’s pretty cute though, she’s no hag
She vaguely looks like me in drag

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Only ran on a dare
Here I am now
I am your mayor
Look sincere, like I care
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Don’t like jets
Don’t incinerate
Reduce murder
Have some burgers

And why am I
So squeaky clean?
Use Irish Spring
And some Brylcreem
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello
Not like Thatcher, more like Blair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Did I mention, my great hair?
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Tom is E.T.
John is needy
Babs is biding
Tory’s bribing
Yeah, a denial
A denial
A denial...

Go on out and vote for the candidate of your choice. And don't forget to take your Pez.

(This post was in no way paid for by the Campaign to elect David Miller. Unfortunately. But if the campaign would like to send along some money retroactivately, that'd be grand. Thanks.)

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Three new posts up on Harlequeen Romances. Check it out!

Seen yesterday written on a very dusty pick-up truck: "I wish my wife was as dirty as my truck."

Friday, November 05, 2004

Things are really moving at Harlequeen Romances. I'm 8.17% done! And it's only the beginning of Day 5. (For new readers: I am part of a challenge whereby I have to write a 50,000 word novel between Nov 1st and Nov 30th.) Am I going to make it? Stay tuned.

I welcome any comments or suggestions, especially since the novel is all about YOU. What do you think should happen next?

For serious novel writing, get your box of kleenex and head over to Mikevil's Bathmat Cat book. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Wanda killed off her main character in Chapter One and Surly managed a naked man in the shower on page one. I'm still trying to catch up on all my reading.

But if you only read one, make it mine. Because it's all about wine, prostitutes, strippers, cooking, cats, a German Shepherd and all your favourite Ice Queen regulars.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

A Few Good Men
Wanda is in mourning about the election results and one of her readers suggested that she could marry a Canadian and move here, since we allow same sex marriage in this enlightened country.
So let’s start up that Underground Maleroad.

Canadian boys and girls, are you ready to give up your singlehood to save an American?

Americans, are you ready to embrace this godless country of pot smoking sodomites?

Orientation classes will include the topics:
Food: You’ve Always Got Time for Tim Hortons
Language: Why does May 24 not always fall on the 24th?
Money: How to tell the difference between Canadian currency and Canadian Tire Money
Manners: Saying “You’re Welcome”
Music: Learning to Love Ron Sexsmith and Rufus Wainwright
Art: Group of Seven Actually Had Eight Members
Film: Sarah Polley must appear in all Canadian films or a disclaimer must be run.
Seasons: Construction and Winter

Please attach applications for immigrating or for sponsoring an American in the comments section.

Monday, November 01, 2004

More Fine Literary Offerings
If my own pallid prose isn't up to snuff, there's an ongoing story on the ol'Blamblog, in which I persuade Chip (who is channelling Bones McCoy) to join me on the dark side. Or is it the light side? Only my squid monkey minions know for sure.

(Oh, and I seem to have gotten Bill Clinton killed. Oopsie!)
And They're Off!
My first post is up on Harlequeen Romances. Please remember:
1. Quantity, not Quality
2. Although a character may be named after you and may share many of your qualities, it is FICTION. It's not you. I'm not insulting you or making fun of you. Well, maybe just a little. But you're free to write your own novel about me too.
3. I'm doing this quickly. I'm trying to get a plot of some sort rolling, so I'll probably be a bit short on descriptions for a while.

Coming soon, in this order:
Scenes with
Icy, Don’t Eat It!
(named after the always hilarious regular feature on The Sneeze)

Ice Prince’s Loot:
12 O’Henrys
8 Reeses Peanut butter Cups
3 Aero Bars
2 Caramilks
1 Mars bar
1 Crunchie bar
Assorted Rockets, suckers, toffees
1 set of Gummy Fangs (IP ate these first, in one bite. I thought he was going to choke.)
1 super cool Sponge Bob Squarepants toothbrush

And three of these:
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Just opened it. Looks like a normal pink hard candy. Tastes like……
Tomato. And a bit of plum. Quite nice, actually.

(Yes, I steal candy from my kid. And this’ll probably be the last year I can so hush!)

Eeeewww….it’s getting a lot more tomato-y as I get nearer the centre.

Douglas Adams was right about giant currency . Marie Curie " I have no dress except the one I wear every day. If you are going to...