Thursday, November 03, 2011

Here's a poem I wrote my Mom for her birthday yesterday. Maybe you will like it.

No. 2

this was a poem
about sparrows
fat and mud brown
puffy pinatas
full of bird seed and stuffing
stuffed with it

a poem about
dust battles and dry leaves
and commotion
about brown & grey
and candy wrappers
and crumb battles
and a day the colour
of gravy
of pencil lead
of November

but the sun crept into this poem
licking between the lines
slinking along the ligatures
soft on padded feet
bright and silent
as an e

the sparrows
like fleeing punctuation
rose and dotted the sky
all pauses and exclamation

now this is a poem about
a warm patch of sun curled with yellow yawns around the day

and dreams with wings

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Amazing Kay Anderson, Your Friend!

Found her on Kijiji. This woman is so multi-talented, she will rid you of snakes, perform for your children, buy your house, pick up your dog poop and count your inventory. All with NO SMOKE BREAKS (during job)! Here are some exerpts from her ads, seriously, must be read to be appreciated:

End Snakes RULE! I will STOP them bothering You! Snake Guards! Safe for Children, Pets, keeps out snails and skunks, limits snakes so they leave on their own.. and will put money in my pocket and hair on your chest.. or something like that

Dressed as Woodesey the Elf: MAGIC! Show with Live Bunny!  Kids enjoy helping work the Magic with FREE Candy Magic Shaker Wands!  No Dangerous Blades, Fires, etc.  Things like Here & Gone! Wet & Dry! Shrinking! & more Kids get to have fun.. eating potatoe chips

SNAKE PROOF Your BASEMENT & Yard! No More LEAKY Basements! NEW Construction System keeps out rats, snakes, mice, ants and insects from entering basement levels (with windows closed).Serious inquiries only.. cash in hand.  $30,000 plus hst.  Added fees apply if snakes in basement already.  Installation time approximately 3-4 weeks conditional on city inspections.
ALL Types Wallpaper SALE! Just $28/hr! Plus Supplies
RACCOON REPELLANT Applied for You $50 plus HST
SAVE $100 On Your Next Accurate COUNT! Use OUR InventoryServices
  • Healthy!  Drug Free!  (& Non-smoking at least on shift!) No Smoke Breaks needed! Cooperative!  Willing to wear Gloves, Hair Nets, whatever!

  • Accomodating!  Kind and Polite!  Will make needed changes without complaint!

  • Exterior Cement or Wood STAIR REPAIRS! No More Falling Apart!
    Full Spectrum Fungicide - Algaecide our OWN mixture
    Leaf Cleeaning
    House Cleaning
    Creative Tutoring! by K Anderson Just $25 for a 1st Session! 
  • Teaching Techniques that foster INDEPENDANT Learning and Love of Finding TRUTH, KNOWLEDGE, and EXPLORING the WONDERS and MYSTERIES of The World are basic to my services.

  • BIRKS! Porcelain 3 Angel Set OCCUPIED JAPAN suspected!

    Still in the BIRKS Box with Original Wrapping.. this set of 3 Porcelain Angel Figurines compete with Llandro and other FINE Porcelain Figurines.   Each has the BIRKS Sticker on the bottom and is stamped "JAPAN". Waiting for BIRKS to get back with the documented info.. could be old enough to be Occupied Japan.. ?  I doubt it but they will check for me.  Just too new looking for that.. however.. we'll see what BIRKS say in writing!  Meanwhile.. get it NOW for just the $125 plus HST!
    Doggie Clean Up Services.. just $20 a Visit! Made in Canada ONLY Plastic Bags a bit larger than the pestilence carrying made in chine ones, filled to the tie. Before and After Photos of Totally BALD Yards from neighbors and family dogs..
    HOUSE to Assume Payments Will Pay Seller $4,400 & RE

    Tuesday, August 30, 2011

    For Stacey (the one who likes to cook, not the one who likes to bellydance)

    Pumpkin Scones Recipe
    2 cups all-purpose flour
    7 tablespoons granulated sugar
    1 tablespoon baking powder
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
    1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
    1/2 cup canned pumpkin
    3 tablespoons half-and-half
    1 large egg
    6 tablespoons cold butter

    1 cup plus 1 tablespoon powdered sugar
    2 tablespoons whole milk

    1 cup plus 3 tablespoons powdered sugar
    2 tablespoons half and half cream
    1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
    pinch ground ginger

    1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.
    2. Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and 1/4 teaspoon ginger in a large bowl.
    3. In a separate medium bowl, whisk together pumpkin, half-and-half, and egg.
    4. Cut butter into cubes then add it to the dry ingredients. Mix with your hand, rubbing the butter in until it is the texture of cornmeal or coarse sand.
    5. Fold wet ingredients into dry ingredients, then form the dough into a ball. Pat out dough onto a lightly floured surface and form it into a 1-inch thick disk. Vut it into eight triangles, like a pizza, and seperate them a bit so they can spread.
    6. Bake for 14 to 16 minutes on a baking sheet that has been lightly oiled or lined with parchment paper. Scones should begin to turn light brown. Watch them, they burn quickly near the end!
    7. While scones cool, prepare plain glaze by combining ingredients in a medium bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed. Mix until smooth.
    8. When scones are cool, use a brush to paint a coating of the glaze over the top of each scone.
    9. As that white glaze firms up, prepare spiced icing by combining ingredients in another medium bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed. Drizzle this thicker icing over each scone and allow the icing to dry before serving (at least 1 hour). A squirt bottle works great for this, or you can drizzle with a whisk.

    Monday, May 02, 2011


    NOTE PHOTO: Full Disclosure!  You don't often get that from a candidate!
    • He is a cat of colour (black*)
    • He is transgendered (fixed)
    • He has successfully run his own pest control business since 1999
    • He was born in the riding. His father was in retail (a variety store cat) and his mom was a stay-at-home mom.
    • He is a strong advocate of change, especially when his litter has that not so fresh feeling
    • He has 80 human years of experience 
    • He is not into party politics. If we have a party, he prefers to hide under the bed. 
    • He does not impose doctrine on anyone. Leo has no love for doctorin’, especially if it means getting poked with needles or having thermometers stuck up his behind.
    • He is not dogmatic. Occasionally catatonic.
    • Has only used catnip medicinally.
    • Won't slash any funding. He's declawed.
    * Okay, he's not totally black.  He looks black, but as you can see from the picture, he seems to have a white under layer.  We believe he is a Smoke Cat, which is a rare fur colour mutation.  We are also unable to produce his birth certificate, but swear he was not born in Kenya.  He has also never had a massage; he hates having his belly touched.

    Wednesday, April 27, 2011

    In Roman Holiday, there is a Vespa and no Cats are Harmed

    So I changed the blog template to a gas flame from a stove.  I thought maybe I should change my blog name to "Gas Queen" but.....

    New topic: I hate the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. HATE.  I feel like I should like it, feel as if I lose some cool cred disliking it, but I do not like it, Sam I am!  Here's why:

    • Tiffany’s is a boring store. If I were to gaze into a window, it would be Pet Smart,  LCBO, Pusateri’s… yeah. Breakfast at Pusateri’s staring at the giant reserved wheels of Parmesan Reggiano. Swoon!
    • Sally Tomato, Sing Sing, Drugs
    • Refusing to name her cat.
    • Rusty Trawler
    • Mickey Rooney
    • Lula Mae Barnes.
    • Cracker Jack (cliche and the prizes are no good anymore, just stickers, and there are barely any peanuts now)
    • Brazil?
    • Holly throws the cat from the taxi into the pouring rain.

    I don’t care if it’s just a movie. You don’t do that. EVER.  Luckily, “Cat” was a consummate actor named Orangey who went on to win two “Oscars” (the Patsy, for animals) one of which was for his own movie Rhubarb BEFORE Breakfast at Tiffany’s so neener neener neener.

    Moon River is okay, but only when Nelson Muntz is in the audience.

    And I do love Deep Blue Something's song Breakfast at Tiffany's. Which always bothered me, until I found out that the movie he wrote the song about was actually Roman Holiday, but that didn't sound as good.

    Monday, April 18, 2011

    You Can't Always Get What You Want
    Have you ever rented a car?  90% of the time they don't have the car you reserved and they give you a different one.  "Sorry, but we're out of compacts...but we've got an 8 cylinder Chrysler Behemoth instead!"  What is the point of reserving if you don't get what you reserved?  Can you imagine this happening in other businesses?
    • "Sorry, we ran out of roast beef sandwiches, so I brought you tuna salad."
    • "We don't have those jeans in a size 8, but here's a size 16!"
    • "We didn't have any blonde dye left, so I made you a redhead!"
    • "Well, we ran out of King sized bed rooms, but we have this great bunk bed room for your honeymoon!"
    • "I didn't know how to do that little Chinese character you wanted tatooed on your back, so I did Hello Kitty, but I gave you an extra large one to make up for it!"

    Oh, and while I'm here, how does Just For Men haircolour know what colour to make your hair? They only have 4 colours! I wish I were a man just to see if it worked.  I know I could try it anyway, but I don't have any grey hair yet. Not for lack of trying.

    Thursday, April 14, 2011

    Susan Clarke`s Violent Torpedo of Behavioural Interview Questions

    I have several job interviews a week.  Talking about my self for an hour at a time a few times a week feels like a version of Charlie Sheen's Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour.  Love me.  LOVE ME!!!!!!! I'm Awesome! "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching, a total … rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain."

    And sometimes I feel like Tom from the movie Office Space: " I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?"

    It`s really exhausting talking about yourself.  I begin to forget which anecdotes I have told and which bon mots I have used. I do enjoy dressing up in nice clothes again instead of bleach stained black cotton.

    Most of the jobs are in Internal Communications for Megacorporations (because that`s how I roll, beeyotch!), but I did interview for (and would love) to run an instore cooking school. (Sadly the pay wold be much less, but it would be very satisfying I think). I ran across this and without talking too much about Charlie Sheen, I do like it and find it inspiration should I teach cooking:

    Friday, March 18, 2011

    Boy, Boy For Sale, He's Going Cheap, Only Seven Shillings!

    So Ice Prince and I have been hanging out for March Break.  You may wonder what we've been up to.  He plays a lot of video games. He's checkmated me at chess 9 times out of 10.  And we're writing a book!  It's going to be awesome. It's an ABC book about a mom who's telling her kid to go to sleep, but he keeps making noise and doing crazy things.  Do you think R is for Rastarfarians works? Oh and this afternoon we (by his request) will be playing Iron Chef.  The secret ingredient is.....ZUCCHINI!

    So Ice Prince is 10 now and developing some major attitude.  Is it his teen hormones kicking in? What if he's a teen when I hit menopause? Maybe I could take his excess hormones to replace my depleting ones.  We could have a dialysis machine. Suppose that would work better with a girl teen...not sure I want testosterone, although maybe I might get a six pack. The only six pack I have right now can be returned for deposit.

    (Real son, not as pictured.
    That's Mark Lester)

    Holy Cow P.S.!  Mark Lester portrayed Oliver in the movie from which the title of this post was taken. Well guess what!
    "Lester was a close friend of Michael Jackson from 1982 until Jackson's death in 2009, and Jackson chose him to be godfather to the children. In August 2009, Lester gave an interview to the British tabloid newspaper News of the World, claiming that he could be the biological father of Paris Katherine Jackson, the late singer's daughter. Lester claimed to have been a sperm donor for Jackson in 1996, and announced that he was willing to take a paternity test to determine whether he was the father."

    OMG, everybody!

    Tuesday, March 15, 2011


    So Charlie Sheen has not yet responded to my intern application and yesterday was the deadline for his reply.  Guess it's back to banks and insurance companies for me.

    Oh!  New internet sensation Rebecca Black's video Friday is making the rounds.  Have a listen. Oh, please do, it's worth it. It'll make you feel like it's 1985 again!  Now... do you think it's better than Robin Sparkles?  It's Video Smackdown!

    Monday, February 28, 2011

    Today is the first day of my next (yet to be determined) new adventure
    So it's 5:45.  Normally, I would be catching the first subway train to the cafe right now.  Instead, I'm watching Mary Tyler Moore reruns in my housecoat.  Don't worry, I won't become lazy and luxurious.  I'm heading in to the cafe around 8 am and I'll hang around a bit to make sure Silvia's doing alright.  Then I will be heading to Ice Prince's school to watch him compete in the public speaking finals!  This is amazing because:
    1. I have the freedom to attend something in the middle of the day!
    2. Ice Prince is excelling in public speaking! (Okay, to anyone who has met him, this is no surprise whatsoever. Getting him to STOP talking about stuff he loves would be an achievement.)
    3. He actually wants me to go despite my ongoing threat to bring a foam finger.

    5:55 am and I wold normally be turning on the ovens and mixing the muffins. And I'm sitting here in my housecoat watching Mary Tyler Moore. I'm going to turn on some coffee (yes, the same Reunion Island coffee, once you try it you can't go back).

    It's raining outside, which I love. (Raining inside, not so much.)

    I read in the Eye Weekly paper that a 39 year old elephant at the Toronto Zoo was euthanized because she had arthritis in her feet. If anyone from the Toronto Zoo asks about me, please pretend you haven't seen me. Thanks.

    Thursday, February 03, 2011

    Come On, Scream for Ice Cream Gif - Come On, Scream for Ice Cream

    So maybe you're here because you saw that the Cafe was closing and you wanted to keep in touch with me, Susan, as I ease back into civilian life.  Welcome!

    I used to blog daily before we opened the cafe.  I'd lke to get back into it.

    I am currently interviewing for jobs in Internal Communications Management, which is what I spent 10 years doing.  I've had two face to face interviews I am pretty psyched about, so we'll see how those pan out.

    Feel free to dig around in the archives.  I'm a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

    Wednesday, January 12, 2011

    Back, like a Bad Rash.

    So I'm back blogging.  It's been about two years.  So what's happened in the meantime?
    • I turned 40.  With little fanfare. I wanted fanfare!  But we were busy..
    • I opened a cafe.  It's wonderful, it's horrible.
    •  My older cat died (Mel).
    • My younger cat got older.
    • Ice Prince turned 10.  
    • I got one grey hair which promptly fell out.  No more followed.
    • I haven't dyed my hair ONCE.
    • I chopped off all my hair. Then I grew it back.
    • I lost weight. I gained weight. Lather, rinse, repeat.
    • I lost contact with many friends.  Which makes me sad.
    • I laughed, I cried. I went through all the emotions. It was much better than Cats..
    Anyhow, I am in a period of reinvention.  I have a secret. (We've sold the cafe.  Sssshhhh....We'll be announcing it soon.) So I'm looking for a new job. Anyone need me?

    Oh, there are lots of reasons involving money and time and security and stuff. I'm mostly okay with it, although it is bittersweet.

    So, we're caught up now.  How have YOU been? You're looking good. Have you been working out?

    Monday, January 10, 2011

    Ice Queen is Back!  And talking about...SPORTS?!

    The bitch is back, so let's start off slowly, shall we?

    Why do they have fights in hockey, but not so much in other team sports?  Is it because they drop their gloves to signify the start of a fight and other teams sports don't require gloves?  If two soccer players got in a fight, would they only be allowed to use their feet?

    These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

    Douglas Adams was right about giant currency . Marie Curie " I have no dress except the one I wear every day. If you are going to...