We do not appear to be amused. Welcome back! Did you have a good holiday? Mine was insane. Seriously, I’m happy to be back at work where things are lovely and peaceful. Now that my brain has been emptied of the grocery and present lists, I have room for the usual insanity. Let’s catch up, shall we?
James Brown Has Died I guess he didn’t feel so good after all.
At The Christmas Pageant Ice Prince: Daddy, are there only two of those? Fresh: The angels? No there are more there, see? IP: No, I mean those two bald guys over there! (pointing at the pews)
IP: Did the baby Jesus grow up to be a thoughtful man?
IP was also royally pissed that he got bread at communion but not wine. “Why can’t I have the wine?!” Good thing I didn’t tell him it was the blood of Christ. “How come I can’t have any blood, Mommy?! I want the blood too!”
No one comes out of the closet Chez Ice I spent yesterday putting together a futon I bought at (shhhhh) Walmart. It’s quite lovely, although altogether too big for the guest room. Oh well. We didn’t need to open that closet anyway.
Heartwarming Story It seems that young Ice Prince still believes in Santa Claus. When we got home from church on Christmas Eve (yes, church, hush up), IP quickly put out Santa’s brownies, insisted on fewer bedtime stories, told Fresh and I we could only give him one hug and kiss and no talking and then dismissed us saying “Go, go! I have to get to sleep!”
Christmas morning, Santa brought IP some spider-man toys, a robot and a Giant Tiger. When IP spotted the tiger, he immediately ran to get MY present from him. “But don’t you want to look at what Santa got you?” “No, open yours!”
It was a stuffed tiger. “I bought it with my own money! I know how much you love tigers!”
Now what kid would rather give his mom a present than open or look at his own? I get all misty thinking about it!
(Don’t worry, he quickly turned into the present opening machine we all know and love.)
Okay, more later. Plus I’ll be at Rannie and Jay’s party tomorrow (probably straight from work), so I’ll see you there! Gotta go find some Hawaiian clothes at lunch. I bought Fresh a real Hawaiian shirt last week – perfectly tacky!
We’re going to party like it’s two weeks ‘til 2007! Which is infinitely better than partying like it’s 1999! And with more exclamation points!
Yes, I’ve been neglectful. There’s been a lot going on. Oh, no big deal, really. Just having my fragile little ego stomped.
But hey, you don’t need to hear that. We’re having a PARTY on Saturday and YOU are invited! (Didn’t get your e-vite? Let me know!)
Dress code: Whatever, as long as it’s fabulous. And I wouldn’t have invited you if you weren’t fabulous. Goodwill’s having a 50% off sale tomorrow, so who knows what I may end up wearing.
And don’t forget to bring you instrument if you play one. I expect later in the evening, we may sing. Come early if live karaoke frightens you.
Don’t drink and drive! Taxis are plentiful! (Another good reason for me not to have a birthday party on New Year’s Eve.)
Oh yeah, and you get to see my new hairdo. Or as Ice Prince said “Hey! You’re wearing the wrong hair, Mommy!”
Speaking of which IP and I took the train to Ottawa last weekend. The train rolled into the station. Me: We’re in Ottawa! IP: But it looks just like home! Me: What were you expecting? IP: I thought it would be all Chinese! With sushi! Me: It was a long train ride, but it wasn’t THAT long.
Oooo! Controversy on a Tuesday! Today Defective Yeti has a photo up that is causing some controversy. Is it funny or very sad?
Exhibit A: On my 10th wedding anniversary, Fresh and I went for our first overnight without Ice Prince (then 6 months old). I was fine until the next morning when I saw a shot of a baby crying in a movie still. It broke my heart that they made baby unhappy to film a scene.
Exhibit B: When Ice Prince was 3 and a half, we took him to Sears for a portrait. It was the worst experience. He cried, I cried. He yelled, I yelled. I have post-traumatic stree disorder just thinking about it.
Exhibit C: I neither laughed nor cried when I saw the Yeti photo. I suspect it was not staged, but just snapped. Mainly I thought, “Oh those poor parents!” If it was staged, yes, I’d be pissed.
I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! I'm feeling much better, thanks.
I've been sick all week. And no, I didn't have any tequila at Maria's party. I did manage to get my backpack I left at her house, which is good, considering I usually leave clothing.
Speaking of which, last night on The Office (which I love), Michael (the boss) is riding home drunk in the back of Pam's car when he suddenly says mournfully "These aren't my shoes." Those of you who attended my 30th birthday party will find that amusing.
Disclaimer: Party guests may not be exactly as pictured.
Oh yeah, I'm not having a birthday party this year because it's so hard to get people out on New Year's, so instead Fresh and I are having a Holiday Open House on Saturday December 16th. We haven't picked a time yet, is 4-8 better or is 8 to whenever better?
Anyhow, book it and be there. I'll provide food, you provide booze. Remember to bring an instrument, as the evening will probably eventually degenerate into some sort of singing and playing thing, as usual.
Radio Guy and I went to Sushi Train on Yonge, where we enjoyed lunch. It was great fun with lots of things to play with. The conveyor takes the plates around and you choose. We sat at the bar and Chris managed to impress a Francophone woman seated next to him with his fluency.
Watch the video and hum "It's a Small World After All" while it plays. Shortly after the video finished, a bottle with a glove on it went by.
Sorry it's a little late, but my household was supporting Spider-man for City Council.
Because Spidey acknowledges that "with great power comes great responsibility". He is both "friendly" and "neighbourhood". He's "brilliant but lazy". Green Goblin already warned him that "No matter what you do for them, eventually, they will hate you." Sounds like politics to me!
JS Bonbons. Perhaps that will be my stage name. I always used to love Kazaa, but have finally tired of having to delete all the extraneous adware.
What do y'all use to download music?
Our costumes are all set for tomorrow. If my mom lets me out of the house dressed like that. Last night we carved the pumpkin - dubbed "Shark Boy" by Ice Prince.
Tonight I am going to a networking event where we learn to make chocolate with JS Bonbons. Those of you who know the Ice Queen will know that I do NOT like to make small talk - this is all about the chocolate.
What else, what else. My mom's birthday is Thursday. She wants a sea theme. I was thinking about getting a fish in a fishbowl as a centrepiece. I'd like a fish, and it would make a good first pet for IP. Or a good appetizer for Leo the Cat. What wine goes with guppy?
Having problems coming up with a costume idea? Help is on the way at this site.
Here’s a quote:
“Allow me to inspire you: One year, I went as a bag of chips. I used two pieces of white cardboard and drew the Humpty Dumpty cartoon character, and my friend "rippled" a round piece of cardboard and went as a chip!”
Err…on second thought, maybe you can come up with better ideas on your own.
Smells like Love! So Eva has initiated a blogger's Halloween pool party at The Rivoli at 8 pm on Tuesday. Fresh and I will be there, dressed as Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love. A guitarist and a trashy train wreck. Some will say typecasting, to which I say - well, duh!
Seriously, you don't want to miss that, do you? Wanna come too? Sure! Just let me or Eva know, so that if we turn out to be a gang of 40 or 50 people we can plan ahead. I think Maria's coming too. I think she should knit herself a costume -- THAT would be cool. Maybe she could come as her lost mitten.
Bonus Track: Smells Like David Miller 2006 Remix (Original from 2003)
A piece on the ol' blamblog inspired a new tune. Brett pondered: If Miller looks like a mayor and thinks like a mayor, does he smell like a mayor? The Icicle Fief went straight to the Ouija Board to ask the world's foremost expert, Kurt Cobain:
Load up on Pez and Bring your friends No fun to lose I won’t pretend I don’t just run To pay the rent Got to go meet Some constituents
Only ran on a dare Here I am now I am your mayor Look sincere, like I care Here I am now I’m your mayor Don’t like jets Don’t incinerate Reduce murder Have some burgers Yeah!
And why am I So squeaky clean? Use Irish Spring And some Brylcreem It was hard to find Oh well, whatever, nevermind
Hello, hello, hello, hello Hello, hello, hello, hello Not like Thatcher, more like Blair Here I am now I’m your mayor Did I mention, my great hair? Here I am now I’m your mayor Jane's a pitbull Drew is pitiful How 'bout Bob Rae? (Oops, wrong race, eh?) Yeah, a denial A denial A denial...
I will not suggest naughty things for show and tell, even if they are technically correct.
I got Ice Prince in trouble at school yesterday.
It was alphabet show and tell. IP's letter was "D". He's in French immersion.
I suggested "derrière".
I think you can guess how that whole scenario turned out.
Reminds me of Bart's chalkboard detentions. Those starred have or will soon be uttered by Ice Prince. Seriously.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"* (IP said "Hi sweetie, how's my girlfriend?" to his teacher.) They are laughing at me, not with me* I will not trade pants with others* I will not do that thing with my tongue* I will not drive the principal's car I will not sell land in Florida I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge My name is not Dr. Death* I will not prescribe medication I will not bury the new kid I will not eat things for money* I will not call the principal "spud head" Goldfish don't bounce* Mud is not one of the 4 food groups* No one is interested in my underpants* I do not have diplomatic immunity I will not charge admission to the bathroom My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man I am not delightfully saucy* Organ transplants are best left to the professionals There are plenty of businesses like show business I will not send lard through the mail I will not dissect things unless instructed* Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough* Next time it could be me on the scaffolding* I will not strut around like I own the place* The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far* I do not have power of attorney over first graders No one wants to hear from my armpits* I am not a lean mean spitting machine* The boys room is not a water park* (IP actually flooded the bathroom two weeks ago) Indian burns are not our cultural heritage I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist* I am not certified to remove asbestos A fire drill does not demand a fire I no longer want my MTV There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"* Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related My butt does not deserve a website* I will not scream for ice cream I am not a licensed hairstylist Sherri does not "got back" No one wants to hear about my sciatica It does not suck to be you I cannot absolve sins I have neither been there nor done that Fridays are not "pants optional"* Pork is not a verb I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize* I will not sell my kidney on eBay "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge* I will not surprise the incontinent* I am not the acting President I will only provide a urine sample when asked* Making Milhouse cry is not a science project Milhouse did not test cootie positive SpongeBob is not a contraceptive Sandwiches should not contain sand*
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Another Saturday Night and I ain't got no money Ain't got no money though I just got paid
Everyone’s all “TGIF” at home and at work, and I’m thinking that tomorrow (Saturday) I have: 9:30 Swimming Lessons for Ice Prince 10:30 Go to toy store and purchase Spider-man sticker book as reward for IP’s good behaviour (if he meets requirements) 11:00 Pick up Apples at Civic Centre (It’s Scouts Apple Day) 11:10 Have fight with IP because he wants to play with sticker book, not sell apples 11:15 Go home and play with sticker book 12:30 Bribe IP to sell apples by offering to go for pizza lunch first 1:00 Lunch 2:00 Sell apples (hopefully not door to door) 3:00 Put roast in oven 3:30 return apple money to Civic Centre 5:30 Dinner 6:30 Leave for Girl’s Night. Forgot to get munchies and wine! 6:35 Plunder cellar for wine. 6:45 Plunder cupboards and fridge for snacks. Find only Cheddar Bunnies and Cheese Strings. 6:50 Beg Dad for a lift 7:00 Arrive at Sister Staceypatrick’s. Unwrap Cheese Strings and try to pass off as gourmet treat. 7:15 Try on Skinny pants I gave to SS in 2000. They don’t fit. Get pissed off. 7:30 Sulk. Decline to eat in snit over skinny pants. 7:35 Drown sorrows in wine. 8:43 Sorrows treading water. Eat lots of snacks to cushion alcohol. 9:42 Sorrows down for the count 10:59 Sorrows gone 11:13 Remember wine has calories. Remember skinny pants. Recommence sulk. 11:16 Sulk sequel pre-empted by another glass of wine. 11:22 Contest with Crabby and Sister to see who can make the rudest Cheese String sculpture Depart by midnight via taxi to avoid turning into a pumpkin.
Alas, everyone’s pants stayed on Friday, Rannie and I did our photo shoot. It was great fun! We had to hike through some weeds and over some barriers, but I think we’ll have some good shots. One fisherman came over to talk to us and I was disappointed that he wasn’t wearing hip waders because I wanted to ask to borrow them for the shoot. “Would you mind taking off your pants?” – Rannie suggested I say if we saw anyone wearing them.
We had Thanksgiving brunch at my house yesterday, and here’s what I made: Ham and black-eyed pea soup Brie, pear and walnut strudel Blintzes with caramelized apples Mushroom and asparagus frittata Sausages with apple, onion and sage And for dessert Bête Noire (flourless chocolate cake with ganache – spell check suggests I change that to read “panache”) Pumpkin Pie
My mother just shakes her head and says “You’re the only person I know who cooks to relax.”
Tomorrow is Ice Prince’s photo day and he also gets invested into Beavers, which means he gets his neckerchief.
AHHHH!!! I forgot it was Catmas! Here's an oldie but goodie:
FROM THE ARCHIVES: JANUARY 23, 2006
Cats and Politics. Hot damn, now I'm a REAL blogger! IQ: I’m here reporting to you live from the Icicle Fief deep in the heart of East York, where an epic election night battle rages between Jack Layton and his moustache. Tonight, as we wait for the polls to close at the ungodly hour of 9:30 pm, we will be discussing the issues with our panelists Melody K. columnist at the Globe and Tail, and Leo Tolstoy , Political Analyst at The National Purrs. Thank you both. Mel: You’re welcome. Leo: A pleasure, as always. (purrs) IQ: Let’s start with you, Leo. What do you see as the stand out issues in the 2006 campaign? Leo: Well, as a cat of altered gender, I feel that the Conservative government would not only put a kibosh on same sex marriage, but on no-sex marriage. IQ: That’s funny, I though the Conservatives were all FOR no-sex. Mel: Ahem! IQ: Yes, Melody. What do YOU think was the most important issue in 2006. Mel: Obviously, we cannot ignore the issue of the decriminalization of catnip. Leo: rolls his eyes Mel: But what really grates on my nerves is all these kittens running around with claws. Leo: I suppose you support declawing. Mel: Naturally. As a house pet, I believe our claws are entirely unnecessary. Leo: So you prefer mutilation. Mel: Looks who taking, eunuch-boy. Leo: It’s not like I signed up for this. It was hardly necessary, with you as the only female cat in the house, there was NO temptation. Mel: Oh yeah? I also want to go on record against methodone clinics. Leo: Hey, man, don’t slam the clinics! Mel: Freebasing Little Friskies again, are we? Leo: I don’t have to take this kind of abuse. I find pieces of cats like you in my stool. This discussion is over. IQ: And there we have it. Another cat fight masquerading as commentary. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Apocalypse.
UPDATE: Leo: Now that a conservative minority has been officially declared, I hereby challenge Harper to compose a cabinet with proportional representation for transgendered cats of colour, such as myself.
My place is going to be Étienne Brulé Park at Old Mill Station watching the salmon swim upstream at Thanksgiving. (Yes, I'm difficult, I had to include a time of year as well.) I also had my wedding photos done there and I think my parents did also.
Fresh. Y’all know Fresh. I love him and he’s so different from me. And yet, we understand each other so well. Or, as I like to say: “You could never leave me. No one else would put up with all your eccentricities.” He could say the same for me, I’m sure.
I’ve been sick lately. “Hee, hee hee, what am I going to do with you?” was Dr. Hibbert’s diagnosis.) So Saturday, I was feeling a bit punk. “Have a bath,” says Fresh, “That’ll make you feel better.”
I agreed. How thoughtful! He knows how much good a hot bath does me. I’d bathe four times a day if I could. I’d be like the Captain of the “B” Ark in Hitchhiker’s.
Anyhow, on Sunday Ice Prince and I got caught in the rain. When we got home, Fresh met us at the door. He took a look and me and said, “You should have a bath, that will warm you up.” I agreed.
As I lay in the tub, it suddenly occurred to me: is Fresh being particularly thoughtful or am I exuding some noxious scent that he is trying in a tactful way to rid me of?
I scrubbed behind my ears and between my toes extra well, just in case.
A poem, by Rumi - a poet I like (translated from Persian, I believe):
I swallowed some of the Beloved's sweet wine, and now I am ill. My body aches, my fever is high. They called in the Doctor and he said, drink this tea! Ok, time to drink this tea. Take these pills! Ok, time to take these pills. The Doctor said, get rid of the sweet wine of his lips! Ok, time to get rid of the doctor.
Donna Martin Graduates After two sick days at home, I am chock full of Beverley Hills 90210, The Nanny, Ellen Degeneres and Star Trek. And a movie called Lady Jane, with the delectable Cary Elwes.
I'm still under the weather, so here's your mission: Pitch me a sitcom, starring you and me. What's the premise? What's our theme music? Who's our kooky neighbour? Any guest stars? What happens in the pilot?
I only looked up because I heard the word “stud” Remember the bedazzler? Well, Fresh and I were watching tv last night and an ad came on for GeMagic. It’s the bedazzler for the 21st century! (Although I’m pretty sure they just slapped a sticker with a new logo on all the old bedazzler guns in a warehouse in Topeka.)
But wait, there's more! Not only do you get the Bedazzler (sorry Gemagic), you also get the rhinestones, studs, transfers and a special GeMagic Transfer Tool. Know what a special GeMagic Transfer Tool is? A PENCIL! See it in the picture? It’s even pre-sharpened. Unless I didn’t read the print and it says “Recommended usage mode pictured. GeMagic Transfer Tool may not be exactly as illustrated.” Or maybe for another $19.95 they will sell you the special GeMagic Transfer Tool Maintenance Policy®, whereby you may ship your transfer tool to Topeka to be honed by trained GeMagic Transfer Tool Technicians.
Rose Coloured Glasses I bought some new sunglasses – expensive for me: $9.99! Anyhow, they add a beautiful golden glow to everything, as if the sun is just rising or setting.
The TIFF is on (Toronto International Film Festival) and I’m right in the midst of the action at Bay and Bloor. Yesterday at lunch, I was going out and I ran into a free Barenaked Ladies concert on Bellair! I walked right up to the barrier and there they were. I don’t know how many songs they played, but the last one I heard was Brian Wilson. It made me so happy – I’ve never seen them live before! After that I tried to buy lunch somewhere and everywhere was packed. Pustateri’s was full of assistants at the deli counter. One had a giant dayplanner and a headpiece and was yelling into it; “No? Well, what DOES he eat then? How about Chicken Caesar?” Fresh saw Christopher Walken last month and last year Orlando Bloom watched Ice Prince have a temper tantrum. I‘ll let you know who I see this year.
Ice Prince is loving Grade One. Today is sunny and warm. My hair is perfect, my coffee is hot, the washer is fixed and my size 10 stuff is too big. Life is good.
Back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now.
Vacation was good. Pictures to come. But in a nutshell: wearing the cute shoes, eating, drinking, hiking, canoeing, dusting, ironing, buying all of the fresh basil in a 100 km radius. Hope everybody likes bruschetta!
Young Ice Prince started Grade One today. I wasn’t freaked out about Junior or Senior Kindergarten, but I’m totally bent out of shape about this. Don’t know why.
So I said to IP: "I'll miss you today!" He said: "Oh, Mommy. You don't have to worry about me. It'll be just like French Camp. Besides, you have lots of friends at work and I'll see you before long."
So I guess I’ll just have to trust him. He’ll be fine. I just hope he isn’t too bored.
One More Thing is Afoot before I Go Okay, okay. I have been sighing and pining for these shoes for two weeks now. Too pricey! Only one wedding!
Well, we got a second wedding invitation and these were further discounted today only so....voilà!
Sigh. Aren't they dreamy?
(My foot's a bit squished because I'm trying to take the photo before my boss comes by and wonders why I'm taking pictures of my feet. Although it's really an improvement on the day I was caught with my head in the scanner...)
Talk Amongst Yourselves. I'll Give You a Topic: Me. I'm going to be on vacation for about a week and a half. And let's be honest, all I've had time for lately is work and looking at myself in the mirror. Seriously, it's like looking at a whole different person.
Here are some before and after hair photos for you, taken less than a week apart:
Oh, by the way, we're going to have a BBQ in September and you're invited.
Ice Queen signing off and I'll see you in September.
Hair This Week, Gone Next Week Got my hair cut (photo to come). Can't find shoes for my sister-in-law's wedding (looking for strappy sandals or open toe heels in brown, pink or turquoise in size 6.5 - 7, let me know if you have any!)
Getting lots of work done today. Stuff I've been putting off. I've got a good cat story for you, but it'll have to wait. I'm being virtuous today so that I'll have a guilt-free vacation next week.
What I did while Ice Prince was away: Read a book. (The Girl With the Pearl Earring, if you must know) Spent hours at Value Village and Goodwill. (Bought another pair of jeans, a jean skirt, shirts, jean jacket, etc etc.) Ate in restaurants (Barrio and College Street Bar) Almost caught up with the laundry. Had coffee in a new local coffee house (Niche). Packaged up all my old clothes to give away (see below. I’m kind of superstitious that as soon as I give them all away, I’ll gain all the weight back.) Dyed my hair dark dark brown. Bought a dress for my sister-in-law’s wedding. (Kind of stretchy dark brown. Simple, but nice, comfy and reusable. And flattering, of course!) Got my nails done at a new place (Had TWO incidents with my former nail technician, who couldn’t seem to understand that I WORK and can’t just “come back in half an hour” at lunchtime) And Fresh and I practiced “Landslide” together.
And then…Ice Prince came back. Dirty, tanned and ready to rumble.
Vacation in two weeks. Wedding, two days with Fresh at an inn and then up to my parents’ trailer for a couple more days. I’ve got a Bill Bryson book to read while I’m away and it’s hard to have the willpower not to crack it open yet.
Tonight, our friend Rich and his boyfriend Craig are coming for dinner all the way from Philadelphia! Ice Queen Cuisine: It's Worth the Eight Hour Drive to East York!
Have you ever wondered whatever became of me? I’m living on the air in Cincinnati.
Oh, I know, it’s been a long time. You’ve missed my insightful ponderings – such as: if police haves bikes, why don’t firefighters? (Don’t worry, I figured out the answer to that one.)
Fresh and I were blessed with a miracle yesterday. My parents came and took Ice Prince up to the trailer until Saturday. Last night, the house was quiet, and I kept having that nagging feeling that I’d forgotten something – like when you think maybe you left the iron on.
So Fresh and I are going out for dinner Thursday and Friday, and tonight we are going for COFFEE AFTER DINNER. Seriously, you childless people have no idea. I don’t leave the house after bedtime. It’s like house arrest. In fact, maybe I’ll commit a crime, since I’m doing the time anyhow.
Things are going well at work. The blog, which originally got rejected is now going to be a reality and everyone is very excited. Now I have to hold a seminar on “How to Write for a Blog”. That’ll be fun.
How’s the diet going? Pretty good. My net loss and gain is about even, so I’m pleased. On Monday, they are coming to take away all my size 14 clothes, so if you want anything….
NEW Episode of Ice Queen Sings! Fresh and I bought elk medallions at an organic butcher. I wanted to make it last night, but Fresh wanted to wait. “Okay,” I thought, “On Friday, we’ll have elk.”
And then I began to sing. (If you don’t know the tune – shame!)
Friday, We’ll Have Elk
I don't care if Monday's goose Tuesday - boar and Wednesday moose Thursday we’ll have caribou But Friday, we’ll have elk
Monday you can eat a ham Tuesday, Wednesday – rack of lamb Thursday all that’s left is spam But Friday we’ll have elk
Saturday -- steak And Sunday maybe a clambake But Friday, never hesitate...
I don't care if Monday’s veal Tuesday, Wednesday – pickled eel Thursday, jello - well-congealed But Friday, we’ll have elk
Monday, you can have some bread Tuesday, Wednesday – garlic spread Or Thursday – in an oyster bed But Friday we’ll have elk
Saturday -- steak And Sunday maybe a clambake But Friday, never hesitate...
Making sweet potato fries It's a wonderful surprise To see my cakes and my souffle rise Or making caramel And just smiling at the smell And to taste as I baste Spinning round and round Always take a big bite It's such a gorgeous sight To see you eat in the middle of the night You can never get enough Enough of this stuff ‘cause Friday, we’ll have elk.
I don't care if Monday's goose Tuesday - boar and Wednesday moose Thursday we’ll have caribou But Friday, we’ll have elk
Monday you can eat a ham Tuesday, Wednesday – rack of lamb Thursday all that’s left is spam But Friday we’ll have elk
IQ: Congratulations on winning lunch with me! This is a great park. I brought a picnic. M: Looks great. I can’t believe you brought a tablecloth. IQ: Of course! M: Let’s see, there’s sundried tomatoes, and cheese, and salami and prociutto. IQ: And apple and pear. M: Are you still on a diet? IQ: Sort of maintenance my way. I try new things and see if they make me gain weight. Today: bread! waving a demi baguette IQ: Hey, what’s wrong? M: You’ll never guess who phoned me this weekend. IQ: Fat guy? M: No. IQ: SHARKEY?!** M: Yes. Of course he wants me back. He says he’s sorry about his behaviour, but that now he’s clean and sober. IQ: You’ve got to be kidding. Don’t do it. M: I’m not getting back with him. In fact if he comes around, he’d better watch out because these things are loaded. IQ: Your fingers? M: I’m lethal. Like a cat. Rrrwooor! IQ: Ooooookaaaaay….. Well, let’s eat. M: I got the weirdest message on my answering machine telling me that Edward Blake was taken to the hospital from his nursing home. I don’t know anyone by that name. IQ: Edward Blake has been dead for a century, I think. Didn’t he write “Tiger, tiger burning bright, in the forests of the night…” No, that was William Blake. Edward Blake was the second premier of Ontario... IQ: Maria? Hello? M: I was just thinking about Sharkey again. IQ: You’re going to give in. M: No way. I’m strong. IQ: You’ll take one look at his rippling dorsal fin and you’ll be a goner again. M: Sigh. You’re right. You’re so right. But his skin was amazing. Firm yet slippery. Kind of like… IQ: Sushi? M: No! Besides, what’s wrong with a little horizontal mambo between friends? IQ: I thought you were into flamenco. M: Mmmmm...his skin was kind of like this bocconcini..... IQ; I thought you were lactose intolerent. M: You think too much.
**Sharkey is a local bon vivant (read: unruly drunk) who has an on again/ off again affair going on with Maria.
Tour de Pants I'm wearing my pants today. If you are in the Greater Toronto Area, you may want to drop by and have a look.
They're okay, I guess. But I still prefer skirts. Yes, I'm wearing nylons under the pants. Natch!
The "Taking My Ball and Going Home" Award Goes to.... In other news, Fresh asked the guy who put in a piece of eavestrough to adjust it a bit, so the guy came over and took the whole piece away and then hung up when Fresh phoned to inquire why he just didn't adjust it. Some contractors are so sensitive!
The Apocalypse is Imminent I bought a pair of jeans yesterday. I also bought a pant suit. (it was an Emma James! For $24.99! I was forced, dear reader!)
In Other News On Saturday, we went to see Great Big Sea at the Molson Amphitheatre. Fantastic. However, I think a challenge was issued to Joey when Alan Doyle said “I do believe this is the largest group ever to dance to accordion music.”
Consider the gauntlet thrown.
I Am A Working Mom Hey, I'm don’t wear Mom jeans or fanny pack and I don't drive a mini van, or go to Chucky Cheese or cook with Lipton Onion Soup Mix. I am NOT Dionne Warwick and I am NOT part of the psychic moms network Unless you send a note home, I won’t know that tomorrow is Crazy Hat Day
I wear nylons, not track pants I have hobbies And some of them don’t include my son
I can’t make 24 nut-free treats with 8 hours notice And no, I wouldn’t dream of buying them Or making them from a mix I’d be happy to order a sushi tray
I have my own life. I could care less about my son’s bowel movements And even less about YOUR son’s I think it’s rude to drop your kids off at a birthday party And come back for them at the end. What’s with THAT?
I have no clue about The politics of Little League Soccer Or the secret password required for registration Which was apparently handed out at the most recent playdate Which I can’t attend Because it’s Wednesday afternoons.
To pick my kid up at day camp By 5:00 pm Or pay $1 for each minute over is insane And yet, I manage
My son is the one Who knows what a ramekin is And wants to play the accordion He hasn’t seen Spiderman Or Superman Or the Power Rangers But he thinks the Queer Eye theme music is good to dance to
EIGHT! (8) 1. Michael Ondaatje, In the Skin of a Lion 2. Susanna Moodie, Roughing It In the Bush 3. Jane Rule, Desert of the Heart 4. Robert Kroetsch, Badlands 5. Hugh McClennan, The Watch That Ends the Night 6. Farley Mowat, Never Cry Wolf 7. Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye 8. Margaret Laurence, The Fire-Dwellers
The winner is: Maria, who guessed 9. Congratulations! Where shall we lunch?
I had a great day. It felt like my mojo came back. Suddenly I had a head full of so many great ideas that I couldn’t write them all down. Naturally, the Ice Queen Joie de Vie has incubated a contest for you loyal readers who probably thought I had forsaken you.
I have now lost about 25 lbs. Today, cycling into work in my favourite denim skirt, I nearly experienced a wardrobe malfunction. It is waaaay too big. So here’s a contest:
How many Canadian works of fiction (okay, one’s not fiction, I guess) can I fit in the waistband of my skirt? It’s not a stretchy skirt.
The winner will receive lunch with ME! In the case of a tie, the winner must also correctly name as many of the authors and books as possible. Previous winners are eligible. Transportation to lunch spot not included. Void where prohibited.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 134? As of today, I have officially lost 20 lbs. I am very disappointed that bells didn’t go off and confetti and balloons didn’t fall from the ceiling when I stepped on the scale at the clinic. Shouldn’t that be mandatory? The receptionist didn’t even empty the contents of the three hole punch over my head – I would’ve settled for that.
So I’m about 2/3 of the way to my goal. I look great in a dress, but another 10 should have me looking nice in a bathing suit too. I hope. Well, good enough, anyway.
I am NOT doing the Pride Run this year, because I don’t feel like adjusting my diet for the training. Why mess with a good thing? Although if I find a pair of roller blades in my size at Goodwill between now and then, anything’s possible.
I thought I’d miss the wine the most, but I don’t. I miss pizza. Cheese, pesto, crust, oh!
The Letter R Via Lilly Here's how it works: if you wanna play too, let me know in the comments and I'll assign you a letter. Then you write about 10 words that start with that letter that are important to you and explain why. Restaurant Makeover – My favourite tv show. Rapini – Tasty veg. First thing I craved when I was pregnant. REM – Love “Daysleeper”. And sleeping. Rectlinear – Sounds dirty. Like “bum”! Redhead – At least ,for now… Retro – I love funky old fonts, 80s music and vintage clothing. Rivets – I was the riveter for my high school Auto Club’s race car. Robin in the Rain – The first song I remember learning. Ribald – C’mon who doesn’t love this? Radio – There’s still something to be said for the randomness of radio. Shuffle be damned!
A Meme to Get My Blogger Mojo Back in Gear Pillaged from Dantallion who took it from Dickey: Firsts, Nexts, and Lasts Nexts: 1. Next person you’ll kiss: Ice Prince 2. Next movie you want to see: The Susan Clarke Story: How She Lost 30lbs and Was Signed by the Food Network to Host Her Own Show. 3. Next person you want to sleep with: Fresh. Duh! 4. Next car you want to have: Green Mazda Miata with tan leather interior 5. Next time you’re going out: For our 15th wedding anniversary, June 29th 6. Next time you’re going to move: When I have to pee. 7. Next thing you’re going to save money for: New clothes. 8. Next time that you will drink alcohol: June 29th 9. Next person you are going to call: Probably check my voice mail at home. 10. Next place you’ll take vacation: Northern Northern Ontario to kayak and hike, last week of August 11. Next thing you are going to do after filling this survey?: Get back to work 12. Next thing you are going to eat: Melba toast and fat free Swiss cheese 13. Next time you plan to be drunk: Sigh. I don’t. Too many calories! 14. Next thing you are going to do outside: Bicycle home. 15. Next person you’d like to see fill this out: Crabby! Lasts: 1. Last kiss: Ice Prince when dropped off at daycare 2. Last person you hugged: Ditto 3. Last person you spoke to: My summer student 4. Last alcoholic beverage: Shared a glass of red wine with Fresh, May 6, 2006. 5. Last movie: A Jackie Chan movie from 1974. Funny! 6. Last person you thought of: Fresh 7. Last school you went to: University of Western Ontario for my Master’s in Library and Information Science (I dropped out two weeks in) 8. Last person you said I love you to: Ice Prince 9. Last run in with the law: A speeding ticket in 1988 10. Last fight you were in: With the Wexford Soccer Club 11. Last bar/club/concert/party you went to: Chisai Jackson at Bar Italia 12. Last person you e-mailed: My summer student 13. Last thing you ate: Half a grapefruit 14. Last thing you saved up money for: Sending Ice Prince to French Camp 15. Last song you sung: “Naked Tiger”, an original composition for IP’s bedtime, which sound vaguely like “Go Speed Racer”
Firsts: 1. First car: A 1974 Dodge Duster 2. First pet: A cat named Cathy 3. First word/phrase: Not a clue 4. First alcoholic beverage: Champagne at a wedding 5. First time you stayed out all night: first year university 6. First best friend: Allison Glass 7. First job: Cashier and stock duster at Becker’s in Glencoe 8. First school: I can’t remember. I was only there for three months or so. 9. First kiss: Shaun Hindley in front of the school office. (Wonder if he googles himself? And I don’t mean the euphemistically.) 10. First Tattoo: None. My body is a temple. (The Temple of Doom, that is.) 11. First car accident: Sideswiping our country mailbox with the 1974 Dodge Duster.
Still here. Still tongue-tied. Now don't get all excited to hear from me. I'm just checking in so that you don't think I'm dead.
Ever since I got back from Chicago I've been...empty. There were some bad experiences - like my presentation sucking eggs and my ear being clogged for the first three days. Now that I'm back, I've been on a diet since May 11th and lost 13lbs so far. Our basement flooded and we had to move all of my parents furniture and rip up half the rug. And then get the drain pipes replaced, which involved digging up our garden and some of the garden we share with our neighbours. And it's been insanely busy at work. And today I am home while we finally have our ductless air conditioning installed, for which I cleaned out the wrong two closets, so now the contents of all of the upstairs closets are heaped on our bed.
Oh yeah, and I got in a snark fight with Ice Prince's Soccer Club and he won't be going there. Surprised? Me neither. Maybe I'll sign him up for ROTC (the Righteous Outrageous Twirling Corps).
Things at work are good, though. Lots of interviews. Lots of impressing executives.
And yet...I still don't feel like typing anything in here. I'm sure it will come back eventually.
So hang in there and I'll be back. Smaller and better than ever.
I want to thank everyone for coming to Frankstock and helping to make it the success it was. I especially want to thank the many talented performers among you! Eva: Green Day's Time of Your Life sounded great -- you play a mean violin! And your tin whistle and recorder made the Mermaid shine! It was a joy to play those tunes with you, thank you very much! Joey: you rocked on that accordion! No one will ever equate the accordion with the Shmenge brothers after they heard you! Stacey: You're an impressive dancer and, combined with the drum, added quite the spice to the evening! And last but certainly not least, my beloved Susan who sang me a love song that included a pledge to let me watch "The National" whenever I want -- now that's true love! For everyone else who sang, including a rendition of Happy Birthday, or showed their enthusiasm, many thanks -- you made it a lot of fun. I'm also happy to say the evening raised over $1,000 for the Regent Park School of Music!
I'm actually a little sad it all came and went so fast but there's still "Soozapalooza" in just over two-and-a-half years! Time for me to start practicing but not before saying one more thank you -- you guys are great!
And here are two communications professionals enjoying a real deep dish pizza with me. It was voted best Chicago pizza by the New York Times and Washington Post. And on our way to the restaurant we saw PAT SAJAK!
And look, the subway is above ground. What’s with that?
And today I saw THIS. Seriously! I tried to chase them down and get a photo, but I was wearing high heels and they were faster for obvious reasons. And dorkier! I hope I catch one tomorrow.
Fun Fact Did you know that 86% of corporate communicators are named Stephanie?
Kinda Windy, I Guess So I'm here in Chicago at a big Communications conference. Yesterday I was exhausted because I had to get up at 4:30 am after Frankstock to get to the airport in time. Then I took the subway/train into downtown Chicago from O'Hare, which took 45 minutes. Then I walked from the station with my bags, got lost under some overpasses and finally found my hotel which is huge. I'll post some pictures soon.
Thanks to everyone who came to Frankstock. A special thanks to Eva (who had to learn new stuff) and Stacey and Joey for participating. I have to run now to eat danishes and network with professionals with southern drawls who think I'm rude or stupid because I can't hear what they're saying (my left ear is blocked and probably needs a doctor to fix it, but I'm in Chicago, so what to do?) And I have to write a presentation for our Chicago office on Friday about Career Development, but since I don't know any of them, maybe I'll make it one big standup routine of my funniest career bloopers. Like the flip flops, or running into the SVP on my way to a job interview when I had pneumonia and was supposed to be home. Yeah, I'm a real poster girl for successful career development.
Okay, enough! More later tonight when I'm procrastinating about the presentation.
Sticks, the inside of my mouth and poppyseeds, not in that order If I were designing a cell phone, it would have a mirror on the back, so I could check for errant poppyseeds.
Seriously: doesn't that make sense?
And don't forget fabulous Frankstock! Monday night! Yes, Maria and Stacey, we'll still sing. Trust me. We'll figure it out. Can you say "Bad?" You're hired! There will be accordions and drums and whistles and recorders and guitars and keyboards and more fun people than you can shake a stick at. Although the management strongly discourages stick-shaking. Unless that's a euphemism, in which case: shake that funky stick, white boy!
Man, I need a drink. It's been quite the week. Gotta go finish up my work 'cause I'll be in Chicago next week. Well, starting Tuesday. After Frankstock. I'll try to blog from there: I have a camera phone now too, so big fun. Did you know that you need the flash on to photograph inside your mouth? It's true!
WWIQW? (What Would Ice Queen Watch?) Tonight is ironing night. I need a movie to watch to distract me from the boring task at hand.
I finally saw Brokeback Mountain and was very underwhelmed.
I want something funny. My favourite movies would be: Wedding Singer Ladyhawke Meatballs/Caddyshack/Stripes Elf Office Space Sideways The Full Monty Amélie Shrek (the first 100 times I saw it)
The local variety store tends to have new releases. I liked Rent, but not as much as the play. Is Napolean Dynamite worth it? Or Anchorman? Or Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle?
Help me out. What should the Ice Queen watch?
In other news, Frankstock invitations have gone out. If you haven't got yours, e-mail me at screamforicequeenATgmailDOTcom. And don't forget to RSVP so we'll have enough food. It's going to be more fun than a barrel full of monkeys.
Public Service Announcement Welcome to Friday. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle until the day has come to a compete stop. Your blog visit is important to us. Please stay online. Your visit will be held in priority sequence.
Bienvenue au Friday. Vos enfants sont très beaux. Ils sont adoptes? Ça fait un peu boui-boui, mais il y a de la jolie moisissure. Est-ce difficile trouver une cravate plus odieuse que vous? Parle à mon cul, ma tête est malade.
Setting: The Icicle Fief Kitchen, 4:30 pm today. Cell phone rings. "Restricted number." Me: "Hello?" Them: "Hi, this is so and so calling from Air Miles, I was wondering-" Me: in full Ice Queen mode "I don't appreciate you calling me on my cell." Them: "Sorry, but you put this as your preferred number." Preferred number? What the--? Me: "Oh, God, I thought you were a telemarketer." Them: "Just calling about the communications position you applied for."
So I have a phone interview tomorrow.
Hey, I couldn't possibly screw up any more, could I? Could I?
I'm not quite, so I need a term for me. Actually, first I have to figure out the main characteristics of my genre. Anyone want to help out? What am I? A sidewardslys mobile lipstick heterosexual with a penchant for unusual used clothing?
Part of our continuing World Leaders the Ice Queen Wouldn’t Kick Out of Bed for Eating Crackers Series
Hamid Karzai. the current and first democratically elected President of Afghanistan. Cute, well-spoken, powerful and knows how to wear a fez and cape. What’s not to love? I mean, look at the guy on the far right. He looks ecstatic as he leans in close to breathe in his man-scent. Dreamy!
I read an article that said women liked Stephen Harper because he has kissable lips.