If today is your birthday (aka Don’t Get Thee To A Nunnery)

Even though you can pull off most anything that you put your mind to, be extra-attuned to your feelings about these undertakings. In other words: If you really want to be a writer, this is not the year to rededicate your efforts to house painting; if you really want to raise a family, this is not the year to rededicate yourself to the nunnery/monastery, et al. – Vogue Australia

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (December 31). You leap forward financially this year by doing exactly what you like. Friends find you divinely gregarious through January, but you also need a lot of time on your own. Solitude is creative. Family offers help in May, and you are wise to take them up on it! Travel is featured in July. You make sweet connections with Virgo and Libra people.– Washington Post

Happy Birthday: A meeting with your past will get you thinking about days gone by. Regrets are a waste of time; the only thing that counts is what you do in the present to make your future brighter. An opportunity will come your way that can make up for lost time or poor decisions. Keep an open eye and use your experience to get ahead. You are incredibly courageous, calculating and very cool. You are steady and can easily gain respect. You back down from nothing and no one. You are strong, determined and willful. – Eugenia Last

Huh.

I already opened my present from my parents. It’s so cool. It’s a….

Well, you’re just going to have to wait and see. Or you can guess. It starts with the letter “B” and is fun at parties.

Important Historical Landmarks That Happened on December 31st
Cartoonist Bill Watterson ends his "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
Queen Victoria chooses Ottawa as new capital of Canada
Opera "Pirates of Penzance" premieres in New York City (I desperately wanted to marry Kevin Kline as The Pirate King when I was a teenager)

Hubble announces existence of distant galaxies
Charles Darrow patents Monopoly
Beach Boys play their debut gig under that name
Skirmish at Englefield: Ethelred of Wessex beats Danish invasion army
Alabama becomes 1st state to license dental surgeons Really?

Kid Gleason replaces Pants Rowland as White Sox manager
1st transatlantic radio broadcast of a voice, Pittsburgh-Manchester
“Match Game" debuts on NBC with host Gene Rayburn
Jerry Garcia and Bob Weir played music together for the 1st time
1st supersonic airliner flown (Russian TU-144)
Paul McCartney files a lawsuit to dissolve Beatles
Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks join Fleetwood Mac

Amir Sheikh Jabir al-Ahmad al-Jabir Al Sabah becomes leader of Kuwait
Loveboat actress Jill Whelan (27) wed Brad St. John (33)

U.S.S.R.’s last day of existence
Barbra Striesand does her 1st live public concert in 20 years
Microsoft buys Hotmail E-mail service
Ice Queen born

Top 25 Songs from December 31, 1968, The Day I Was Born
1. I Heard It Through the Grapevine - Marvin Gaye
2. Wichita Lineman - Glen Campbell
3. Worst That Could Happen - The Brooklyn Bridge
4. For Once In My Life - Stevie Wonder
5. Abraham, Martin and John – Dion
6. Stormy - Classics IV featuring Dennis Yost
7. Love Child - Diana Ross & the Supremes
8. I'm Gonna Make You Love Me -Diana Ross & the Supremes & the Temptations
9. Touch Me - The Doors
10. Both Sides Now - Judy Collins
11. Chewy Chewy - The Ohio Express
12. Soulful Strut - Young-Holt Unlimited
13. Cloud Nine - The Temptations
14. I Love How You Love Me - Bobby Vinton
15. Hooked On a Feeling - B.J. Thomas
16. Cinnamon - Derek
17. A Ray of Hope - The Rascals
18. Who's Making Love - Johnnie Taylor
19. Those Were the Days - Mary Hopkin
20. Hey Jude - The Beatles
21. Son-of-a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
22. Lo Mucho Que Te Quiero - Rene & Rene
23. Everyday People - Sly & the Family Stone
24. Crimson and Clover - Tommy James & the Shondells
25 If I Can Dream - Elvis Presley

Chewy, chewy?

What Do These People Have in Common?
John Denver
Anthony Hopkins
Donna Summer
Val Kilmer
Ben Kingsley
Bebe Neuwirth
Burton Cummings
Henri Matisse

It's Almost Time!
Okay, maps have gone out for my birthday party. If you're coming and haven't gotten your map, do let me know. screamforicequeenATgmailDOTcom

It will be a small soiree with fine food and wine. Fit for a Queen!

Be there or be square.

Are you still here?

Go check if you're naughty or nice. As for me:

"Ice Queen
Nice, but with a few naughty marks. Neatness needs improvement. Behavior has been good sometimes, not so good other times. Manners could still use some attention. Was very nice last Monday."

The Queen’s Christmas Message
Christmas is an emotional time, good and bad. As I look back on Christmases past, they are bittersweet. Here are a few memories:

The Christmas Nana died the week before.
The same Christmas Nana died and Fresh and I nearly got into a car accident on black ice and missed hitting a truck by about two inches after doing a 360. Coincidence? I think not.
The Christmas Fresh called to wish his Dad Merry Christmas and found out he was in the hospital (he never got out).
The Christmas I had no money and put an heirloom silver dollar from my Grandfather in the collection plate.
The Christmas I had no money and decorated my tree with jewellery (it was 1989, jewellery was big and plastic).
The Christmas when I was a teenager and our furnace broke down and we huddled around the wood stove under my Nana’s fake fur coat drinking Bailey’s.
The many Christmases my family hung out in the kitchen singing Christmas carols.
The Christmas I started university in a co-ed residence and my grandparents bought me fuzzy pink sleepers with feet. (How they found them in a ladies size 14 I have no clue.)
The Christmas I discovered a Zellers price tag on the Barbie camper “Santa” had brought me.
The Christmas Mom told me that it was illegal for children 5 and under to eat mixed nuts. (I think she had visions of 4 year old me sucking back all the cashews.)
The Christmas I introduced Frank to my grandparents and he took a large tart that turned out to be mincemeat, which he hates, and graciously had to eat it to make a good impression.
The Christmas I got the Styx album that had the song “Babe” on it. (It was VERY important at the time.)
The Christmas my mom decorated gingerbread people to look like all the guests at dinner.
The Christmas Eve we brought home six million dollar cat, who was only 5 weeks old and could fit in the palm of my hand.
The Christmas I broke it to my parents that Fresh and I were moving in together (“Thank God!,,” said my mom, “After that build up, I thought you were going to say you were pregnant!”)

The Christmas I got fired for blogging? Not yet…so I’d better sign off. I’ll be blogging over the holidays, so check back often!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Joyeux Noël, Festive Winter Solstice, 8 Crazy Nights, etc.

Maps to La Fête de la Reine will be going out, maybe today, but certainly not later than December 27th, so check your e-mail! And it’s never too late to RSVP to screamforicequeenATgmailDOTcom.

This is Ice Queen signing off and heading off to stock up on nylons.

Phew
I don’t even know where to start.

I’ve just finished my last HUGE project for the year and I feel like a deflated balloon. In a good way.

This is going to be the best Christmas EVER. Ice Prince is so excited.

I’ve finished my Christmas shopping and everyone is getting stuff that I like.
We have a real tree.
I have made two tortières which are now in the freezer. (Huh, spell check wants to change tortières to “torturers or “terriers”.)
The house is kind of clean.

I had so many things to tell you – like finding Fresh’s Christmas gift at the Bay, but they refused to sell it to me. “We don’t carry
that.” “But it’s right here!” “Yes, but we have no trace of ever having it, so I can’t tell you how much it is.”

The setting sun is shining over my head and onto the screen – orangey and warm.

It’s going to be good. I can feel it.

Party Planning
Okay, first things first.

La Fete de La Reine. The people who have shown interest in coming are hemming and hawing because they have no place to go afterwards. So! I am now having a dinner party. 7 to midnight. (I'm turning 37. I can't stay up much past midnight.) The following people are coming:
Eva (if you have to go somewhere else I understand)
Maria
Boomer
Sister Staceypatrick
Father Patrick O'Stacey
Fresh's friend Martin who has no nickname, but we can think one up after a few drinks

The following people have not replied:
Crabby & Mr. Krabs - are you going to the Big House?
Mikael and Markus - pu-lease! You're practically like neighbours!
JB (I haven't met you technically, but I'm willing to let you come if Maria will vouch for you or you put down a security deposit)
Brett and Amber- seriously you're invited
Merv - you too
Clara and Jer - come on!
Lilly and Joe
Radmila and Clive
Benjamin - you probably don't read this anymore, I'll e-mail you
Chip - come home! All is forgiven!

Okay, That's all for now.

Please inform me of any food allergies. bring some good wine and don't pet the cats. Seriously. They look cute, but don't do it.

Maps will be e-mailed so ensure your VIP status by e-mailing screamforicequeenATgmailDOTcom.

More stories later. Business before pleasure!

Oh yeah, it's on December 31st.

No need for presents, although I do enjoy a good mix cd if you feel inspired.

Quick Update
Hi kids. I'll be back soon. I've been busy, but it's all good.

My new boss rocks. I've been super busy, but mainly doing stuff that's fun and challenging. Today is payday and bonus day, although a huge chunk of the bonus is going to pay $6 million cat's latest vet bills, which are in the (gulp) four figures. He's much better now and worth every penny. I'm glad we didn't have to make the decision to treat him based on money. If it happens again in the next 11 months, however, I may have to hold a fundraiser for him. "Don't You Know That Purrs Are Not Enough?"

And Dad took me to IKEA on Wednesday and I got two CD/Video shelves, two bath mats, two sets of candles and two cake pans. Why did I buy everything in twos? I only just noticed that.

We had planned to buy an IKEA Christmas tree (just one, not two), but there were none. The Canadian Tire next door was sold out. But we found a plethora at Loblaws. The Chosen One is waiting patiently in the backyard to be brought in and decorated on Sunday.

Okay, lots to do today, and then our annual office holiday party. I'm wearing my pool table dress and it looks gooo-ooood.

I'll be back with more Ice-Queen brand fun and frolic next week!

The Silly Season
I'm still here. And there are so many things I keep meaning to talk about. Like why they changed that commercial about the roast to take out the guy's fat ass and his squeal when he gets flowers. Were women complaining about the stereotype? Whatever.

Fresh is in full gear working on the election.

Ice Prince got his report card last night. Lots of stuff about needing to pay more attention, but my favourite comment was: "He likes to sing while walking around in the classroom." That's my boy. Life is a musical!

I'm just on the last legs of a bad cold and finishing a VERY busy time at work that involved designing an award, searching out angel wings and forging a real estate license. Seriously, I've got the most interesting job.

The Christmas cards are done and going in the mail today. Earliest ever, I think. AND they're handmade. Last year's were too, but they involved lots of glue and glitter and were a total pain in the butt, even though they looked pretty.

Okay, busy, busy. Have to go. More later!

And hey, if you want to come to La Fete de La Reine, e-mail me at screamforicequeen AT gmail DOT com so I can send you details. This means YOU too, Mr. Evil and Marky Mark. I do hope you'll be there.

Links You'll Love (Because I'm Busy, That's Why!)
He's cute, he's gay and he loves to cook.

Obviously of interest to my readers who fall into at least one of these categories, if not all three.

Photo Finish

Go check out the bellydancer cake I made for Sister Staceypatrick's birthday AND me wearing the pool table dress, which doesn't actually work on me because I am not "ahem" very flat.

Cocktail Party to celebrate La Fete de la Reine

New Year's Eve (yes, it's really my birthday)
4pm - 8pm (so all you popular people can still make it somewhere else)
My house, north of the Danforth

Please do come! This means YOU. Mark your calendar now, official invites to follow later.

I throw a mean shindig, not to be missed. And this time, nobody has to go to the emergency room. I hope.

Not Very Witty and Definitely Not Wise

The Santa Claus Parade was great. Ice Prince had a curbside seat. The parade rolled by. He was a bit bored, but well-behaved.

“As soon as the Burlington Band comes by, Santa’s next!” said the woman in front of me.

Out comes the Burlington band. This is a gigantic band. They were packed right to the curb.

“Pull your feet in, “ I told Ice Prince. He did.

Then he turns around, gives me an evil grin and sticks his leg back out, tripping a flautist, who luckily didn’t actually fall.

Santa was right behind.

Way to go, kid. The naughtiest thing you’ve done in your 5 years and you do it RIGHT IN FRONT OF SANTA.

Conversation with No Gestures Coffee
Boomer: …..there’s hair everywhere! By the way, I like Keira Knightly’s latest haircut. You should get that next.
IQ: I’ll spend another year dyeing it and then when it falls out I’ll chop all off, as usual. Your new fancy haircut from Jie is probably why you’re getting all these career development opportunities all of a sudden.
Boomer: It’s about time. So where were you Wednesday?
IQ: The doctor again for more tests. He says “35 is the magic age” when everything starts falling apart.
Boomer: I’m not even 35 yet! And yesterday I found a big hair growing out of the back of my ear.
IQ: Did you know that your ears and nose never stop growing?
Boomer: No. Way.
IQ: Way.
Boomer: How do you know these things?
IQ: I know lots of things. I think I read it somewhere. That’s why old men always have such big ears and noses.
Boomer: That’s all I need.

Proof!

Paris on $5.99 a day
In other news, the dress I bought at Goodwill on Saturday for $5.99 may be worth more than 100 times that! It is a classic example of Patrick Kelly, black gay fashion designer from Mississippi who died from AIDS at the age of 35 and was the first America admitted to Paris’ Chambre Syndicale de la Couture Parisienne organization. The Brooklyn Museum of Art just finished a retrospective on him. His button designs make him iconic. Similar dresses online sell for $400, but they don’t have the buttons. I managed to find a picture of my dress, and Sister Stacey took a picture of me wearing it last night…we’ll see if she posts it or send it to me. Yes, it’s a pool table dress. So, should I wear it with pride or sell it on ebay? I’ll probably wear it.



Something that sounds similar was just donated to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 2004!:
“Patrick Kelly, French; Dress; wool, plastic, synthetic, autumn/winter
1986–87; 2005.92; Gift of Elaine Blatt”

Intoducing....

The Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince

Now, all in one place!

Who could forget such time honoured favourites as "Filling the Pool" or "Negotiating for Cookies"?

Am I jumping on the Mommy Blog Bandwagon? Damn right! Show me the money! (There will be money, right?)

Prodigal Queen
Darlings I know that I've been ignoring you. I've been planning FOUR parties here at work and it's EXHAUSTING!

Sister Staceypatrick is having a birthday, I am continuing my quests to have every medical test known to (wo)man, a winners has opened up today not FIVE minutes away from my office and I don't get paid until tomorrow, and Ice Prince's "Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince" will be spinning off into its own blog. A real Mommy blog. Dooce, eat my dust. This is all somehow relating to my Wit and Wisdom postings that will be featured over at urbanmoms.ca in the near future. Details to follow.

And I've written up my application for Superstar Chef and I will be making "Screeched Bananas with Candied Pecans" on my demo tape.

What else? It snowed half and hour ago.

That's all. Go on. Nothing to see here. Back to your lives, citizens.

Oh, wait! Want to proofread my bio for urbanmoms.ca? Comments/additions welcome:
"The Ice Queen is a full-time communications professional in the financial services industry with an Honours B.A. in Writing Poetry. She enjoys cooking, entertaining, writing parody songs and picking oatmeal out of her hair. At her East York home, she has one husband, one 5 year old son, two cats and her mom and dad in the basement apartment. Her son, the Ice Prince, has asked for accordion lessons for his birthday. If you think that sounds like a sitcom waiting to happen – it is. Development deals welcomed."

Denied!
Didn't get that job after all.

What a waste of $9.99.

Maria's Nerdier Than Me

COMING SOON
Next Friday, I will be having a Conversational Gesture Lunch with longtime reader and lurker Boomer.

Watch for it on Monday November 21!

With Remembrance Day Coming, It's Important to Acknowledge the Sacrifices Made in the Name of Protecting Our Country

True quote from 7:30 am this morning, after searching and then asking Fresh:
"Sorry, Mom, but the M.inister of N.ational D.efense has your umbrella."

This year: NO EXCUSES.

I am entering to be Superstar Chef!

Then I’ll get my own tv show. And write cook books. And have a line of clothing. And a restaurant. And a winery.

Cool. What should I make? Deconstructionist Pumpkin Ravioli?

Better Red than Dead
Today is little red suit day. Man, I look gooo-oood! I look so good today, that I have been motivated to stay away from the ubiquitous mini candy bars here at work. I got a manicure at lunch that cost more than the suit did. ($13 vs. $9.99)

In home news, there may be an election and I may lose Fresh for a month or so. But let's get it over with.

That's all.

Did I mention that I look good today? If only my contacts were ready for pick up!

Looking for the Ice Queen Seal of Approval?
I’m officially a product tester!

I subscribe to a website called urban moms and when I signed up, I checked off that I’d be interested in being on their research board.

So a marketing company is going to send me free stuff to test their product (in this case, Splenda). Cool, eh? Cooking and giving my opinion, that’s the job for me!

Anyhow, here’s the swag I get:
* 2 bags of Splenda No-Calorie Sweetener
* Recipe booklets
* 25 full-value coupons
* 3 stainless steel bowls
* Measuring spoons
* Plus other helpful baking goodies!

In other news, I have a job interview tomorrow, but it’s just with the HR department to start with. First they pre-screen me, then they pre-interview me. What’s with that? MUST……NOT……MENTION…..FLIPFLOPS…

And I’m making fish cakes for dinner. Thought you should know.

NaNoWirBlo..or whetever the hell its sipposed to be
So, I came online to check the TTC schedule for tomorrow (dim sum with me mum) and forgot I was supposed to be drinking and blogging.

I've got a half bottle or so of Henry of Pelham 2004 Pinot Blanc, which is really not that great, but whatever, and I am at the keyboard. What to blog about?

Men tend to think drunk women talk about them. This used to be true, but not so much anymore. Now that we're married, we rarely dish. I think it's easier when you know that the boyfriend you're dishing about isn't permanent. With husbands, dish could get awkward. And also, I feel much less sense of drama as I get older. After nearly 15 years of marriage (true! I was a child bride), rough patches are less significant and fade pretty quickly. I also don't dish the positive stuff, because I don't like to brag. But let me tell you, I sure did appreciate when Fresh grew those sideburns last month. Rrrrowr!

Ahem, but I digress.

Do I miss the dish and the drama? Yeah, a little. Maybe we should have an Amnesty Dish Night when we can tell tales at will and swear that they will all be "forgotten" in the morning and ne'er referred to again, not even under the influence of a Mad Fish. Right now, kind readers, I can tell you it would all be good dish.

On another topic all together I bought a sexy little red business suit at Goodwill today for $9.99. It's French and it's a SIZE 10! (We will ignore the fact that a green size 12 suit I wanted was too small.) SIZE 10! My God, I can't afford the calories in this wine! Maybe I'll jump up and down while I drink and type. No, wait, not this bra. This is the type of bra that's all show and no support. Why am I wearing it? Dunno. Clean and looks good.

Fresh is out at a Philippino Transexual/Transvestite Fundraiser right now. I can't even imagine what that sort of news would do to the poor Richard fellow from blamblog this week (the neo-con). No, we're not in an open marriage, it's part of his job as the MP, when the MP is otherwise engaged. Pretty cool job, but tough. Only Fresh has the diplomacy to manage it so well.

That's another thing about dishing is that sometimes I don't think people realize what a great guy Fresh is. He is much more serious in public than he is in private. Or maybe I'm just a good influence. Anyhow, we balance each other out perfectly: I bring out the silly side of him and he prevents me from selling all my worldly goods on ebay and moving to Paraguay. No, I'm kidding. It wouldn't be Paraguay. It would be Spain. I'd own a kitten farm and write poems and grow vegetables.

Gosh, I never do a stream of consciousness posts. Are you having fun yet? Shall I continue?

Oh! Right! Why did I buy a sexy little red business suit? I have a job interview coming up with a similarly behemothy-like company. I have a good feeling about this one. I think it'll be this week. The HR-thingy left a message on my machine. I had the "prescreening" phone interview last week, so now they'll meet me in person.

Yes, my current job is fun. I spent last week coming up with bad puns and finding clip art of a pirate's ass. Seriously, I'm very good at what I do, I'm just not exactly sure what that is. I'm like a GOOD HR person. My mission is to inform, educate and amuse employees so that they don't feel like mushrooms, but like human beings. I'm a little ray of sunshine! Errr...except when you catch me scanning my head.

No, wait, Boomer claims people are afraid of me at work. I think that's only at the lower level. I'm great with execs. Well, I AM the Queen. I need to evoke a certain amount of fear and respect. What did Clara call me? Dire and.... (damn, can't remember. More wine!)

Next up, I want to meet Clara. And Brett owes me a date and time for a Conversational Gesture Brunch/Lunch. C'mon, man! I haven't seen you since, what, 1986?

Remember the old commenters here? I miss Chip. He was so clever! And Outlaw was a bit old-fashioned, but I always enjoy some good worship. (Cheeky monkey!) If there are any lurkers out there, do say hello.

I always find it amazing when I go to technorati.com and find out who links here. There's a porn site that links here. Seriously! Gay pron, I think. Why? Who knows? I've always had a large "friends of Dorothy" following, so if you got here from a porn link...errrr...sorry and welcome! I'm sure you know by now that we here at the Icicle Fief are socially liberal and fiscally unfortunate. Well, house-poor is what they call it. I have assets and they are guzzling gas and hydro like it's Chateau Lafite Rothchild 1978.

My, I am running on, aren't I? Okay, I'll finish this glass of wine and then go. Ooo..almost done. Okay, so any last questions? You...with the glasses and Roots sweatshirt. Speak up! No,I haven't written any poetry lately. No, that's a lie. I wrote a lovely poem about Lisa. You may read it on two drink minimum. I should probably ask her first....

Oh, how I miss writing poetry. That is one thing I am very good at. Most of the time. Do you think the behemoth would be interested in having a poet in residence? Doesn't Air Canada have an in-flight poet? Why not me? Me me me! Really, sometimes I think I could use a whole nother life to explore all the amazing things I'd like to do.

Wine's gone. I have to go hang up my $9.99 suit and go do some sit ups.

Thanks for listening to WriDruShotNo (yeah, whatever). So what did you think? More stream of consciousness writing or keep the cork in it?

Who Else Is In? Easy as Pie! Mmmmm......pie!
Oh dear. Eva has just told me about THIS.

Maybe I'll combine NaDruWriNa with WriAShoStoWe.

Okay, now I'm confused and I haven't been drinking.

Execept the pint at lunch.

Maria...I've Just Met a Girl Named Maria...And Suddenly That Name...Will Never Be The Same...Again!*
Just came back from lunch with Maria and Connie.

Although I don't want to ruin the Conversational Gesture Post Maria will be putting together, I can say that:
1. I don't think I got a word in edgewise.
2. I know more about Maria than her gynocologist and her priest put together.
3. I did not know you could buy condoms in bulk at Costco.

Her birthday should be quite the party.

*From the musical West Side Story, which reminds me of a hilarious SNL skit...

I‘ll miss taking my clothes off in public washrooms

Good stuff:
Payday
Coffee
Ice Prince choosing what he wants for Christmas – and I like it (though I may feel differently on Boxing Day)
Nylons & boots
Yellow leaves
Biking to work (short-lived though it will be)
Dim sum lunch with my mom on Sunday
Trimming my own bangs and not making a total muck of it
Conversational Gesture Lunch with Maria and Congee today – confirmed!

Bad stuff:
Just finished the coffee

The man has a point...how is he to know for sure?
Halloween, I had put on a platinum blonde bombshell wig and a white dress to look like Marilyn Monroe.

Fresh and I were having dinner on Monday after putting Ice Prince to bed. He finally says: "Did you do something to your hair or is that a wig?"

Fiction is stranger than truth

Harlequeen is back with a new chapter. Who is Clara? What is her secret and why is she back in town after all this time?

And the Real Clara® has written an Ode to me for winning a contest over on her blog. Enjoy responsibly.

Stay tuned for Harlequeen!
Spent the weekend in the hospital with Ice Prince who turns out had Parotitis, which is like the modern day mumps, only not infectitious.

Yadda-yadda. Won't bore you with the details, but I'm tired and he's fine now -- chock full o'antibiotics and back home wrecking (reeking) havoc.

So probably no bon homie today, but rest assured that new chapters are going up on Harlequeen in the next couple of days, and boy are they soapy!

Insert Klingons Circling Uranus Joke Here
Breaking News, but sorry, boys, he's taken.

I’ve got nothin’
I’ve spent all morning trying to come up with a WTF Day post, but I can’t.

I can’t pretend to be someone else. I’m too much enamoured of ME. And you are too. That’s why you’re here.

Instead, I decided to take part in HNT a day late, and just got caught by a colleague with my head in the scanner.

“Are you trying to scan your head?” she asked.
“Maybe, “ I said.

Strangely, that was the end of the conversation.

"If it's too hard, it's not worth doing."
Last year I attempted NaNoWriMo, in which you write a 50,000 story in one month.
I failed. But had fun.
That’s why THIS year, I’m hopping on the Defective Yeti bandwagon for:

“WriAShorStorWe
"The NaNoWriMo For Lazy People&trade!"
Yes kids, October 31-November 4 is the blogosphere's first annual Write A Short Story Week!
Here's how it works: ummm, you write a short story. In a week. The End.”

The goal is a total of 5,000 words.
I will be continuing with my Harlequeen Romance. When we last left the story, Dante had hired Stacey and Mikael had hired Clara, both for the same job. Oh, the hijinks that will ensue!

The site has blogger-run comments, which are suddenly attracting spam about dog clothing. I find the spam amusing and will probably leave it for now. (I dislike dogs, and dislike dogs in clothing even more.)

Good Cop/Bad Cop

WTF?!
Over at Mikevil’s site, there’s some rant (justified) over a blogger who was not who he pretended to be. No one was hurt, but it’s still an emotional shock.

Anyhow, in honour of this discovery, tomorrow will be “Write a Total Fiction (WTF) Day.” It’ll be fun. You can write fake stuff, or write as a totally different person. Post pictures of people and pretend you’ve slept with them! Make up pets! Land jobs you aren’t qualified for! I’m beginning to see the appeal already.

Go forth and be creative. And spread the word.

Seriously. WTF Day. Coming to a screen near you on Friday October 28th.

Bling Fit For a Queen
In happier news, Lilly sent me a gorgeous ring for sending her some logo mock-ups. And those were only my initial ideas! The ring isn’t on her site, so you can’t have your very own Icy Ring. It’s got copper wire and raisin and ice-green coloured beads. Hang on, I’ll scan it.



Thank you, Lilly! You prove that there are good bloggers out there.

Want to buy some fab bling? Go visit Lily Trinkets. Christmas is coming, as is abundantly clear by the little Sanata bouncing around my living room. Yes, Ice Prince is being Santa for Halloween. I made him a sleigh last night. Photos on Monday, maybe.

Trick or Treat
Icy, you may ask, it's the Halloween season. What fantastically creepy treat are you making for Ice Prince's class party?

See for yourself.

How Long Do You Think I Can Milk This One?
A Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince After School Special

So y’all know Ice Prince (aged 4 and 5/6ths) is a big Elf fan. He has also watched The Santa Clause and his daddy is practising Christmas carols on the guitar. This adds up to SANTA MANIA chez ice.

The scene: Ice Prince is refusing to eat his dinner – rotini in tomato sauce with no green things.
IP: It’s yucky! Mommy, can I ride in Santa’s sleigh?
IQ: No.
Fresh: Eat your dinner, it’s good.
IP: Is Santa coming tomorrow?
Fresh: No. Eat up or there’ll be no brownie for dessert. Mommy makes the best brownies.
IP: I DON’T LIKE IT!
IQ: Hey, remember that song in Elf that they sing at the end “Santa Claus is coming to Town”?
IP: Yeah! “You better watch out..”
IQ: Do you remember the part that goes “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been BAD or GOOD..”
IP: If you’re bad, you go on the naughty list.
IQ: Yep. So, tell me, do you think Santa would think not eating your dinner is naughty or nice?
Ice Prince’s eyes grow wide in horror.
IP: Nnnnnaughty?
IQ: Maybe. I can’t speak for Santa.
IP: Let’s put it in the composter.
IQ: Santa would know. “He sees you…” remember?
IP: The garbage?
IQ: No.
IP: The fridge! It’s really noisy! He won’t hear me do it.
IQ: You can’t scam Santa, kiddo.
IP: Can we leave it for Santa to eat?
IQ: You’re confusing your pasta with milk and cookies. Anyway, it’s bedtime. Tell you what. Maybe if you eat all your supper tomorrow maybe you’ll get back on the nice list.
IP: Mommy?
IQ: Yes?
IP: Do you have the phone number for the north pole?
IQ: No, why?
IP: I want to call to see if Santa has an eraser. To erase my name from the naughty list. We’ll call.
IQ: His number’s unlisted. But I’ll check the FAQs on his website tomorrow, okay?
IP: Okay. Mommy?
IQ: Yes?
IP: What are we having for dinner tomorrow?

I Can Feel It Coming in the Air Tonight...
Sick, as I figured. Home today and should be fine soon. After a day of sleeping. I blame Clara and Accordian Guy, both of whom I've never met.

Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic:

What was your favourite Ice Queen post and why? Do you like the songs and the Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince? What do you want to see more of?

I am the Queen, but I aim to please. If I feel like it.

Happy fall weekend. Go frolic in the leaves!

No more Will Ferrell for YOU, Young Man!
Ice Prince and I were sitting quietly yesterday.
IP: Mommy?
IQ: Yes sweetie?
IP: I want to tell you something in your ear.
I lean over.
IP: You don't smell like Mommy, you smell like beef and cheese!
IP dissolves in a fit of giggles.

Could be worse. Rob Schneider could be his new hero.

In the News

"Mary Kate Pulls Out of NYU" -- Toronto Star

I guess she heard withdrawal was one way to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

Wreck of an Ice Queen Who Feels Cold
(to the tune of Gordon Lightfoot’s Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald)

The legend lives on from the 401 down
Of the working mom they called the Ice Queen
She’d been riding her bike, which she’d started to like
When the skies of October turned gloomy
The drizzle was fine, and she still made good time
But the cold biting wind made her worried
“I must keep my thighs to a reasonable size
When the gales of November come early!”

She decided a gym could help her stay slim
Well, maybe not slim, but not wheezin’
As the big asses go, hers was bigger than most
(Not true, but sounds good, so I’m leavin’ it.)
So she called around to see what could be found
And the prices, they were less than pleasin’
She googled and heard one behaved like a turd
Pay up or your assets they’re freezin’

She found one nearby, thought she’d give it a try
So she dropped by to give it a gander
There were six feet of forms, and that’s hardly the norm
(Won’t name names, I’ll get sued for slander)
The décor it was morgue and the clientele Borg
They looked like they hadn’t smiled lately
When she choked at the price, they tried to play nice
“We’ll give you three weekdays for 80”

The Ice Queen was sad, and perhaps a bit mad
When the next day they asked “When you joining?”
The west winds they blew, in her heart Ice Queen knew
The weather would get more annoying
She remembered a place she had passed on her way
Many times without second thought
It didn’t look swank, and perhaps a bit rank
But the benefits outweighed the bad stuff

So she gave them a call (not so easy at all
If you know why the Ice Queen is named so
Talking to the unwashed makes her just want to toss
I suspect she will always remain so)
But she just bit her tongue so as to get the job done
And found it was not so distasteful
The location sure rocked – heck from home she could walk!
She would save TTC, not be wasteful

Suffice it to say, that in every small way
The new gym was better than believed
She sucked in her breath when she asked for the price
And then nearly laughed with relief
The price was so low (Ha! The same price you know
To rent just a locker at elsewhere!)
And the people were nice, even to our Miss Ice
So she signed up right then and there

So although Icy’s ass has had too much Wolf Blass
There’s hope for her yet, ere the wind blows
She’ll continue to shrink, at least that’s what she thinks
As she dreams of needing all new clothes
The legend lives on from the 401 down
Of the working mom they call Ice Queen
She’ll be hitting the weights and the treadmills and bikes
When the gales of November come early

Ice Queen Seeks Hobby
I’ve always wanted to have a cool hobby. Sister Staceypatrick has bellydancing, and wants me to join, but I can’t. It’s her thing. It would be like going bike riding with Lance Armstrong or doing improv with Robin Williams.

But I found something unique. Something no one else does that could be MINE! What do you think?

I was really only joking…but maybe it’s not so crazy after all. Well, okay, it is crazy. That’s what I like about it.

Ice Prince Reveals All

IQ: What is this?
IP: It's a house!
IQ: What's the purple thing?
IP: Oh, man, the grey thing fell off! That was supposed to be the door. So the purple thing will have to be the door now.
IQ: And the green stuff?
IP: Grass!

So the winner is congee who at least managed to guess the grass part. E-mail me at screamforicequeenATgmailDOTcom to arrange for your conversational gesture lunch!

Thanks for playing. And hey, if you want to join congee and I for lunch, e-mail me. But I'm not buying for everyone. Sheesh!

LAST CHANCE TO WIN!

Ice Prince has spoken.

So far, no one has the correct answer for the Name the Subject of the Objet D'Art Contest (see below for details.) I'll give you until noon today before I reveal the answer. And a lunch prize will be awarded anyway to whoever I deem to be closest.

Think outside the box.

Get it? Think outside the BOX? Man, I just crack myself up.)

I Drew You a Picture.

Another Ice Queen Contest

Ice Prince brought this objet d’art home with him last night.


First of all, I don’t like the idea of the school sending home garbage with my son. Second of all, I don’t like my son finding out that other Moms don’t love their kids enough to bake a cake from scratch. Really, education like that should be left up to the parents so that they can ascertain when their child is of the right age to accept such shocking news.

Anyhow, the contest is this:
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?

I will ask Ice Prince tonight. Whoever is closest to his answer wins a Conversational Gesture Lunch with the Ice Queen (transportation and alcohol not included).

Post your answers in the comments below for your chance to WIN!

(Note: I can't guarantee it's right-side up in this photo.)

Things Buddy says in the movie Elf that could be mistaken for things the Ice Prince would say

Buddy: I'm singing/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!
Gimbel's Manager: HEY! There's no singin' in the North Pole!
Buddy: Yes there is!
Gimbel's Manager: No there's not!
Buddy: We sing all the time!

Gimbel's Manager: Why are you smiling like that?
Buddy: I just like to smile, smiling's my favourite

Buddy: Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...

Walter: [whispering] I think we should call security.
Deb: [whispering] Good idea.
Buddy: [whispering] I like to whisper too!

Buddy: First we'll make snow angels for two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.

Buddy: [reading the note he left on the etch-a-sketch] "I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR."

Buddy: Good news! I saw a dog today!

”I Believe I Can Flyyyyy…I Believe I Can Touch the Skyyyyy….”


Go visit Eva to read her Conversational and Gesturing Post (Eva has a link to explain) about our lunch on Friday. Look! You finally get to see my new hairdo!

The weekend was too bloody busy by half. Thanksgiving dinner with the inlaws was fine. Standard turkey and fixings. But yesterday, My Aunt and Uncle were over for brunch and I made:
Pumpkin Soup with Indian spicing
Homemade focaccia
Baked goat cheese and weed salad with walnuts and a balsamic vinaigrette
Mushroom Asparagus Frittata
Deconstructionist Ravioli with Pumpkin and Marscapone filling and a sage beurre blanc (my own recipe)

It rocked. Oh, and I made Ice Prince pancakes.

Watched ELF with Will Ferrell last night (the movie had Will Ferrell in it, he wasn’t in our living room watching it). Did you see it? Ice Prince IS Buddy. The scene in the doctor’s office was vintage Ice Prince. The last third was a bit lame. But I generally liked it.

Time for more coffee!

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
One more thing before I skiff off early to St Lawrence Market.

I had lunch with Eva today downtown. Does anyone know what the first thing she said was? It's the first thing Maria said, and the first thing Mikeveil said upon meeting me.

"I can't believe you're actually wearing the tiara."

On my way to meet Eva, a guy in a store looked out at me and ribbetted. Took me a minute to get that, but when I did I laughed!

Eva will be posting a Conversational Post with Gesturing Pictures as part ofthe October Blamblog Challenge. Watch for it!

I gave Eva the Mix CD she won: Ice Picks 2005: the Eva Mix and she gave me one in return: Long Live The Queen! I suggested we do CD reviews of each, but hers is much more innovative than mine.

That's all. Can I go now?

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Tigger took advantage of the moment when everyone closed their eyes to say grace.

Mitzi has promised to check back and do more fortunes on Monday if anyone else is interested. Then she has to fly to Geneva on Tuesday to lecture on Wines That Go Well With The African Swallow (Unencumbered) at the Université de Chats Sages.

Mitzi Sees All!

In honour of Blogacatmas day, Mitzi the Cat With Halitosis® will read your fortune. (Note Mitzi is not MY cat, but has offered to help out on this special occasion.)

Sooo….pick a card from the deck. Any card. Don’t look at it, but concentrate…..concentrate. Now ask a question (in the comments) and Mitzi will reveal what your card was and how it sheds light on your question. (Sheds – get it? Love that cat humour.)

Who’s first?

Merry Catmas Eve Eve
According to Accordion Guy, Friday is Blogacatmas, whereby all bloggers must post cat pictures. The funnier, the better.

Go forth and prepare!

Dr. Tongue’s 3-D House of Horror
(the title's irrelevant, but I like it.)
I haven’t written much lately, I know.

I was up for a job I really wanted, but ultimately the President and I didn’t hit it off. (a) he didn’t smile at any of my jokes or witticisms and b) he made a comment about women not staying in the workforce for very long. So I’m here at the Behemoth still. I like it here, but I need a new challenge. Actually, what I need is praise and attention. Look at me! Look at me!

I wrote a bitchin’ speech for a Senior VP here and he loved it. He gave it last night, but I wasn’t there. But he did write me a thank you note this morning.

Thanksgiving the inlaws are coming for dinner, but they don’t like my fancy cooking. Sigh. I hate turkey. Maybe I’ll stuff it with something innovative. Actually, there is a Victorian recipe that involves…hang on…I’ll go find it.

Can’t find it. Anyhow, it was something like: a lark, stuffed in a pigeon, stuffed in a chicken, stuffed in a turkey. Wild, eh?

What else….Mom and Dad are moving back to our place for the winter next week and Mom will be picking Ice Prince up at school and doing daycare for the afternoon. No clue what we’ll do when they go back up north in May. Oh well. I’ll think about that later.

See? Dull, dull. That’s why I haven’t written.

Today I was invited to a luncheon with all the executives, but turns out I’m supposed to be shilling the corporate charity to convince the execs to give big. No one told me until AFTER I’d RSVP’d. Yeah, I’m so charming and convincing. Maybe the inviters don’t know me personally? Boomer stills speaks of the people here who are scared of me. Silly people.

BOO!

Oh, and I’ve been getting lots of hits on the site looking for Ice Queen Costume, as usual, so here you go:
Black Dress
Black Nylons
Black Medium Heels
Red long hair
Bottle of red wine
Wooden Spoon
Bicycle Helmet

Everyone will know exactly who you are. If you win any costume prizes for this, I get a cut.

Better, thanks.
Boomer took me for coffee.
The Food Network is free for the month of October.
And Fresh wrote me a song on Thursday night while I was out. It's so sweet! And it's NOT called "Bitch, Why Did You Leave Me At Home With The Kid While You Went Out Drinking With Your Girlfriends."

Ass-Clowns R Us
Having a crap day.

If my hair and nails weren't perfection personified, I'd be TOTALLY bummed out.

CONTEST!

For Girl's Night tonight, I have made Sister and crabby each a mix cd of some of my favourite songs. But don't feel left out! You can WIN a copy of Ice Picks 2005 by guessing what the 19 tracks on the CD are. Two points for naming the song and artist, one point for naming only the artist. You must list 19 choices to play.

No cash value.

Contest closes at 5pm Thursday September 29th.

GO!

A visual meme from Clara
Here are the directions:

Do a Google image search of the following and post the first (or favourite) picture result.

- The name of the town where you grew up
- The name of the town where you live now
- Your name
- Your Grandmother’s name (just pick one)
- Your favourite food
- Your favourite drink
- Your favourite song
- Your favourite smell

Here we go –

Town where I grew up:


Where I live now:


My name:


My Nana’s name:


My favourite food:


My favourite drink:


My favourite song:


My favourite smell:

Not much
This weekend I rented Garden State to watch during ironing. I generally liked it. Actually, my favourite parts were before Natalie Portman showed up.

Other movies I may want to see include:
Napoleon Dynamite
Saved
Schultze Plays the Blues

What do you recommend?

I also cleaned the house, went to a child’s birthday party at a “party centre”, made the best rare tuna with ginger shiitake cream sauce EVER, and

Well, that’s about it.

Tomorrow is the 40th birthday of one of Fresh’s oldest friends. We will be hosting an intimate soiree and I will be making my world famous chocolate cake, decorated to look like a tire. “1965 Goodyear”, it will say. We are having a friend over whom we have not seen since 1991 when we got married. We used in live in his basement briefly in January 1989 before Fresh and I got our own apartment. This is good, but the bad part is that I have to clean the whole house because new guests get "The Grand Tour". Wonder how much he's changed in 14 years... stay tuned.

Thursday is a long awaited Girl’s Night with Crabby and Sister Staceypatrick. I will be taking my bike so I can’t drink too much. Yeah. That’s the ticket. Yes, mom, I'll wear my helmet.

It’s really cool. Here at work (on the 17th floor) they just replaced a big window pane. Two guys had to stand on the ledge outside and position it with suction cups.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Board of Directors...
Writing a speech for an executive and planning a romantic dinner for this evening. (Longtime readers will remember Souterrain.)

Which do you think is getting my undivided attention?

If this van's a rockin'...

Ask The Ice Queen
Nothing to say today except bragging about fitting into my black leather skirt just in time for fall.

So ask me anything. I'll answer. Today YOU control the content.

An Assignment From Crabby
What four things are you most comfortable:
Wearing: Nylons. Seriously. As a whole outfit, it would be nylons and a black knee length short sleeved dress of stretchy material.
Eating: Mashed potatoes are the ultimate comfort food.
Saying: “Fine, be that way.” But everyone knows that. How about: “Yes, that would be lovely.” I’m VERY comfortable saying that.
Doing: I’m great in bed. I can sleep for hours at a time! With a nice blankie and clean crisp sheets and a breeze blowing in the window. After a nice hot bath.

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough and Doggone It, People Like Me!



I don't really have anything I feel like posting this week. And that's...okay.

The Social Event of the Season
I’ve decided I want to have a cocktail party for my birthday. However, my birthday is on New Year’s Eve. Hence the classic dilemma.

Would you come to my birthday party if I had it on New Year’s Eve? Would you RATHER come to my party than pay $150 a head for a noisemaker and cheap champagne in a plastic flute?

What if I had an early party (like 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm) and sent people on their merry ways to celebrate midnight elsewhere? Personally, I think midnight is overrated anyhow.

Just sounding people out. Tell me what you think.

(37. Yes, really. It’s okay. I don’t look a day over 35.)

The Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince (aged 4 and 3/4)
IP: Mommy, why did you bring Nana's hat home?
Me: I picked it up when I took my coat off of the hook. It was by accident.
IP looks at me blankly.
Me: It was just a mistake.
IP: Oh! You mean it was unintentional!
Me: Wha-?

The boy can't pronounce guitar (he says bitar), but he can use unintentional in a sentence.

I not only look cheap, I AM cheap.
I’m back. Took yesterday as a mental health day. I biked along Queen St. East and visited:
Goodwill on Coxwell, where I purchased a Marilyn Monroe wig for $4. I LOVE it! The crown is sooo 2003. The wig’s the thing.
Value Village on Queen where I refused to pay $30 for a perfect navy blue Bianca Nygard suit.
Cajun Corner where I bought Cajun Spice.
St. Lawrence Market where I bought lunch and squeezed an avocado.
Kensington Market, where I got Ice Prince an airplane cookie and a pair of Oshkosh jeans for $5
Goodwill on Bloor where I bought the gorgeous red dress I am wearing now for $5.99.

Rufus singing in French is the perfect bicycling soundtrack.

Had a stressful morning today, but thanks to Boomer and his team, all ended happily.

I'll be back.

Interviews: What Happened

Interview #1
Thinking I’m not entirely qualified for this, but interviewer (executive search firm guy) is charming. We laugh. I talk. I ask excellent questions. He promises to recommend me to his client.

The job sounds very challenging, but in a good way. I want it.

Interview #2
I am perfectly qualified for this job. After telling me what a difficult and political work environment it is and what a huge mound of work there is, the interviewer asks me TWO PAGES worth of behavioural interview questions, which I patiently answer. My answers only reinforce the fact that I am indeed perfect for this job.

She then begins to act distracted. Tells me that there are two more levels of interviews (giving no indication that I may make it to these). She then tells me that it’s more casual here than the Bank. I (the small talk queen - NOT!) say “Oh, I just came back from another bank location and they were wearing shorts and flip flops. Flip flops at work! Can you imagine?! Ugh!” I look down and she is wearing flip flips. This is the point where the elevator doors open for me to leave.

This Will Give You Serious Heebie-Jeebies

Stay with me and read to the end.

“The storm hit Breton Sound with the fury of a nuclear warhead, pushing a deadly storm surge into Lake Pontchartrain. The water crept to the top of the massive berm that holds back the lake and then spilled over. Nearly 80 percent of New Orleans lies below sea level—more than eight feet below in places—so the water poured in. A liquid brown wall washed over the brick ranch homes of Gentilly, over the clapboard houses of the Ninth Ward, over the white-columned porches of the Garden District, until it raced through the bars and strip joints on Bourbon Street like the pale rider of the Apocalypse. As it reached 25 feet (eight meters) over parts of the city, people climbed onto roofs to escape it.

Thousands drowned in the murky brew that was soon contaminated by sewage and industrial waste. Thousands more who survived the flood later perished from dehydration and disease as they waited to be rescued. It took two months to pump the city dry, and by then the Big Easy was buried under a blanket of putrid sediment, a million people were homeless, and 50,000 were dead. It was the worst natural disaster in the history of the United States.

When did this calamity happen? It hasn't—yet. But the doomsday scenario is not far-fetched.”

--National Geographic, October 2004

When it Rains It Pours
I have a job interview tomorrow and one on Friday. They're panting for it! The Friday one I only applied for two days ago.

Why?
1. I have been applying for jobs which I think I'm underqualified for, but apparently others beg to differ.
2. For both of these jobs I didn't include a cover letter. For the last two jobs I interviewed for I didn't include a cover letter. I hate writing cover letters and figured "What have I got to lose?" Apparently, this saucy* insouciance intrigues people.**
3. I re-added the "Acccomplishements" section to the top of my resume.

The nice part is that I get less nervous each time.

Must go to Goodwill and buy me an interview suit. It's cheaper to do that then get my dry cleaning done.

* Don't you love the word saucy?
**Don't try this at home. I am a professionally-trained stunt communicator.

7 Things I say Most Often
Feel free to add, change or disagree

1) Fine. Be that way.
2) Who’s a handsome boy? Who's a handsome cat? You are! Yes, you are!
3) I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.
4) Oh, man!
5) I'm sooooo bored!
6) Why not?
7) Sweetie (also includes sweetiepie and sweetiecat)

Good Stuff
Biked 24 kilometres. With Ice Prince. We went down into Taylor Creek Park. Saturday we did 12 K and he was a perfect angel. Monday we did 12 more and he had to stop every 2 minutes because “I’m itchy!” “I’m hungry!” “Look at the big jet plane!” “Why can’t I have pizza?” “Isn’t it time for our picnic yet?” “I’m itchy.”

I seem to have lost weight. My stomach is flatter, which is nice. But my clothes now fit weird. Must cut down on the upper body exercises or I’ll have to buy my shirts from brucebanner.com. No, don’t try going there. God only knows what that site really is.

Just had a meeting with the big boss. I do a big quarterly presentation for him, which before my manager would edit and take in and bring back full of red marks. Today, when I did it all myself? No red marks! I ROCK!

And my hair is lovely today. The colour has mellowed nicely

Lunch with Boomer and Lola. A diet bar seems crass, perhaps I’ll go get some California rolls.

Ice Prince started French Immersion Senior Kindergarten today. I feel old.

Inlaws came for dinner on Sunday. It was okay. No, really. Except the part where they gave Ice Prince a bag full of toys RIGHT AT BEDTIME. I picked a bad week to stop taking horse tranquilizers. Mind you…they’re probably low cal….

How was YOUR weekend?

Last Night’s Dinner Conversation or Ice Prince's First Birds and the Bees Question
Ice Prince: Mommy, did I used to be in your tummy?
Me: Yup.
IP: How did I get out?
Fresh and I looked at each other.
Me: Well, there’s this tunnel… and
IP: Did you have to change my diapers in there? In your tummy?
Me: No.
Fresh: You were naked.
IP: Where did the poo go?
Me: Well, any waste products would have come out your belly button.
IP looks at me aghast.
Me: But not anymore. Because it’s tied off, right?
IP: POO CAME OUT OF MY BELLY BUTTON?
Fresh: We do NOT talk about excrement at the dinner table!

Low on the Curb Appeal
We have a Buy and Sell Online Bulletin Board at work. It’s hilarious! You wouldn’t believe the crap people try to sell. It’s also good for gossip, when you see “never worn” wedding dresses and engagement rings. Anyhow, here are two pets that, sadly, will probably not find good home.

11 yr old Long Hair Jack Russell Terrier
Detailed Description Free to a good home. Good health. Shots up to date. Absolutely hates, and will bite, children. Will also bite other dogs and adults who try to make her do anything that she doesn't want to do. Best for a single adult or adults who are home enough to give her some attention. Will let her favorite person do almost anything but will bite anyone else who tries (i.e. to pick her up, etc).
Will be totally loving and devoted to her favorite adult. Does a few tricks.
Ed: Did we mention that he BITES?

Wonderful cat to a good home
Detailed Description I have to give up my wonderful cat to a good home as I am unable to care for him. He is a beautiful black and white long hair cat with such a personality! He would do amazing in a home without other cats or dogs as he craves attention. I will provide everything (pet bed, litter box, food, litter, feeder etc free!) If you can provide my baby with a good home give me a call:
Picture(s):stinkyathome.JPG 1371 (KB)
Ed: You might want to rename your graphics before posting them.

Meme Chose
Here's what Radmila had to say about me:

"1. You are a Poet who is very comfortable in front of a crowd.
2. Notting Hill or Penny Lane
3. Red Licorice
4. Kiss me
5. The crown. Forever the crown.
6. I would have to say a siamese cat. Quiet, sleek and watchful
7. What got you to start blogging?"

The reason I started blogging was that I was reading the Annex Gleaner and saw an ad placed by Brett. I e-mailed him to say hi and he told me he had a blog. I got hooked reading it.

At work, I would often e-mail my thoughts and jokes to Boomer. Or write poems and send them to Crabby and Sister StaceyP. Why not share them with the world?

Ice Queen is the name Fresh gave me. Icicle Fief is, of course, both a Fellini and Benigni reference. Did I spell that right? What-ever.

And that's how my blog came to be.

The Red Book: A Manifesto for the New Sue

It begins with the hair and goes from there.

So now I’m on a diet. No…really. No booze. So sad! And exercise. Yawn. Watch this space for Paypal contributions to my Christmas liposuction fund.

I will have a new job within 8 months.

I will keep the house neat and tidy and armadillo-free.

I will NOT dress like Stevie Nicks.

I will not be afraid to ask for what I want.

I will smile. Sometimes.

I will not leave all my clothes and books next to the bed.

I will learn to do something: like play an instrument or speak a language or pole dancing.

I will drink more water and more milk.

I will not throw out pans just because they're too dirty to contemplate scrubbing.

I will stop typing and get to work.

I will start……..wait for it……NOW!

All About YOU!
from Radmila
Leave me a comment and I will answer these for you.
Look back in the comments section for your answers…


1. I’ll respond with a random thought I have about you.
2. I’ll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I’ll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or so we think).
5. I’ll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog (if you have one, natch.)

IQ Employment and Dating Service Never Sleeps!
Job Opportunity for Mikevil, who could actually fill TWO of the openings. And I don't mean that in a dirty way.

Red Badge of Courage
If you've ever eaten a brownie or a boy scout has helped you adjust your tent pole, then this is the site for you. (found via allthingschristie.com)

Sneak Preview

Look ma, no split ends!

(Imagine, if you will, me at the Behemoth Bank with my head stuck in the scanner to obtain this picture for you. Now THAT's when a digital camera is needed.)

The Goldwell Plunge
It's been a couple of years but once again, the Ice Queen has blithely headed off for lunch and come back with a whole new 'do.

I will be meeting with Boomer at 3:20 pm for a lid viewing. Perhaps he will report back, if you ask him very sweetly.

As for pics...I took too long at lunch and didn't hit the photo booth on the way back. You'll have to wait for Monday.

Ice Queen’s Semi-Annual Ennuifest!
Brought to you by the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
You know what I’m in the mood for? A prank.

I think the desire first germinated in me when I received a brochure that tells us how to turn lights on our office building floor on and off according to zone. I has SO planned to do this until Boomer moved to the 3rd floor. Not as much fun without a co-conspirator.

I want something fun. Not mean-spirited. Not illegal. Like the time we Fed-Ex’ed the contents of my manager’s desk to his house the day he was due back from vacation.

In other news, you know what? I wish I was the best at something. (Something I can do in public, I mean.) I’m a good cook and I write some good poetry (when the spirit moves me). I like to sing, but don’t do it well. I like designing logos, but never have the opportunity anymore. I know a tiny bit of Spanish. I can write funny parody songs. If you’ve messed something up in a Microsoft program, I can probably fix it. And make it look prettier in the process.

I know how to spell this word and what it means:
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis

I know the best brands of nylons for sheerness vs. durability.

What else? Has the sum of my 36 years been these talents?

Nine Lives

After leaving dim sum, JustMark and Sister StaceyP were walking behind us talking about diet plans, while Mikevil and I were discussing what we would do if we had nine lives. (The discussion began when a guy sped through an intersection in front of us and I said: “Wouldn’t it be cool if you had nine lives and didn’t step out of the way just to teach him a lesson?”)

I’ve been thinking about Nine Lives. If we have Nine Lives, are you on your first (still green behind the ears) or your last (world-weary with recurring bouts of déjà vu)?

What would you do with Nine Lives? Here are my ideas:

1. A waitress in a small Midwestern US town. In Iowa, maybe.
2. A farm wife, feeding the animals and baking pies. I won a blue ribbon at the State Fair three years running!
3. Me
4. A stockbroker with a drug habit in New York.
5. An otter
6. A doctor in Alaska. (No wait…that’s Northern Exposure…well, I still want to do it.)
7. An astronomer who discovers something really cool.
8. A biologist in Australia studying the oldest single cell organisms on earth.
9. A monk in Tibet.

Which life would you prefer to meet me in and what would YOU be at the time?

Fall is coming and the wonders of nature change to brilliant colours
Okay, I’ve made the appointment here. And the plan right now it to pretty much get this cut and colour:


So by Friday, I should be a new woman.

I am curious...red.
I'm making a salon appointment. Should I get my hair dyed red?

Not sure why I want to...but I do.

Of course, inevitably I will be cursing this decision when the roots come in.

I've done my hair red at home, but never professionally.

MY SUMMER VACATION by the ICE QUEEN

Monday:
12:00 pm: Left house in rented car
12:10: “Are we there yet?” Ice Prince.
12:15 pm: “Are we there yet?”
12:17 pm: “This is taking sooooooooo long!”
3:30 ish: Arrive in Minden at parent’s trailer.

Tuesday:
Dad shows us how he has trained a chipmunk to ride o his outdoor train set. Pictures to follow.
Swimming with Ice Prince. Ice Prince fishes for the first time.
Dad’s 60th birthday.
My first s’more. Overrated.
Singing around the campfire with Fresh playing guitar.

Wednesday:
6:30 am: We leave Ice Prince with the ‘rents and head north east.
9:00 am: No place to eat in Bancroft, but a big sign for a Pancake House nearby.
9:30 am: No Pancake House.
9:45 am: No Pancake House
10:00 am: Pull into the Mississippi Inn where we have breakfast, finally. Very cute and old fashioned, with the metal chairs with cushy vinyl seats
10:30 am: Pancake House finally shows itself. Too bad, so sad!
10:45 am: Local station plays Anne Murray singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. We put in the first of three Rufus Wainwright CDs (supplied by Boomer).
11:05 am: In love with Rufus Wainwright.
2:00 pm: Arrive in Saint-Phillippe, 20 minutes south east of Montreal. We are staying in a Kamping Kabin at the KOA. It’s great.
3:00 pm: Showers, naps
7:00 pm: Dinner on the Richelieu river. Suddenly, about a dozen hot air balloons rose from the other side. It was the Festival de Montgolfieres. Who knew?

Thursday
Breakfast at Bec Sucré.
Puis, Fromageries et Vignobles. Pictures of me with a goat to come. No, seriously.

Friday:
Drove to the Eastern Townships to see more wineries. Then homewards.
Got lost on the outskirts of Montreal. Stopped in Ottawa to see Paul & Helena’s new house. Got caught in torrential rain between Renfrew and Bancroft. The car tires barely gripped the road. It was scary. But the scenery before it started to rain was beautiful. The highlands really are high. Again: who knew?

Saturday:
Assorted stuff back in Minden. Learned secret to best hamburgers ever.

Sunday:
Fresh voluntarily woke up at 6 am to go fishing with my father. Possibly the first sign of the Apocalypse.

Stopped in and bought fresh sweet corn and basil with a root bulb still attached. Had bruschetta for dinner. Cats alive and basement miraculously dry. Thank you Crabby for cat sitting and leaving us the note that made me smile.

FIN

Fixed!

I'm up baking my Dad a cake for his 60th birthday so it'll be fresh. Almond Cornmeal Cake, his favourite.

And I fixed the blog!

Boomer: I was think of Pete Doherty who's dated Kate Moss. In this link he has shorter hair.

That's all, citizens. Back to your lives.

I've Run Away To Join Cirque du Soleil
Okay, the whole blog is still screwed up but I DON'T CARE!

I am either swimming in a cool lake or singing along with a guitar beside the campfire or tasting cheeses and wines in Quebec or rubbing my legs together to keep warm in Montergeie.

Either way, the blog is the further thing from my mind.

I am at the buffet of life and I refuse to starve to death!

Maybe I'll be back on the 22nd, or maybe I won't.

Ha ha!

Corporate Perks (Yes, technically it's spelled perqs, I know, Crabby, but I like to spell them like that because I think they are meant to PERK YOU UP!)
My biggest excitement today was finding out that the tampon disposal thingy in the bathroom is motion activated. You wave your hand over a spot and it opens and lets out a POOF of fragance.

Yes, I abused it. I was sitting there doing ventriloquism with the tampon disposal unit.

You know, they really have a lot to say if you just listen to them.

Danish Food
with research from Wikipedia and other sites
Danes love good food. Good food is an important ingredient in the Danish concept of hygge. Hygge can be best translated as a "warm, fuzzy, comfortable feeling of well-being". A well-known quip states that the only time one is likely to find a Dane brandishing a knife, is when he has a fork in the other hand.
Denmark is famous for its pølsevogn (sausage wagons), where you can cheaply get a 12 inch long, thin (about the diameter of your index finger) red wiener. Mmmmm…mmmm!

Danes also enjoy Dyrlægens natmad (translated, Veterinarian's midnight snack). What do you think a veterinarian in a hurry might slap onto to piece of bread? Ick!

Danish liquorice contains large amounts of ammonium chloride and is probably the strongest kind of liquorice in the world. Some Danes love to share their liquorice with unsuspecting foreigners. This means YOU.

If a Dane invites you for dinner, arrive promptly. There are no pre-dinner drinks; you will be led straight to the dinner table. Cocktails are served AFTER dinner, and is it consider impolite to leave too early.

Danish humour
“Danish humour suffers from the handicap of the Danes' literal-mindedness ('Can you play the violin?' 'I don't know, I've never tried.'), and for their need to conform. In a country where all right-thinking people think the right things, no one is sufficiently different to laugh at.”

I did find one Danish joke:
Q: Why don't the Danes play hide and seek?
A: Nobody whats to look for them.

I KNEW I LIKED THOSE DANES
“The Danes love their Queen, yet at the same time are fiercely proud of their democratic society and their freedom.” How can you fault people who love me? Doesn’t everyone?

WE INTERRUPT DANISH DAY ALREADY IN PROGRESS TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL REPORT FROM CITY TV's WEBSITE


Ooooookaaaaaayyy......I'm beginning to see where the doubt might come from.

THE FUN WITH DANES® JUST NEVER ENDS!

Personality
“Danes are generally a reserved people, though they are often considered positively outgoing compared to their more distant northern cousins in Norway and Sweden. Danes are fun loving, as a trip through any town on a Friday night can attest, but hard working when there's something to be done. They are noted for their very 'civilized' nature. They are generally compassionate, articulate, and clean. Consequently, there is also a sense of arrogance and smugness sometimes associated with the Danes.” - Wikipedia

The Jante Law, which derives from a novel by a Danish author, is often said to perfectly express the Danish mindset. Others believe it unfairly represents them. Anyhow, here are the ten laws:
1. You shall not think that you are special.
2. You shall not think that you are of the same standing as us.
3. You shall not think that you are smarter than us.
4. Don't fancy yourself as being better than us.
5. You shall not think that you know more than us.
6. You shall not think that you are more important than us.
7. You shall not think that you are good at anything.
8. You shall not laugh at us.
9. You shall not think that anyone cares about you.
10. You shall not think that you can teach us anything


Oh my! I think I may have to reconsider my lunch date with Mikevil next week...

IQ'S FIRST ANNUAL DANISH DAY CONTINUES IN ALL ITS GLORY!

Great Danish Inventions!
The Danish have cutting edge technology in the field of Men’s Health. Check out:
This invention and this one.

I mean, really! I'm all for comfort, but what about the women?

Oh maybe THIS site is for women.

No, wrong definition of that word. Oh well.

IT'S DANISH DAY!

Am I Dane Or Am I Plain?

No. Clair Danes is cute and was great as Beth in Little Women, but she’s no Dane.


No. Danish pastries are not actually Danish. They originated in Austria.
Vienna to be precise.


Yes! Victor Borge was born in Denmark. Did you ever see his punctuation sketch? Hilarious! I saw him at Ontario Place in the 70s when I was wee.


Hans Christen Anderson was, but Danny Kaye wasn’t. Danny Kaye’s best movie ever was Court Jester. “The vessel with the pestle has the pellet that is poison but the flagon with the dragon has the brew that is true.”


Yes! Hamlet was Danish. I fell in love with Brent Carver (not Kenneth, pictured here) when I saw him as Hamlet when I was in high school. He is now going to be Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings musical and a confirmed friend of Dorothy. So is Rex Harrington. Sigh.


Uter is German, not Danish. Close, but no Flødetabletter.
Oh, relax kids. I’ve got a gut feeling Uter’s around here somewhere. After all, isn’t there a little Uter in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he’s in our stomachs right now! Wait, scratch that one.
-Principal Skinner, “Treehouse of Horror V”



Kierkegaard was indeed.
"Boredom is the root of all evil - the despairing refusal to be oneself."
Soren Kierkegaard


Ha ha! Great Danes originated in Germany!

The Queen is not amused...
...that she had such a craving yesterday that she had to buy and devour a downmarket cheese danish.

But it did taste awfully good anyhow.

What's New
1. Took Ice Prince in the big pool yesterday. The kid has no fear and immediately wanted to hold his breath and try to touch the bottom. This is both good and bad. Swimming Lessons are in order.
2. I have been identified as the "prime candidate" for a job here at the Behemoth. Much bureaucracy will ensue, with having to write and post the job, etc. There is a vague possibility that a better candidate could emerge, but the job is pretty much mine to lose. It's not the most exciting, but would probably be a smart move, in that I would be much more involved in strategy and decision making. Not a sideways move, maybe a diagonal move. Hmmm...let's see if I can get a counter offer, considering my boss has just left....
3. Later this week will be Danish Day, due to popular demand. Stay tuned.

ADDENDUM: I will gladly add any of your own nationalities to be featured here at The Fief by request. We aim to please! (As long as it amuses us.)

This Just In!
Is the IKEA catalogue more popular than the Bible?

I'm betting God couldn't have created the world in seven days if he had to use one of those little hexagonal keys.

The IKEA Game
I only got 4 out of 10. Give it a try!

The IKEA Game

Fifteen Minutes of Fame, Wasted!
Ah, yes. Nice photo of a happy IKEA user.


Mind you, I probably would have brushed my hair, but to each their own. Or washed it. Or maybe put on a bit of makeup. You know. Being printed in something with a probably print run of millions. Still…oh wait, it has something printed next to her!


Oh my. Well, you know what they say about the shoemaker’s children…

2006 Catalogue is now online. Frivolity may resume.
Just Like Mom Used to Make
Mmm...what smells so good? Hey, look what's cooking! It's...... What the hell IS that? And why is it being cooked in a pot called the SKANKA?

If I were a piece of IKEA furniture, I would be....
The Ektorp Sofa
Cosy comfort. Plush foam-filled seat cushions are hard to resist. Easy to match with your décor and washable so you can keep it fresh and clean for years to come. Can be converted into bed.

What would YOU be?

(Note: the scanner's on the fritz here which ruins half my plans for IKEA day. It may extend into next week to take full advantage of all the Swedsih goodness.)

If the Danes won't talk to us, we'll settle for the Swedes
Tomorrow is IKEA day in the Fief.

There will be various IKEA-related frivolity. Your homework: Decide what item from IKEA you would be and why. Feel free to include a photo or link to the item online.

The mothership:
www.ikea.ca

Link of the Day
Spamusement.

Somebody takes the subject lines from spam and makes very funny cartoons.

The April one called: I used to be embarassed, but not anymore is excellent.

Los Canciones!
Okay, I found out why I didn't understand 75% of Ice Prince's songs he was practising for Le Spectacle at French Camp.

There were Spanish.

They have a Spanish music teacher who plays guitar and looks eerily like someone in Gypsy Kings. They started off with Guantanamera. The kids had drums and maracas. IP had a maraca and was doing an improvised Cha Cha Cha solo in the middle of the floor. That's my boy!

They finished with Hot! Hot! Hot! It was a good show. Now I want to run away to Spain. Actually, I've always wanted to run away to Spain: sunshine, seafood, cats, sea, wine...ah! And I love Spanish. So much easier to speak than French.

I have cleaned the house from stem to gudgeon (I didn't even know we HAD a gudgeon). It feels good.

Oh, and on the way to my office building, a guy checked out my cleavage and then tripped on the pavement. I've still got it!

Ne pleurez pas pour moi, Argentina. Je suis ici avec vous...
I'm at home today. I took the day off to go to Ice Prince's French Language Concert Debut at 4 pm and to clean the house for Fresh coming home this weekend.

So far, I've watched About a Boy (better than I expected) and listened to the Evita soundtrack while hanging up clothes.

Boomer! How are you? Please e-mail me or comment, I'm worried! (But maybe we managed to get some good office gossip going since I was the fount of all Boomer status knowledge yesterday and knew your home phone number off by heart. Ha ha ha! Take THAT Lola!)

Untitled
Today is Day Ten without Fresh. (Those of you joining the program already in progress, Fresh is in Quebec for two weeks of French immersion.)

One thing I have learned while he's been gone is that he fills a place in my life that no one else can. No, not like that. Okay, look, I'll just start over.

No, I'm no good at being mushy. Let me just say that no amount of work kudos or Ice Prince kisses and hugs or glasses of wine with friends can replace what I have with Fresh.

That is all. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Oh, and the house is mysteriously cool this evening.

Livin la Vida Sola
A song for while Fresh is gone

She's into animation. Family Guy and Simpsons too
I feel a premonition that girl's gonna like Apu
She’s into oscillation, and I’m her biggest fan
She’s into rehydration, Diet Coke in a nice cold can

She has to take her clothes off, ‘cause the temperature’s insane
She can’t take the heat but likes the kitchen all the same
So hot she’s got a migraine!

[CHORUS:]
Eating from the pot, she's livin la vida sola
Watching chick flick schlock, livin la vida sola
Her hair is unwashed and her feet are the color mocha
Dishes all piled up, livin la vida sola Come On!
Livin la vida sola, Come on!
She's livin la vida sola.

Woke up in the basement, all sweaty and slippery
Got no car and got no money, hanging out at the library
She hasn’t cooked for days and lives off takeout rice
She may still be a queen, but where’s the freakin’ ice?
Mochaccino would be nice, yeah!

Sun's Coming Up I Feel Like Cakes On The Griddle

Gentle readers,

It is 33 degrees Celcius out there, feeling like 43. (Americans - that's 91.4 feeling like 109.4 with the humidex.)

Why am I grumpy? Why? Do you need to ask? Did I mention we don't have air conditioning at home?

(This morning Ice Prince whispered in my ear while I was sleeping :"We are having pancakes for breakfast...You are making me pancakes....." I didn't even know he knew about subliminal messages.)

The good news is that I'm writing a song. I'll post it tomorrow. And it's not about pancakes. Not even blueberry ones.

I want something else to get me through this semi-tone kind of life
Sorry I haven’t said much lately. I’ve been down and figure nobody needs to come to my pity party.

No big deal. Just no air conditioning, hot, bloated, shiny, broke (since I had to pay a locksmith to let me back into my house after Ice Prince put on the secret lock), bored, underappreciated, insomniac (which is very unusual for me), stir-crazy…

But you don’t need to hear all this. I’ll be back when I am ready to be silly again.

Meme Chose from Sister Stacey
10 years ago: I had an office with a door and a giant window. Oh, it was magnificent. Shortly thereafter, I was moved to a desk in the hall (seriously).

5 years ago: I was pregnant and very happy.

1 year ago: I was blissfully unaware that my basement was about to flood and cause me months worth of grief.

Yesterday: I was very unhappy for many reasons.

Today: Most of the reasons I was unhappy about yesterday magically cleared up.

Tomorrow: Apply for a new job, have a Girl’s Night with Sister and Crabby.

5 snacks I enjoy: pretzels, popcorn, whole wheat goldfish, apple slices, guacamole

5 bands/singers that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Beatles (duh!), The Wiggles, Barenaked Ladies, Billy Joel, Elton John

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: Travel, open a winery/restaurant, get liposuction, hire a nanny, get air conditioning

5 locations I'd like to run away to: Spain, Greece, Italy, Portugal, France

5 bad habits I have: leaving clothes beside the bed, leaving books beside the bed, not rinsing my coffee mug thoroughly, not returning phone calls, buying expensive nylons

5 things I like doing: Cooking for friends and family, reading, being the centre of attention, putting on a special event, dressing to kill

5 things I would never wear: track pants, jodhpurs, kitten heels, corduroy pants, a holiday themed cardigan

5 TV shows I like: Hell’s Kitchen, The Office, The Daily Show, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Martha Stewart Living

5 movies I like: LadyHawke, The Wedding Singer, Desperado, Stripes, Office Space

5 famous people I'd like to meet: Ron Sexsmith and Rufus Wainwright (to invite them to sing at my 40th Birthday), Colin Mochrie, Bill Clinton (to find out if he really is that charismatic), and Christopher Walken

5 biggest joys at the moment: Diet Cola, air conditioning at work, having hair long enough to tie back or put up, my nice new clean desk with a view of the lake if I stretch my neck up and there’s no smog warning, e-mails from Fresh

5 favorite toys: MP3 player, laptop, rice steamer, food processor, standing mixer

That Not So Fresh Feeling
I've been a little stressed and crabby lately, what with:
1. Fresh being up in Quebec for two weeks of French immersion.
2. Heat. Bloody incessant heat!
3. Overwhelming desire to dye my hair, usually brought on by Fresh's absence and/or existential crisis. We shall overcome!
4. Plotting to either take over boss's job (it's okay, boss is leaving anyway) or forge new career in HR. Yes, I generally don't like HR people. They never seem to do any work, and seem to get paid too much and have lots of executive access and first dibs on the juiciest gossip....hey, it actually sounds kind of appealing!
5. Blueberries on sale for $1.77 a pint. Must make more muffins....
6. Complaining everywhere! Besides almost killing the woman at work, people complained about my homemade putting green (you try making something out of two feet of astro turf, 5 coffee cups and some green and white file folders. I'm brilliant, people, don't you see!), the kiwi on the fruit trays at my office picnic (not ripe!), the beer nuts (stuck together due to the humidity), the nut trays (you don't expect us to use our hands? Yes! Don't you wash yours? I do.), and of course a few snipes at why I had time to plan so many office parties. Do I do any work? Piss off!
7. Too hot for nylons. I just don't feel together without my nylons.
8. Tired of writing this list.

Going to check my muffins and drink another Diet Coke. So....hot.....

Overreacting? I think not.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS SACRED IN THIS WORLD.....NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sweaty and unappreciated.
Crazy week. Not sure how to describe, expect to say, have you ever seen Working Girl? I am Tess serving dim sum and I DON'T LIKE IT.

Well, I sort of do. But I get no respect. Dammit, why can't executives put together a bitchin' picnic and mini-putt party? Why does it demean my authority?

Sigh. No more Miss Nice Queen. Hello 100% Ice Queen.

Yes, Let’s Just Insult the Interviewer. That’ll Work.
So. The interview for the comedy writing job. We’ll call the guy Alex.

Reception buzzes the guy to let him know I’m there. About five minutes later, a guy shuffles out, looks around in a distracted sort of way, then stares at me silently.

“Uh, hi.” I said.
He stared, emotionless.
“Are you Alex?”
He nodded. So I got up and introduced myself.

We went into the meeting room. He explained they are looking for a writer for a morning show on a retro-ish station based in St Catharines. He played me a clip from the show. It wasn’t funny. In fact, I felt there were some basic problems with why it didn’t work. I told him so. He looked offended: “I thought it was funny.” and asked how I’d fix it. Nothing came to mind.

He didn’t speak much and when I asked questions, he answered them, but as if he couldn’t understand why I was asking. I got the sense that he either didn’t like me, or was on drugs.

Anyhow, not sure what will happen. He did agree that perhaps I could do an assignment or two to see how I’d do. But all very vague. I just wish he’d smiled or something! My attempts to be charming were met with blank stares.

This morning I e-mailed him a short bit that I thought would have improved the clip he played for me. Pretty clever writing, I thought. I’ll either insult him further or prove my point. We shall see. At least I showed some initiative. I have an adrenaline headache.

Puerile and Tasteless: Because You Like It Like That!
Anyone see the Karla interview last night? Seems she's jonesing for an ice capuccino from Timmy's.

Have you ever heard the expression 'No such thing as bad PR?" I wonder...their new slogan?

Tim Horton's: We Make a Killer Iced Capuccino!

It's Good to Be Queen
Remember I sent in my Greatest Hits link to an ad for a comedy writer? Well! The director wants to meet with me. "I read your lyrics. Funny." he said.

Someone who might be willing to PAY me for writing my goofy songs? It's a dream come true! But can I do it freelance?

Anyway, still thrilled to have a real award winning comedy guy (he directed 50 episodes of This Hour) find my stuff funny.

Need coffee but can't fit my inflated ego through the door. All the stuff that hit the fan in my absence here at my real job should deflate me within 30 minutes.

But still!

(Oh yeah, and some dull job here I sent a resume in for, like, two months ago wants to see me. Later this month. Gee...which do I prefer....communicating computer requirements or writing song parodies?)