Wreck of an Ice Queen Who Feels Cold
(to the tune of Gordon Lightfoot’s Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald)

The legend lives on from the 401 down
Of the working mom they called the Ice Queen
She’d been riding her bike, which she’d started to like
When the skies of October turned gloomy
The drizzle was fine, and she still made good time
But the cold biting wind made her worried
“I must keep my thighs to a reasonable size
When the gales of November come early!”

She decided a gym could help her stay slim
Well, maybe not slim, but not wheezin’
As the big asses go, hers was bigger than most
(Not true, but sounds good, so I’m leavin’ it.)
So she called around to see what could be found
And the prices, they were less than pleasin’
She googled and heard one behaved like a turd
Pay up or your assets they’re freezin’

She found one nearby, thought she’d give it a try
So she dropped by to give it a gander
There were six feet of forms, and that’s hardly the norm
(Won’t name names, I’ll get sued for slander)
The décor it was morgue and the clientele Borg
They looked like they hadn’t smiled lately
When she choked at the price, they tried to play nice
“We’ll give you three weekdays for 80”

The Ice Queen was sad, and perhaps a bit mad
When the next day they asked “When you joining?”
The west winds they blew, in her heart Ice Queen knew
The weather would get more annoying
She remembered a place she had passed on her way
Many times without second thought
It didn’t look swank, and perhaps a bit rank
But the benefits outweighed the bad stuff

So she gave them a call (not so easy at all
If you know why the Ice Queen is named so
Talking to the unwashed makes her just want to toss
I suspect she will always remain so)
But she just bit her tongue so as to get the job done
And found it was not so distasteful
The location sure rocked – heck from home she could walk!
She would save TTC, not be wasteful

Suffice it to say, that in every small way
The new gym was better than believed
She sucked in her breath when she asked for the price
And then nearly laughed with relief
The price was so low (Ha! The same price you know
To rent just a locker at elsewhere!)
And the people were nice, even to our Miss Ice
So she signed up right then and there

So although Icy’s ass has had too much Wolf Blass
There’s hope for her yet, ere the wind blows
She’ll continue to shrink, at least that’s what she thinks
As she dreams of needing all new clothes
The legend lives on from the 401 down
Of the working mom they call Ice Queen
She’ll be hitting the weights and the treadmills and bikes
When the gales of November come early