Blame It On The Pocky
So Fresh has been working crazy crazy hours since his promotion. He gets home around 9 at night and leaves before I do in the morning. Haven’t seen much of him or had a chance to talk.

Yesterday he opens up the cupboard and finds a Berlitz CD I got from the library.

“You’re learning Japanese? Since when?”

I wonder if he thinks I’m having an affair with someone Japanese? Buwahahahahahaha!

P.S. To Crabby: I promise to leave David Suzuki alone. He’d probably just bitch to me about the fact that green wine bottles (which most red comes in) are not technically recyclable.

Look at me! Look at me!
Fine. If no one likes my crude humour, I’ll go back to discussing soup.

No, Instead, I think I’ll post a picture of myself naked. That oughta get some discussion going.

Oh My!
It seems that CBS has discovered that Janet Jackson had plans to reveal more naughty bits than she did.

Five Things That Taste Good on Salads
Nice cheese (stilton, goat, paramesan)
Roasted pears
Nuts (esp pecans and walnuts)
Mango
Avocado

Five Things That Do Not Belong On Salad
Mandarin Oranges
Liquid Paper
Jolly Ranchers
Dental Floss
Pudding

My Favourite Soups
1. Italian Wedding Soup
2. Chicken Coconut Soup with lots of mushrooms
3. Real wild mushroom soup
4. Tom Yum Soup
5. Carrot, the way my Nana made it with whipping cream
6. Real chowder

"Baby. It's 3am I must be psycho...."
Hey, remember I said at least this wasn't the antibiotic that makes me psycotic?

Well, guess what. It is.

Just woke up in a total panic about not having put the mortgage money in my account in time. Ran downstairs, desperate to try to get the money in the account. Turned on the computer to transfer some money, pulled on my sneakers to go despoit some cash.

And realized that it's not due to come out until tomorrow.

Oh boy. I can't wait to go to work and see what drugged up Ice Queen can manage to accomplish there. Especially with that old Performance Review thing.

Never a dull moment!

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
At home sick. Dr. Hibbert says I have a floppy and infected uvula (that's the hanging thing at the back of your throat, you dirty-minded dyslexics). It feels gross, like I'm choking, and is excruciatingly painful.

"Hee hee hee! What am I going to do with you? Here, try these antibiotics. If you're not better in 24 hours, call me immediately, you'll need a shot."

Or maybe he said I'll need to BE shot. I really must listen more carefully.

Naturally, my anibiotics have side effects which are icky and you don't need to know, but it's better than the ones that made me psychotic, running around the house in a panic, thinking we'd lost the Ice Prince. (that was last year)

I'm supposed to be working on my I-PEP (my fellow employees know of which I speak), but I find it's hard to write when I'm not in a good self-esteem mode. Now I feel like I may be sliding back into 6 months of illness like last year at this very time. (new readers: I was on STD --not HAD an STD-- for about 3 months last winter. A couple of bouts of pneumonia.) I'm so worried it will happen again.

Sorry I'm not more amusing today. But if anyone wants to say anthing to boost my self-esteem, it would help greatly in inspiring me to write my performance appraisal. Yes, we write our own. "I invented the Internet. I devised a way to turn used toner cartridges into fossil fuels. I donated my gold fillings to the employee incentive program. I am love." Sigh.

Blitzed on Wolf Blass?

Beware. This could happen to you.

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em
Pocky, that is.



View more fine photos like this over at Mikevil's. It's worth the drive to Acton!

But all in good taste, of course
I managed to make it home from Bankers Gone Wild night with all my clothes, which was a nice change of pace. Now that I'm awake (and mercifully not hungover by some miracle), I'm concerned about certain pictures - volumes of pictures that were taken. I'm sure JustMark (whom I adore, incidentally. You may keep him.) will post them toute suite when he and Mr. Evil get back from Gaelic class. If they ever made it there. (I don't understand people who are shy about having their photo taken. Silly rabbits!)

Too much fun! Thank you Mikevil, JustMark, Sister Stacey Patrick and Boomer for a night to remember. If I only could.....

Hootchie Mama Update
This morning, she was wearing jeans and a not so slutty top, but she was wearing bright pink metallic simulated (of course) lizard skin stilettos.

As soon as I get a digital camera, I’ll stop seeing stuff like this.

Idol Thoughts
Watching Canadian Idol. A guilty pleasure, because Fresh would not approve. Not edifying enough. But he's working late.

1. Jacob ruled.

2. But what the hell was he doing and why did Ben push him away? Ah, if only they had kissed, like Crabby had hoped!

3. Ryan Malcolm's song was fabulous -- but he did a crappy job of singing it. If only Jacob had sung it, it would have ROCKED.

4. Kalan's singing is good quality, but he is a freaky pretty boy zombie with no personality. Fruit Cocktail summed it up when she compared his winsome sidways glances to Princess Di.

5. Theresa is a darling. Talented, humbled, pretty but not in your face. The perfect Canadian.

6. A cowboy hat on Kalan? But shit, he does sing well.


Okay, you're on Canadian Idol. Choose a song to sing by:
Gordon Lightfoot
Lionel Richie
Elton John
Billy Joel
Stevie Wonder
Kenny Loggins

I choose:
GL: Sundown
LR: Truly
EJ: Skyline Pigeon
BJ: Captain Jack
SW: Overjoyed
KL: House at Pooh Corner (cheating, since this technically includes Messina), so by himself: Forever

Aw, man. Now I want to do karaoke tomorrow night......I'm a bad singer, but I do it with great enthusiasm.

Now, back to the show.....

Late addition: Well, yes, Kalan won. I admit grudgingly that he did do an excellent job. But smiling and showing a little enthusiasm wouldn't have hurt. Maybe he's on drugs.

For Chip

Here's the sleeve of the shirt I'm wearing today.



And I say it's perfectly appropriate attire for a banker. I can get away with it because I'm considered the "creative" one. Eccentricity is just one part of my skill set.

We Queens Have To Stick Together
So after a horrible haircut experience with Ice Prince on Saturday, we sat down and I found a Virgin Mary medal under the bench. I put it in my purse.

Today, I looked in my purse and found it. It’s on a thin blue cord. So I decided to wear it, thinking that I could use a little inspiration from another mother who surely must have had some problems with her son growing up. “Honey, please don’t change your juice into wine.” “Sweetie pie, that’s the lamb we’re having for dinner, please don’t heal it.”

Anyhow, there’s an inscription on it, which I just looked up on the Internet. It says:
“Regina sine labe originali concepta”
which translates as
“Queen conceived without original sin”

How likely is it that I of all people would find this?

Ringo, the Artist Formerly Known as Ice Prince
(not exactly as pictured)

So I took Ice Prince in today and tried to make an appointment with the teacher. She says “No need. I just wanted you to be aware of the problem. We’ll work on it. It’ll take some time. I just hoped you could reinforce some things at home – like asking him to sit quietly on the carpet.”

Oh. Well, that was simple enough. And what, you may ask, were his transgressions?

“Well, one example is when he was drumming during storytime.”

Hootchie Mama
When dropping off Ringo today, I saw Hootchie Mama coming out from dropping her kid off.. She is about 20 years old, was wearing hot pink stilettos, a teeny pink tank top with her bra straps and tattoo showing, and a micro mini skirt that showed her panties (surprisingly not pink) when she sat down on the bus.

She got on the subway with me, but it was so crowded, I didn’t see where she got off.

What kind of job has that kind of uniform at 9 am? The heels certainly didn’t look comfy.

And what if I somehow become friends with Hootchie Mama? And then she starts reading my blog and finds out I call her Hootchie Mama?

She’s probably typing in her own blog right now about the freaky girl in the retro jazz singers shirt. Wonder what she’ll name me?

B-b-b-b-b-b-bad to the Bone
Is it possible to expel a Junior Kindergartener? Stay tuned and find out. The teacher has sent a message through my daycare provider that Ice Prince has some behaviour problems and she needs to speak to me. Polite, eh? I guess my phone numbers weren't on any of the 10 forms I filled out last week. Who knew?

And then, my daycare provider told me that she and her husband can no longer drop IP off at school in the mornings because the other kid they took to school with IP is leaving and her husband got his shift changed around.

So, in a nutshell:
1. Kid may be expelled. Need to find new school? Miltary school? Private school? Home school? What?
2. Daycare won't drop him off, which means Fresh or I have to, which means big headaches around work, because our jobs do not exactly start at 9:30ish.
3. Kid may be bad seed and end up in correctional institute for junior offenders, thus solving both problems. Honey, if you have to commit a crime, how about something that would be revenue generating for your dear old mum, eh? There's a good boy.

Bloody, bloody, bloody.

One Of Life’s Great Mysteries…Like How They Get the Caramel in the Caramilk Bar
Everyone is posting mush stuff.
Crabby written something nice about Mr. Crabby
The Mister has written something nice about Radmila
And Mikevil and JustMark are just disgusting adorable in love all the time.
(Go to the links section, I’m busy today.)

“What of Fresh?” you cry. What wonderful sort of man was able to capture the Ice Queen’s heart?

I’ll think about it and tell you tomorrow.

For those of you who know us both, speculation is welcome.

Actually, the story of how he became known as Fresh is one of the reasons I love him….

An Emily Litella Moment
Florida's Panhandlers Are Preparing for Hurricane Ivan?

Sorry, You'll Be Humming This One All Day. I Am.
Have you been good all day? Okay, then. I just got off the phone after spending one hour with a charming IT professional (aka Computer Guy). While I was waiting, I wrote you a song:

Private Banker

You wanna make a million dollars
You want a Hummer and some DVDs
Who needs a husband and some children
Heck, I’ll throw in mine for free
All the men come to these places
And their suits are all the same
Wearing Monday faces
They just want to play the game,

I’m your private banker
I’ll make you some money
Cause that’s what you want me to do
I’m your private banker
So give me your money
Any old greenbacks will do

Not Bre-X or Nortel
(Insert my bank here) will do nicely thank you
Let me loosen up your wallet
Tell me, do want me to examine your portfolio again?
Ohhhhhh…….

Gotta Love The Bad Boy
I'm in a foul mood because Jacob Hoggard got kicked off Canadian Idol. Now that idiot cherubic boy will probably win. I said to Boomer, I hope Kalan (what the hell kind of name is that?) ends up on Surreal Life with Tammy Faye and Ron Jeremy. Yeah, you heard me. "Look at me, I'm so pouty and non-threatening to 12 year old girls. Wanna come over and play Barbies? Then we can give each other facials and braid each others' hair!" Bleagh.

So, what she said. Go, enjoy.

Meet the Teacher
The school has redeemed itself:
1. She apologized for the interview time mix-up
2. She said Ice Prince was very well-behaved in class
3.They're going to teach him phonics (I didn't think they did that anymore, but I think it's important)

This weekend, we practice walking by the playground without spazzing and standing on the line outside the kindergarten door.

Next year: Senior Kindergarten - French Immersion. Really, really!

I Didn't Cheat. This Really Was My Answer!

You will perish of fits. Repeat this to yourself:
"Things can work out even if I don't get
my way. Things can work out even...."


What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ice Queen's Roots Exposed in Major National Magazine!
Got the new issue of Food and Drink and it's magnificent. But one feature on fall fairs made me nearly choke on my California Rolls:
"Glencoe Fair
The Glencoe Fair...does a wonderful job of exposing visitors to aspects of both rural and urban life. Hosted in a town, it has access to urban amenities, but...a strong agriculrtural focus. Glencoe Fair is a delightful melange of tradition, education and entertainment.

Saturday is packed full of activities including a huge community parade and agriculture and livestock shows for cattle, sheep, horses and swine."

I could go on. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Well, I spent my formative years in Glencoe (age 12 - 18) and I can tell you the dirty truth!

The urban amenities in the article most likely refer to hot and cold running water. There is also a Becker's, where I once got lectured by my boss in 1985 for dressing inappropriately. (I think I was wearing some sort of Madonna/Whitney Houston get-up). There were no stop lights when I lived there but I seem to rememebr one from last time I visited, so Glencoe is indeed barrelling into the 20th century.

The fair itself is pleasant and all - if you live there and are starved for entertainment. Looking at blue ribbon squash and watching Bessie Bingo (in which the field is divided into squares and you bet on which square the cow will take a dump in - no, seriously!) is all very nice. But I certainly wouldn't recommend that any Bay Street bankers reading Food and Drink drive their Mercedes two and a half hours to Glencoe to enjoy it.

Ice Prince's First Day of School
How did it go? How did it go you ask? Well, if I may quote the musical Oliver!:
"Boy, boy for sale!
He's going cheap
Only seven shillings.
Have you ever seen as nice
A boy for sale?"

No, Seriously, Was It Really That Bad?
It was awful. Ice Prince saw the playground at the school and had a TOTAL meltdown because he couldn't go play. TOTAL. Screaming, crying, yelling, flailing. All the other parents and their docile children stood staring and me and the spawn of Satan.

Nothing as Nice As A Hearty Welcome!
I finally got him over to the JK line, where he collapsed in a snit heap. The teacher came down the line greeting all the children. "This is Colin, " I said, with a sheepish smile.
"Why are you here?" she replied.
"He's in your class."
"I'll just have to check that."
"I have a letter right here from the school."
She examined the letter.
"Well, this is all wrong, but since he's already here, he might as well stay."
(It seems the teacher is supposed to have the parent interview BEFORE the first day and the school screwed up on sending me the info.)

Harper Valley PTA Meets The Ice Queen
During the hour (first day is only an hour long), another parent and I went up to the staff lounge where the PTA President and her minion were hosting a welcome coffee for parents. Three of us showed up.

Well, it was dull as toast. The Pres regaled us with wasp-y PTA thrills, such as the Family Dance! The BBQ! The Free Apples for Children Once A Year! The Fitness Mural they comissioned! When the other parent suggested a clothing exchange (Parents bringing in stuff their darling had outgrown) I piped up:
"I have experience in event planning too. Although they seldom end in a clothing exchange unless there's an open bar involved."

Right now the PTA Pres is secretly hoping I don't join, and I'm thinking of doing so just to make her life a living hell.

(P.S. Yes, I really said that, and several other "inappropriate" things.)

It's My Potty And I'll Cry If I Want To
So I pick up the boy after the hour, and again with the tantrum and the screaming and so forth. And more parents staring. These are the neighbours I had planned to meet and befriend. Sigh. Maybe they'll like me better after they attend the "clothing exchange".

Then I went to Fresh's office, closed his door and cried for half an hour.

Tomorrow is our interview with the teacher (which is "all wrong"). Will she suggest Ice Prince wait a year? Can they possibly expel him from Junior Kindergarten? Will Ice Queen turn the PTA on its head (I did promise to show up to the Family Dance in a prom dress and corsage...)?

Stay tuned.

Lord, I feel like a parent!
Tomorrow is the big day. Ice Prince gets his first taste of school. He wants to wear his Hawaiian shirt. Fresh thinks he’ll look like a tourist, but I think it’s sweet.

Because we moved when I was a kid, I attended TWO different kindergartens.

The first was wonderful. The teacher was sweet. I had a boyfriend named Jimmy Nickel (Bonus points if you can tell me the significance of another Jimmy Nickel who was much too old to be in school with me.). We coloured together. They served us apples and oranges cut in zigzags. I learned how to spell Brontosaurus. I loved it.

The second was horrible. The teacher was mean. I couldn’t find my bus and cried. No one cared. When I went to the puppet theatre she yelled “It’s not time for that! Go sit in the circle!” I hated it.

Please, let Ice Prince have a good teacher.

Wanted: Exorcist
I like this blog.

Anyone whose toddler says (to the woman's face): "I love Grandma. Grandma the booze hound." is okay in my books.

Horrible day with Ice Prince yesterday. Horrible. (shudder)

E-mail to all Employees: Smiling is okay. Encouraged, even.
Had some banking to do yesterday. It was imperative that it be done. Fresh had to work again (could he possibly be having an affair? Yes, with the LCBO*. He had to stop off to check out the new Vintages release. Which may only be consumed when company is over. Anyone want to come over? But I digress....)

Ice Prince was in a lovely mood, until we got into the Bank (my own employer corp). He was frothing and screaming and yelling and pushing. It was very embarassing. But I had to do my banking. I tell the teller what I need to do. Ice Prince is on the floor and appears to be possessed. He is about to bump into a patron. I pick him up, and he squirms and yells "You're hurting me! Ouch! Ouch!" (Drama Queen).

The teller hands me my receipt. "Anything else today?"
Me: "And a vasectomy to go, please."

He didn't even crack a smile.

* Liquor Control Board of Ontario. Don't get your knickers in a knot over the "control" part. When I was a kid, you had to fill out a form and take it to a counter behind which all the booze was kept and the shop keep would fetch it for you. These days, the LCBO runs a classy operation, with beautiful store, lovely giftware, a specialty food magazine and....
**Vintages: a monthly release of specially chosen wines. A catalogue is put out monthly with wine reviews and descriptions. Fresh is Fresh-obsessed with it.

Naked Snack
Psst...hey. Fresh has run out to the store for baking soda. It's 10:14 pm on Friday night and I'm makig oatmeal cookies. You got a problem with that? What would you give to have a sweet young thing baking you cookies right now?

Anyhow, here a site that's probably not safe for work. It's guys who have posted nude photos of themselves, but the guys have been removed and it just shows how pathetic their lives are. If you're naked and pathetic, don't click here.

Good clean fun!

It's Friday. Drop and Give Me Five
1. Using one adjective, describe your current living space.
Mildew-riffic!

2. Using two adjectives, describe your current employer.
Exacting but fair

3. Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/past time.
Expensive, luxurious, liver-destroying

4. Using four adjectives, describe your typical day.
5:45 am - 9:00 am hectic
9:00 am - 5:00 pm mind-numbing
5:00 pm - 8:00 pm hectic
8:00 pm - 10:30 pm fleeting
10:30 pm - 5:45 am blissful

5. Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life.
Adventurous, unique, inspiring, carefree, peaceful

More findings
This morning on the way to daycare with the Little prince, I found a lottery ticket on the street. No big whoop.

However, the back was filled out with a name, address and signature, as if for redemption.

The suspense is killing me...but I just had to tell you first.

Maybe there will be a reward! back in a mo'




One number right. Is this total freak week or what?

Found it!
Ice Prince's Hallowe'en costume.
Trick or treat?

TOTAL Freaks.
The people who turned me down for the job have now reposted the job today. What the hell?

I guess they are NOT pursuing a candidate with skills that better meet their specifications. They HAVE no other suitable candidates.

I bet I asked for too much money. Or they were intimidated by my beauty. Or maybe it was the tiara that put them off....

Kisses and Endorphins
Everything in my life is dull and I have no money and my basement’s wet and my son hasn’t spoken to me for 24 hours because he’s in a “sniff”, but do you know what?

I’m in a great mood.

Is it the endorphins? I ran again this morning. I really must find my walkman – I’m not sure the neighbours enjoy my version of Ryan Malcolm’s Something More as I jog past at 5:45 am.

Today is garbage day, and there was some excellent haul at Pape – a bowl with retro palm trees on it. But:
1. I still had another 1.5 km to jog home. Hard enough without a big ass bowl under my arm.
2. The people were still putting stuff out. I don’t like to garbage pick while people are looking. I do have my pride.
3. It looked TOO good. Nobody throws something THAT cool out. Must’ve been hurled into or something.

Sad, really. And yet, I’m still in a great mood.

I ran into Fresh on my way into work (he’s been keeping up with his resolution too). It totally tickled me to see him out of context. And there’s something lovely about getting a kiss right outside your office building.

Crappy. How Was Yours?
Spent the weekend tearing up carpet tiles, breathing in mould, throwing about toys, applying bleach and carrying laundry to and from the laundromat in the pouring pouring rain. And guess where I keep all my clothes. Yep, the basement. Too much fun!

Oh yeah, and I didn't get the investment firm job. Got a form letter about persuing applicants whose qualifications most closely meet our requirements. Blah, blah. And just when I had come to terms with the fact that I didn't want the job because it was boring. I wanted to reject them first! Grrrrrrrrr!!!! Consider yourself rejected you boring no-taste bureaucrats!

But I'm not bitter.

Jerks.

The Modern Olympics
I am not athletic (see below) and I don't understand the Olympics. I don't watch them and I find them a total waste of time (except for that cute diver I saw a clip of on the news. Me-ow!)

Anyhow, I was thinking: what's the point in proving you're superior at running or throwing pointy things or swimming? And then it occured to me -- these used to be important life skills. Outrunning an angry mastadon or killing one with your spear was vital. So being the best at these skills really mattered.

Nowadays - not so much.

So if the Olympics are meant to display who is best at important survival skills, what should the Olympics of 2004 really look like?
-Running in heels
-Carrying drycleaning in one hand and an extra large pizza in the other
-Phone tag
-Delegation relay
-Toddler Toy Hurdle With Phone Ringing

I'm tired. You think of some.

A New Leaf

Before
Fresh and I have made back to school resolutions.
I am going to get up every morning at 5:45 am and run for half an hour. And Fresh is going to wake up early and get into work an hour earlier.
Today was Day One. So far so good.
Boomer, does my incentive program still apply?

After

Remove her clothes and give her a hub, say "Thank you!"
Ice Queen's Site of the Day

Please do wait for all the photos to load.

Can you imagine yours doing this? Me neither.

Nobody Told Me There’d Be Days Like These
Sick yesterday. Achy, breaky, shaky. You know. Spent yesterday at home. Read Tempting Faith DiNapoli, which was not bad. Tried to sleep, but lots of construction equipment outside our house.

Felt better in the evening. Decided to turn in early. Went down to the basement to get some toiletries and the basement was flodded. About half an inch of water. It was dry by the walls and in the bathroom, so the culprit seems to be the floor drain. Spent an hour pulling up carpet tiles and sweeping water into the floor drain. Had a bath to get rid of smell. At least, I hope it got rid of the smell….. Hey! Where are you going?

So now we need:
• New dryer and washer (see last week)
• Plumber to fix whatever went awry (we have a nice plumber, luckily)
• New floor covering
• Probably new couch (needed one anyway, but now it’s half wet too, besides being generally skanky.)
• A lot of elbow grease to pull up carpet tiles which are very well glued.
• Manicure after finish pulling up carpet tiles.
• Money. Sigh.

Professor Frink, Professor Frink
He’ll Make You Laugh, He’ll Make You Think
Miss Mimi Smartypants (found on Mikevil’s site) was complaining that Creative Writing students tend to misspell the following words:
1. ethereal
2. bier
3. corporeal
4. breathe
5. alabaster
6. scythe
7. sacrificial
8. wraith
9. translucent
10. vengeance

I have a B.A. in Creative Writing and I have NEVER used these words. Perhaps, I thought, I am missing something.

So, my dears, this is your challenge for today. Write a poem using the ten words listed above. Please try to be amusing; it’s too easy to simply be bad.

On your mark, get set, GO!

The Whole Kitten Caboodle
Ice Prince didn’t want to come home from his new daycare provider’s house.
“I want to stay here.” “We have to go home for supper.”
“I’m going to have supper here. And I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

And on the way home:
“Know what, mommy?”
“What?”
“Jasmine has much better toys than we do.”
Ouch.

In other news, our dryer is broken. We need to buy a new one. And the washer is making sympathy noises, so we’ll probably buy a set. Being an adult sucks. Luckily, I can hang things outside now, but on weekdays, I’m not enjoying waking up at 6 am to wash clothes and then stand outside in the cold hanging up damp undies. We make a lot of laundry. Especially the Prince.

I phoned the Executive Search Firm back. They want to line me up with a job that would involve me managing a stable of creative professionals for a healthcare education agency. A very interesting job with reasonable pay, but sounds VERY stressful. But maybe in a good way. I’m flexible – but not cheap. Make me an offer I can’t refuse.

Should hear back from the investment firm this week. Such fun! It’s like dating again!

I Believe in Miracles

Thanks
First of all, snaps to Crabby for guest blogging. You are the wind beneath my wings. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Her blog is now back in business, which makes me happy.

In the news this morning:
Ice Prince Starts New Daycare Provider This Morning
It’s two streets north of our house. She’s a lovely lady named Jasmine with a big fenced yard and all the toys a kid could want. She’ll be walking him to school in a couple of weeks when he starts Junior Kindergarten. There’s another little boy at Jasmine’s who will be in IP’s class. They may be best friends, who knows? So exciting!

Ice Prince Visits Ex, Has Too Much Fun
Yesterday the Royal Family went to the Ex. IP enjoyed the rides thoroughly. I almost got sunstroke waiting in line for tickets, and then I got nauseous from riding in some spinning strawberry thing with IP. The waffles were ice creamy, the Food Building sucked, and Fresh won a Nemo for IP. IP got to sit in a real firetruck. He cried every time a ride ended.

Things I’m happy about
My suntan (not from sunbathing, just from being outside). I’m brown as a berry! Want to see my tan lines? (On my feet! Dirty mind!)
My big bass
My two job leads
My bottle of red wine waiting at home
My blank CDs
Sunshine
Not having to commute downtown with Ice Prince anymore
Getting to wear my fall clothes soon, which are much more flattering
And my black boots with heels! “where you from, you sexy thang…”

Okay, back to work.

The Bitch is Back!
I'm back and I'm so glad! I missed it all so much! The nylons, the lattes, the bathtub, the stove, the wine! Oh, how I missed the wine!

Anyhow, a rather eventful week in all. Let's recap:
Arrived Friday night in beautiful Minden Ontario. My parents' trailer which they just bought is on a lovely lot in a park where we have been going since 1978 when I was 9 years old. Dad was a teacher, so we'd spend all summer up there. Ah, the crushes, the pre-teen angst, the dreams I dreamt in that park.

It's a small trailer with an addition built on to it, like a living room/dining room area.

Caught big fish. Smallmouth bass. 4 and a half pounds. Used a frog for bait. The fillets are in my freezer and we will be having them for supper, possibly tonight.

Ate Kawartha Dairy Ice Cream. Which, if you haven't had it, is an orgasmic experience. Pralines and cream, natch.

Watched Monsters Inc. more than a dozen times. (Not much to do with Ice Prince at 6:30 am when he wakes up.)

Went to Parorama Point and saw shooting stars.

Wore a ripped pair of jeans and a lumberjack shirt. Really. I was cold. I'll post a picture when I get them back.

Saw whitewater rapids.

Had a campfire.

Ate junk food. (It's going to take weeks to undo what my parents have done to Ice Prince's food choices.)

Heard the loons calling and saw a heron fly only about 3 metres above my head.

But the big news chez Ice is that I've been checking my voice mail and I got TWO calls on jobs.

We came back yesterday afternoon. I curled my hair, got a quick manicure, bought an outfit and went off to an interview at an investement firm. It went okay. Too many of those stupid behavioural questions (Tell me about a time when you have to gain buy-in from another team....). I'm guessing I'll make the second round of interviews.

As per usual, I ran into my boss at the office when I had to run in for copies of my resume. So, as usual, I 'fessed up. She knows I'm looking anyway. (New readers, check out the fiasco of my last job interview on February 5. Hilarious!).

The other call was from an Executive Search Firm (Mandrake). I has sent in a resume for one thing, but they want to hook me up with something else. I'll call them Monday. Make 'em sweat.

Such excitement! It's great to be wanted.

The first few days at the trailer, it seemed like something was missing. But when I landed the job interview, it felt like it did when I was a teenager there in summertime: like I was on the cusp of something big, like anything could happen.

Since I've come home, I have made brownies and I am currently making waffles. Fresh is happy to have me home. Not just for the cooking, I'm sure. He left the place very tidy. It's good to be back.

The Ice Queen's Legacy Project

Ice Queen to Crabby: I want a new job. What do you think I should do for the rest of my professional life?

I gave this some thought, and came to two conclusions: Ice Queen deserves to be challenged with an opportunity to use her amazing creative energy, and that at her age, she'd better find something quickly.

Here's today's assignment: find or create Icy's next job - something that pays in the six figures, and involves no weekend or evening work (but does entail lots of foreign travel).

You can ask me anything

It's Crabby here, equipped with Icy's username and password and in possession of all the answers to your most important questions about the Ice Queen. I'll start you off.

How did you meet the Ice Queen, Crabby?
I met the Ice Queen in 1990 or 1991, but I had known of her since 1988. My friend - call her The Sociopath - went to university with Icy and Sister StaceyPatrick. We all met for drinks one night at some wine-bar in the St. Lawrence Market district, and that was the first time I met Icy.

What had you been told about the Ice Queen, Crabby?
The Sociopath told me that Icy was repressed, shy, and wanted to raise a half dozen babies on some island in the Pacific Northwest. Hmph. The only part she got right was that the babies would be Fresh's.

So bring it on. Ask away. I know you want to!

En Vacances
I’m going on vacation, dearhearts. I’ll be back on Monday August 23. Crabby has the passwords and may be persuaded to post. She offered to tell the story of how we met. (Sister Stace, if you want to post, ask Crabby for the passwords. I know you have lots of Ice Queen stories to tell. But not about Tim’s braces, this is a family blog, of sorts.)

I am surprised at how much I will miss blogging. Perhaps I shall buy a notebook and write down whatever I would have blogged and then you’ll have twice the blog when I get back.

We’ll go drinking when I get back. Promise.

Talk amongst yourselves. Kiss, kiss!

A Special Friday Before Vacation Treat!

Ice Queen discusses politics. Which I never do.

1. That radio station in Quebec that being shut down by the CRTC? Tough shit. You were warned. Freedom of speech, my ass. That’s spreading hate. I though Quebeckers were all progressive-like, but they sound like they have more in common with Ralph Kein.
2. Governor of NJ resigns because he’s gay. Wha-? Gay men can’t hold office? Men who cheated on their wives can’t hold office? Pul-lease!
3. San Fran revokes all gay marriage licenses. What a bunch of neanderthal douchebags!

Grrrr….this is why I never discuss these things. It makes me mad.

Okay, I’ll tell a little story about one time I went up to the “resort” (read: trailer park) where I am going this week. My family has been going there since I was 8 years old, but I haven’t been there since 1992. Anyhow,

One day when I was about 14, I went up to the store to buy some candy or gum. The people who ran the park at that time were very much like the gang on Trailer Park Boys. No, really. That’s probably why I like the show so much. Anyhow,

I came back from the store and reported to my mom:
“Orville (the owner’s son) just got his package from Columbia!”
My mother was silent.
“Mum?”
“Errr…how do you know that?”
“It was delivered while I was up there.”
Silence.
“Columbia Records, Mom, not a package full of cocaine from Columbia!”

Swan Song
Picked up Mikevil in my Swan Boat this afternoon. We went over to Hanlan's Point. I wrote poetry for loose change, then I bought us each a snow cone. Mikevil tossed foie gras at the Canada Geese while singing show tunes and then he saw the Bat Signal. It was a diversity emergency and he had to go. But I am sure we will meet again some day where the asphalt is hot and the beer is cold (or the wine is red.) Farewell! God speed!

I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Mikevil. I'm not usually good with strangers. Mind you, he's not a stranger, is he?

So I have now met Surly Snobby, Radmila, Mikevil and I alerady knew Crabby and Sister Stacey (lurker and former blogger in her own right). Who's next up for Meet The Ice Queen?

If Your Life Were a Reality Show.....
1. What would it be called?
2. What would the theme song be?
3. What cheesy b-list star would you want on when the ratings started to slip?
4. Who would your corporate sponsor(s) be?


Mine would be:
1. "What's an Ice Girl Like You Doing In A Place Like This?"
2. "I'll stop the world and melt with you..."
3. Chris Makepeace from My Bodyguard and Meatballs . But not cheesy enough. Maybe....Al Yankovic! Yes!
4. Brought to you by: DIM Pantyhose and the Australian Wine Council

Mother Knows Best
When I was a kid, we moved every two years. The only real reason seemed to be that was that my parents have a short attention span. (They still do - they’ve been in their current house just over a year). Anyhow, in Grade 8, we moved over the summer. The last week of August, we had an appointment to go meet my new teacher.


I dressed up in my best Back to School clothes.(I seem to remember purple pants and a thin cotton purple sweater. Ick! Well it was 1981.) Anyhow, we met the guy. Then we went for a drive, down to Lake Erie. We walked down to the edge and watched the water. It was a hot day. The waves were crashing against the shore. I was thinking bittersweet thoughts about starting a new school and making a good impression and getting older. Would I make new friends? Would they like me? Then, my mother pushed me into the lake.

I laughed and laughed and spent the next hour jumping in the waves. And then we went for ice cream as I dripped in the back seat. (Sweaters don’t dry quickly.)

I still smile when I think about it.

You know which wines go best with which foods, and
you can make New York City's finest sommalier
feel like a kid at a keg party. You wanna take
that Emeril guy and beat him with a stick, but
really - you've got more class than that.
What people love: You know the best restaurants and
what their specialties are.
What people hate: Every waiter in town wants to
mangle your pretentious ass.


What Kind of Elitist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Note to my Dates Tonight
Ice Prince is sick. I'll be swinging by the office to pick up work and then home again.

Raincheck please?

Fresh Gets Promotion
He's now the head guy in his office and will be liaising much more with the Big Guy. More admin work, less night meetings.

Ice Queen Hall of Shame
Yesterday I dropped by the outskirts of the Taste of the Danforth food festival to get dinner.

A man in front of me with a six year old son crumpled up a large piece of paper and stuck it in a curbside flowerpot.

"Excuse me," said I "You seem to have dropped something." And I handled it back to him.

He took it sliently and grimly. And he put it in the trash can several feet away.

Ice Queen 1 Thoughtless People Messing Up My Neighbourhood 0

It's International Matty G Day
Apparently it is celebrated by having a hangover.

Why is it that nobody ever comes up to talk to me, but this morning, everyone is dropping by to chat, including Boomer's boss, who is way too enthusiastic and can't take a hint?

Make them go away. Now.

Damn! I just forgot that I've got a snail in my purse. Better go get him out. Talk amongst yourselves and have a very Happy Matty G day.

I'll Admit They Are a Bit Pneumatic....
I just typed "hot air balloon" into Ask Jeeves' picture search. I got Janet Jackson and Britney Spears.

Today is Hereby Declared International Ice Queen Day

Today is MY day.

Fresh has got Ice Prince duty.

After work, I am going to the local pool to slide down the giant water slide and then I’m going to Crabby’s (Sister Staceypatrick is coming too.) Fresh told me to “Drink lots of wine. You’ll feel better.” You don’t have to tell ME twice!

Any other indulgent (and preferably free) things I can do to celebrate?

(It just occurred to me that it’s also my 6th anniversary of working at the Behemoth Bank. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Ice Queen’s tab at the LCBO.)

I was planning to wear my tiara tonight, and then I thought, "Aren't we getting a bit obsessive?" and then I thought "Who gives a shit, it makes me happy." Maybe I'll wear it on the water slide too...ah, hell, they probably won't let me.

”You want some parfait? Nuh-uh, I don’t like no parfait.”
Kinda depressed lately. Don’t know why. Same old same old. And yet, when I think of doing something different that I would usually find fun, I just can’t be bothered. I need a major life renovation Chez Ice. Maybe I’ll take an improv class. Normally I’d dye my hair or chop it all off…but “I’m an adult now.” (That and the fact that I’m not about to throw away my pricey Aveda highlights.)

But this made me smile.

A Shot of Scotch
My Scottish Nana used to sing this to me. I sing it to the Ice Prince (who has alternated between insisting on being called either "Stephanie" or "Princess" this weekend, but I digress). I tried to look it up on the 'net to see if there were more verses, to no avail.

So here's what I remember of it:

Ali bali, ali bali bee
Sittin' on yer mammy's knee
Greetin' for a wee bobby
Tae buy some Cooter's Candy

Och wee bairn, you're lookin' mighty thin
A wee bag o' bones puckered o'er wit' skin
But soon you'll be gettin' a wee double chin
From suckin' Cooter's Candy

(greetin' = begging, bobby = money/a penny, bairn = child)

Well then, that explains everything....

Red Wine Is Good For The Breasts.

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
IQ: I have to get change for bus fare, and you've been a good boy, so I'll buy you a treat this morning.
IP: Yay! I love treats! Well, I like good treats, not bad treats.
IQ: Bad treats? What's an example of a bad treat?
IP: A rock is a bad treat.
IQ: True.
IP: Anything you find on the floor is a bad treat.
IQ: Fair enough. What's a good treat?
IP: Anything you put in your mouth.
IQ: Toothpaste?
IP: No!
IQ: You put toothpaste in your mouth...
IP: But it's not a treat.
IQ: Cookies?
IP: Yes!
IQ: Peas?
IP: Yes, peas are treats too.
IQ: Huh! Who knew?

Lola’s Song
to the tune of I’ve been Working on the Railroad

I’ve been working for the Beemo
All the live long day
I’ve been working for the Beemo
Just to get incentive pay
Can't you leave a little early
Overtime sure stinks
Can’t you hear the bankers shouting
”Lola, go for drinks!

Lola won’t you go
Lola won’t you go
Lola, won’t you go for drinks with us
Lola, won’t you go
Lola, won’t you go
Lola, won’t you go for drinks?”

Someone’s in the storeroom with Lola
Someone’s in the storeroom I said
Someone’s in the storeroom with Lola
Looking at her 4 page spread

Fee fie fiddley I said
Fee fie fiddley I said
Fee fie fiddley I said
Looking at her 4 page spread

Soon to Be revealed!
A Simpsons character comes out of the closet and there's a gay marriage performed by Homer.

Who could it be?

Well, for a marriage to occur, you need two people. So if only one comes out of the closet, could it be:

Barney?
Dr. Nick?
Willie?
Professor Frink?
Troy McClure? (who does his voice now, anyway?)
Karl and Lenny?
Some say Patty or Selma, but I don't think so.

And who's the lucky bride/groom? Either:
1. The Groom is Smithers
2. The Groom is John (the guy from the kitsch store)
3. The bride/Groom is a stranger.

The episode will run in January.

Culture Corner
Remember the poetry blog Crabby and I share? Well, I've made a new entry. Enjoy.

Two Drink Minimum.

Crowning Glory
I've got a new tiara to try out today. If my lunch date brings her digital camera, maybe I can post a picture.

Ice Prince Reviews Shrek 2
Me: What are the rules?
I: When you’re in the feeatre (sic) there’s no jumping, no grabbing, no screaming. You have to sit and eat your popcorn. And it’s dark.
Me: What did you like best about the movie?
IP: Eating the popcorn and drinking the red juice.
Me: No, what part of the movie?
IP: (thinks) Well, I liked when the cat bit Shrek on the bum.

The Queen Reviews Shrek 2
I liked it. Not as much as Shrek 1. I thought that Mongo was a bit too deus ex machina.

I liked Cat, but thought he could have been used better. And I thought from the reviews that Cat and Donkey were going to end up together – there was some reference to “alternative lifestyle” in the movie, but other than Cat saying that Prince Charming sounded dreamy – nuthin’. Well, except for the part after the credits with Dragon. Which again, I thought was pretty predictable.

All in all, I enjoyed it. My favourite part was the COPS parody.

BREAKING NEWS
My parents are coming into town to babysit tomorrow night. Yes! YES!

My True Colours
As found on Fruit Cocktail.

you are lavenderblush #FFF0F5

Your dominant hues are red and magenta. You love doing your own thing and going on your own adventures, but there are close friends you know you just can't leave behind. You can influence others on days when you're patient, but most times you just want to go out, have fun, and do your own thing. Your saturation level is very low - you have better things to do than jump headfirst into every little project. You make sure your actions are going to really accomplish something before you start because you hate wasting energy making everyone else think you're working. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Note To Self
Don't guzzle, in a rush of enthusiasm while doing the dishes, the remainder of the balsamic vinegar, thinking it's what's left of the Zinfandel.
 
Blech!

Jazz and The Blues
(A lovely guest blog by Crabby)
We strolled along Queen Street last night, enjoying Jazz Fest, and Eventually made our way right to my sad and dilapidated marital home. The first place I ever lived in Toronto. The first home I shared with my new husband. The place where I grew to love the loveliest friends one could have. In that home I learned how to be married, and consequently learned more about what is and what isn't important to me. Such a heartbreak now, that little bungalow - the lawn is full of weeds and is in desperate need of a cutting. The ancient tree is mostly dead.  The adorable elderly couple next door has moved to a care facility and their house has been replaced by two McMansions.  My gorgeous lily garden is obscured by elbow-high weeds. Ok, ok, the reality is that I have never had nor will I ever have a gorgeous garden of any kind, but I tell you looked better under my care than it does now. Even the holly bush, which I raided every Christmas to fill our small, drafty rooms with cheer, knows the love is gone. It's droopy and overgrown all at the same time.  Standing on the sidewalk, gazing at what was once one of my favourite corners of the world, I felt the same way.

We loved that little house. All the windows have since been replaced with decidedly un-romantic, non-wooden white plastic things. The old backdoor that used to let snowdrifts in, and through which Bigkitty could stick his paw has also been replaced. It's also white, but metal, with no screen. Coach lamps have been installed.  All of this made me sad and lonely for our dumpy little house. The wooden sash windows were not efficient, but so generous and sturdy that they once trapped my kitten between glass and screen. The effort and the sound of pushing open those windows was almost as satisfying as the cool lake breeze that they let in. Yes, it was tiring to have to shovel the snow that blew in that back door,  but that old door had such a huge clear window that I liked to keep sparkling clean. So clean that the same kitten thought she had discovered her escape route. If you've ever been inside and seen a bird fly into your window, imagine being outside barbequing, and seeing a kitten fly smack into the glass and drop unseen onto the floor. That was the magic of that house. The most fun things happened there.

Later, we walked home to our less dumpy, slightly newer home, soaking wet from the rain. At the top of our street we were met on the sidewalk by Phil Who is Not Dead, and Skinny Kitty Big Head. It's good here too, I reminded myself. My garden is only a wee bit below respectable, with very few weeds. Abby came barrelling towards us for a cuddle, with Huckle in hot pursuit. It's good where we live now - we're so lucky, really. We still have the same and loveliest friends, and the fun times continue. Maybe it's not one's environment that matters as much as those who create it. I've always been sentimental about places I've lived. One day, when we move from our current home, I'll be devastated. If we ever come back to visit, maybe my heart will be filled with the memories of Christmases and barbeques and our lackadaisical approach to home renovations. I'll remember this home very fondly, but never as fondly as that first one.

Homework
I read an article about Presidential Portraits in Time last week.  It mentioned how Clinton's was the first to include an American flag, which I thought was interesting.

In the olden days, portraits would often be painted with objects representing the subject's profession, hobbies, philosophy, etc.

So, if YOU were to have your portrait done:
1. What would you be wearing?
2. Where would you be posed?
3. What objects would be in the picture with you?
4. If you like, tell me who would paint it. Or photograph it.  Dead people allowed. Like you're going to actually have this done. Riiiiight.

Books Fit for A Queen
Last night at the library I took out:

• Leap of Faith: Queen Noor of Jordan's Autobiography (started it - very interesting. It's like a romance and travel book and a political memoir all rolled into one.
• 15 Canadian Poets
• Clara Callan (won a Giller Prize, apparently), and
• I picked up my copy of the video Local Hero, which we will watch on Friday night.

If it's nae Scottish, it's Crap!
To make up for my Moor comment, I'll tell you a joke that makes my ethnicity look bad.
 
A Englishman, A Canadian and a Scotsman are in a pub. They each get a pint. A fly lands in each of their pints.
The Englishman calls the waitress for a replacement pint.
The Canadian picks the fly out and drinks the beer.
The Scotman picks the fly out, squeezes him over the glass and yells "Spit it oot, ye greedy bastard!"

Slightly not PC, I apologize to Northern Africans
I heard on the new last night that Molson and Coors might merge. I suggested to Fresh that they call the new beer "Coolson". Fresh thought it was brilliant and that I should write to them.
 
I didn't think it was that brilliant. Calling their dark ale "Moors", now that's a bit more original.

Looking for a few Good Books
Now that I have a library card, I'm looking for good books to read.
 
Any suggestions? I do NOT read mysteries or romances. I do read cookbooks, travel books, fiction (esp Canadian),
 
My favourite book is Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterston.
My most disappointing was The Corrections by Jonathon Frazen.
 
I am also looking for good music to, errr, download. My favourite these days is Ron Sexsmith. I was rather disappointed with Bebel Gilberto or whoever it was that Snobby recommended. I like jazz, blues, soul and some folk. I also like cheesy 80s music.
 
Bring it on!

A Berry Berry Big Head
Is it just me, or does Halle Berry's Catwoman headgear make her look like she has the world's biggest melon? (Too busy to find you a graphic, m'dears. But you know what I'm talking about.) Michelle Pfieffer had a MUCH better outfit, no question.
 
And I like the fact that a man was Halle's stunt double, so guys who think they're drooling at seeing Halle Berry may actually be drooling at a guy. That just makes me giggle.

I Love My Job
"The Walt Disney Company grants an extra five-minute break (or a candy bar) to the employee who finds the guest who has travelled farthest to come to the park." From 1001 Ways to Reward Employees
Maybe my job's not so bad....

Ice Prince Tries Out A Pick Up Line On His Mom:
"You are so beautiful. Please may I lie on your lap?"

Seen And Heard
Broadview Subway Station, Toronto
A group of students, perhaps Grade 12.
"He thinks I'm gay, man. I am not gay. I am only gay at drive-ins and on Sundays."

Works for me.

Now wait just a second...
It has just occurred to me that when you give someone mouth to mouth resucitation, you are essentially exhaling carbon dioxide into them.

How useful is that? Duh!

Missed me Missed me, now you’ve got to kiss me
I’m back, dearhearts. And there are two very good reasons why I didn’t post this weekend.
1. Censored à la Mikeveil "What if the wrong person should read this". The Ice Queen is taking on a larger life, don't you know.
2. I got a library card.

Those who know me may attest to my slightly obsessive nature, When I have a book, I am compelled to read the entire thing in one long session. While washing dishes, bathing, making dinner, walking, whatever. It’s actually very disturbing. I become like an addict.

So this weekend I read Pay It Forward and I am ¾ of the way through You Shall Know Our Velocity! I also put a hold on one of my favourite movies from the 80s: Local Hero. Pay it Forward was a pretty good book – hard to believe that Kevin Spacey in the movie was playing a character who, in the book, was black, scarred, had an eye patch, and was actually quite handsome.

You Shall Know Our Velocity! Is about two friends who have one week to travel around the globe and give away $32,000. An excellent premise that is never entirely realized to its full potential. Strange who both books involve examining the nature of charity and guys with scarred faces.

Day Eight of Condom Watch: It seems to be biodegrading, thank goodness. But still there.

Also met a possible new daycare lady for Ice Prince half days when he starts Junior Kindergarden in two months. Fairly happy with her. So hard choosing someone to look after your kid. Ice Prince loves her big fenced yard and huge assortment of toys. It should be fine. It’s VERY close to our house, so bonus.

Oh, I also rearranged Fresh’s “ home office” on Saturday, which has hereto been a junk room. He was very impressed with the results. Queen Eye for the Fresh Guy!

I Think Not.
Walked by Pharma Plus at lunch and saw there were condoms in the clearance bin.

Is it ever a good idea to buy discount condoms?

The Nekkid Post
The new issue of Xtra is out and there are pictures of Pride. None of me. Apparently , you have to get nekkid these days to get your picture in the paper. Well, forget that. Not going to happen.

Fresh came home last night with the flu. He felt better for a couple of hours, so we watched The Cooler with William H. Macy and Alec Baldwin. If Steve Buscemi had been in the movie it would have been perfect. And Antonio Banderas, just for scenery. It was Macy's first love scene ever, and he got quite naked. That must be hard. I mean..it must be difficult to do a love scene on camera with someone you barely know. It was an excellent movie. A bit violent, but not too Tarantino.

That reminds me that Ice Prince met Enza Anderson, correspondent for Naked News and longtime acquaintance of Fresh (not like that). For our out of town readers, Enza is the local drag queen (trans? she male? I don't know the details, but know she got her chest done.) celebrity who has run for mayor and kisses all the politicians for photo ops.

Anyhow, Ice Prince that night in bed said "Mommy, what was Daddy's friend's name again?"
"Enza."
"Enza, yeah. She has such pretty hair. I like her."

Such a well-rounded education that boy's getting.

Anything I Cannot Handle Is, Therefore, My Own Problem
Cardiologist says my heart is perfectly healthy. It just marches to the beat of a different drummer.

Is anyone surprised?

In my world, I Am A Goddess


Which Greek Goddess Are You? And it's NOT Quizilla!

Heart of Glass
Today I go to my cardiologist for the first time, hopefully the last of the specialists I am sent to to examine my various bouts of pneumonia last winter.

I bet he'll tell me to exercise, eat better and drink less. Any other bets?

Ice Queens Always Land On Their Feet
Only I could get rewarded for losing my debit card.

Wednesday, we rented a car and picked up supplies to head up to the Crabby Compound (Crababunkport? Yeah…I like it.) We bought some fish. Then Fresh said “That’s not enough”, so we bought more. I used my debit card first, then cash. I later discovered (as I tried to buy groceries) that they hadn’t given my card back.

I phoned the fish store – no card. So I phoned and cancelled the card. Then the fish store called and said they’d found the card and offered to send it over in a taxi. I said that I’d cancelled it and he said, “I’m so sorry. Next time you’re in, I’ll get you some nice fish.”

Okay.

Home from Crababunkport, a message on the machine from George at the fish store : “When are you coming in for your fish? Call me!” So I called him yesterday. “I’ll taxi over some seafood to you!” I assured him that I would drop by.

So I ended up with $30 worth of sushi grade tuna and $15 worth of jumbo shrimp and cocktail sauce from my new buddy George.

But George is crazy like a fox. Guess where I’ll buy my fish and seafood from now on?

Ice Prince Weighs In
Ice Prince had a great time at the “college” but was sad Stacey couldn’t come “because she has her belly button class.”

When I asked him what his favourite part of going to the “college” was, he said “I liked drinking orange juice.” (Note: he always has orange juice. Go figure.)

Heaven…I’m in Heaven….
In my Heaven, the year is divided like so:
December 24 – December 31 (note, no hangover because Jan 1 is not included.) Lots of parties with family and friends. Plus my birthday. Candles, singing, food and drink. The Christmas tree is real and (miraculously) doesn’t shed any needles. On my birthday, we play music and dance.
The first week of spring: And I actually remembered to plant tons of bulbs. Birds chirp. I buy a new hat. It smells like dirt and fresh water.
A week in summer. Probably the last week of June. Every other night, there is a huge thunderstorm with thunder and lightning. There are no mosquitoes, but lots of butterflies and dragonflies. I have a wooden dock by the lake where I lie in the sun. My bikini line is pristine with no effort on my part. There is a full moon.
A week in fall. Probably the first or second week of October. At university. A nicer more picturesque university than I attended, naturally. Leaves are falling. I have nice black tights and shiny leather boots. “Making Love Out Of Nothing At All” is drifting through the air.

What's So Funny 'Bout Peas, Love and Understanding?
Back from four days at Crabby Estates in beautiful Prince Edward County. Have more laundry now than I thought was humanly possible. Ignored laundry and finished reading The Lovely Bones, lent to me by Crabby. It was amazing. About a dead girl in heaven. Sounds good, eh? No, really, it was. And I'm finicky.

I need to do a couple of things here and get my ducks in a row (hee hee!). Then I will regale you with tales of adventure. (Actually, no. But we did buy some sugar snap peas....)

So in the meantime, tell me what your heaven would be like. If you don't believe in heaven, humour me. I am the Queen and I will so smite you if I am displeased. Or, at the very least, give you my trademark withering look.

Don't Blame Me....

Yes, I Was A Child Bride
So my 13th Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow. According to this, I should be receiving lace and fur. Hot damn!

“What are you going to get me for our anniversary?” I asked Fresh.
“My undying affection.” he said.
“But that’s what you got me last year!” I wailed.

Actually, my anniversary present is that the election will be over. I get my Fresh back! Hurrah!

Douglas Adams Explains Why You Must Vote Today

"I come in peace," it (the alien robot) said, "take me to your Lizard."

Ford Prefect, of course, had an explanation for this. "It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..."

"You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?"

"No," said Ford, "nothing so simple. Nothing anything like to straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people."

"Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy."

"I did," said Ford. "It is."

"So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't the people get rid of the lizards?"

"It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want."

"You mean they actually vote for the lizards?"

"Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course."

"But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?"

"Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?"

An Important Election Day Message From Elections canada
Well, there goes my plan.

I'm Queen Of The World!
Here's me in my running outfit.

Post race photo by the Portapotties by Boomer.

Hopefully I'll get some media coverage and you can get a picture of me running too. Poetry in motion, I'm sure.

Golly, that was fun!

Yep, I did it. I went in the Pride Run in full royal regalia. I ran okay. I eventually caught up to B!ll Gr@ham, Fresh's boss, and ran with him. We ended up crossing the finish line together amid a flurry of flashes, so it's entirely possible that we might be in Xtra or Fab next week. The announcer said, "And here comes B!ll Gr@ham, Fore!gn Aff@irs M!nister with the Queen of the Riding." Oh, I'm loving that! Next stop: my own program on City-TV.

Boomer was there and took some pictures. Fresh was there too with Ice Prince. IP was wearing a purple crushed velvet jester's hat with stars.

I did not however, see Mikevil. I was very disappointed and nearly cried, but then I remembered I was wearing mascara.

So pictures will be up early next week.

I'm so proud of me! Hurrah me!

Waiting for Those Creative Juices (now 99.9% pulp-free)
I owe Grumpy and Lola each a song. Technically, I owe Boomer a song too, but he gave before the incentive plan and had a full day of blogging devoted to him instead.

Busy day. Songs will follow. Thanks to all of my sponsors (check out the Glacier of Gratitude)! More later, I hope.

Whoa Oh! Take The Money And Run

Hey you! Yes, you.

I'm running in the Pride and Remembrance Run on Saturday in a purple fur trimmed cape, tiara and gloves (and something underneath the cape I'm sure.)

I'm looking for a few good sponsors.

Is supporting people with AIDS not a good enough incentive? Fine. For your donation, you will receive:

$5 Your name on the Ice Queen's Glacier of Gratitude (to be put here on the blog)
$10 Poem Written especially for you by The Ice Queen
$20 Song Written to the tune of another song written especially for you by the Ice Queen
$30 Copy of Ice Queen's Fashion Cares DVD
$40 Book from the Ice Queen's personal library for you to keep forever with a personalized inscription
$50 Ice cube tray (local sponsors can choose to also have ice cubes in tray at no extra cost!)
$100 Pan of my world famous brownies
$200 Lock of hair (act before noon Thursday, I'm getting my hair cut)
$500 Photo of me naked (Disclaimer: I'm about 3 months old in the photo.)

Go to the link on the left and give it up for the Ice Queen!

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Crabby Says®, Now Appearing in the Icicle Fief!
Today’s Guest blogger is Crabby! Here’s what’s on her mind today:

Stupid things I said when I was young(er), that I now rescind:
Feta cheese stinks. I hate it.
I will never be too busy to talk to you.
I want to be an airline stewardess.
My sister is a pain in the ass.
I prefer male friends to female friends.
Bagged salad? How pathetic.
James Bond? How pathetic. (Actually, I still say this.)
I will never have unprotected sex.
I will never have sex on a first date.
I want to have twins.
Cats are filthy and disgusting.
I will never have plastic surgery.
I don't want to be rich.
I will always vote for the good, not to get rid of the bad.

IQ’s editorial comment: Personally, I still think bagged salad is pathetic. And I never use it all, and then it goes all slimy. May as well bulk buy a small quantity of mesclun.

Happy Birthday, Crabby!

I'm cleaning out my hard drive for a conversion tomorrow night. I found this from last year:

Good Mother

I've got crackers in my pocket
I ‘ve got rice in my hair
I've got a kid who loves me
Got a trike, I've got some cats
I am a good mother
And his voice is what wakes me up
(chorus)
Milk on ground
‘Ghetti in hand
Facing backwards
On the bus
I've, I've never wanted sleep
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted sleep
So bad... so bad
Trail of Cheerios wherever we've been
Thrown out with all the crayoned, ripped up,
Peed on, God Damned upholsteries
You could say he’s hard to hold
But if you knew him you'd know
I've got a strong son
And his strength is what makes me spry
(chorus)
I've got cookies in my pocket
I’ve got cheezies in my hair
I've got a kid who loves me
Got a kiss, I've got a hug
I’m a good mother
And my voice is what keeps him here
“Feet on ground
Boots on feet
Facing forward
Behave yourself
Just sit down
Tongue off seat
Facing forward
Behave yourself
Just behave yourself
Just behave yourself”
Juice on ground, snack in hand
Snack on ground, snack in hand

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
Ice Prince was dragging out chairs and plates yesterday.
“I’m having a ‘because’ party.”
“What’s a because party?”
“Because I want to have one.”

Ice Queen: The Opera
I have decided that there is no need to train myself silly for the Pride Run. There’s no way in hell I’ll finish. I might make it to Queen’s Park. Maybe. I have planned instead to win “Best Dressed.”
Ice Prince and I went through his costume box yesterday. He has chosen for himself a hot pink, neon green and yellow spandex body suit with gold sequin trim and a green crown. Fresh has changed his mind about taking him to Golden Griddle while I run. I could put him (IP) in the big ass stroller and just “trot”. He looks so good! Maybe we could just walk together. Actually, he can really boogie sometime. It could be fun….

As for my costume, I’m having problems. But here’s where I’m going at lunch today:

“Dress like a Diva! Canadian Opera Company Costumes on sale
The COC will be holding a Costume Sale on Monday, June 21, 2004 from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. A variety of shoes, dresses, jackets, shirts, pants, skirts, and hats in various sizes and styles will be up for grabs. Come and be transformed into your favourite Diva/Divo fantasy, be it a French Princess, Moravian peasant, fantastical animal or another character. Prices start at $1 and all sales are cash only—bring your own bag.

The sale will take place at the Joey and Toby Tanenbaum Opera Centre at 227 Front St. E. Proceeds will go to the COC.”

Wish me luck!

Horrifying and Yet You Can’t Look Away
Got the fancy new laptop. Saw the DVD. Ice Prince laughed and laughed. “Mommy’s singing and dancing! Show me again!” Laugh, little man, laugh. And remember the humiliation your mother can create in front of your friends should you ever decide to misbehave as a teenager.

The first 20 seconds are pretty damn fine. Then the back up dancers come in and confuse me.

My Gift To You
Busy today, possums, but here's a little treat to waste your time on a summery Friday:

The Coolest Song Bits of All Time!

Agree? Disagree? Feel free to suggest your own.

Before and After Ice Queen
Thanks to Radmila for the great portrait maker.

(That's a microphone, okay? No comments from the peanut gallery. I said peanut!)

Ice Queen's Debate Summary

Stephen Harper: Has been studying old tapes of Mulroney and Kennedy. Excellent delivery. Calm under pressure. Nice hair. Shame about their platform. The 21st Century called. You’re invited to join us.
Paul Martin: Too well-briefed by his handlers and unable to ad lib where necessary. Too many mentions of the Royal Commission. All the years of being PM in waiting and now this?! Say it ain’t so! Chretien called. And laughed his ass off.
Jack Layton: Lovin’ the camera. Ooooo, yeah, who’s your daddy? Smiled so much at the camera, he almost appeared to be mocking the audience. Dr. McGillicuddy’s Travelling Circus called. They want their snake oil back.
Gilles Duceppe: I’m a sucker for an accent. Hey wait! There's no Bloc candidate in my riding. What a rip!

Result: I’m voting Green. Which is funny, because if they had actually included the Green Party leader, I might have changed my mind based on what he said. As is, I’m going by a lovely pamphlet. And I read that if the Green Party gets enough of the vote (2%? 4%? I have a short attention span) that they get funding for research. They’ll get something like $1.25 per vote. You’re welcome, Jim.

Baby, I’m a Star!
Well, here they are. Like I said, I’m busy today, so feel free to come up with your own witty depreciating comments for these:




New Readers: This is me singing at Fashion Cares. Yes, I was the opening act for Miss Patti Labelle. On another stage. In another room. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Note: My contact lenses hadn't come in yet. Sigh.

Afternoon Delight
Coming this afternoon: stills from the Ice Queen's Debut Music Video. Watch for it!

(With thanks to Boomer, Queen's Official Multimedia Artist)