The Royal Birthday Season Is Upon Us
Sideways is a movie best enjoyed with a wine snob you love. It is a great movie -- funny, heartwarming, heartbreaking and most of all very real. Well, except for the part where...anyway. Go see it and enjoy it. Here's one of my favourite quotes:

Jack: If they want to drink merlot, we're drinking merlot.
Miles: No, if anyone orders merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any merlot!

Today the wee Ice Prince turns four. Unbelievable. I will be wearing my pleather pants and entertaining the neighbours and their offspring with such classics as Head and Shoulders Knees and Toes. Actually, THAT'S the unbelievable part. But true. IP is ready to dance and play his guitar. I've got pirate loot for everyone, a great big dress up trunk, pizzas and a cake that, if all goes well in the next cople of hours, will be in the shape of a pirate ship. Really! I'll show you later.

For now, have to run.

Those participating in La Fete de la Reine can meet at Cafe Volo (NE corner of Yonge and Dundonald, just north of Wellesley.) at noon tomorrow, the 31st. I'll be wearing my pink mink. And a smile.

Oh, and remind me to tell you the story about the guy who tried to pick me up after the movie while Fresh was procuring us a latte. Great fun. The girl still has it!

Suffering Queen Withdrawal?
"But my liege!" you cry "What gourmet delecacies have you submitted your royal guests to this holiday season?"

Christmas Eve:
Crown Roast of Pork with Apricot/Walnut/Sausage Stuffing
Roasted Brussel Sprouts and Carrots
Spiced Yam Pudding
Trunips with Bacon and Peas
Chocolate Bread Pudding
Chudleigh's Apple Pie (when it comes to apple, I don't even try to compete)

As mentioned, it was tourtiere and flourless chocolate cake last night. On la Fete De La Reine, my exclusive dinner guests will dine on Red Wine Braised Lamb Shank and Roasted Mediterranean Vegetable Salad.

Tomorrow, Fresh is taking me to see the movie Sideways and out for lunch for my birthday - it's the only day we have free together when Ice Prince is in daycare.

And how was my Christmas? All in all, great. The best part was on Sunday night when IP and Fresh and I were alone and after dinner we three sat and played IP's new guitars and drum and sang Away in a Manger. That memory will stay with me a long time.

Oh, and Fresh got me The Daily Show's America: Democracy Inaction. It rocks.

Missed Me, Missed Me, Now You've Got To Kiss Me!
Hello, possums!

Busy, busy baking tourtiere and flourless chocloate cake for the inlaws. Ice Prince is currently elbow-deep in a bowl of melted chocolate. Should have more time for blogging tomorrow.

4 days until the Queen's Birthday - an internationally holiday celebrated by all. See you soon!

A Quiet and Peaceful Moment to Blog
It's 6 o'clock in the morning and it's STILL snowing. Those of you who recall Fresh's slipped disk will understand why this matters to me.

Bad stuff: I arrived to pick up Ice Prince last night only to be told that the gift exchange is tomorrow. What gift exchange you might well ask? Because that's what I asked too. Suffice it to say that I ran to Shoppers and bought an armful of cartoon-based tree ornaments. Who'd have thought my Muslim daycare provider would encourage a Christmas gift exchange? What-ever! They were this close to all getting pine scented air fresheners from the local 7-ll. THIS close!

Good stuff: Boomer gave me my birthmas present already and it is lovely. Really lovely! And I gave him a homemade mix CD with a picture on the cover of me picking my nose. I'm class all the way! Thank you, Boomer!

Had a meeting with my boss yesterday. "Looks like you're done everything, " she said. "Yup," said I. "Well then, just go home! Or go shopping or something!" I like my boss.

Sent out Ice Prince's birthday party invites. I've only invited 3 kids (well, 5 because two have baby brothers.) I didn't invite any of the kids from daycare, just kids from school/our street and I WILL NOT feel guilty. I want to retain my sanity and besides, they'll have their pine scented air fresheners to comfort them upon being left out of the party of the year. IP has chosen a pirate theme - I am very proud of him.(It's probably just an excuse for him to wear a blouse and an earring.)

Speaking of birthday party of the year, we WILL be doing La Fete de la Reine on noon December 31st at Cafe Volo. I do want manicures, but I'm not sure I can find a place that'll do so many of us at once. And I'm too busy to check right now. If anyone is bored and feels like sourcing manicures around Yonge and Wellesley for the 31st, feel free.

Change is Good
Yep, changed the titlebar. That picture was taken this morning in the photo booth in the subway. My melon isn't really that big. Isn't my hat cute?

Naughty or Nice?

The Scented Candle Must Die
My workstation is exuding a scanted candle smell that is DRIVING ME MAD!!!! MAD I TELL YOU!

I cannot for the life of me figure out where this smell is coming from. It's giving me a headache. It seems to be emanating from the keyboard and wafting up as I type, but that's crazy, right?

Right?

Pew!

Shhh…..

Guess what I got Fresh for Christmas? Guitar lessons! He’s wanted some forever, but it’s the sort of thing you rarely splurge on yourself. He can then teach Ice Prince, who has asked Santa for a guitar. I liked the teacher’s course outline. Here are some of the songs they play:
Champagne Super Nova (Oasis)
Don't Look Back in Anger (Oasis)
Wonderwall (Oasis)
Lay Down Sally (Eric Clapton)
Dumb (Nirvana)
Jesus Don't Want Me (Nirvana)
No Rain (Blind Melon)
Harvest (Neil Young)
Knockin' on Heaven's Door (Bob Dylan)
If I Had A Million Dollars (Barenaked Ladies)
Elderly Woman (Pearl Jam)
Runaway Train (Soul Asylum)
Mr. Jones (Counting Crows)
Wheat Kings (Tragically Hip)
Let it Be (Beatles)
Eight Days A Week (Beatles)
Edmund Fitzgerald (Gordon Lightfoot)
Tonite, Tonite (Smashing Pumpkins)
Give Me One Reason (Tracy Chapman)
Wonderin' Where The Lions Are (Bruce Cockburn)

Funky Fresh! Coming to a café near you!

In other news, we’ve been in our house for three Christmases. I opened up all the cards last night that we got in the mail, but I didn’t recognize the names in one. I looked at the envelope, and it was addressed to the former owners. Now, how friendly are you with someone if you don’t know that they moved THREE YEARS AGO? But what worried me was that it read: “Love, Abi and Greg. Cain and Theo. See you on the 27th!” Guess I better throw on another couple of chops, eh?

News Flash
Royal Family (Queen Mum and Dad) arrive in Toronto several days early to avoid freezing rain.

The coldest day of the year and I have limo service.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

And as it should be, natch.

No, it’s NOT that time of the month
Ah……the busiest part of the year has now ended. Well, the part at work anyway.

It’s been a crazy three weeks:
Totally gutted basement
Fresh slipped a disk gutting the basement.
Finished gutting it myself and prepared for new carpet
Fed Fresh Percoset
Wrote and administered six town halls in nine locations in two countries (no I didn’t travel)
Wrote a 7 page newsletter (was supposed to just edit but no one can write to my standards).
Planned and hosted two office holiday parties.
Sent handmade Christmas cards (yesterday, so watch your mailbox)
Made 6 dozen chocolate covered pretzels (2 dozen at my desk. Come and get ‘em!)
Dealt with spawn of Satan (actually spawn of Fresh) almost 4 year old who if he could say “talk to the hand”, would

I’m so tired and post-stressy that I just burst out in tears if Fresh asks me where I store the coffee, or anything else for that matter.

Sunday morning at 7:50 am our power went out. So we went for breakfast at the Tulip. I figured Ice Prince would be continuing with the Demon Seed from Hell behaviour, but he was absolutely adorable and ate 4 giant pancakes, two of which were on my plate. So that was nice. The power was back on when we got home at 3 pm. Then I burst out in tears. Again.

I am hosting and posting over at Wanda’s tomorrow, so drop by. “It’s the most Wandaful time of the year!”

What Kind of Pirate Am I?

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

It’s Getting Better All the Time
I am THIS close to being done all my major projects before the holidays. Tomorrow is payday. My dear friends Crabby and the Sister gave me a spa gift certificate for my birthday (yes, my birthday is on the 31st, but this is so that I can be waxed and buffed and ready for the party season.) Keep those gifts coming! I’ve got an appointment to get my highlights updated. Tomorrow is our office party. Life is good.

But I need to finish making my Christmas cards tonight.

The IP Report
I sent Ice Prince off to school today with a tin full of oatmeal craisin cookies. He shook the tin most of the way, so it was probably just a big ol’ tin of oatmeal when he got there. Sugary buttery oatmeal. Mmmmm…..

I asked what he wanted to get his teacher. “A name tag. With flowers.” Yeah, whatever. I think we’ll make her a card.

Today, he was wearing a sweatshirt, concept by Ice Queen, tailoring by Ice Queen Mum. It says “Naughty or nice?” and has a check box next to each. There is a little ribbon on a pin and you can mark which he is that day. His morning, he was naughty. For Easter, he had a shirt that had fluffy chicks on it and it said “Chick Magnet”. And he’s also got a wee apron that says “Short Order Chef”. I really do think if my mom brought her stuff to Toronto, we could make a bundle selling these little gems.

Restores My Faith in the Season. And in Bunnies.
It'a A Wonderful Life in 30 Seconds by the Bunny Players.

From what I remember of the movie, the only thing left out is falling in the pool. Otherwise, it's all there!

Joan Crawford, Formerly Known as Ice Queen
So apparently, to be a good mom, I have to buy the teacher a present and make nut-free treats for tomorrow. All the cool moms are doing it.

Bloody, bloody, bloody.

Crabby and Sister and coming over tonight for wine. Maybe we can make some rude shaped gingerbread cookies to send with Ice Prince tomorrow.

As for a present, when I was in school, it was against school policy to give your teacher a present, because it was unfair to the poorer kids. Some kid's mom asked me if I wanted to contribute to a gift certificate and I told her this. I haven't heard from her since. Did I ice her? But all the other kids were toting prezzies to school today and tomorrow's the official party, so I'd better manage something. Oh yeah, and payday is two days away, Fresh took the bottle of wine I had planned to serve tonight and I'm serving whatever is in my cupboard to the girls this evening - lots of orzo. So the teacher may be getting a gently used book or Christmas ornament at this rate. I've got a book called "I Don't Know How She Does It". In the first chapter, the mom is sprinkling icing sugar over store bought mince tarts to take into school so they look homemade. That'd be appropriate eh?

Still crazy busy at work, but thought I'd vent for a moment. If it's Tuesday, it must be Belgium.

Wine sounds real good.

Cool Dude of the Day: Joseph

Think about it. The guy marries Mary. They’re married, but she’s still a virgin. So he’s not getting any. And then Mary comes home and says “I’m pregnant, but I’m still a virgin.”

If this scenario would played out on Jerry Springer, what do you think would have happened?

Plus Joseph never gets any credit. Sure, Mary’s the Mother of God, but what’s Joseph? Not the father. He’s like the Step-Father of God. You think it was easy raising Jesus? "Close the door. What's the matter with you, were you born in a barn?"

So give it up for Joseph!

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast
Well, it was that kind of week. I managed to pull off a shipload of high visible projects at work, backwards in high heels even!

It culminated in the first of TWO office Christmas parties (we have a big honkin' department and I serve both halves. And I mean serve in the non-prono way. Naughty! Santa's watching, you know.) Anyhow, the SVP seemed a bit concerned about the place I had chosen. Not sure why - probably because it wasn't a pub. He loves pubs. This was a lounge. With beads and low cubes to sit on and posters for something called SpankDelicious (I had to phone Boomer and share.) And this half of the department is known for being rather, well, mature and conversative.

Well! the SVP heartily shook my hand four times telling me that it was "a perfect party", "The best yet".

I managed to get squeezed and pinched a fair bit by two older men who thought I was the cutest thing. I was able to shut them down politely with several witty barbs and my boss later said: "I can't believe they said that to you, but you handled it perfectly."

Ice Prince has been sick all weekend. Projectile vomiting. Call the Priest.

Now on to next week. And getting my homemade Christmas cards out. Finally. If I can keep IP from tossing up his oatmeal on them. (Aw, what the hell. Looks decorative.)

Don't firget to RSVP for La Fete de la Reine: Because It's Always Noon Somewhere!

Don We Now Our Gay Apparel
It's the event of the season:

La Fete de la Reine!: Otherwise known as The Ice Queen's birthday.
This is traditionally celebrated by Boomer, Beco and Lola feting me with lunch. After lunch last year, we got fake tattoos.

For the 3rd Annual Fete de la Reine, we will be lunching downtown, and the event for this year will be Manicures and Pedicures! (Or just manicures. Or maybe waxing. I don't have all the details worked out yet. Something spa-ish and girly.)

Date: December 31st (yes, that's really my birthday)
Time: Noonish
Place: Downtownish Toronto (traditionally Café Volo at Yonge and Dundonald)

Please RSVP if you would like to join us for lunch and/or the Spavaganza.

And how old am I? A lady never tells. But since I'm no lady, I can tell you that I'm 36. that doesn't seem possible, but it's true.

"That look you were going for? You missed."
Still busy. Enjoy a mid-80s pic of me with Santa.

Al meets Keef
Really really busy this week.

Enjoy this picture of me and Fresh at a Hallowe'en party. Then go see Benjamin, he's got a cool blogger interactive thing going on today which I will attend to when I have time.



Kiss kiss!

One of My Seasonal Favourites

I’m class all the way, dollface
Mikevil (who seems to be inspiring me lately) has written today about his tasteful Christmas tree.

Here are some of the tasteful things that appear on MY tree:
Plastic vampire teeth
Canadian flag (used to be held by the angel until we got a new angel)
Cardboard VIA Rail train (I think Stace and I got these on the train up to see my parents in first year university)
Wooden circus tiger with a feathered headdress
A life-sized jewelled banana
Lots of fake birds with real feathers

Can’t remember what else. (Friends may wish to add to the list if they remember anything.)I’ll update you when we unpack the tree. Probably December 18th.

What to Give the Girl Who Wants Everything?
Did I mention that my birthday is coming up? 29 shopping days left!

The Gift That Keeps on Giving
I’ll Make My ‘O’ Face
Batter up!
Sometimes, Slow Can Be Good Too
Baby You Can Light My Fire
Ribbed for Your Pleasure
Our Compliments
Bonsai!
Give Me Your Answer True

In Honour of George Bush's Visit

An Apology to Americans
From This Hour has 22 Minutes
By Reporter 'Anthony St. George' (Performed by Colin Mochrie-after whom my son was named. If you ask me. If you ask Fresh, he's named after Colin Vaughan.)

"Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Sheriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry."

Well, that explains a lot...


Your romance is more of a love that needs to bloom
within, just like Hedwig of Hedwig and the
Angry Inch. The film features an East German
transsexual who is seeking her "other
half" after constant betrayal. You must
love yourself before you can need another.
You're starting to realize this, along with the
fact that you don't need a significant other to
be a complete person. Your "other
half" has been inside you all along.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

Incidentally, if you haven't seen Hedwig-do. Best movie about a botched sex change operation ever and great music. Would I lie?

Born to Be Wild

"Get your motor runnin'
Get out on the highway
Looking for adventure
In whatever comes my way..."

And for all the children of the world to join hands....
Real Press Release Excerpt: “The National Parenting Center (TNPC) has given a big thumbs up to FunSlides on their newly posted list of approved holiday toys. Strapped onto to any athletic shoes, FunSlides are designed to glide over carpet. Product testers especially appreciated the physical exercise FunSlides offer kids age 6 and up. And, the TNPC said parents liked how enthusiastic their kids were about the opportunity to get up and move!”

Is the TNPC chaired by Irwin Mainway? What the? I don’t know about you, but there is no room in my house where sliding across the rug would not result in you hitting something very hard, something very breakable, or possibly both. So I can see why kids would like it, but parents? And what kind of fat ass kid are you if sliding ten feet across your living room is considered good exercise? Do kids not normally have the opportunity to get up and move? What if the batteries are dead on the convertor?

Ice Prince is getting much safer things, from Mainway Toys:
• Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set
• Mr. Skin-Grafter
• General Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit
• Doggie Dentist
• Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk
• Bag O' Glass (We put a label on every bag that says, "Kid! Be careful - broken glass!")
• Bag O' Nails
• Bag O' Bugs
• Bag O' Vipers
• Bag O' Sulfuric Acid
• Invisible Pedestrian Costume ("It says right here - 'not for blind kids!'")

Song For Sister Staceypatrick on Her Just-Past Birthday
Went to Sister Stacey's* birthday party on Saturday. For a present, she was given her bellydance name. Last I heard it was: Nashita. I'll let Sis explain the significance and meaning, etc. But here's the song I promised her (not the full thing, I'll crazy busy here.)

Nashita (to that Elton John Tune)

Oh Nashita, is it cold
With your belly button swaying and exposed?
When you look out in the crowd
Nashita, do you count the tickets sold?

Oh Nashita, you will never know
How to fix your blogger code
Is it because you're getting so damn old?
Oh, whoa, Nashita, don't hit me -- ow!

*New readers, she's not my real sister, but she abuses me like one. And vice-versa.

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
So we took Ice Prince to see the Santa Claus Parade. We got there about a third of the way through. IP had a good spot and could see. He enjoyed it. Then, the rumbles began in the crowd. "Santa's coming! Santa's coming!"

IP was getting excited. The reindeer came into view, then Santa. "Merry Christmas!" he yelled "Merry Christmas!" Then the float moved on with Santa.

Ice Prince began to cry. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"He left!"
"Well, yes."
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but," he blubbered, "Where's my present? He didn't bring me my present!"

What we have here is a failure to communicate. Which is very sad, considering my profession. I bought him a candy cane and all was well.

The Regina Monologues
I gave the royal court titles in the link list. If you don’t like yours, check this out for something more befitting.

I'm experimenting with the template. Be patient and kind.

Meme for a Friday
Type each single letter of the alphabet in the address bar of your browser and list what the auto-complete function pulls up first. I think I first saw this at Paper Napkin and then at Reecie who got it somewhere else. You’re supposed to actually link the site, but I’m too bloody lazy for that nonsense.
A is for Accordion Guy
B is for Babelfish
C is for Chip Tijuana
D is for Dantallion
E is for Edition CNN
F is for Food 4 Epicurious
G is for garlicster.blogspot.com
H is for Harlequeen Romances
I is for Irascible Musings
J is for Job Search at Monster.ca
K is for Kids Help Phone
L is for lamberrymere.blogspot.com
M is for Mikey The Legend
N is for Naditu (Sister Stace’s bellydance site)
O is for some Microsoft Office site.
P is for Paper Napkin
Q is for Quizilla
R is for Reecie.com
S is for Scream for Ice Queen
T is for Toronto IABC
U is for nothin’
V is for Vintage Art Posters
W is for nothin’
X is for nothin’
Y is for nothin’
Z is for nothin’

If the Ice Queen Does It, Everybody ‘Jumps’ On the Bandwagon

David Lee Roth is training to be a paramedic. Only I could make saving lives cool in less than 48 hours!

I think I’m going to start a paramedic team and make it full of 80s Music Stars. Let’s see:
David Lee Roth (natch) Jump! Clear!
Cyndi Lauper (“I Drove All Night Just To Get To You”)
Black Michael Jackson (he’s already got one glove)
Right Said Fred “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, tell me where it hurts. I’m too sexy for my cat, think you might need a CAT scan, get me 10 cc’s, stat!” Plus he might had to rip off his shirt to bandage someone.
Bryan Adams (because he’s going to Run To You. And Everything He Does, He Does It For You.)

Who else is in?

It’s all fun and games until……

I enjoyed my First Aid course yesterday so much (picture above is really from my handbook I received) I just may volunteer with St John Ambulance. Suffering from heatstroke at the Ex? It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s SUPER ICEQUEEN!

“But didn’t it bother you touching people?” said Boomer. Apparently my Iciness is legendary.

But it didn’t. I guess because people who are that badly hurt or unconscious can’t talk back.

Ah, I love the smell of latex gloves in the morning...it smells like victory.

New Novel Bits
Two new episodes at Harlequeen Romances (the novel I'm writing for Nanowrimo). Sheryl finally appears and Stacey gets naked. And there are uniforms too! In the next episode, find out what's new with Outlaw, Mikael's faithful German Shepherd.

Turn Your Head And Cough
So today I was up at Megabank’s training centre to learn all about First Aid.
1. I hit my head during one of the role playing scenarios. (The instructor told me to pretend to go unconscious. I’m a method actor!)
2. One fellow participant claimed a) his parents said it was unsafe to sleep with his dog (pets suck up all the oxygen!) b) his parents said it was unsafe to sleep with plants in the room (they take your oxygen!) c) a restaurant owner once cured his burned hand by plunging it into a can of tomatoes d) his mom once healed his knife wound by putting Folger’s coffee grounds on it.
3. I’m pretty good under pressure! No, really! It’s great because my penchant for lightening the atmosphere with lame jokes and patter distracts the patient from the fact that I am poking and prodding them. Maybe I should change career streams?
4. I have a stress headache from dealing with fake trauma all day. Or maybe it’s from hitting my head on the floor. Anyone know First Aid?

So if you ever need someone to pound on your chest or give you mouth to mouth, call me, baby. But you have to buy me dinner first.

Speaking of back….

Sister Staceypatrick’s blog is back from the dead. If you like bellydancing and dislike insurance companies, this is the blog for you! I have to endorse it because she’s my oldest friend. (And getting older by the minute. Hah!)

Crabby’s been back for a while, taking on the hardhitting issues and nearly barfing on her cat. And Chip, of course, is like the little brother we never had.

Speaking of little brothers, I also enjoy Mikey the Legend, which I find to be very Catcher-in-the-Rye for the new millennium.

I Didn't Cheat. Honest.

You're an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creature, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and family are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
can always apologize later!

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by

Winter Fashion Chez Ice
On my day off yesterday, I went to Zellers and bought:
A pair of aqua blue Muggs for me (a cheap knock off of Uggs boots). Warm ‘n’ toasty! Went for a walk in them and they made my feet sweat!
A pair of Spiderman winter boots for the Prince. Spidey’s eyes light up when he walks.
A red and navy Nordic flap hat with a big tassel for IP

Ice Prince loved his new gear so much, he curled up in an armchair hugging his loot and refused to put them down until dinner was ready. He also ripped off his hat at the school door and proudly showed it to his teacher, explainingg that it matches his Spidey boots which he didn’t wear today because it wasn’t snowing yet..

Christmas Presents
Once again, the Queen will be making her Christmas presents. I can’t tell you this year’s idea because some of you may be recipients, but it is edible (at least, that’s the plan….)

Past Ice Queen Homemade Triumphs include:
Tile coasters with Jack Handey quotations on them
Infused olive oil
Biscotti
Chocolate truffles
Russian nesting dolls, handpainted to look like all family members (for my mom) – I should get a picture of these for the blog!
Bird house handpainted to look like Glencoe Train Station (for my Dad)
Handknit scarf for Fresh that turned out to be about 12 feet long and 2 feet wide.

Because I can't say it any better
What Dan says.

Busy writing my novel on the bus (Sheryl is about to appear!) and doing work here at work. You know.

Go visit Izzle Pfaff! He makes me laugh. Today's post is good, but my favourite is here.

Today in Ice Queen History
Here's a golden oldie from Nov. 8, 2003:

"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Kodos": The Ice Queen's Election Special

A piece on the ol' blamblog has inspired a new tune. Brett ponders: If Miller looks like a mayor and thinks like a mayor, does he smell like a mayor? The Icicle Fief went straight to the Ouija Board to ask the world's foremost expert, Kurt Cobain:

Smells like David Miller

Load up on Pez and
Bring your friends
No fun to lose
I won’t pretend
I don’t just run
To pay the rent
Got to go meet
Some constituents

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Must admit I’ve got great hair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Though Babs thinks it unfair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
They’ve been hintin’
I’m like Clinton
Eating Cheetos
In my speedo
Yeah

Babs got worse, failed the test
And for this gift I feel blessed
She’s pretty cute though, she’s no hag
She vaguely looks like me in drag

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Only ran on a dare
Here I am now
I am your mayor
Look sincere, like I care
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Don’t like jets
Don’t incinerate
Reduce murder
Have some burgers
Yeah!

And why am I
So squeaky clean?
Use Irish Spring
And some Brylcreem
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello
Not like Thatcher, more like Blair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Did I mention, my great hair?
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Tom is E.T.
John is needy
Babs is biding
Tory’s bribing
Yeah, a denial
A denial
A denial...

Go on out and vote for the candidate of your choice. And don't forget to take your Pez.

(This post was in no way paid for by the Campaign to elect David Miller. Unfortunately. But if the campaign would like to send along some money retroactivately, that'd be grand. Thanks.)

Three new posts up on Harlequeen Romances. Check it out!

Seen yesterday written on a very dusty pick-up truck: "I wish my wife was as dirty as my truck."

Nanowrim-oh!
Things are really moving at Harlequeen Romances. I'm 8.17% done! And it's only the beginning of Day 5. (For new readers: I am part of a challenge whereby I have to write a 50,000 word novel between Nov 1st and Nov 30th.) Am I going to make it? Stay tuned.

I welcome any comments or suggestions, especially since the novel is all about YOU. What do you think should happen next?

For serious novel writing, get your box of kleenex and head over to Mikevil's Bathmat Cat book. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Wanda killed off her main character in Chapter One and Surly managed a naked man in the shower on page one. I'm still trying to catch up on all my reading.

But if you only read one, make it mine. Because it's all about wine, prostitutes, strippers, cooking, cats, a German Shepherd and all your favourite Ice Queen regulars.

A Few Good Men
Wanda is in mourning about the election results and one of her readers suggested that she could marry a Canadian and move here, since we allow same sex marriage in this enlightened country.
So let’s start up that Underground Maleroad.

Canadian boys and girls, are you ready to give up your singlehood to save an American?

Americans, are you ready to embrace this godless country of pot smoking sodomites?

Orientation classes will include the topics:
Food: You’ve Always Got Time for Tim Hortons
Language: Why does May 24 not always fall on the 24th?
Money: How to tell the difference between Canadian currency and Canadian Tire Money
Manners: Saying “You’re Welcome”
Music: Learning to Love Ron Sexsmith and Rufus Wainwright
Art: Group of Seven Actually Had Eight Members
Film: Sarah Polley must appear in all Canadian films or a disclaimer must be run.
Seasons: Construction and Winter

Please attach applications for immigrating or for sponsoring an American in the comments section.

More Fine Literary Offerings
If my own pallid prose isn't up to snuff, there's an ongoing story on the ol'Blamblog, in which I persuade Chip (who is channelling Bones McCoy) to join me on the dark side. Or is it the light side? Only my squid monkey minions know for sure.

(Oh, and I seem to have gotten Bill Clinton killed. Oopsie!)

And They're Off!
My first post is up on Harlequeen Romances. Please remember:
1. Quantity, not Quality
2. Although a character may be named after you and may share many of your qualities, it is FICTION. It's not you. I'm not insulting you or making fun of you. Well, maybe just a little. But you're free to write your own novel about me too.
3. I'm doing this quickly. I'm trying to get a plot of some sort rolling, so I'll probably be a bit short on descriptions for a while.

Coming soon, in this order:
Scenes with
Markus!
Lily!
Bunny!
Benjamin!
Lisa!
Wanda!

Icy, Don’t Eat It!
(named after the always hilarious regular feature on The Sneeze)

Ice Prince’s Loot:
12 O’Henrys
8 Reeses Peanut butter Cups
3 Aero Bars
2 Caramilks
1 Mars bar
1 Crunchie bar
Assorted Rockets, suckers, toffees
1 set of Gummy Fangs (IP ate these first, in one bite. I thought he was going to choke.)
1 super cool Sponge Bob Squarepants toothbrush

And three of these:


Just opened it. Looks like a normal pink hard candy. Tastes like……
Tomato. And a bit of plum. Quite nice, actually.

(Yes, I steal candy from my kid. And this’ll probably be the last year I can so hush!)

Eeeewww….it’s getting a lot more tomato-y as I get nearer the centre.

Ice Queen Breaks Personal Fashion Barrier

You know the tune…

I've never seen you looking as shiny as you do today
I've never seen you dressed this way
I've never seen so many men ask you why you’re wearing pants
I know they kill the romance, but give ‘em half a chance
I have never seen those pants you're wearing
How the highlights from the vinyl catch your eyes, I have been blind
The lady in pleather is working with me, just down the street
There’re not even black, you’re wearing brown (looks good with the crown)
But I hardly know the Ice Queen by my side
I'll never forget, the way you look tonight

Report from the Schoolyard
Last school day before Hallowe’en, and on Ice Prince’s calendar, in big letters, it says “Wear Your Costume Today!”

Naturally, it took 15 minutes of negotiations to get him to put his winter coat on over his outfit. We started walking to school. No costumes on any of the kids. “Oh no, “ I thought, “Did I get the day wrong? Will IP be humiliated by being the only one wearing a costume and be scarred for life”? Then I see a kid with some face paint.

Go into the schoolyard. No costumes, turn the corner to the kindergarten doors and suddenly they’re all wearing costumes! What a relief!

You’ve all seen IP’s costume (see below). ALL of the girls were dressed as princesses except one who, god love her, was dressed as Superman. Or supergirl. I was so pleased! Half the boys were dressed as ninjas. What the - ?! Are ninjas popular with the under 3ft crowd? There must be some cartoon that IP doesn’t watch.

IP’s teacher was a fortune teller and another teacher was Betty Boop (looked great!)

I never wore a princess outfit. My first outfit of my own choice was a Red Mouse. (Mom made the costume.) Others have included:
Miss Piggy
Edith Prickley (Fresh was Napoleon – he’s 6 foot 1 – ha!)
Keith Richards (Fresh was Al Yankovic. I MUST find the picture for you.)
Madonna with cone bra
Ginger Spice (that was the year we went to Buddies in Bad Time’s party.)

What have been some of YOUR costume triumphs?

My Civic Duty as an Ice Queen
I can't leave you without homework. I just can't.

If they were to make a movie out of my novel, who would play you (e.g. Mikevil = Rutger Hauer) and who would play the other bloggers?

There. Go forth and be creative.

P.S. In the novel I am now Stacey's best friend and Lisa is now the owner of a Cooking School/Restaurant with a soft spot for cats.

Do Not Adjust Your Set
Rough times here in the Icicle Fief. I'll post when I can, but I'm not feeling full of the old bon homie these days.

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. (That used to scare the HELL out of me when I was a kid and I just rememebred it. That would've been early 70s. Do they not do that anymore? Why not? Because it scares the hell of of four year olds?)

Browse the archives, if you like. Lots of good stuff, such as poems about IKEA, Simpsons discussions and songs galore!

Tea. A Civilized Way to Spend an Afternoon.
So, my Aunt Susan took me for Edwardian Tea at Spadina House yesterday. It was lovely. The lace curtains, the antiques, the delicate tea cups, the wee sandwiches, the sweets made from traditional recipes, the table full of vicars, the yelling, the screaming…

Errrr…yes. I thought perhaps we were on Candid Camera. At the beginning, the lady welcoming us had to tell a very loud table to pipe down so she could talk. It was very noisy. Aunt Susan had some raunchy conversation about a video going on behind her and then a woman at the table next to us started yelling: “You’ve got some f’ing nerve! Who the hell do you think you are?” And so on, for quite a bit. I thought perhaps she was telling a story, quoting someone, but I turned and saw that she was red faced, half out of her seat yelling at her tea companion. It was ever so lovely.

More tea?

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
Ice Prince and his G.P. just finished having chicken noodle soup for lunch.

IP stared at G.P. for a sec and then said "You should put on some hair."

My mother is still laughing.

What I’m doing on my days off: A Photo Essay
(Click to enlarge photos)

Well first of all, I walked to the subway. Here’s a picture of a wall I often pass (Bay/Bloor area) that always makes me feel good.


Then my parents came to visit. Ice Prince has to try on his Tiger costume for them and demonstrate proper roaring technique.


Next day (Thursday) I spent with my Dad. First we had breakfast at The Tulip, a Queen Street tradition. Regular readers note that it’s across from the critter place and porno palace where Markus was so rudely accosted. That’s my Dad and what’s left of his breakfast.


Then we went to Value Village. Then we went to St Lawrence Market where Dad got lunch but couldn’t finish it because breakfast was so big. Can you see him at the counter?


St. Lawrence Market is great. The meat is great quality. The spelling? Not so much.


Then we drove out to Etobicoke to pick up my Mom who was visiting Aunt Susan. We ran into a Simpsons fan on our way (not literally.) Up and at them!


Then I remember being at the Old Mill one time and seeing the fish trying to jump the dam to go upstream to spawn. Here’s a pic with two fish circled.


Can’t see? How about now?


It’s really shallow there and you can actually see the fishs’ backs breaking the water as they swim to the dam.

And last night, I was showing Fresh how the camera works. Here he is with our cat Leo:


Thanks, Boomer, I’m having great fun with the camera!

I Love You, Oatmeal Man!
Sometimes as a treat I buy Ice Prince those Quaker Minis - caramel flavour, natch. He's got some as his snack at school today.

Anyhow, last night he looked at the bag and said: "Look, mommy! It's the Oatmeal Man! Why is the Oatmeal Man on our rice crispies bag?"

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
There is currently a severe poncho backlash going down on My Second Shelf Life and Fruit Coctail, to name a couple of blogs. No, I won't link. You know where they are.

Anyhow, my mom's made me a poncho and she's bringing it down tomorrow. Hereby requesting persmission from Boomer to keep the digital camera a couple of days more so as to display my poncho-y goodness. If I can't make a poncho look good, no one can.

Are you there God? It’s me, Ice Queen.
Wish me luck, girls. Lots going on, but if all goes well, a fantastic four day weekend including a date at a great restaurant with Fresh and he’s buying.

Send karma. Send gifts. Send mojo. Whatever you’ve got, send it on over.

Started reading the Pope’s Crossing the Threshold of Hope (borrowed from Crabby) last night and was pleasantly surprised to find myself enjoying it. Me! A lapsed generic protestant! Answers such questions as “Is there a God?” and “Why doesn’t God show himself rather than expect us to believe blindly?” A little biased, of course….

(In other news: Hootchie Mama continues to elude me.)

A Day in The Life of The Ice Queen
Boomer just dropped by with his digital camera to loan me, so I am going to put together a photo essay for your amusement and edification. this may take a day or two. I'll try to get Hootchie Mama, but she's been wearing pants lately and looking much less blatantly slut-ty.

Stay tuned!

Culture Corner
Sister Staceypatrick in a bunny outfit. (Look around, it's on her page.)

It’s raining leaves, hallelujah!
On Saturday, Fresh and I took Ice Prince to Riverdale Farm – a small working farm in the middle of Toronto. They have barns with horses and cows and goats and pigs and chickens. And a donkey. IP: “Hey donkey, I like your house! Mommy, the donkey’s not talking to me!” It’s free, so it’s a great thing to do with a kid.

We usually walk just past the duck pond to the meeting house. On Saturday, we went down a set of steps behind the meeting house and down a steep set of wooden stairs. Then we went under a stone bridge and suddenly there as a gorgeous hidden waterfall clattering down a cliff face. Another turn, and there was a smaller waterfall. Ahead, we found a silent and still pond iced with green algae and saw wood ducks with red heads perched on the wet black logs, further ahead – a tiny stone bridge and another pond, with a turtle sitting on a log and a muskat. It was so quiet and beautiful and such a surprise.

On the way home, we were walking through Cabbagetown past the Victorian townhouses. The day was grey with bits of sun streaming through the clouds. Suddenly, a huge gust of wind blew up and an enormous amount of fat yellow leaves rained down on us like confetti. It was one of the most magical things that’s happened to me in a long time.

Blogging on a Friday Night With the Girls
Stacey is crticizing my typing, so I am handinding (sic) over my bog (sic) to her.

Oh great ... I have the power ... hee hee hee ...

Apparently I'm supposed to write something deep and profound, but I don't think I've had quite enough Merlot, so somewhat shallow will have to do. Okay, so we just watched 13 Going on 30 - that's Icy, Crabby and I - and we're trying to decide who would play us at 13. I say the chick who played Blossom on that TV series would be best suited to play me at that age - mouthy with a big nose (and not much has changed). Icy says she'd be played by the little girl in the movie Ponette but I haven't a bloody clue who the hell she's talking about, though she says she'd be played by Mare Winningham if it was the 80's. Crabby wants to be played by Christopher Reeve's wife (let us all bow our heads in rememberance for dear Mr. Reeve). So, who would be you at 13? Please share.

Penises. Let us talk of penises. To circumsise or not circumsise - that is the question. Yeah or nay - what do you feel (or not feel as the case may be). Apparently I am being nagged to start a blog page again, but alas, I haven't. I've meant to, honestly I have. Somewhere this has lead again to my bellydancing, but I'm not quite as sure how we got there. They're talking about it and I'm just sitting here tipping and typing away, not speaking of my belly at all.

Can you drown in the shower? Icy seems to think not. I beg to differ. I mean, if the drain is badly clogged and you fall over face down, I mean, it's possible, right? Time for music ... just a sec ... okay, we have tunes! Crabby wore the wrong undies today. Icy says if you wear control top pantyhose you don't need panties 'cause they have the control top (riiiigggghhhtt ...). Sometimes Icy carries hers or the IPs panties in her purse, but never Fresh's. Though she does wear Fresh's boxers to bed, ones with tigers (oh my!). Fields of Gold is Icy's fave Sting song. Reminds her of Newfoundland.

Crabby is blowing her finger up. Is that rude? Icy says it sounds like her furnace. Crabby says Mr. Crab made a mistake (?!). Apparently we're onto poetry humour. This is novel to me - I hadn't realized there was humour in most poetry (unless it's a limmerick). Somehow this leads to Educating Rita. Never saw it myself, but Icy says it's good,like Bridge on the River Kwai but I haven't seen that one either.

Assonance - the sound made by the gas man (you had to be there).

"I've got Runnymede in my Spadina."

Cultural Naughtiness with Penises (okay, again, you have to totally have been there).

Now they're sniffing Jo's Boy's. Yeah, I know how that sounds, but really, I'm talking about a book, I swear!

IQ: (Sister Stacey has gone downstairs with Crabby to smoke a cigarillo and go home. Wuss! WUSS! Sorry. I mean, we love you dear Sister Staceypatrick and we wil miss you when you go. God Speed!)

Fresh Makes a Funny
Fresh works for the government. The Sex Workers Association was suppposed to drop by yesterday for a protest at his office (wanting to decriminalize prostitution). They never showed. Fresh said it was anticlimactic.

The Hot or Not List
Hot-Not
Pumpkin-Okra
Camel-Beige
Rats-Roaches
Soup-Lunchables
Coffee-Tea (total switch from last fall)
Hats, mitts and scarves-Being cold
Uvulas-Coccyxs
Suck it up-Pay it forward
Colcannon-Mashed Potatoes
Printing-Cursive (sure I know cursive: damn!)
Real Names-Blog Names
Tights-Legwarmers
Books-TV
Being outside-Being a couch potato
Red-Pink
Suede-Velour
Leather-Lace (“Give to me your leather, take from me my lace”)
Stevie Nicks-Julie Andrews
Napkins-Serviettes

Hot/Not suggestions for the Ice Queen's approval welcome.

Back By Popular Demand
Once again I’m getting lots of hits from google and yahoo looking for an Ice Queen costume (more than 50 hots so far). So here’s how to look like The Ice Queen:
Black nylons
Heels
Black Dress (add suit jacket for 'day' look)
Hoop earrings
Hair any colour but your own
Tiara (silver preferred)
Props: Bottle of wine and a baguette

Voilà! You're a Queen!*

* Yes, some of my readers are already queens. But not Queens.

Move Over Conrad, It's Ice Queen: The Publishing Mogul!
Announcing the new site for Harlequeen Romances! Romances that ignore the boundaries of gender and good taste. (We will also accept manuscripts from other writers. Maybe I can start a publishing empire!)

I'm still working on the cast of characters. The Lisa character is sounding more like me, so we may have to give Lisa a new character. Terry insisted I change his and Stephanie/Lola seems to be channeling Hootchie Mama.

Such fun! When November rolls around, I'll be posting my daily writing on the Hrlequeen site (thanks to Terry for the name.)

It's Like Looking In A Mirror

You are Liver Pate en Masque!! You are very, very
scary. Yet, somehow... erotic? No, just
scary.


What Weight Watchers recipe card from 1974 are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ice Queen's Novel, starring....YOU!
Because the whole theme of NaNoWriMo is “Quantity, Not Quality”, I have decided to write a Harlequin Romance.

They have writing guidelines and exercises and everything online. And they have all sorts of different series you can write for.

NaNoWriMo allows you to plan, but not write, before November 1st, so I’m working on my main character.

She’s a graphic designer who gets a job designing wine labels for a small family-run vineyard. She also ends up freelancing for a large mega-corp winery when something drastic happens. Naturally, both wineries are run by hunks who are bitter rivals. The mega-corp wants to shut down the family-run vineyard.

I have decided to name all of my characters after bloggers!

Stacey: the Heroine (because she was there for the original time we tried writing Harlequins in 1992.)
Lisa: the sharp-tongued best friend (because there always has to be one)
Mikael: the evil Danish mega-corp hunk (sort of Rutger Hauer-esque)
Markus: the kind Scottish hunk who runs the family vineyard
Sheryl: Markus’ mother. Doesn’t like Stacey, but may warm up when Stacey performs a feat of derring do
Terry: the colourful old-timer and caretaker who takes Stacey under his wing
Neil: the local journalist looking for dirt to advance his career
Eva: the cool Dutch beauty determined to steal Markus away
Outlaw: Mikael’s faithful and over-protective German Shepherd
Nathaniel: Wine critic.
Radmila: Wine critic
Wanda: Blowzy broad who runs the boarding house where Stacey is staying until she finds permanent accommodation.
Benjamin: Markus’ little brother. Usually causing trouble attributed to Stacey.
Lily: Marketing Head of Mega-Corp Winery
Brad Lamp: Stacey’s former design teacher. Cruel task-master or ally?

I see it as a cross between So I Married an Axe Murderer, Dynasty and Bridget Jones.

What do you think?

All the Cool Kids Are Doing It
Okay, I’m doing it. I probably won’t finish, but what the hell, eh? I’m going to write a novel in November. (I love the squirrel in the Acorn Viking Hat icon. That’s probably the main reason I decided to do it.)

I have a plan. An excellent plan for publication (Sister Staceypatrick may guess of what I speak). More on this tomorrow!

Sometimes You Have to Stop And Smell the Oatmeal and Give A Cuddle.
Instead of running this morning, I got up, did a load of laundry, hung it on the line outside. Unloaded the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher and washed all the wine glasses and pots. See mood stamp to left.

Gwyneth Paltrow is, according to the news, hiring a nanny to care for her 4 month old daughter because “I love her, but I’m no superhero!” Yeah, and I bet she doesn’t have to clean the house or cook or spend an hour trying to find a pair of nylons without runs whilst the oatmeally little urchin clings to her yelling “I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE!”

Sorry, did I say that out loud? Needless to say, I’m not wearing nylons this morning.

We Geniuses Are So Misunderstood
How was dinner, you may ask? Sigh. I cooked for three days. Everything was perfect. Perfect, I tell you. Everyone ate it. No particular raves. Sigh. My colcannon ROCKED! (that’s mashed potatoes, cabbage, bacon and butter) My curried pumpkin soup was ALMOST as good as Crabby’s – but it’s always better when someone else makes it.

This about sums up the evening:
Mother in law: What’s this black stuff?
Me: Portobello mushroom stuffing with walnuts and sage.
MIL: Oh. Okay. (eats it.)

Thank goodness my Aunt Susan was there to appreciate it.

My Son, Mr. Spock
As I mentioned, my cousin Kate got married over in Ireland. Aunt Susan, after dinner, went up to Ice Prince:
Aunt S: Do you want to go to Ireland with me?
IP: No.
Aunt S: Why not?
IP: It’s dark outside.
Aunt S: There are lots of nice animals like sheep and goats…
IP: But if we go now, we’d wake them up. They’re sleeping!


WWMCD? (What Would Mr. Crabby Do?)
Yesterday we took Ice Prince to a playground (The Beach for you Toronto people). It’s a HUGE fenced playground. HUGE, I tell you. Anyhow, one kid is sitting on a ride ‘em toy crying. For no particular reason. IP is standing there trying to figure out what the problem is and talking to him. (“Is he hurt, mommy? Are you hurt, little boy?) Finally, his mom (who is a cell phone) comes and gets him after about 5 minutes.

Half an hour later, I go for a coffee for Fresh and I and come back. Fresh says: “That kid there has no shoes, and doesn’t seem to have a parent watching.” I pointed out that his mom was the one on the cell phone. With the kid’s shoes at her feet. I got a look at her eyes, and she looked drugged out. Maybe she was phoning around for a fix. I kept half an eye on the kid and they eventually left. I still feel I should have done more – but what? Mr. Crabby would’ve given her what for.

You should see the size of my breast!
Yesterday at the St. Lawrence Market I bought a 9 pound boneless turkey breast. It's huge! It was pricey, but I always find it annoying and wasteful to have to carve around the bones, so this is pretty wicked cool.



I've got 12 or so people coming for Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday. Here's the menu:
Curried pumpkin soup
Maple glazed turkey breast
Mushroom walnut sage dressing
Parsnip and carrots matchstick with honey and cumin
Sesame green beans
Colcannon
Herbed cornbread
Pumpkin spice cake
Apple crisp
Pumpkin Ice Cream

If anybody has no plans and is in the neighbourhood, you're welcome to come.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!
Some food and drink quotes for your enjoyment. I’m taking Boomer and going to scout out pubs for our department Christmas party. On a sunny long weekend Friday. Sometimes, this job really is sweet.

"Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian,; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good." ~ Alice May Brock

"The most amazing thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found" ~ Calvin Trillin.

"He who drinks beer sleeps well. He who sleeps well cannot sin. He who does not sin goes to heaven. Amen" ~ German Monk

"Remember, beer has food value but food has no beer value." - Benjamin Franklin

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch." --Orson Welles

"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." -- Woody Allen

"Hey Man, I'm drinking wine, eating cheese and catching some rays." --Donald Sutherland as Oddball, in "Kelly's Heros"

(I'd been planning to ask you all what you're thankful for, but let's face it: I'm just not that deep. Ooooo...look! Something shiny!)

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty!
(during a discussion of what family members are coming for Thanksgiving)
IP: Lisa is your mommy.
Me: Huh? Why is Lisa my mommy?
IP: ‘Cause she’s the prettiest!
Me: Are you saying I’m not the prettiest?
IP: Lisa’s the prettiest ‘cause she has a necklace.
ME: Would I be pretty if I put on a necklace?
IP: No, but Lisa could give hers to you on Saturday and you could be pretty, but the dogs might need to lick it first, that’s why you can’t have it until Saturday. But Lisa is still the prettiest.
Me: What about Nana?
IP: Nana’s cute.
Me: When are you taking Lisa for fries?
IP: Soon. Can Paul drive us?

Ice Prince Speaks

What’s a good Hallowe’en costume for an adult?
IP: An elephant. Or a scary monster.

What’s your favourite song?
IP: O Canada. (Sings it)
“God keep our land, obvious and free…”

What’s your favourite instrument?
IP: A drum!

What does mommy do while you’re at school?
IP: She goes to work.
What does she do there?
IP: She works!

What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever seen mommy do?
IP: Dance!

What’s a good present for a one-year old boy?
IP: Bubblegum and candy.

Who’s your best friend at school?
IP: Nobody.

What’s the best thing about school?
IP: Gym.

What’s the worst thing about school?
IP: Nothing.

What do you want to be when you’re big?
IP: A firefighter!

When are you taking Crabby out for fries?
(answer very long and unintelligible, punctuated by jumping up and down.)

Can I have a bite of your Rice Krispy Square?
IP: No, you gave me this as my treat. If you wanted one, you should have got one for yourself.

Memories of My Uvula Problem

(Psst: For poetry fans, I've put up a poem on Two Drink Minimum by someone else. It moved me.)

Cheap Date
There has been some talk of what Ice Prince is wearing for Hallowe’en. Here’s a picture of it. I got it at Value Village for $6. Hurrah! It’s much cuter in person.

Unfortunately, the cat likes it too. We found him, errr…., humping the costume last night.

Paying My Respects to Rodney Dangerfield
“With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.”
”I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.”
“Wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?”
“Now I know why tigers eat their young.”
“Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.”
“Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.”

Never Say Never Again
Over on the blamblog, the topic came up of “I never blog about dating.”

Naturally, that doesn’t apply to me. But what don’t I blog about?

My job details. I don’t need to get fired.
Politics, usually. BO-RING!
Things Fresh does that annoy me. I usually forget very quickly anyway.
Boring Ice Prince Details. Well, I try. You do get the cutest stuff.
Personal stuff about my parents or friends. I really don’t need strangers asking my loved ones if they “still have that not-so-fresh feeling.”
Mushy, sentimental stuff. I try to keep it to a minimum. Besides, that’s just not me.

So what’s left?
Soup
What’s in fashion for fall
Funny stuff I see on the way to work
Weird plans I hatch in my head
Interactive stuff like having readers write poems or songs
The Hootchie Mama Report
The Wit and Wisdom of Ice Prince

In other news, I think it’s time for another episode of Ask The Ice Prince. Anyone have a question for him?

Tomorrow I think it’s time for the Ice Queen’s seasonal What’s Hot What’s Not List. Watch for it!

Win/Win, Either Way.
So remember my theory of first book as personality indicator?

Well, Ice Prince brought home his first school library book last night. It was:
Captain Bob Takes Flight

It's about a little boy who pretends he's a pilot while he's cleaning his room.

My boy's going to be a pilot!
Or he's going to clean his room!

Read A Book Today!
Did you know it was Banned Books Week last week? Here's the list of 100 books which have been banned from various schools and libraries. I’ve highlighted the ones I’ve read. The starred ones I read as part of a high school course. Some big surprises on this list. Which ones have YOU read? Let’s each choose a banned book and read it!

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling (some)
Forever by Judy Blume
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman (read in the store)
My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Giver by Lois Lowry
It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
A Day No Pigs Would Dieby Robert Newton Peck
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
Sex by Madonna
Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
The Goats by Brock Cole
Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
Blubber by Judy Blume
Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
Final Exit by Derek Humphry
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee*
Beloved by Toni Morrison
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton*
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
Deenie by Judy Blume
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
Cujo by Stephen King
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell
Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
Fade by Robert Cormier
Guess What? by Mem Fox
The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Native Son by Richard Wright
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday
Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Jack by A.M. Homes
Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
Carrie by Stephen King
Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
Family Secrets by Norma Klein
Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
The Dead Zone by Stephen King
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
Private Parts by Howard Stern
Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford (in the store)
Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
Sex Education by Jenny Davis
The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

Note: I chose Anarchist Cookbook to read and guess what? It’s unavailable for order from Indigo. Let me go check the library.

Note 2: The library doesn’t have it either. Hmmmm….now I’m really curious.

Note 3: Found it on Amazon.ca with the following note from the author:

“During the years that followed its publication, I went to university, married, became a father and a teacher of adolescents. These developments had a profound moral and spiritual effect on me. I found that I no longer agreed with what I had written earlier and I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the ideas that I had put my name to. In 1976 I became a confirmed Anglican Christian and shortly thereafter I wrote to Lyle Stuart Inc. explaining that I no longer held the views that were expressed in the book and requested that The Anarchist Cookbook be taken out of print. The response from the publisher was that the copyright was in his name and therefore such a decision was his to make \226 not the author's. In the early 1980's, the rights for the book were sold to another publisher. I have had no contact with that publisher (other than to request that the book be taken out of print) and I receive no royalties.
Unfortunately, the book continues to be in print and with the advent of the Internet several websites dealing with it have emerged. I want to state categorically that I am not in agreement with the contents of The Anarchist Cookbook and I would be very pleased (and relieved) to see its publication discontinued. I consider it to be a misguided and potentially dangerous publication which should be taken out of print.
William Powell “

WHOA! Hot stuff! Gee, I had just been hoping it had some recipes in it.

Note 4:
And here is the voice of reason. This is why we shouldn’t ban books. A 12 year old has the best perspective:

"Er?, July 10, 2004
Reviewer: A 12-year old reader
Well, I read this book out of sheer curiousity and hype, after watching Bowling for Columbine. Needless to say... the book is quite odd. It's informative and I guess if I was crazy enough, I could attempt to make a bomb or something then kill myself in the process. But, this was good for laughs..

I read the revised version, that the author had no part in, but I'd imagine they're related, only the revised has means and methods accepted by today's standards.
Only buy this book if you're curious; the book's practical (or impractical) uses are limited to people that know their chemicals and what not, and even if you understood it all, who would risk their lives in making a novelty?"

Kiss Me Kate
So my cousin Kate got married on the weekend. In Ireland. A total surprise. Well, not total. We figured she’d just call up one day to tell us.

I’m not sure I could have gotten married without my family and friends around. Heck, if it weren’t for wedding presents, I wouldn’t have my coffee maker, my toaster and my food processor.

I am SO not mailing a food processor to Ireland.

Pumpkins. They’re Not Just For Breakfast Anymore!
The Crabbies came over on Friday night and brought curried pumpkin soup and the world’s most amazing pumpkin ice cream. My belly is chock full of pumpkiny goodness.

Happy, happy, joy, joy!
In a grand mood today!
1. Got my ass-kicking boots on. Need your ass kicked? You’ve come to the right place!
2. Boss is taking us for Dim Sum today. And then she’s away for two weeks.
3. Have company coming for dinner tonight! We get to drink the Special Wine Fresh reserves for company only.
4. Hair is both bouncing AND behaving.
5. Applying for job that pays $80,000. In US DOLLARS. And I’m actually totally qualified.
6. It’s nylon weather again! And fall fashions! I look so good in fall fashions.

All About Ice Prince
Today Ice Prince had to take a biography bag to school. He had to choose 5 things to represent himself. He chose:
• His snail’s house (we let Gary go in the garden a couple of months ago.)
• Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss
• A picture of us at the cottage during his GP’s birthday party
• A Piggy Bank
• Sunglasses

Now, if you didn’t know him, what would these items tell you about him? He likes nature, reading, and his family. His mom works at a bank and he’s one cool little dude.

The Skirt Report

We here at Icicle Fief (that’d be me and Boomer) have conducted an exhaustive research study. Today I am wearing my “cranberry” skirt.

We asked two men what colour my skirt is. They initially looked suspicious, but finally responded.
Guy 1: Maroon.
Guy 2: Brown.

Guy 1 is single and is suspected to be gay despite the fact that he has a long suffering girlfriend.
Guy 2 is married with a young son.

So the verdict is:
TRUE. Real Men can’t distinguish colours. (When I called Guy 1 a girly-man after his response, he was pleased.)

Icicle Fief: For All Your Quality Market Research Needs.

The Queen Strikes Back


Markus has recently suggested on his blog that he uses a Darth Vader helmet during extracurricular activities with Mikevil.

Might I suggest this site to Mr. Evil?

A Slice of Ice Queen's Job

In the copy I've just been given:
"The Centre is provider independent and technology and process agnostic."

Does it mean to say that the Centre doesn't believe we can know anything about technology and process?

What word can they possibly have mistaken this for? Or is this a new business buzzword? Or is it merely a bad case of Spell Chek?

I Am An S-M-R-T Shopper
Productive day yesterday. I got my pneumonia vaccine and then I went to Value Village and got:
Liz Claiborne wool skirt
Cranberry coloured suede skirt
Cranberry coloured taffeta shell top
Beautiful tiger costume (guess what IP wants to be for Hallowe’en?)
Icky tiger costume (in case he turned up his nose at the nice one. He didn't.)
Brown alligator pumps (Marks and Sparks – look like they were never worn)
Fairisle wool mitts
Camel coloured wool scarf

All for $35.

Lookin’ goooo-oood!

Breaking News!

My hapless headhunters want me to be an Underwear Designer!

"Our client, a Canadian owned and operated, Intimate Apparel Manufacturer, located in Truro, Nova Scotia is seeking an Apparel/Graphic Designer, who has experience working with large retailers, to work in their head office. This position is located in Truro, Nova Scotia. All relocation cost will be paid."

I'd like to move to Nova Scotia, but, sadly, have limited knowledge of knicker construction.

More From the Grab Bag
Didn’t get to run this morning because my alarm woke Ice Prince up. I had to crawl in with him. He never quite goes back to sleep, so he talked to me for an hour in the dark. Suddenly, he said “Mommy, you deserve a new dress!” Nice, I thought.

When Fresh woke up, IP bolted into the bathroom:
“Daddy! Daddy! We have to buy Mommy a new dress!”
“Sure kid, are you going to pay for it?”
“It’s okay. Mommy has money.”

Watched the Muppet Show last night while I ironed.

Hootchie Mama has a daughter. Didn’t manage to see the daughter’s shoes. But I decided that if I wore some very cool shoes, maybe she’d comment on them and we’d start talking. Hmmm…….

In the comments section, I spoke of a bossy parent at the school. Know who she looked like? Remember in Priscilla Queen of the Desert when Bernice tells the mean woman in the bar to light he tampon because that’s the only bang she’ll ever get? That’s what this parent looked like. The mean woman. Not Bernice.

I want to be Bernice when I grow up. I think she’s beautiful and strong and smart.

When I Was an Icicle…
Ice Prince goes to the school library on Mondays. I remember when I was in Grade 1, we got to go to the library and take out a book. I only took one book out, I kept renewing it over and over again. The book was Little Witch’s Black Magic Cookbook. Funny how I still have a passion for cooking, eh?

I wonder what IP will bring home.

Bit and Bites
Go enjoy the Haiku O' Truth. Yeah, baby, yeah.

I am currently reading the book The Nanny Diaries. In it, there is a chapter called "Night of the Banking Dead." Do I sense a new drinking night name? I think I do!

My running's going fine. Thanks for asking. I seem to have lost weight. I almost fit back into my leather skirt, which is nice. Unfortnately, I now need to buy a smaller sports bra or suffer whiplash.

Hootchie Mama had on such spectacular shoes today (silver stilletos with laces up the calves, you know) that a little girl behind Ice Prince in the Kindergarten line yelled out: "Mommy, look at that lady's fancy shoes!" I am determined to make friends with her - or at least speak to her. She gets off in her get up at Bay Station every morning. Maybe we could car pool! Oh, wait. I don't have a car. Never mind.

Brand Yourself!
I also found a great slogan generator. Try it yourself!



I also enjoyed:
"Gonna be a while? Grab an Ice Queen."
"All you Need Is an Ice Queen and a Dream."
"Oh Hungry? Oh Ice Queen!"

Although if I were Markus, I be a bit concerned about THIS one:

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves
Ice Prince is currently making me watch Lady and the Tramp for what must be the 40th time. And when you watch a movie so many times, you begin to ask questions:

For Example:

In the bedroom scene, Lady's owners are sleeping together in the same bed. This movie was made in 1955. In the 50's, Lucy and Ricky had to have twin beds and so did Laura and Rob on the Dick Van Dyke Show in the 60s. Not until the late 60s were Samantha and Darrin of Bewitched allowed to share the marital bed.

However, reaserch reveals that ONCE earlier on the I Love Lucy Show, Fred and Ethel shared a bed out of necessity. The year? 1955.

Were Lady's libertine owners the ground breakers? If an animated children's feature could show people sleeping together, why couldn't television?

Yes, here at the Icicle Fief, we like taking on the tough political issues. Of 1955.

Blame It On The Pocky
So Fresh has been working crazy crazy hours since his promotion. He gets home around 9 at night and leaves before I do in the morning. Haven’t seen much of him or had a chance to talk.

Yesterday he opens up the cupboard and finds a Berlitz CD I got from the library.

“You’re learning Japanese? Since when?”

I wonder if he thinks I’m having an affair with someone Japanese? Buwahahahahahaha!

P.S. To Crabby: I promise to leave David Suzuki alone. He’d probably just bitch to me about the fact that green wine bottles (which most red comes in) are not technically recyclable.

Look at me! Look at me!
Fine. If no one likes my crude humour, I’ll go back to discussing soup.

No, Instead, I think I’ll post a picture of myself naked. That oughta get some discussion going.

Oh My!
It seems that CBS has discovered that Janet Jackson had plans to reveal more naughty bits than she did.

Five Things That Taste Good on Salads
Nice cheese (stilton, goat, paramesan)
Roasted pears
Nuts (esp pecans and walnuts)
Mango
Avocado

Five Things That Do Not Belong On Salad
Mandarin Oranges
Liquid Paper
Jolly Ranchers
Dental Floss
Pudding

My Favourite Soups
1. Italian Wedding Soup
2. Chicken Coconut Soup with lots of mushrooms
3. Real wild mushroom soup
4. Tom Yum Soup
5. Carrot, the way my Nana made it with whipping cream
6. Real chowder

"Baby. It's 3am I must be psycho...."
Hey, remember I said at least this wasn't the antibiotic that makes me psycotic?

Well, guess what. It is.

Just woke up in a total panic about not having put the mortgage money in my account in time. Ran downstairs, desperate to try to get the money in the account. Turned on the computer to transfer some money, pulled on my sneakers to go despoit some cash.

And realized that it's not due to come out until tomorrow.

Oh boy. I can't wait to go to work and see what drugged up Ice Queen can manage to accomplish there. Especially with that old Performance Review thing.

Never a dull moment!

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
At home sick. Dr. Hibbert says I have a floppy and infected uvula (that's the hanging thing at the back of your throat, you dirty-minded dyslexics). It feels gross, like I'm choking, and is excruciatingly painful.

"Hee hee hee! What am I going to do with you? Here, try these antibiotics. If you're not better in 24 hours, call me immediately, you'll need a shot."

Or maybe he said I'll need to BE shot. I really must listen more carefully.

Naturally, my anibiotics have side effects which are icky and you don't need to know, but it's better than the ones that made me psychotic, running around the house in a panic, thinking we'd lost the Ice Prince. (that was last year)

I'm supposed to be working on my I-PEP (my fellow employees know of which I speak), but I find it's hard to write when I'm not in a good self-esteem mode. Now I feel like I may be sliding back into 6 months of illness like last year at this very time. (new readers: I was on STD --not HAD an STD-- for about 3 months last winter. A couple of bouts of pneumonia.) I'm so worried it will happen again.

Sorry I'm not more amusing today. But if anyone wants to say anthing to boost my self-esteem, it would help greatly in inspiring me to write my performance appraisal. Yes, we write our own. "I invented the Internet. I devised a way to turn used toner cartridges into fossil fuels. I donated my gold fillings to the employee incentive program. I am love." Sigh.

Blitzed on Wolf Blass?

Beware. This could happen to you.

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em
Pocky, that is.



View more fine photos like this over at Mikevil's. It's worth the drive to Acton!

But all in good taste, of course
I managed to make it home from Bankers Gone Wild night with all my clothes, which was a nice change of pace. Now that I'm awake (and mercifully not hungover by some miracle), I'm concerned about certain pictures - volumes of pictures that were taken. I'm sure JustMark (whom I adore, incidentally. You may keep him.) will post them toute suite when he and Mr. Evil get back from Gaelic class. If they ever made it there. (I don't understand people who are shy about having their photo taken. Silly rabbits!)

Too much fun! Thank you Mikevil, JustMark, Sister Stacey Patrick and Boomer for a night to remember. If I only could.....

Hootchie Mama Update
This morning, she was wearing jeans and a not so slutty top, but she was wearing bright pink metallic simulated (of course) lizard skin stilettos.

As soon as I get a digital camera, I’ll stop seeing stuff like this.

Idol Thoughts
Watching Canadian Idol. A guilty pleasure, because Fresh would not approve. Not edifying enough. But he's working late.

1. Jacob ruled.

2. But what the hell was he doing and why did Ben push him away? Ah, if only they had kissed, like Crabby had hoped!

3. Ryan Malcolm's song was fabulous -- but he did a crappy job of singing it. If only Jacob had sung it, it would have ROCKED.

4. Kalan's singing is good quality, but he is a freaky pretty boy zombie with no personality. Fruit Cocktail summed it up when she compared his winsome sidways glances to Princess Di.

5. Theresa is a darling. Talented, humbled, pretty but not in your face. The perfect Canadian.

6. A cowboy hat on Kalan? But shit, he does sing well.


Okay, you're on Canadian Idol. Choose a song to sing by:
Gordon Lightfoot
Lionel Richie
Elton John
Billy Joel
Stevie Wonder
Kenny Loggins

I choose:
GL: Sundown
LR: Truly
EJ: Skyline Pigeon
BJ: Captain Jack
SW: Overjoyed
KL: House at Pooh Corner (cheating, since this technically includes Messina), so by himself: Forever

Aw, man. Now I want to do karaoke tomorrow night......I'm a bad singer, but I do it with great enthusiasm.

Now, back to the show.....

Late addition: Well, yes, Kalan won. I admit grudgingly that he did do an excellent job. But smiling and showing a little enthusiasm wouldn't have hurt. Maybe he's on drugs.

For Chip

Here's the sleeve of the shirt I'm wearing today.



And I say it's perfectly appropriate attire for a banker. I can get away with it because I'm considered the "creative" one. Eccentricity is just one part of my skill set.

We Queens Have To Stick Together
So after a horrible haircut experience with Ice Prince on Saturday, we sat down and I found a Virgin Mary medal under the bench. I put it in my purse.

Today, I looked in my purse and found it. It’s on a thin blue cord. So I decided to wear it, thinking that I could use a little inspiration from another mother who surely must have had some problems with her son growing up. “Honey, please don’t change your juice into wine.” “Sweetie pie, that’s the lamb we’re having for dinner, please don’t heal it.”

Anyhow, there’s an inscription on it, which I just looked up on the Internet. It says:
“Regina sine labe originali concepta”
which translates as
“Queen conceived without original sin”

How likely is it that I of all people would find this?