Turn Your Head And Cough
So today I was up at Megabank’s training centre to learn all about First Aid.
1. I hit my head during one of the role playing scenarios. (The instructor told me to pretend to go unconscious. I’m a method actor!)
2. One fellow participant claimed a) his parents said it was unsafe to sleep with his dog (pets suck up all the oxygen!) b) his parents said it was unsafe to sleep with plants in the room (they take your oxygen!) c) a restaurant owner once cured his burned hand by plunging it into a can of tomatoes d) his mom once healed his knife wound by putting Folger’s coffee grounds on it.
3. I’m pretty good under pressure! No, really! It’s great because my penchant for lightening the atmosphere with lame jokes and patter distracts the patient from the fact that I am poking and prodding them. Maybe I should change career streams?
4. I have a stress headache from dealing with fake trauma all day. Or maybe it’s from hitting my head on the floor. Anyone know First Aid?

So if you ever need someone to pound on your chest or give you mouth to mouth, call me, baby. But you have to buy me dinner first.