Ice Queen Thinks Bad Thought, Quotes Shakespeare

So I was walking to the subway yesterday when I saw a woman walk down her front steps, down her front walk and hop into her motorized scooter. I thought "How handicapped can she be if she made it down the stairs so easily?" Then I realized what a mean thought that was. Then I smelled something bad and I thought "That's the smell of evil."

Then I thought -- why would evil smell bad? Would it not smell good to lure you in? "The serpent in the flower hid?"

Literary references. Your indication of a quality blog.

The best things in life are free
So give them to the birds and the bees

I need money (that's what I want)
That's what I want
That's what I want
That's what I want


The job interview went wonderfully. I was great. They loved my stuff. They can't afford me. The Executive Director said "Did you expect a Bank salary here?" I felt like saying "Well, the Bank was on my resume, so why did you invite me?" I just gave a Trudeau shrug and said "Hey, it was worth a shot!" The E.D. didn't speak to me after that, as if I'd wasted her time. Well, if you don't post the salary or ask for salary expectations, that's gonna happen, lady. I was quickly ushered out. I felt like they thought I was going to invoice them for my time. (Maybe I should.....buwahahahahahaha!) Still, it felt good to nail it and it's good practice. And I got new clothes and a new purse, so net gain there!

I realize that I'm coming across very greedy. I'm not really like that, honest. I certainly didn't marry for money (Frank was a full time student for 6 years after we married -- Master's, PhD stuff). And I don't buy expensive stuff. My last hat was $10 and my interview duds were all at least 50% off. And the Six Million Dollar Cat has to be paid for. Guess it's just what's on my mind right now. And I hear the mail coming through the slot downstairs and that's probably more bills. Sigh. Better go check it out.

I don't suppose there's a Hat Association?

I'm on vacation this week, so I'm not sure I'll get much blogging in between napping and giving the cat six pills a day.

Yep, the Six Million Dollar Cat is back. He doing okay, but he's on muscle relaxants. He made it onto Frank's lap, lay down, and fell off. It was pretty funny -- in a pathetic kind of way.

Job interview in four hours. I was napping and the phone rang ONCE. Which I was mad about until I saw that I'd overslept. So I put that phone call down to fate. (Some dipknob also phoned me on my cell at 5:50 am, and by the time I woke up and remembered where my cell was, they were gone. Tempting to phone back the number -- but what to say: "Hey dip for brains, if you didn't phone people so early in the morning MAYBE YOU'D BE ABLE TO PUSH THE RIGHT BUTTONS ON THE PHONE! Have a coffee first. Maybe two."

Do you believe in fate? I do. It's my way of dealing with bad stuff that happens. "Oh, my cat cost me $800. Well, I guess that's fate. I only would have bought food with that money -- and we all know food these days is laced with pesticides and carcinogens, so the cat 's actually saved me from myself."

Well, have to go do pre-job interview things - like read their website and find out what the association does. And give the cat three more pills.

I can stop anytime I want to

Chip Tijuana questions how I can afford to get the cat reupolstered, buy gourmet pretzels and all get those hats.

The answer? I can't. Hence the Job Interview next week to support my hat habit.

And Chip doesn't even know about the mother of all my habits, the Wine Habit.

Anybody wanna buy a kidney? I'd be a surrogate mom, but according to the ads, I'm too old—which is exactly 24 days older than Brett.

Where do men keep their crap?

I’ve got a nice new purse, but I’ve put off using it because it means I’ll have to clean out the old one.

Let us go, dear reader, for a tour of my old purse:
1. Empty ABM deposit envelope
2. Receipt from Fairweather for Monday’s purchase
3. Receipt for new adorable hat
4. 5 cents Canadian Tire money
5. Receipt for last weekend’s groceries
6. Chequebook
7. Grocery list from last week
8. Two lipsticks: Crimson Joy and True Berries
9. Appointment Form for Colin’s Dr. appointment on Monday
10. Hard copy of online confirmation for Sutton Place Hotel – One Night
11. Tampon
12. Pen (don’t confuse with #11)
13. Two Hospital Cards for Colin
14. Colin’s OHIP card
15. Another pen
16. Frank’s wedding ring (see #10?)
17. Lots of change
18. assorted cards including bank cards, HBC card, credit card, health card, driver’s license, fitness club card
19. lots of ABM receipts
20. Two uncashed cheques ($20 and $10 respectively. Sweet! I mean, grand!)
21. Kleenex (appears to be clean)

I know men rarely have items 8 or 11, but how do they manage?

You are my Candy Girl and you've got me wanting you

I bought some Cracker Jack recently. When I was a kid they had real prizes in them. Now they have some cheapo paper thing like a sticker. And not as many peanuts either.

Remember Pink Elephant Popcorn? That was so good. I’m pretty sure it had a prize too.

When I was a kid (like 5 maybe) we lived in the country and there was no garbage pick up. Saturday was “Dump Day” when Dad and I would head off to the dump. What allure did the dump hold for me? There was a General Store at the end of the road that sold penny candy. I used to get those collector stickers that made fun of products – Crest toothpaste became “Crust”. And Bottlecaps – root beer flavour was the best. It’s pretty depressing to go into retro/nostalgia stores and see those. Speaking of nostalgia, I’m making Rice Krispie Squares tonight.

And Popsicles used to come in more flavours – like lime. Which reminds me, I had an idea that they should market adult flavoured Popsicles. No, I don’t mean there’d be a “hunk sweat” popsicle, I mean a margherita flavour or pina colada or strawberry daquiri.

I’m so bloody brilliant. Why am I wasting away here at a Bank?

Is $2.70 too much to pay for a high quality pretzel?

Hell, I’ll tell you what’s too much money. An $800 (estimated) vet bill to get my cat’s plumbing cleared out (I’ll spare you all the gories). And at what point do you say the procedure is too much to pay for? When the line of credit runs out? Who can put a price on their cat’s life? Leo’s only 3 years old – it’s not like we can say “Oh, well, he’s led a long happy life. Maybe it’s time to let him go.”

And he’s the one out of our two cats we actually like. Well, we like the other one, but in the way you like grumpy old relatives – more for sentimental reasons.

Can you imagine if we had to do that with people? In ways we do, when drug treatments aren’t covered. But this is too heavy a conversation for Friday.

I got an adorable new hat, so I’ll be restarting the photo montage of “People Wearing My Hat.” But I’ll need a better name for it. Suggestions welcome!

Anyhow, have to go work to pay for the cat. Cross your fingers for him – we’re waiting to see if he made it through the night.

Lunchtime Fun at the Eaton Centre

First stop is the Pretzel stand for a nutritious Cinnamon Pretzel (no butter, natch.).

Next stop is Toys, Toys, Toys to check for a new Bear in the Big Blue House video. The only one Colin has now it the potty training one, and we’re getting really sick of the funky Potty Song. Although the Potty Song has inspired Frank to come up with new Potty sngs including:
“You’ve got to fight for your right to potty” and
“I wanna rock ‘n’ roll all night and potty every day”
But no new Bear videos. Frank has probably spent the day coming up with new bastardized song lyrics. Hurrah!

Next stop Fairweather, my favourite clothing store. Tried on ten things, bought nothing.

And I found a beautiful white furry hat which I almost bought. Then I imagined it falling on the floor of the bus and getting trampled by Colin. Never mind.

So, I spent $2.70.

Oh! A woman in the subway (no, not a crazy woman) needed some assistance and asked if I speak Russian. I must look Russian! Wow. Is that the beautiful cool aloof Russian like Elton John’s Nikita, or maybe Raisa Gorbachov? Or is it the hopped up on vodka and living on bread and potatoes physique and weathered complexion of many a Russian peasant? No need to answer. let me keep my fantasy.

What's Playing in my Head: Nikita, of course!

Give, Give, Give. That's All I Ever Do.

Busy working today.

Busy, busy, busy.

More Susan-inspired mayhem soon.

In the meantime, leave some comments. It's fun! But remember, only hit comment once. It's a bit slow, but whoa! what a rush!

God, I Love Trashy Mags

Not stuff about celebrities or aliens, but the useful everyday stuff a girl in the big city needs to know to stay bad.

At lunch I picked up a copy of Jane magazine which contains the following articles:
• How To Get Freaky in Toronto
• Screw It: Bad Asses Don’t Dress Sensibly
• The Gyno Fashion Exposé
• 17 (legal) Ways to Stay Up All Night and Still Look Fresh As a Daisy
• How to Get a Tight Butt Without Lifting a Finger

I can’t wait to read it. Meanwhile, Frank is reading Paris: 1919 about the Treaty of Versailles. Hey, I know how to spell Versailles, isn’t that enough intellectualism for one day?

And you don't have to give your VISA number to see 'em!

Photos of me on the Internet? Check out blamb blog (www.brettlamb.com), the blog that inspired the Icicle Fief. Lefty politics, tahini and banana sandwiches, owls and stick deodorant. Need I say more?

Icicle Fief in turn inspired another blog, check out Sunstroke: Icarus Speaks (http://icaria.blogspot.com). The usual inspired madness that is my dear friend Dave.

Pardon the non-hot links. Something freaky in the code that I don't have time to fix now.

R.I.P. Hat

Job interviews are a lot like dating for us married people.

“I wonder what they’re like. Will they like me? What should I wear? Would they like me to wear this? But I don’t want to wear that. I should be myself, right? Because they should like me for who I really am. I don’t want to put on an act for the rest of my life. Now let’s see, should I say ‘Thanks for inviting me in?’ No, too needy. ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you.’ Yeah. And I should practice smiling. Can I sit in this skirt? Maybe if I suck my gut in and pull in down as I sit. Now – I’ll have to do something with my hair. And shoes! I don’t want to walk in wearing my boots, but if I wear my heels there, they’ll get I’ll snowy or I’ll slip and fall. I could wear my boots and change…but I’d have to hide them somewhere before we meet. Maybe a subway locker. Or I could wear really old boots and throw them out when I get there. Or I could take a cab. Maybe I should go buy some really nice new boots instead. Dressy boots. With a nice heel.”

I’m tired just thinking about it. Now I remember why I settled down

In other news, I lost my wonderful Dr. Seuss/Dr. Zhivago hat. I bought another which is warm and practical and no fun at all. I had a great plan for a website full of people wearing that hat – we already had 4 or 5 pictures for it. Maybe I’ll get another. But it just wouldn’t be the same. Lunch time, I’m looking for the new Holy Hat Grail. Fetchez la vache!

What’s playing in my head: Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel. Way to go, head!
Frozen Extremities: Two, but currently thawing.

The Ice Queen’s Lid: Love t or Lose It?

I have a job interview with Canadian Actor’s Equity next week.. My hair is currently auburn, which mainly looks good, but in the light can look a little fake and brassy.
Question of the Day: Do I dye it brown or leave it? I could go either way. Auburn can be a bit hard to match with clothes and make-up and I don’t always have time for timely touch ups.

And what’s with used condoms on the street? Who’s randy enough to roger in –29 degree (C) weather? Is the McDonald’s handicapped washroom too posh? Can’t afford the 59 cents to buy a hamburger and thus become a customer and be allowed to use the washroom?

What’s Playing in My Head:Con Te Partiro by Bocelli and Brightman. Thanks a lot, Neil.
Oh, hey, when I typed “Neil” the song changed to Harvest Moon. Sweet! I mean….that’s good.

Story Time

Here's a little Friday afternoon story for you.

I was 11 years old. My grandparents had come to visit. It was rather awkward and I never knew quite what to say. My mom says: "Tell Grandma and Grandpa about the story you wrote." This was a great idea and I was very excited.

"Well, " I said, "In Social Studies class we were given a map of Newfoundland and we were told to choose one of the towns that had a funny name and make up a story about how it got that name. So I picked Jerry's Nose."

There was a moment of silence and then my father started laughing. It took me a minute to clue in, but then I was very embarassed.

That's all. At least I didn't choose Dildo.

Regrets…I’ve had a few

There are small regrets, like regretting the last glass of wine last night (which I don’t, it was lovely). I do regret thinking that the black jacket Colin threw down the basement stairs was probably just fine to wear to work today (as I pick off the cat fur and dust bundles).

I regret choosing a lunch place that’s a ten minute walk from the office for a going away party on a day that’s –30 c wind chill.

I don’t regret avoiding said wind chill by spending $14 to take Colin to day care in a taxi today. I do regret showing Colin how to work the window up/down button in the taxi. I think the taxi driver regrets this too.

More later or I’ll regret that I didn’t work harder at my job.

What’s Playing in My Head: Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong by the Spin Doctors

Forbidden Fruit

You are, of course, familiar with Matt Groening’s “Life is Hell” Comic in Now Magazine. Remember how good it used to be before The Simpsons? My favourite was Bohemian Coffee Hut with Akbar and Jeff. Anyhow, the one thing that always remained great was the Forbidden Words comic he publishes at New Year’s every year.

This year, they sucked. They were all about the War in Iraq.

Phooey with him. Let’s make our own list of forbidden words. Not naughty words, but terribly overused words, such as:
dot com
start up
sweet!
downturn
displaced
voted off the island
Paul Martin
9/11
ground zero
friendly fire
double cohort

Speaking of naughty words reminds me of the time Boomer and I came up with TTC stops that sound naughty. The list included:
Runnymede, Spadina, Pape, Coxwell and I can’t remember the rest right now.

Speaking of which, I saw a job on Charity Village for the Prostate Foundation. Apply to Sandra Cockswell. No, really!

The Icicle Fief. For all your puerile humour needs.

You're My Best Friend

So, Frank and I are sitting there at 9:45 waiting for CBC’s The National to come on (Well, that’s what Frank was waiting for. I was about to fall asleep) and we started watching something called Mockstars, a show about impersonators. They showed a Rod Stewart, a Tom Jones, a Kiss tribute band and a Shania Twain. It was lame, but in a really fun way. Better than writing memos about expense claims.
So, Question of the Day®: If YOU could be an impersonator, who would you impersonate?
Okay, let’s make it a two part question:
1. Who COULD you impersonate?
2. Who would you WANT to impersonate, despite your looks, talents, gender, etc?

My answers:
1. Velma from Scooby Doo. Sigh. ‘Nuff said.
2. Freddie Mercury from Queen. High notes, camp, melodrama, comedy, costumes. Yeah.

In honour of Freddie, the Song of the Day shall be Somebody to Love and the Speedy Muffler Marketing Director shall be taken out and duly spanked with the box set of Queen’s Greatest Hits.

Huh. My last post seems to have eaten the morning's post about recycling and friendship. Grrrrrrr!

Cheese and Other Dairy Products

So, Indigo did not have Good Omens. I did find American Gods. I read some of it and found the author to be trying too hard to create characters who are clever. (I sympathize. A former creative writing prof - Beth Harvor - accused me of the same once. And she was right.) So I didn't buy it.

I did, however make a discovery. If I were a single woman, I'd hang out in the Fantasy/Sci Fi section of the store. A plethora of men. Some even looked like they don't live in their parent's basements.

Plus I found a recipe for dinner tonight. Although I'm replacing the frozen peas and carrots with eggplant and zucchini, replacing the Pilsbury biscuits with dumplings and adding potatoes and rosemary. Actually, the only ingredient from the original recipe that remains will be chicken. The cookbook featured lots of Pilsbury dough, Lipton Soup Mix and Campbell's Mushroom soup.

Remember the chip dip your parents used to make with sour cream and Lipton Onion Soup mix?
Remember Cheese Logs?
Remember Imperial Cheese?
Remember Laughing Cow cheese in individually wrapped triangles?
Remember Aerosol Cheese?
Remember Squeeze Cheese? It had a valve like a tire where the cheese would come out.

I walk a lot. On recycling days, I notice the bins. I like to imagine what people are like based on their bin contents and wonder whether we could be friends.
Bin full of Wolf Blass, Gourmet magazines and olive oil bottles = friend
Bin full of orange schnapps bottles, kraft dinner boxes and the Toronto Sun = trailer trash

Do you notice how hard it is to make friends when you're an adult? You can't just go up to someone on the street and say "Hey, wanna come to my place for a Mr. Freezie?" There's so much more sub text now….

My sweet and talented friend Dave suggested some books in the Comments section.
Skinny Legs and All - I read and liked. Also liked Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
The Hours - disappointing. Can't remember why - it was a few years ago.
I have decided to check out Indigo at lunch and purchase either Good Omens or American Gods.

Another favourite book of mine is Captain Corelli's Mandolin. I never saw the movie because I didn't want to ruin it. (Nicolas Cage? Penelope Cruz? I think not.)

I've been thinking about book choices and I wonder why I feel compelled to read books that are "edifying". In fact, why must intelligent people feel they have to behave intelligently? If I want to read Cosmo and watch Adam Sandler movies, why shouldn't I? Will I lose IQ points?

I'm back and I have read "No Great Mischief".

I am a bad person. I didn't adore it.

Pros: Southwestern Ontario, Toronto, Nova Scotia, Gaelic, Colin, Glencoe
Cons: Colin getting killed three pages after he's introduced, unsympathetic main character who - although seemingly intelligent - lets himself get talked into anything. And no, I don't see "blood is thicker than water" as the motivation behind his behaviour.

I think it may be like "Field of Dreams". Guys love it, women think it's okay. The book deals a lot with father/son, grandpa/grandson, brother/brother relationships.

More book suggestions welcome. Person who suggests a book I most like wins a prize!

In other news, RIP Maurice Gibb. My first album ever was the white Bee Gees Greatest Hits. My second was Bat Out of Hell. We watched a Bees Gees concert on Much More Music last night and it was great. I liked Robin new 'do (weave?) - a very cool Roman cut. But Barry needs serious hair care. He's had that mane since 1975, at least. Maurice had a fedora on and it was working for him.

Favourite Bee Gees Song: Words
Ice Queen Predicts a New Trend: Tea. High quality loose leaf tea and all the cool little cups and pots that go with it.

I have purchased No Great Mischief. I am rather indimidated by the reviews on the back:
"MacLeod...is the greatest living Canadian writer.... No Great Mischief is the book of the year -- and of this decade. It is a once-in-a-lfetime masterpiece."
— Globe and Mail

Oh, the pressure! If I don't like it, am I plebeian?

It's only 283 pages, so I should be done by Monday, if the home life doesn't go wild. Which it usually does.

Fisher has recommended that I read No Great Mischief: "Narrated by Alexander MacDonald, a contemporary member of an extensive, close-knit clan, the story stretches back over 200 years, tracing the journey of family patriarch Callum MacDonald and his 12 children from their native Scotland to an uncertain future in the New World."

Sounds good. I'm going to buy it at lunch and I'll report back once I've read it.

Today in the Icicle Fief, the Ice Queen chooses courses for her friends out of the uber-trashy Jan/Feb 2003 Learning Annex magazine.

Lisa: How to Start a Home-Based Business
Stace: Telepathic Communication With Animals
Fisher: How to Lose Your Foreign Accent - Open the Doors to Success (Hey, I'm not making these up. Can you believe this course exists?)
Boomer: How to Become a Special Event or Party Planner
Levicus Maximus: Speak Spanish Fluently in Just 1-3 Weeks!
Kate: How Not to Be a Starving Artist
Beco: Improve Your Vision Naturally Without Glasses, Contacts or Surgery
Dave: How to Write and Publish Children's Books
And for me? I'm torn between How to Start a Greeting Card Business and How to Open a Tea House. Whereas what I really need is Too Stressed? Too Tired? Get Energized!

And what about the people who teach these? Dolphin Healing? If you could teach a Learning Annex course, what would it be?

So the comments work, but a word of caution:
Only hit the comment button ONCE to submit it. It doesn't confirm your submission, so you could be commenting until you're blue in the face. And I apologize for the advertising. A necessary evil for free stuff.

Okay, bear with me. I'm going to try to add a comments features to this.

Cross your fingers:

Okay, let's up the ante.

If I get any book recommendations, I will read the book and post a review here.

Now, don't be recommending weird-ass stuff, just to get me to read it. I retain veto rights if, after 100 pages, I absolutely hate it.

Today's Hair Colour: Auburn
Today's Fashion Statement: Black jacket, black skirt, black nylons. You were expecting different?
What's Playing in my Head: When the Saints Go Marching In as sung by Homer Simpson

So Frank (blogger readers, meet Frank, my husband.) bought me an Indigo gift certificate for my birthday (December 31). Any book suggestions? I like:
Douglas Adams
The first Bridget Jones
Sue Townsend
Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson
Sandra Gulland's Josephine Books
Cook Books

And I hate quick, stupid (i.e. deus ex machina) endings. The last book I read was The Secret Book of Grazia dei Rossi. It was great. I stayed up until 1 am because I was near the end. Then, with 3 pages left and no apparent denouement in sight, (spoiler coming) pirates attack the ship and kill the heroine. The end. Say what?

So e-mail your book suggestions to screamforicequeen@hotmail.com. I have no comments section on here yet 'cause haloscan is down for the month.

In other news, RIP Billy Van, who kept me entertained as a child on Hilarious House of Frightenstein with the Oracle, Pet Vet, the Count, the Wolfman and my favourite: Grizelda. "Eat your heart out!"

Separated at Birth

Kevin Spacey and Bono?
You be the judge.

(Note: A real link! And there'll be more where that came from.)

Boomer says you can get the Russell Smith article on the Globe's website. I knew that, I just didn't want to take the time out of my business day to learn how to link it (though it's probably easy).

That's just the ethical kind of person I am.

Late addition: No comments:

What's playing in my head: Some 80s song I can't quite remember. Every time I try to remember the chorus, it turns into Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

Russell Smith had a good article in The Globe and Mail's review section today (no link -- get off your lazy butt and buy a paper. Support Canadian publishing!). Basically he was wondering why we're all so happy and spend-crazy despite the stock market and the inevitable war.

Anyway, the best part was a poem he quoted by Leonard Cohen:

The Music Crept By Us

I would like to remind
the management
that the drinks are watered
and the hat-check girl
has syphilis
and the band is composed
of former SS monsters
However since it is
New Year's Eve
and I have lip cancer
I will place my
paper hat on my
concussion and dance.

Speaking of syphilis, I've already sent most of my friends this joke, but here it is again:

"Father Reilly," the Mother Superior reported, "I just thought
you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."

"Oh good," the priest replied, "I was really getting tired of the
Chablis."

Wow, syphilis, lip cancer, religion, sex, concussions, politics. You just don't find this high quality content on any old blog.