Icicle Fief Reads 2005


Yes, it’s time for the First Annual Icicle Fief Reads competition.

Want to participate?

1. Choose your favourite Canadian work of fiction. (Liberal Red Book not included. I'm kidding. Really.)
2. Send me a short description of why you think it deserves to be voted Fief-worthy. (screamforicequeenATgmailDOTcom)
3. We (yes, the royal we) will feature one book per day until we run out of participants. Participants must be willing to defend the book on their appointed day and answer questions of a non-salacious nature.

(Note: Volunteer also needed to make me a poll so we can vote on this when we’re done. Shut up, Brett.)

Winner will receive a book from the Ice Queen’s personal library. Americans eligible, but must choose a Canadian book.

Personality Analysis
I found a grocery list on the floor by the elevator. Tell me about the person who dropped it:
eggs
yogurt
juice
tubes
cheese
cheese strip
bread
chips
salad
carrotts

(it was written in blue ball point on a tiny folded yellow sticky)

It's Donate Your Lunch Money To Charity Day
"Don't make me come over there. I know a thing or two about getting lunch money out of people. Ha ha!"

the Theme Song to the New Hit Sitcom: Wanda and The Queen
They're Wanda and The Queen
Yes, Wanda and The Queen
One is a genius
The other's insane.
They're ladies on the ‘net
Who haven’t even met
They're yonder
They're Wanda and The Queen, Queen, Queen, Queen
Queen, Queen, Queen, Queen
Queen.

They roam the city streets
Alert for fashion wrongs
They’ll slap you with a fine
And take away your thongs
They're Wanda and The Queen
Yes, Wanda and The Queen
They both look as if
Each day’s Hallowe’en.
I have to confess
They look good in a dress
They're yonder
They're Wanda and The Queen, Queen, Queen, Queen
Queen, Queen, Queen, Queen
Narf!

Two Queens is a Full House!
Markus has a post today: “To Wanda and the Ice Queen.”

Doesn’t “Wanda and the Ice Queen” sound like a sit com? Like Sanford and Son, Chico and the Man, Kate and Ally, Ned and Stacey, Will and Grace….

We need a theme song, a plot for the pilot episode and a logo. Then when Wanda comes up in the summer, we can film. Hey, maybe we can all write the screenplay together – like with the novel contest. Success in numbers! (Note that I have a no nudity clause.) Plus you could write yourselves in as characters.

C’mon, possums. Any contributions to my 15 minutes would be appreciated. I’m busy today, but can never shut my brain off, so if you give me a tune to set my words to, maybe I can come up with the theme song today.

In other news, Fresh is bemused about why a drag queen from Minneapolis mailed me a thong. (I got it last night. Thanks, Wanda!) I think I'll wear it whan Mikevil and I teach that Grade 8 Diversity Class.

Vive la difference!
I’m bored.

Not that I don’t have a lot to do, oh yessir bob, I have lots to do. I’m just tired of the beige walls here at work, and the winter boots, and the bus home, and being stuck inside the house. Yes, we’ve been tobogganing and skating.

Last night, Fresh and I (and IP) went to a restaurant. We don’t do this often and if you know any 4 year olds, you’ll know why. It was a nice change of pace and the Little Prince was sort of well-behaved. He had orange fries (yam frites).

I need to shake things up. Yesterday, I went for a beverage break with Boomer, determined to try something new. The only thing I hadn’t tried in the coffee shop was Mello Yello, which was like Mountain Dew. Yawn.

So give me some ideas. How can I make life exciting until the snow melts? Help!

I Don't Know Art, But I Know What I Like
So you've probably heardofthat Christo's Gates thing in Central Park. Pretty, sure, but somehow all that outlay of money for something pretty bothers me. Unless I'm the something pretty that the money is being spent on.

Now THIS (found via the lovely Eva) is more my style. Click on the links too.

Life in a Northern Town
George W. smoked pot. But doesn't think you should.

Jason Kenney (Dipwad for Northern Hickville) says marriages that don’t produce children don’t contribute to society and aren’t real marriages. Guess my parents have to split up now. And most of my friends. Wonder what he would have thought of the French Canadian couple who lived next door to us at one point. They’re were happily unmarried with three teenaged kids. All their own.

Ice Prince has been accepted into French Immersion for next year (All French, All The Time! Until Grade 4!)

Fresh has purchased a guitar. And guitar paraphernalia. He’s practicing daily.

Took us three times as long to get to school this morning because we had to climb huge snow banks.

Watched Gods and Monsters last night. Pretty good.

Missed the Simpsons episode (don’t get that channel), so would appreciate any recaps.

And Brett is so ungrateful and mocking about the poll that didn’t work that I wash my hands of him. If anyone else is looking for love, I’d be happy to post an ad for you.

And if Gavin and Maria or Dave and Kat do get together, please come back and tell us what happened. I deserve to live vicariously through you for my efforts.

Today’s Interactive Fun
Hey, know what we haven’t done for ages? Cast my Life Story movie. Who would play you and who would play me?

A Friday Game of Kat and Mouse
Over on blamblog, it’s spring and a young man’s thoughts turn to love.

And love, these days, is decided by random strangers voting. Or it should be. At least in this case, many of the voters will know Brett.

We have two (self-declaring) candidates to marry Brett, and he has agreed to binding arbitration. YOU decide! (I was sad to see that Alice didn’t want to participate. I guess she’s still too heart broken. Besides, she had her go with Brett. It’s time for some fresh young blood.)

Our bachelorettes are:

Kat

I was born to left-wing hippies (as opposed to those right-wing
hippies you see so much) in Toronto. Almost born on the Don Valley
Parkway - good times! I was a weird kid who lived mostly in books, and
when I did emerge, I'd do odd things like kick my sister's friends in
the shins. I finally stopped being socially inept in high school,
though I was still weird. I discovered a disturbing love for Mystery
Science Theatre 3000, Douglas Adams, and Oscar Wilde. I came to
university a few years ago, found many friends who shared my love of
cartoons and sexual innuendo, and now I am delighting everyone who
knows me. And I have no ego problem whatsoever.

I should marry Brett because, really, I'm adorable and hilarious and
boys who can draw make me melt.

Maria
(No picture supplied. Artist’s impressions only.)

Maria tries to speak four languages, but speaks none of them fluently.
Maria knows how to cook, but sometimes dinner turns out to be very salty.
Maria can make her own sweaters, but it takes her about two years to finish
each.
Maria likes watching Jeopardy and shouting the answers at the TV, only
occasionally does she get them remotely right.
Maria has an expensive addiction: chicken wings (hot or suicide) and beer.

“At this stage in life I just want to be married, to anyone!”

(Okay, Maria just sent me a photo after all here it is:

"Here's my picture, it's a bit dark, but I think it works all right. And it shows what I can offer (lots of booze)."

So, what do you think?

VOTE NOW!

Bit and Bites
Tonight I am going to Crabby’s house to see her favourite movie: Only You.

Fresh is starting his guitar lessons on Saturday. He has rented a guitar and it smells good. Like wood. Like a good wood guitar should. Hey, that kind of makes me a groupie, eh?

What else, what else. I facilitated my first Planning Session yesterday. It went okay. I think I failed Flip Chart Paper Tearing.

I’m going to Goodwill tonight because they have a 50 per cent off sale tomorrow. Why does that logic make sense? There will be lots of good stuff there which people have not bought because they are waiting until tomorrow. I will snap it up tonight. Extra $3.50 be damned! Plus its very close to Crab Central.

And in the Small World After All category, the business colleague I shared a cab home with last night was once Branch Manager for my bank in Glencoe (2 years before I moved there) AND lives directly across the road from Mikevil and Markus (at #22). Wave at Brad, boys!

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times." ~Rita Rudner

Love, Sexsmith and Eating the Scones
Back from Glencoe. Ice Prince took some pictures, but I have to get them developed, so stay tuned. (No, I don’t have a digital camera. Feel free to buy me one, ardent admirers.)

Speaking of admirers, It’s Valentine’s Day.

If you have a sweetie, do you buy/expect a gift? I don’t. I do expect a nice dinner and a bottle of wine and some undivided attention. But then again, I usually expect that.

I might buy Fresh a CD I saw at Starbucks this morning. Not because I feel obligated, but because it looked good and he would like it: it’s got Rufus and Sondre on it. But no Ron Sexsmith. Sad. But I still have money left on my HMV gift card so I’m planning on buying Sexsmith’s album Retriever.

If you don’t have a sweetie (and even if you do), call your mom or dad or best friend and tell them how much you love them. After all, who says Valentine’s Day has to be about romantic love?

Now for some interactive fun.

My Dear Friend Dave® is now a guest star on Train 48. Really!

Anyhow, if you could guest star on a show, what show would you pick and what character would you be? How would you fit into the plot?

Tell me. I’ll think about it and be back later.

Leaving On The VIA Train…
Tomorrow, I’m going to Glencoe. I haven’t taken the train up in 4 years. Wow. Here’s what the train station used to look like when I was a teenager growing up there, before it fell apart, got moved and got refurbished. I can’t remember what’s there now instead – I think it’s just like a bus shelter thing.

Sidenote: When I was growing up, I wanted to be the announcer who said: “Welcome to VIA! VIA Bonjour! All aboard! Please. En voiture! S’il vous plait.”

I lived in Glencoe from 1981-1987. I wrote an epic poem about it. You can read it if you want to.
I’ll be taking a camera, of course. And the little Ice Prince, who hasn’t ridden on a train since he was 4 months old. A jumbo French fries will hold him until about Milton, after that all chaos will break loose as he performs “Stars on 45” for the Toronto-Windsor corridor. I’m thinking of bringing along the CD walkman and letting him rock out in silence. Well, except for the obligatory air guitaring.

He wants to “meet the ‘ductor” and “drive the train”. So if you read about any derailments, guess who’ll be getting a time out and no dessert?

I Share Because I Care
I’m writing a report on a building we are, well, building. Anyhow, the caissons are being done this week. If like me, you don’t know what a caisson is, you might be tempted to look it up on the ‘net. And you might run across this page, by Morrison Mud:

“Pipe Jacking, Caissons, and Structure Jacking
Note: This page deals with annulus lubrication. Regarding tunnelling methods which use additives, please click on slurry or epb/pumped muck.
What causes high jacking load?
When setting up for success on a difficult pipe jack it's worth considering how the ground conditions can affect overall friction.
Clay stickiness and swelling
Clay (bentonite) based lubricants can be of limited use in swelling clay. Consider a specialist additive such as TK60 Jacking Lubricant which actively prevent clay from swelling and contain powerful polymeric lubricants.
Loss of Lubricant to the Ground
Preventing lubricant loss to the ground can make all the difference. Choose Sloop or FibrouSeal to help maintain the annulus. These products can be added to your existing bentonite lubricant or used in a pure polymer mix.”

Who knew banking could be so interesting? Who knew I had such a puerile mind? Fine. You can all put your hands down now.

Oh, and by the way, a caisson is basically a big concrete column that holds a building up.

Homework, or "The Dog Ate My Post"
Sheryl over at Paper Napkin is considering having bloggers expound on their secret knowledge. Crabby is looking for speakers at a Symposium her organization is having.

This sounds fun, but I’m too lazy to have a Blogger Symposium. Let’s just do the fun part.

If I held a Symposium, what would the title of your speech be? And write your bio too, for the programme.

Okay, I’m really lazy today. So tell me what MY topic would be. And hey, write my bio too, if you’re up for it.

The Artist Soon To Be Known As Ice Prince
Ice Prince is a very good kid. Up until now, he would go to bed and stay there until 7:00 am or so, when he would sing to himself until I went and got him. It never occurred to him that he could get out of bed himself. But all that changed this weekend, when suddenly, Fresh and I were greeted with IP padding into our room and saying in a sing-song voice: “Good morning, my sweetie-girl!”

We went and had brunch at a pub yesterday and listened to live jazz. IP was very disappointed that he wasn’t allowed to play any instruments. Eventually, he solved this by commandeering my purse, which he transformed into:
1. A guitar (one strap over one shoulder and fingering chords on the other strap and strumming the purse)
2. A trumpet (blowing into one strap and playing notes on the other.)
3. A drum (obvious)

When the music slowed down, he switched to interpretive dance.

The boy need some music lessons. And soon!

Really more like guidelines...
The recipe of the evening is: VEAL SAUTÉ WITH MORELS AND WILD LEEKS

Except instead of leeks, I'm using green onions and instead of morels, I'm using a
portobello and some creminis.

I am also downloading (naughty girl!) some Louis Prima to listen to during dinner. (I am ashamed to admit that I was inspired by watching Jungle Book, where Louis sings: "I Wanna Be Like You.") Along the same line (Louis Prima, that is), if you like good movies and you like cooking, then you should definitely watch Big Night, which is a fantastic movie with what I thought was an excellent ending. Have you ever been enjoying a movie but thought: "I know how it's going to end, and it's going to be very pat and Hollwood and then I'll hate it."? Well, this one wasn't, it was charming. Go rent it.

Ice Prince Explains It All To You
IP: Let's go out and see the chrysalis this morning.
IQ: Do you know what a chrysalis is?
IP: The caberpiller crawls inside.
IQ: And then what happens?
IP: He has milk and cookies inside. And then he comes out a butterfly.

Now you know. Isn't science a wonderful thing?

A Quick Rant
I got a note home from the school.

Kindergarteners are not allowed to address their Valentine’s Cards, because that would cause too much work for the teachers to sort. Ice Prince is just supposed to sign a stack and hand ‘em in to be distributed pell mell. Or perhaps even willy-nilly.

I understand the problems of sorting but it’s VALENTINE’S DAY for the love of Pete! Yeah, nothing says “You’re special” like a generic unlabelled card.

As Crabby would say: “Stew-pid!”

Wit and Wisdom of The Ice Prince
IQ: “Hey, come look at this icicle, isn’t it beautiful?” (me pointing to an icicle hanging from a bush)
IP: “Yes, beautiful. It looks like a chrysalis.”
IQ: “Wha-?”

It kinda did, but where did my 4-year old learn THAT? And to use it properly in a sentence? Wild.

Problem at Work
I borrowed the Nigella Lawson book Feast from the library and I love it. But it’s one of those books you can only have for 7 days and can’t renew, so now I have to photocopy it.

If I only had an assistant or an intern…

Bought
A crocus plant in the subway for CNIB. Go buy one. You know you want to.

Pope Joke
In honour of the Pope feeling better, here's a joke my Nana told me years ago.

"When the cardinals met when the pope died, there was much discussion. They simply could nor agree on a successor and there was arguing. No one could hear anyone else speak. It was mayhem. Finally, one particularly sane and logical fellow said, "Why don't we just take a poll?" So they did."

(Get it? A Pole? One who is Polish? It's funnier out loud.)

"I Can't Believe It's Not Groundhog!®"
Milverton Mel Says: "Six More Weeks of Winter. And would it kill you to freshen the water in my bowl? No, not the tap stuff, the good Britta filter stuff. Do you want me to get a Urinary Tract Infection? And about that kid. Who was the ad wizard who decided to buy him musical instruments for Christmas, huh? Why don't you just get him a Little Johnny Vet Kit, for all the good it does me. And do you have to turn down the heat when you leave for the day? I mean, sure I've got a fur coat, but it ain't what it used to be, if you catch my drift. If I could manage a kitty combover, I would, I swear. And just because YOU don't watch to watch Matlock reruns, doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to see them sometimes. Did you know that Kevin Smith was on Degrassi and I MISSED IT? There are other programs than the news, you know. If the service doesn't pick up around the place soon, I'll answer the phone next time Johnny from Best Price Movers phones and arrange to have all your furniture shipped to Goodwill. My accent can't possibly be worse than his. And another thing..."

This blogroll is a drag.
My blogroll naming convetion has grown tiresome. I'm going to change y'all to drag queen names. You may submit your own, or I will give you one. Nothing too dirty - I don't want this site coming up NSFW. Implied dirty is fine, and much more clever.

And since I'm a total lazy ass, there are many people I have planned to add to the blogroll, but haven't yet (like Maria and Merv and even Travellin' JD). So if you think you should be there, let me know.

Thank you. This is the time at the Icicle Fief when we dance! You may NOT touch the monkey.