Don't Blame Me....

Yes, I Was A Child Bride
So my 13th Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow. According to this, I should be receiving lace and fur. Hot damn!

“What are you going to get me for our anniversary?” I asked Fresh.
“My undying affection.” he said.
“But that’s what you got me last year!” I wailed.

Actually, my anniversary present is that the election will be over. I get my Fresh back! Hurrah!

Douglas Adams Explains Why You Must Vote Today

"I come in peace," it (the alien robot) said, "take me to your Lizard."

Ford Prefect, of course, had an explanation for this. "It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..."

"You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?"

"No," said Ford, "nothing so simple. Nothing anything like to straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people."

"Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy."

"I did," said Ford. "It is."

"So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't the people get rid of the lizards?"

"It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want."

"You mean they actually vote for the lizards?"

"Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course."

"But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?"

"Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?"

An Important Election Day Message From Elections canada
Well, there goes my plan.

I'm Queen Of The World!
Here's me in my running outfit.

Post race photo by the Portapotties by Boomer.

Hopefully I'll get some media coverage and you can get a picture of me running too. Poetry in motion, I'm sure.

Golly, that was fun!

Yep, I did it. I went in the Pride Run in full royal regalia. I ran okay. I eventually caught up to B!ll Gr@ham, Fresh's boss, and ran with him. We ended up crossing the finish line together amid a flurry of flashes, so it's entirely possible that we might be in Xtra or Fab next week. The announcer said, "And here comes B!ll Gr@ham, Fore!gn Aff@irs M!nister with the Queen of the Riding." Oh, I'm loving that! Next stop: my own program on City-TV.

Boomer was there and took some pictures. Fresh was there too with Ice Prince. IP was wearing a purple crushed velvet jester's hat with stars.

I did not however, see Mikevil. I was very disappointed and nearly cried, but then I remembered I was wearing mascara.

So pictures will be up early next week.

I'm so proud of me! Hurrah me!

Waiting for Those Creative Juices (now 99.9% pulp-free)
I owe Grumpy and Lola each a song. Technically, I owe Boomer a song too, but he gave before the incentive plan and had a full day of blogging devoted to him instead.

Busy day. Songs will follow. Thanks to all of my sponsors (check out the Glacier of Gratitude)! More later, I hope.

Whoa Oh! Take The Money And Run

Hey you! Yes, you.

I'm running in the Pride and Remembrance Run on Saturday in a purple fur trimmed cape, tiara and gloves (and something underneath the cape I'm sure.)

I'm looking for a few good sponsors.

Is supporting people with AIDS not a good enough incentive? Fine. For your donation, you will receive:

$5 Your name on the Ice Queen's Glacier of Gratitude (to be put here on the blog)
$10 Poem Written especially for you by The Ice Queen
$20 Song Written to the tune of another song written especially for you by the Ice Queen
$30 Copy of Ice Queen's Fashion Cares DVD
$40 Book from the Ice Queen's personal library for you to keep forever with a personalized inscription
$50 Ice cube tray (local sponsors can choose to also have ice cubes in tray at no extra cost!)
$100 Pan of my world famous brownies
$200 Lock of hair (act before noon Thursday, I'm getting my hair cut)
$500 Photo of me naked (Disclaimer: I'm about 3 months old in the photo.)

Go to the link on the left and give it up for the Ice Queen!

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Crabby Says®, Now Appearing in the Icicle Fief!
Today’s Guest blogger is Crabby! Here’s what’s on her mind today:

Stupid things I said when I was young(er), that I now rescind:
Feta cheese stinks. I hate it.
I will never be too busy to talk to you.
I want to be an airline stewardess.
My sister is a pain in the ass.
I prefer male friends to female friends.
Bagged salad? How pathetic.
James Bond? How pathetic. (Actually, I still say this.)
I will never have unprotected sex.
I will never have sex on a first date.
I want to have twins.
Cats are filthy and disgusting.
I will never have plastic surgery.
I don't want to be rich.
I will always vote for the good, not to get rid of the bad.

IQ’s editorial comment: Personally, I still think bagged salad is pathetic. And I never use it all, and then it goes all slimy. May as well bulk buy a small quantity of mesclun.

Happy Birthday, Crabby!

I'm cleaning out my hard drive for a conversion tomorrow night. I found this from last year:

Good Mother

I've got crackers in my pocket
I ‘ve got rice in my hair
I've got a kid who loves me
Got a trike, I've got some cats
I am a good mother
And his voice is what wakes me up
(chorus)
Milk on ground
‘Ghetti in hand
Facing backwards
On the bus
I've, I've never wanted sleep
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted sleep
So bad... so bad
Trail of Cheerios wherever we've been
Thrown out with all the crayoned, ripped up,
Peed on, God Damned upholsteries
You could say he’s hard to hold
But if you knew him you'd know
I've got a strong son
And his strength is what makes me spry
(chorus)
I've got cookies in my pocket
I’ve got cheezies in my hair
I've got a kid who loves me
Got a kiss, I've got a hug
I’m a good mother
And my voice is what keeps him here
“Feet on ground
Boots on feet
Facing forward
Behave yourself
Just sit down
Tongue off seat
Facing forward
Behave yourself
Just behave yourself
Just behave yourself”
Juice on ground, snack in hand
Snack on ground, snack in hand

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
Ice Prince was dragging out chairs and plates yesterday.
“I’m having a ‘because’ party.”
“What’s a because party?”
“Because I want to have one.”

Ice Queen: The Opera
I have decided that there is no need to train myself silly for the Pride Run. There’s no way in hell I’ll finish. I might make it to Queen’s Park. Maybe. I have planned instead to win “Best Dressed.”
Ice Prince and I went through his costume box yesterday. He has chosen for himself a hot pink, neon green and yellow spandex body suit with gold sequin trim and a green crown. Fresh has changed his mind about taking him to Golden Griddle while I run. I could put him (IP) in the big ass stroller and just “trot”. He looks so good! Maybe we could just walk together. Actually, he can really boogie sometime. It could be fun….

As for my costume, I’m having problems. But here’s where I’m going at lunch today:

“Dress like a Diva! Canadian Opera Company Costumes on sale
The COC will be holding a Costume Sale on Monday, June 21, 2004 from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. A variety of shoes, dresses, jackets, shirts, pants, skirts, and hats in various sizes and styles will be up for grabs. Come and be transformed into your favourite Diva/Divo fantasy, be it a French Princess, Moravian peasant, fantastical animal or another character. Prices start at $1 and all sales are cash only—bring your own bag.

The sale will take place at the Joey and Toby Tanenbaum Opera Centre at 227 Front St. E. Proceeds will go to the COC.”

Wish me luck!

Horrifying and Yet You Can’t Look Away
Got the fancy new laptop. Saw the DVD. Ice Prince laughed and laughed. “Mommy’s singing and dancing! Show me again!” Laugh, little man, laugh. And remember the humiliation your mother can create in front of your friends should you ever decide to misbehave as a teenager.

The first 20 seconds are pretty damn fine. Then the back up dancers come in and confuse me.

My Gift To You
Busy today, possums, but here's a little treat to waste your time on a summery Friday:

The Coolest Song Bits of All Time!

Agree? Disagree? Feel free to suggest your own.

Before and After Ice Queen
Thanks to Radmila for the great portrait maker.

(That's a microphone, okay? No comments from the peanut gallery. I said peanut!)

Ice Queen's Debate Summary

Stephen Harper: Has been studying old tapes of Mulroney and Kennedy. Excellent delivery. Calm under pressure. Nice hair. Shame about their platform. The 21st Century called. You’re invited to join us.
Paul Martin: Too well-briefed by his handlers and unable to ad lib where necessary. Too many mentions of the Royal Commission. All the years of being PM in waiting and now this?! Say it ain’t so! Chretien called. And laughed his ass off.
Jack Layton: Lovin’ the camera. Ooooo, yeah, who’s your daddy? Smiled so much at the camera, he almost appeared to be mocking the audience. Dr. McGillicuddy’s Travelling Circus called. They want their snake oil back.
Gilles Duceppe: I’m a sucker for an accent. Hey wait! There's no Bloc candidate in my riding. What a rip!

Result: I’m voting Green. Which is funny, because if they had actually included the Green Party leader, I might have changed my mind based on what he said. As is, I’m going by a lovely pamphlet. And I read that if the Green Party gets enough of the vote (2%? 4%? I have a short attention span) that they get funding for research. They’ll get something like $1.25 per vote. You’re welcome, Jim.

Baby, I’m a Star!
Well, here they are. Like I said, I’m busy today, so feel free to come up with your own witty depreciating comments for these:




New Readers: This is me singing at Fashion Cares. Yes, I was the opening act for Miss Patti Labelle. On another stage. In another room. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Note: My contact lenses hadn't come in yet. Sigh.

Afternoon Delight
Coming this afternoon: stills from the Ice Queen's Debut Music Video. Watch for it!

(With thanks to Boomer, Queen's Official Multimedia Artist)

Cawfee Tawk
Sorry, kids. At work today and busy busy busy.

Ice Prince is doing okay. His face is covered and he even has a chicken pock on his eyeball. But it's not slowing him down much. He's home with Fresh today and I'm trying to get some stuff done here at work.

So talk amongst yourselves. Don't even have time to give you a topic.

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP ICE QUEEN AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Under the (Bad) Influence
Oh, I forgot to mention. Ice Prince's GP (that's short for Gradnpa) came to visit and taught Ice Prince a new game called "Achoo!"

Ice Prince runs up to his Dad, pretends to sneeze and dangles a long piece of green playdoh from his nose. "Daddy, I need a kleenex!"

A Pox Upon Both Your Houses!
Ice Prince is home with what seems to be the chicken pox. More later. Working on my crappy home computer. Fancy new one due next week!!!!

In the meantime, how safe is your bathroom?

The Queen is pleased.

Boomer has written his review to the tune of "New York New York" all by himself! I'm so proud. My little banker is growing up!

However, it touts the sale of my DVD, so now I have to design the cover, etc. etc. Stay tuned for that.

"Start spreading the news
The Ice Queen's on stage
You need to see it to believe it, buy the DVD, buy the DVD
That $15 dress
Lights up the stage
The funds go to a good cause
Buy the DVD, Buy the DVD
She's got B-Girlz Conchita, Hard Kora, and Barbie Q
And 4 dancing boys dressed as girls too
She sings and she dances
It's a sight not to be missed
She'll raise a fortune with it
Buy the DVD
It's a special show just at Fashioncares
Patti and Icey don't just sing anywhere
It's up to you, buy the DVD, buy the DVD
Buy the DVD"

All funds from the currently being designed DVD of Mass Humiliation go to my Pride and Remembrance Sashay. (Run? In the heat? Besides, they don't care as long as I pony up the dough. Or do they? How about a scooter? Maybe I could rent roller blades......I'm "hell on wheels in a black dress" - name that tune, my current fave for motivation.)

My lunch date Dear Friend Dave is running a little behind but promises it will make a wonderful story, so I had time to finish my song.

Remember my "Smells Like David Miller" song? (see November archives, Nov 8th.) Well it's time for:
Layton (sung to the tune of Layla by Eric Clapton. Fast or slow version, your choice. If you don't know this song, go sit in the corner for the rest of lunch hour and think about what you've done wrong.)

Well you know you won’t get lonely
With wifey running by your side
You’ve been running and winning much too long.
You know it’s just your foolish pride.

Layton, you’re running in my riding
Layton, and yet I’m still deciding
Layton, honey won’t you shave off your moustache

I tried to give you consideration
’cause I think Mills is such a clown.
Don’t know what to do, can’t fall in love with you,
Although I like Olivia Chow

Layton, the lesser of the evils
Layton, you’re cute but no Mikevil
Layton, darling won’t you ease my indecision

You’ve teeth like little chiclits
Wear pastels just like a pro
You’d do just great in Opposition
Still hurtin’ from my vote for Bob Rae, d’oh!.

Queer Eye for the Little Guy
Boomer has been asked to provide a review of the Ice Queen's Fashion Cares DVD. Watch for it.

This morning, Ice Prince, as usual, chose a free paper to carry on the subway. This morning he chose Xtra. This week's Xtra has a woman on the cover wearing only skimpy undies.

Ice Prince also likes to, every night, take a flyer from the girl handing them out outside the Shoe Company. It boldly announces Body Piercing Services on neon paper.

My boy, the urban preschooler.

I'm Here, I'm Queer. Who Knew?

I	Intense
C	Clever
E	Edgy
Q	Queer
U	Unnatural
E	Enjoyable
E	Exciting
N	Naughty

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Stupid Adult Tricks aka Things That Really Piss Me Off
"Was it murder or mishap? That's what police in Brantford are trying to figure out, after the discovery of two-year-old boy's body in a family car.

The search for Noah Gaudet began early Monday night, when he went missing from the front yard of his home, where he'd been quietly playing with another youngster. When his mother came out to find him later on that evening, he was gone."

LATER ON THAT EVENING?! What kind of idiot mother would leave their 2 year old kid outside to play in the front yard? For a couple of hours?! Ice Prince is allowed to play alone in the back fenced yard while I'm in the kitchen with big windows overlooking the yard. If I don't hear any noise for 30 seconds, I go check on him.

I have nothing more to say. I'm speechless!

The Ice Queen's Canadian Election Special

Having trouble deciding like me? Here's your handy dandy guide to the OTHER political parties in Canada. (Outlaw, not sure what party you thought made us famous. Wasn't the Greens. We did have a party a while back that involved magician Doug Henning levitating himself....we Canadians are wacky folk.)

Parti Citron: Sour to the People! For a bitter Canada, vote lemon!
Platform:
”Paul Martin says he likes lemons, but we see through desperation. As Finance minister for 8 years, Martin did diddley squat to protect and promote our greatest natural resource. Come election time, the Prime Minister is quick to project a pro-lemon image, but his record is clear. Canadians can expect neither responsibility nor crates of lemons with Paul Martin's Liberals.”

Rhinoceros Party
Folded in 1993, but their platform included:
Lower the boiling point of water to save energy, count the Thousand Islands to make sure none were missing, repeal the laws of gravity and breed mosquitoes to hatch in January “so the little buggers freeze to death.”

The Absolutely Absurd Party
Platform:
1. Reduce the legal voting age to 14. "When was the last time a 14 yr old started a war?"
2. “All free trade issues be they with The United States, Mexico or any other Country will deal only with the all-important matter of Breakfast and Lunch. We plan to rewrite the NAFTA agreement to state that Mexico and The USA must supply all Canadians with that all-important first meal of the day: Breakfast. In turn we will supply them with that less then important meal lunch. In fact our negotiation team is presently drafting a deal where The USA and Mexico will supply us with a free all you can eat Brunch and we supply them with a cheap $0.69 Burger with small fries, drink extra.”
3. Streamline the Department of Defense by replacing the Department with a crack, elite squad of Rock/Paper/Scissors

Seen and Heard: Ad in Newspaper

Go from “Don’t touch that kid!”
to
“Can I help you with your bags sir?”

Message to copywriter: Would you like to buy a comma or is your target market p@edophiles?

Make a Note
Ronald Reagan is having a sunset funeral.

Brilliant! I want that too—when the time comes, naturally.

My 15 Minutes Are Over
No DVD of my Fashion Cares performance yet. They either sent it straight to a record producer or straight to America's Funniest Home Videos.

The Ice Queen is available for private parties.

It Ain't Easy Being Green
I am seriously thinking about voting for the Green Party. I'm just beginning to research them and so far I like them. Anyone know anything about them that I haven't discovered yet? (legislated cannibalism, etc.) They have a lot of stuff on their website I have to wade through. I saw a brochure of theirs and was very impressed. (excellent graphic design, clever-but not mean-marketing, and so far I like their policies.)

Normally I fall in the Liberal to NDP range, but I'm just not feeling the love this time around. And no, I don't vote strategically, I vote they way my gut tells me to.

Boom Boom Boom Let’s Go...
Boomer is complaining that I didn’t put up a good photo of him. So Lola (new reader) has chosen the following photo in which Boomer “looks hot”. Don’t worry, boys, Lola is just a friend. Boomer is still available. Send your CVs and BVDs to the Icicle Fief and I’ll pass ‘em on.

Boomer Revealed, really!

Boomer has deigned to show his face. He even supplied the picture. (He’s the one on the left.) Apparently, we’ve known each other for so long, that there are black and white photos of us.

It’s Ice Queen’s First Annual Festival of Hair!
A walk down memory mane with the Ice Queen. Bear in mind that these are all bad photos of me, posted for your amusement. I really look much better than this.


Bowl cut, super huge 1980s glasses

Reddish brown mullet.

Red Perm, rectangular glasses

That’s Boomer I’m clicking pint glasses with. He’s shy.

Taking charge of yet another special event with a red bob.

Super short strawberry blonde. Hey, you can even see the back! Nice photography.

Okay, go ahead and laugh. Poke fun. Frolic. Enjoy yourselves at my follicular expense.

Gone Today, Hair Tomorrow
Kinda busy today, but tomorrow watch for the Ice Queen's
Festival of Hair!

I've had almost every hairstyle and colour. Tomorrow see some of the coiffure faux pas of the Queen's past. Fun for the whole family!

The Kids Are Alright
Busy day ahead. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic:
Daniel Radcliffe: How many day, hours, minutes until he's legal? He reminds me of Chris Makepeace - star of Meatballs and My Bodyguard. Sigh.

One of my jobs today: find a less offensive picture than the man with the pickle for our newsletter.