The Skirt Report

We here at Icicle Fief (that’d be me and Boomer) have conducted an exhaustive research study. Today I am wearing my “cranberry” skirt.

We asked two men what colour my skirt is. They initially looked suspicious, but finally responded.
Guy 1: Maroon.
Guy 2: Brown.

Guy 1 is single and is suspected to be gay despite the fact that he has a long suffering girlfriend.
Guy 2 is married with a young son.

So the verdict is:
TRUE. Real Men can’t distinguish colours. (When I called Guy 1 a girly-man after his response, he was pleased.)

Icicle Fief: For All Your Quality Market Research Needs.

The Queen Strikes Back


Markus has recently suggested on his blog that he uses a Darth Vader helmet during extracurricular activities with Mikevil.

Might I suggest this site to Mr. Evil?

A Slice of Ice Queen's Job

In the copy I've just been given:
"The Centre is provider independent and technology and process agnostic."

Does it mean to say that the Centre doesn't believe we can know anything about technology and process?

What word can they possibly have mistaken this for? Or is this a new business buzzword? Or is it merely a bad case of Spell Chek?

I Am An S-M-R-T Shopper
Productive day yesterday. I got my pneumonia vaccine and then I went to Value Village and got:
Liz Claiborne wool skirt
Cranberry coloured suede skirt
Cranberry coloured taffeta shell top
Beautiful tiger costume (guess what IP wants to be for Hallowe’en?)
Icky tiger costume (in case he turned up his nose at the nice one. He didn't.)
Brown alligator pumps (Marks and Sparks – look like they were never worn)
Fairisle wool mitts
Camel coloured wool scarf

All for $35.

Lookin’ goooo-oood!

Breaking News!

My hapless headhunters want me to be an Underwear Designer!

"Our client, a Canadian owned and operated, Intimate Apparel Manufacturer, located in Truro, Nova Scotia is seeking an Apparel/Graphic Designer, who has experience working with large retailers, to work in their head office. This position is located in Truro, Nova Scotia. All relocation cost will be paid."

I'd like to move to Nova Scotia, but, sadly, have limited knowledge of knicker construction.

More From the Grab Bag
Didn’t get to run this morning because my alarm woke Ice Prince up. I had to crawl in with him. He never quite goes back to sleep, so he talked to me for an hour in the dark. Suddenly, he said “Mommy, you deserve a new dress!” Nice, I thought.

When Fresh woke up, IP bolted into the bathroom:
“Daddy! Daddy! We have to buy Mommy a new dress!”
“Sure kid, are you going to pay for it?”
“It’s okay. Mommy has money.”

Watched the Muppet Show last night while I ironed.

Hootchie Mama has a daughter. Didn’t manage to see the daughter’s shoes. But I decided that if I wore some very cool shoes, maybe she’d comment on them and we’d start talking. Hmmm…….

In the comments section, I spoke of a bossy parent at the school. Know who she looked like? Remember in Priscilla Queen of the Desert when Bernice tells the mean woman in the bar to light he tampon because that’s the only bang she’ll ever get? That’s what this parent looked like. The mean woman. Not Bernice.

I want to be Bernice when I grow up. I think she’s beautiful and strong and smart.

When I Was an Icicle…
Ice Prince goes to the school library on Mondays. I remember when I was in Grade 1, we got to go to the library and take out a book. I only took one book out, I kept renewing it over and over again. The book was Little Witch’s Black Magic Cookbook. Funny how I still have a passion for cooking, eh?

I wonder what IP will bring home.

Bit and Bites
Go enjoy the Haiku O' Truth. Yeah, baby, yeah.

I am currently reading the book The Nanny Diaries. In it, there is a chapter called "Night of the Banking Dead." Do I sense a new drinking night name? I think I do!

My running's going fine. Thanks for asking. I seem to have lost weight. I almost fit back into my leather skirt, which is nice. Unfortnately, I now need to buy a smaller sports bra or suffer whiplash.

Hootchie Mama had on such spectacular shoes today (silver stilletos with laces up the calves, you know) that a little girl behind Ice Prince in the Kindergarten line yelled out: "Mommy, look at that lady's fancy shoes!" I am determined to make friends with her - or at least speak to her. She gets off in her get up at Bay Station every morning. Maybe we could car pool! Oh, wait. I don't have a car. Never mind.

Brand Yourself!
I also found a great slogan generator. Try it yourself!



I also enjoyed:
"Gonna be a while? Grab an Ice Queen."
"All you Need Is an Ice Queen and a Dream."
"Oh Hungry? Oh Ice Queen!"

Although if I were Markus, I be a bit concerned about THIS one:

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves
Ice Prince is currently making me watch Lady and the Tramp for what must be the 40th time. And when you watch a movie so many times, you begin to ask questions:

For Example:

In the bedroom scene, Lady's owners are sleeping together in the same bed. This movie was made in 1955. In the 50's, Lucy and Ricky had to have twin beds and so did Laura and Rob on the Dick Van Dyke Show in the 60s. Not until the late 60s were Samantha and Darrin of Bewitched allowed to share the marital bed.

However, reaserch reveals that ONCE earlier on the I Love Lucy Show, Fred and Ethel shared a bed out of necessity. The year? 1955.

Were Lady's libertine owners the ground breakers? If an animated children's feature could show people sleeping together, why couldn't television?

Yes, here at the Icicle Fief, we like taking on the tough political issues. Of 1955.

Blame It On The Pocky
So Fresh has been working crazy crazy hours since his promotion. He gets home around 9 at night and leaves before I do in the morning. Haven’t seen much of him or had a chance to talk.

Yesterday he opens up the cupboard and finds a Berlitz CD I got from the library.

“You’re learning Japanese? Since when?”

I wonder if he thinks I’m having an affair with someone Japanese? Buwahahahahahaha!

P.S. To Crabby: I promise to leave David Suzuki alone. He’d probably just bitch to me about the fact that green wine bottles (which most red comes in) are not technically recyclable.

Look at me! Look at me!
Fine. If no one likes my crude humour, I’ll go back to discussing soup.

No, Instead, I think I’ll post a picture of myself naked. That oughta get some discussion going.

Oh My!
It seems that CBS has discovered that Janet Jackson had plans to reveal more naughty bits than she did.

Five Things That Taste Good on Salads
Nice cheese (stilton, goat, paramesan)
Roasted pears
Nuts (esp pecans and walnuts)
Mango
Avocado

Five Things That Do Not Belong On Salad
Mandarin Oranges
Liquid Paper
Jolly Ranchers
Dental Floss
Pudding

My Favourite Soups
1. Italian Wedding Soup
2. Chicken Coconut Soup with lots of mushrooms
3. Real wild mushroom soup
4. Tom Yum Soup
5. Carrot, the way my Nana made it with whipping cream
6. Real chowder

"Baby. It's 3am I must be psycho...."
Hey, remember I said at least this wasn't the antibiotic that makes me psycotic?

Well, guess what. It is.

Just woke up in a total panic about not having put the mortgage money in my account in time. Ran downstairs, desperate to try to get the money in the account. Turned on the computer to transfer some money, pulled on my sneakers to go despoit some cash.

And realized that it's not due to come out until tomorrow.

Oh boy. I can't wait to go to work and see what drugged up Ice Queen can manage to accomplish there. Especially with that old Performance Review thing.

Never a dull moment!

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
At home sick. Dr. Hibbert says I have a floppy and infected uvula (that's the hanging thing at the back of your throat, you dirty-minded dyslexics). It feels gross, like I'm choking, and is excruciatingly painful.

"Hee hee hee! What am I going to do with you? Here, try these antibiotics. If you're not better in 24 hours, call me immediately, you'll need a shot."

Or maybe he said I'll need to BE shot. I really must listen more carefully.

Naturally, my anibiotics have side effects which are icky and you don't need to know, but it's better than the ones that made me psychotic, running around the house in a panic, thinking we'd lost the Ice Prince. (that was last year)

I'm supposed to be working on my I-PEP (my fellow employees know of which I speak), but I find it's hard to write when I'm not in a good self-esteem mode. Now I feel like I may be sliding back into 6 months of illness like last year at this very time. (new readers: I was on STD --not HAD an STD-- for about 3 months last winter. A couple of bouts of pneumonia.) I'm so worried it will happen again.

Sorry I'm not more amusing today. But if anyone wants to say anthing to boost my self-esteem, it would help greatly in inspiring me to write my performance appraisal. Yes, we write our own. "I invented the Internet. I devised a way to turn used toner cartridges into fossil fuels. I donated my gold fillings to the employee incentive program. I am love." Sigh.

Blitzed on Wolf Blass?

Beware. This could happen to you.

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em
Pocky, that is.



View more fine photos like this over at Mikevil's. It's worth the drive to Acton!

But all in good taste, of course
I managed to make it home from Bankers Gone Wild night with all my clothes, which was a nice change of pace. Now that I'm awake (and mercifully not hungover by some miracle), I'm concerned about certain pictures - volumes of pictures that were taken. I'm sure JustMark (whom I adore, incidentally. You may keep him.) will post them toute suite when he and Mr. Evil get back from Gaelic class. If they ever made it there. (I don't understand people who are shy about having their photo taken. Silly rabbits!)

Too much fun! Thank you Mikevil, JustMark, Sister Stacey Patrick and Boomer for a night to remember. If I only could.....

Hootchie Mama Update
This morning, she was wearing jeans and a not so slutty top, but she was wearing bright pink metallic simulated (of course) lizard skin stilettos.

As soon as I get a digital camera, I’ll stop seeing stuff like this.

Idol Thoughts
Watching Canadian Idol. A guilty pleasure, because Fresh would not approve. Not edifying enough. But he's working late.

1. Jacob ruled.

2. But what the hell was he doing and why did Ben push him away? Ah, if only they had kissed, like Crabby had hoped!

3. Ryan Malcolm's song was fabulous -- but he did a crappy job of singing it. If only Jacob had sung it, it would have ROCKED.

4. Kalan's singing is good quality, but he is a freaky pretty boy zombie with no personality. Fruit Cocktail summed it up when she compared his winsome sidways glances to Princess Di.

5. Theresa is a darling. Talented, humbled, pretty but not in your face. The perfect Canadian.

6. A cowboy hat on Kalan? But shit, he does sing well.


Okay, you're on Canadian Idol. Choose a song to sing by:
Gordon Lightfoot
Lionel Richie
Elton John
Billy Joel
Stevie Wonder
Kenny Loggins

I choose:
GL: Sundown
LR: Truly
EJ: Skyline Pigeon
BJ: Captain Jack
SW: Overjoyed
KL: House at Pooh Corner (cheating, since this technically includes Messina), so by himself: Forever

Aw, man. Now I want to do karaoke tomorrow night......I'm a bad singer, but I do it with great enthusiasm.

Now, back to the show.....

Late addition: Well, yes, Kalan won. I admit grudgingly that he did do an excellent job. But smiling and showing a little enthusiasm wouldn't have hurt. Maybe he's on drugs.

For Chip

Here's the sleeve of the shirt I'm wearing today.



And I say it's perfectly appropriate attire for a banker. I can get away with it because I'm considered the "creative" one. Eccentricity is just one part of my skill set.

We Queens Have To Stick Together
So after a horrible haircut experience with Ice Prince on Saturday, we sat down and I found a Virgin Mary medal under the bench. I put it in my purse.

Today, I looked in my purse and found it. It’s on a thin blue cord. So I decided to wear it, thinking that I could use a little inspiration from another mother who surely must have had some problems with her son growing up. “Honey, please don’t change your juice into wine.” “Sweetie pie, that’s the lamb we’re having for dinner, please don’t heal it.”

Anyhow, there’s an inscription on it, which I just looked up on the Internet. It says:
“Regina sine labe originali concepta”
which translates as
“Queen conceived without original sin”

How likely is it that I of all people would find this?

Ringo, the Artist Formerly Known as Ice Prince
(not exactly as pictured)

So I took Ice Prince in today and tried to make an appointment with the teacher. She says “No need. I just wanted you to be aware of the problem. We’ll work on it. It’ll take some time. I just hoped you could reinforce some things at home – like asking him to sit quietly on the carpet.”

Oh. Well, that was simple enough. And what, you may ask, were his transgressions?

“Well, one example is when he was drumming during storytime.”

Hootchie Mama
When dropping off Ringo today, I saw Hootchie Mama coming out from dropping her kid off.. She is about 20 years old, was wearing hot pink stilettos, a teeny pink tank top with her bra straps and tattoo showing, and a micro mini skirt that showed her panties (surprisingly not pink) when she sat down on the bus.

She got on the subway with me, but it was so crowded, I didn’t see where she got off.

What kind of job has that kind of uniform at 9 am? The heels certainly didn’t look comfy.

And what if I somehow become friends with Hootchie Mama? And then she starts reading my blog and finds out I call her Hootchie Mama?

She’s probably typing in her own blog right now about the freaky girl in the retro jazz singers shirt. Wonder what she’ll name me?

B-b-b-b-b-b-bad to the Bone
Is it possible to expel a Junior Kindergartener? Stay tuned and find out. The teacher has sent a message through my daycare provider that Ice Prince has some behaviour problems and she needs to speak to me. Polite, eh? I guess my phone numbers weren't on any of the 10 forms I filled out last week. Who knew?

And then, my daycare provider told me that she and her husband can no longer drop IP off at school in the mornings because the other kid they took to school with IP is leaving and her husband got his shift changed around.

So, in a nutshell:
1. Kid may be expelled. Need to find new school? Miltary school? Private school? Home school? What?
2. Daycare won't drop him off, which means Fresh or I have to, which means big headaches around work, because our jobs do not exactly start at 9:30ish.
3. Kid may be bad seed and end up in correctional institute for junior offenders, thus solving both problems. Honey, if you have to commit a crime, how about something that would be revenue generating for your dear old mum, eh? There's a good boy.

Bloody, bloody, bloody.

One Of Life’s Great Mysteries…Like How They Get the Caramel in the Caramilk Bar
Everyone is posting mush stuff.
Crabby written something nice about Mr. Crabby
The Mister has written something nice about Radmila
And Mikevil and JustMark are just disgusting adorable in love all the time.
(Go to the links section, I’m busy today.)

“What of Fresh?” you cry. What wonderful sort of man was able to capture the Ice Queen’s heart?

I’ll think about it and tell you tomorrow.

For those of you who know us both, speculation is welcome.

Actually, the story of how he became known as Fresh is one of the reasons I love him….

An Emily Litella Moment
Florida's Panhandlers Are Preparing for Hurricane Ivan?

Sorry, You'll Be Humming This One All Day. I Am.
Have you been good all day? Okay, then. I just got off the phone after spending one hour with a charming IT professional (aka Computer Guy). While I was waiting, I wrote you a song:

Private Banker

You wanna make a million dollars
You want a Hummer and some DVDs
Who needs a husband and some children
Heck, I’ll throw in mine for free
All the men come to these places
And their suits are all the same
Wearing Monday faces
They just want to play the game,

I’m your private banker
I’ll make you some money
Cause that’s what you want me to do
I’m your private banker
So give me your money
Any old greenbacks will do

Not Bre-X or Nortel
(Insert my bank here) will do nicely thank you
Let me loosen up your wallet
Tell me, do want me to examine your portfolio again?
Ohhhhhh…….

Gotta Love The Bad Boy
I'm in a foul mood because Jacob Hoggard got kicked off Canadian Idol. Now that idiot cherubic boy will probably win. I said to Boomer, I hope Kalan (what the hell kind of name is that?) ends up on Surreal Life with Tammy Faye and Ron Jeremy. Yeah, you heard me. "Look at me, I'm so pouty and non-threatening to 12 year old girls. Wanna come over and play Barbies? Then we can give each other facials and braid each others' hair!" Bleagh.

So, what she said. Go, enjoy.

Meet the Teacher
The school has redeemed itself:
1. She apologized for the interview time mix-up
2. She said Ice Prince was very well-behaved in class
3.They're going to teach him phonics (I didn't think they did that anymore, but I think it's important)

This weekend, we practice walking by the playground without spazzing and standing on the line outside the kindergarten door.

Next year: Senior Kindergarten - French Immersion. Really, really!

I Didn't Cheat. This Really Was My Answer!

You will perish of fits. Repeat this to yourself:
"Things can work out even if I don't get
my way. Things can work out even...."


What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ice Queen's Roots Exposed in Major National Magazine!
Got the new issue of Food and Drink and it's magnificent. But one feature on fall fairs made me nearly choke on my California Rolls:
"Glencoe Fair
The Glencoe Fair...does a wonderful job of exposing visitors to aspects of both rural and urban life. Hosted in a town, it has access to urban amenities, but...a strong agriculrtural focus. Glencoe Fair is a delightful melange of tradition, education and entertainment.

Saturday is packed full of activities including a huge community parade and agriculture and livestock shows for cattle, sheep, horses and swine."

I could go on. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Well, I spent my formative years in Glencoe (age 12 - 18) and I can tell you the dirty truth!

The urban amenities in the article most likely refer to hot and cold running water. There is also a Becker's, where I once got lectured by my boss in 1985 for dressing inappropriately. (I think I was wearing some sort of Madonna/Whitney Houston get-up). There were no stop lights when I lived there but I seem to rememebr one from last time I visited, so Glencoe is indeed barrelling into the 20th century.

The fair itself is pleasant and all - if you live there and are starved for entertainment. Looking at blue ribbon squash and watching Bessie Bingo (in which the field is divided into squares and you bet on which square the cow will take a dump in - no, seriously!) is all very nice. But I certainly wouldn't recommend that any Bay Street bankers reading Food and Drink drive their Mercedes two and a half hours to Glencoe to enjoy it.

Ice Prince's First Day of School
How did it go? How did it go you ask? Well, if I may quote the musical Oliver!:
"Boy, boy for sale!
He's going cheap
Only seven shillings.
Have you ever seen as nice
A boy for sale?"

No, Seriously, Was It Really That Bad?
It was awful. Ice Prince saw the playground at the school and had a TOTAL meltdown because he couldn't go play. TOTAL. Screaming, crying, yelling, flailing. All the other parents and their docile children stood staring and me and the spawn of Satan.

Nothing as Nice As A Hearty Welcome!
I finally got him over to the JK line, where he collapsed in a snit heap. The teacher came down the line greeting all the children. "This is Colin, " I said, with a sheepish smile.
"Why are you here?" she replied.
"He's in your class."
"I'll just have to check that."
"I have a letter right here from the school."
She examined the letter.
"Well, this is all wrong, but since he's already here, he might as well stay."
(It seems the teacher is supposed to have the parent interview BEFORE the first day and the school screwed up on sending me the info.)

Harper Valley PTA Meets The Ice Queen
During the hour (first day is only an hour long), another parent and I went up to the staff lounge where the PTA President and her minion were hosting a welcome coffee for parents. Three of us showed up.

Well, it was dull as toast. The Pres regaled us with wasp-y PTA thrills, such as the Family Dance! The BBQ! The Free Apples for Children Once A Year! The Fitness Mural they comissioned! When the other parent suggested a clothing exchange (Parents bringing in stuff their darling had outgrown) I piped up:
"I have experience in event planning too. Although they seldom end in a clothing exchange unless there's an open bar involved."

Right now the PTA Pres is secretly hoping I don't join, and I'm thinking of doing so just to make her life a living hell.

(P.S. Yes, I really said that, and several other "inappropriate" things.)

It's My Potty And I'll Cry If I Want To
So I pick up the boy after the hour, and again with the tantrum and the screaming and so forth. And more parents staring. These are the neighbours I had planned to meet and befriend. Sigh. Maybe they'll like me better after they attend the "clothing exchange".

Then I went to Fresh's office, closed his door and cried for half an hour.

Tomorrow is our interview with the teacher (which is "all wrong"). Will she suggest Ice Prince wait a year? Can they possibly expel him from Junior Kindergarten? Will Ice Queen turn the PTA on its head (I did promise to show up to the Family Dance in a prom dress and corsage...)?

Stay tuned.

Lord, I feel like a parent!
Tomorrow is the big day. Ice Prince gets his first taste of school. He wants to wear his Hawaiian shirt. Fresh thinks he’ll look like a tourist, but I think it’s sweet.

Because we moved when I was a kid, I attended TWO different kindergartens.

The first was wonderful. The teacher was sweet. I had a boyfriend named Jimmy Nickel (Bonus points if you can tell me the significance of another Jimmy Nickel who was much too old to be in school with me.). We coloured together. They served us apples and oranges cut in zigzags. I learned how to spell Brontosaurus. I loved it.

The second was horrible. The teacher was mean. I couldn’t find my bus and cried. No one cared. When I went to the puppet theatre she yelled “It’s not time for that! Go sit in the circle!” I hated it.

Please, let Ice Prince have a good teacher.

Wanted: Exorcist
I like this blog.

Anyone whose toddler says (to the woman's face): "I love Grandma. Grandma the booze hound." is okay in my books.

Horrible day with Ice Prince yesterday. Horrible. (shudder)

E-mail to all Employees: Smiling is okay. Encouraged, even.
Had some banking to do yesterday. It was imperative that it be done. Fresh had to work again (could he possibly be having an affair? Yes, with the LCBO*. He had to stop off to check out the new Vintages release. Which may only be consumed when company is over. Anyone want to come over? But I digress....)

Ice Prince was in a lovely mood, until we got into the Bank (my own employer corp). He was frothing and screaming and yelling and pushing. It was very embarassing. But I had to do my banking. I tell the teller what I need to do. Ice Prince is on the floor and appears to be possessed. He is about to bump into a patron. I pick him up, and he squirms and yells "You're hurting me! Ouch! Ouch!" (Drama Queen).

The teller hands me my receipt. "Anything else today?"
Me: "And a vasectomy to go, please."

He didn't even crack a smile.

* Liquor Control Board of Ontario. Don't get your knickers in a knot over the "control" part. When I was a kid, you had to fill out a form and take it to a counter behind which all the booze was kept and the shop keep would fetch it for you. These days, the LCBO runs a classy operation, with beautiful store, lovely giftware, a specialty food magazine and....
**Vintages: a monthly release of specially chosen wines. A catalogue is put out monthly with wine reviews and descriptions. Fresh is Fresh-obsessed with it.

Naked Snack
Psst...hey. Fresh has run out to the store for baking soda. It's 10:14 pm on Friday night and I'm makig oatmeal cookies. You got a problem with that? What would you give to have a sweet young thing baking you cookies right now?

Anyhow, here a site that's probably not safe for work. It's guys who have posted nude photos of themselves, but the guys have been removed and it just shows how pathetic their lives are. If you're naked and pathetic, don't click here.

Good clean fun!

It's Friday. Drop and Give Me Five
1. Using one adjective, describe your current living space.
Mildew-riffic!

2. Using two adjectives, describe your current employer.
Exacting but fair

3. Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/past time.
Expensive, luxurious, liver-destroying

4. Using four adjectives, describe your typical day.
5:45 am - 9:00 am hectic
9:00 am - 5:00 pm mind-numbing
5:00 pm - 8:00 pm hectic
8:00 pm - 10:30 pm fleeting
10:30 pm - 5:45 am blissful

5. Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life.
Adventurous, unique, inspiring, carefree, peaceful

More findings
This morning on the way to daycare with the Little prince, I found a lottery ticket on the street. No big whoop.

However, the back was filled out with a name, address and signature, as if for redemption.

The suspense is killing me...but I just had to tell you first.

Maybe there will be a reward! back in a mo'




One number right. Is this total freak week or what?

Found it!
Ice Prince's Hallowe'en costume.
Trick or treat?

TOTAL Freaks.
The people who turned me down for the job have now reposted the job today. What the hell?

I guess they are NOT pursuing a candidate with skills that better meet their specifications. They HAVE no other suitable candidates.

I bet I asked for too much money. Or they were intimidated by my beauty. Or maybe it was the tiara that put them off....