This Just In!
Is the IKEA catalogue more popular than the Bible?

I'm betting God couldn't have created the world in seven days if he had to use one of those little hexagonal keys.

The IKEA Game
I only got 4 out of 10. Give it a try!

The IKEA Game

Fifteen Minutes of Fame, Wasted!
Ah, yes. Nice photo of a happy IKEA user.


Mind you, I probably would have brushed my hair, but to each their own. Or washed it. Or maybe put on a bit of makeup. You know. Being printed in something with a probably print run of millions. Still…oh wait, it has something printed next to her!


Oh my. Well, you know what they say about the shoemaker’s children…

2006 Catalogue is now online. Frivolity may resume.
Just Like Mom Used to Make
Mmm...what smells so good? Hey, look what's cooking! It's...... What the hell IS that? And why is it being cooked in a pot called the SKANKA?

If I were a piece of IKEA furniture, I would be....
The Ektorp Sofa
Cosy comfort. Plush foam-filled seat cushions are hard to resist. Easy to match with your décor and washable so you can keep it fresh and clean for years to come. Can be converted into bed.

What would YOU be?

(Note: the scanner's on the fritz here which ruins half my plans for IKEA day. It may extend into next week to take full advantage of all the Swedsih goodness.)

If the Danes won't talk to us, we'll settle for the Swedes
Tomorrow is IKEA day in the Fief.

There will be various IKEA-related frivolity. Your homework: Decide what item from IKEA you would be and why. Feel free to include a photo or link to the item online.

The mothership:
www.ikea.ca

Link of the Day
Spamusement.

Somebody takes the subject lines from spam and makes very funny cartoons.

The April one called: I used to be embarassed, but not anymore is excellent.

Los Canciones!
Okay, I found out why I didn't understand 75% of Ice Prince's songs he was practising for Le Spectacle at French Camp.

There were Spanish.

They have a Spanish music teacher who plays guitar and looks eerily like someone in Gypsy Kings. They started off with Guantanamera. The kids had drums and maracas. IP had a maraca and was doing an improvised Cha Cha Cha solo in the middle of the floor. That's my boy!

They finished with Hot! Hot! Hot! It was a good show. Now I want to run away to Spain. Actually, I've always wanted to run away to Spain: sunshine, seafood, cats, sea, wine...ah! And I love Spanish. So much easier to speak than French.

I have cleaned the house from stem to gudgeon (I didn't even know we HAD a gudgeon). It feels good.

Oh, and on the way to my office building, a guy checked out my cleavage and then tripped on the pavement. I've still got it!

Ne pleurez pas pour moi, Argentina. Je suis ici avec vous...
I'm at home today. I took the day off to go to Ice Prince's French Language Concert Debut at 4 pm and to clean the house for Fresh coming home this weekend.

So far, I've watched About a Boy (better than I expected) and listened to the Evita soundtrack while hanging up clothes.

Boomer! How are you? Please e-mail me or comment, I'm worried! (But maybe we managed to get some good office gossip going since I was the fount of all Boomer status knowledge yesterday and knew your home phone number off by heart. Ha ha ha! Take THAT Lola!)

Untitled
Today is Day Ten without Fresh. (Those of you joining the program already in progress, Fresh is in Quebec for two weeks of French immersion.)

One thing I have learned while he's been gone is that he fills a place in my life that no one else can. No, not like that. Okay, look, I'll just start over.

No, I'm no good at being mushy. Let me just say that no amount of work kudos or Ice Prince kisses and hugs or glasses of wine with friends can replace what I have with Fresh.

That is all. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Oh, and the house is mysteriously cool this evening.

Livin la Vida Sola
A song for while Fresh is gone

She's into animation. Family Guy and Simpsons too
I feel a premonition that girl's gonna like Apu
She’s into oscillation, and I’m her biggest fan
She’s into rehydration, Diet Coke in a nice cold can

She has to take her clothes off, ‘cause the temperature’s insane
She can’t take the heat but likes the kitchen all the same
So hot she’s got a migraine!

[CHORUS:]
Eating from the pot, she's livin la vida sola
Watching chick flick schlock, livin la vida sola
Her hair is unwashed and her feet are the color mocha
Dishes all piled up, livin la vida sola Come On!
Livin la vida sola, Come on!
She's livin la vida sola.

Woke up in the basement, all sweaty and slippery
Got no car and got no money, hanging out at the library
She hasn’t cooked for days and lives off takeout rice
She may still be a queen, but where’s the freakin’ ice?
Mochaccino would be nice, yeah!

Sun's Coming Up I Feel Like Cakes On The Griddle

Gentle readers,

It is 33 degrees Celcius out there, feeling like 43. (Americans - that's 91.4 feeling like 109.4 with the humidex.)

Why am I grumpy? Why? Do you need to ask? Did I mention we don't have air conditioning at home?

(This morning Ice Prince whispered in my ear while I was sleeping :"We are having pancakes for breakfast...You are making me pancakes....." I didn't even know he knew about subliminal messages.)

The good news is that I'm writing a song. I'll post it tomorrow. And it's not about pancakes. Not even blueberry ones.

I want something else to get me through this semi-tone kind of life
Sorry I haven’t said much lately. I’ve been down and figure nobody needs to come to my pity party.

No big deal. Just no air conditioning, hot, bloated, shiny, broke (since I had to pay a locksmith to let me back into my house after Ice Prince put on the secret lock), bored, underappreciated, insomniac (which is very unusual for me), stir-crazy…

But you don’t need to hear all this. I’ll be back when I am ready to be silly again.

Meme Chose from Sister Stacey
10 years ago: I had an office with a door and a giant window. Oh, it was magnificent. Shortly thereafter, I was moved to a desk in the hall (seriously).

5 years ago: I was pregnant and very happy.

1 year ago: I was blissfully unaware that my basement was about to flood and cause me months worth of grief.

Yesterday: I was very unhappy for many reasons.

Today: Most of the reasons I was unhappy about yesterday magically cleared up.

Tomorrow: Apply for a new job, have a Girl’s Night with Sister and Crabby.

5 snacks I enjoy: pretzels, popcorn, whole wheat goldfish, apple slices, guacamole

5 bands/singers that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Beatles (duh!), The Wiggles, Barenaked Ladies, Billy Joel, Elton John

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: Travel, open a winery/restaurant, get liposuction, hire a nanny, get air conditioning

5 locations I'd like to run away to: Spain, Greece, Italy, Portugal, France

5 bad habits I have: leaving clothes beside the bed, leaving books beside the bed, not rinsing my coffee mug thoroughly, not returning phone calls, buying expensive nylons

5 things I like doing: Cooking for friends and family, reading, being the centre of attention, putting on a special event, dressing to kill

5 things I would never wear: track pants, jodhpurs, kitten heels, corduroy pants, a holiday themed cardigan

5 TV shows I like: Hell’s Kitchen, The Office, The Daily Show, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Martha Stewart Living

5 movies I like: LadyHawke, The Wedding Singer, Desperado, Stripes, Office Space

5 famous people I'd like to meet: Ron Sexsmith and Rufus Wainwright (to invite them to sing at my 40th Birthday), Colin Mochrie, Bill Clinton (to find out if he really is that charismatic), and Christopher Walken

5 biggest joys at the moment: Diet Cola, air conditioning at work, having hair long enough to tie back or put up, my nice new clean desk with a view of the lake if I stretch my neck up and there’s no smog warning, e-mails from Fresh

5 favorite toys: MP3 player, laptop, rice steamer, food processor, standing mixer

That Not So Fresh Feeling
I've been a little stressed and crabby lately, what with:
1. Fresh being up in Quebec for two weeks of French immersion.
2. Heat. Bloody incessant heat!
3. Overwhelming desire to dye my hair, usually brought on by Fresh's absence and/or existential crisis. We shall overcome!
4. Plotting to either take over boss's job (it's okay, boss is leaving anyway) or forge new career in HR. Yes, I generally don't like HR people. They never seem to do any work, and seem to get paid too much and have lots of executive access and first dibs on the juiciest gossip....hey, it actually sounds kind of appealing!
5. Blueberries on sale for $1.77 a pint. Must make more muffins....
6. Complaining everywhere! Besides almost killing the woman at work, people complained about my homemade putting green (you try making something out of two feet of astro turf, 5 coffee cups and some green and white file folders. I'm brilliant, people, don't you see!), the kiwi on the fruit trays at my office picnic (not ripe!), the beer nuts (stuck together due to the humidity), the nut trays (you don't expect us to use our hands? Yes! Don't you wash yours? I do.), and of course a few snipes at why I had time to plan so many office parties. Do I do any work? Piss off!
7. Too hot for nylons. I just don't feel together without my nylons.
8. Tired of writing this list.

Going to check my muffins and drink another Diet Coke. So....hot.....

Overreacting? I think not.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS SACRED IN THIS WORLD.....NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sweaty and unappreciated.
Crazy week. Not sure how to describe, expect to say, have you ever seen Working Girl? I am Tess serving dim sum and I DON'T LIKE IT.

Well, I sort of do. But I get no respect. Dammit, why can't executives put together a bitchin' picnic and mini-putt party? Why does it demean my authority?

Sigh. No more Miss Nice Queen. Hello 100% Ice Queen.

Yes, Let’s Just Insult the Interviewer. That’ll Work.
So. The interview for the comedy writing job. We’ll call the guy Alex.

Reception buzzes the guy to let him know I’m there. About five minutes later, a guy shuffles out, looks around in a distracted sort of way, then stares at me silently.

“Uh, hi.” I said.
He stared, emotionless.
“Are you Alex?”
He nodded. So I got up and introduced myself.

We went into the meeting room. He explained they are looking for a writer for a morning show on a retro-ish station based in St Catharines. He played me a clip from the show. It wasn’t funny. In fact, I felt there were some basic problems with why it didn’t work. I told him so. He looked offended: “I thought it was funny.” and asked how I’d fix it. Nothing came to mind.

He didn’t speak much and when I asked questions, he answered them, but as if he couldn’t understand why I was asking. I got the sense that he either didn’t like me, or was on drugs.

Anyhow, not sure what will happen. He did agree that perhaps I could do an assignment or two to see how I’d do. But all very vague. I just wish he’d smiled or something! My attempts to be charming were met with blank stares.

This morning I e-mailed him a short bit that I thought would have improved the clip he played for me. Pretty clever writing, I thought. I’ll either insult him further or prove my point. We shall see. At least I showed some initiative. I have an adrenaline headache.

Puerile and Tasteless: Because You Like It Like That!
Anyone see the Karla interview last night? Seems she's jonesing for an ice capuccino from Timmy's.

Have you ever heard the expression 'No such thing as bad PR?" I wonder...their new slogan?

Tim Horton's: We Make a Killer Iced Capuccino!

It's Good to Be Queen
Remember I sent in my Greatest Hits link to an ad for a comedy writer? Well! The director wants to meet with me. "I read your lyrics. Funny." he said.

Someone who might be willing to PAY me for writing my goofy songs? It's a dream come true! But can I do it freelance?

Anyway, still thrilled to have a real award winning comedy guy (he directed 50 episodes of This Hour) find my stuff funny.

Need coffee but can't fit my inflated ego through the door. All the stuff that hit the fan in my absence here at my real job should deflate me within 30 minutes.

But still!

(Oh yeah, and some dull job here I sent a resume in for, like, two months ago wants to see me. Later this month. Gee...which do I prefer....communicating computer requirements or writing song parodies?)