Superstar Chef, My Arse
After waiting up until midnight while it simmered, the veal is still kinda chewy and the potatoes are still al dente (which means "pretty bloody rock hard" to those non-culinary types).

I'm going to take out the potatoes, add some portobellos and serve it over orzo if it doesn't seem much improved when I heat it up tonight.

Don't worry, Crab Family! There's always bread and salad!

Just Another Thursday Night in the Icicle Fief
Here's what I'm making right now. Only I decided to use osso bucco (veal shank) instead of stewing veal because I'm afraid of any stewing meat turning out too chewing.

Don't you wish you were coming for dinner tonight, like Crabby and Mr. Crab? I'm still hoping to have a BBQ for the Ice Queen readers this summer. It'll be such fun! I can feel the hangover just thinking about it.

(Yes, I'm making Friday's the night before. We working parents try to make things seem effortless.) Fresh is downstairs practicing his guitar and it sounds good.

Anyhow, time to go peel some potatoes. I plan to try to do Illustration Friday tomorrow, so drop by to see what the theme is and what I draw. My drawing is worse than my singing -- and I actually took drawing lessons. Sad, really. Of well. I still have my good looks and winning personality.

From the Annals of WTF?!
A French version of the Spongebob Squarepants Theme to the tune of Jingle Bells as written and sung by me, the Ice Queen:

«Bob l’éponge
Bob l’éponge
Avec les pantalons
Lui, il aime ses pantalons
Et je lui aime sans. »

(Honestly, I don’t know what got into me. I’m in a weird mood.)

Beta Testing
Try this poll.

(Stupid javascript.)

With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good
I have a hair appointment for 2:00 on Saturday at Poison Ivy. The 'do below, with possibly longer or shorter bang bits - TBD.

(I'm saving my spa gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure at the first whiff of spring. What I wouldn't do for a little Spring Whiff® right now!)

Danger! Danger!
I bought a hairstyles magazine.

Here, what do you think? Would this look good on me?

Icicle Fief Reads 2005


Yes, it’s time for the First Annual Icicle Fief Reads competition.

Want to participate?

1. Choose your favourite Canadian work of fiction. (Liberal Red Book not included. I'm kidding. Really.)
2. Send me a short description of why you think it deserves to be voted Fief-worthy. (screamforicequeenATgmailDOTcom)
3. We (yes, the royal we) will feature one book per day until we run out of participants. Participants must be willing to defend the book on their appointed day and answer questions of a non-salacious nature.

(Note: Volunteer also needed to make me a poll so we can vote on this when we’re done. Shut up, Brett.)

Winner will receive a book from the Ice Queen’s personal library. Americans eligible, but must choose a Canadian book.

Personality Analysis
I found a grocery list on the floor by the elevator. Tell me about the person who dropped it:
eggs
yogurt
juice
tubes
cheese
cheese strip
bread
chips
salad
carrotts

(it was written in blue ball point on a tiny folded yellow sticky)

It's Donate Your Lunch Money To Charity Day
"Don't make me come over there. I know a thing or two about getting lunch money out of people. Ha ha!"

the Theme Song to the New Hit Sitcom: Wanda and The Queen
They're Wanda and The Queen
Yes, Wanda and The Queen
One is a genius
The other's insane.
They're ladies on the ‘net
Who haven’t even met
They're yonder
They're Wanda and The Queen, Queen, Queen, Queen
Queen, Queen, Queen, Queen
Queen.

They roam the city streets
Alert for fashion wrongs
They’ll slap you with a fine
And take away your thongs
They're Wanda and The Queen
Yes, Wanda and The Queen
They both look as if
Each day’s Hallowe’en.
I have to confess
They look good in a dress
They're yonder
They're Wanda and The Queen, Queen, Queen, Queen
Queen, Queen, Queen, Queen
Narf!

Two Queens is a Full House!
Markus has a post today: “To Wanda and the Ice Queen.”

Doesn’t “Wanda and the Ice Queen” sound like a sit com? Like Sanford and Son, Chico and the Man, Kate and Ally, Ned and Stacey, Will and Grace….

We need a theme song, a plot for the pilot episode and a logo. Then when Wanda comes up in the summer, we can film. Hey, maybe we can all write the screenplay together – like with the novel contest. Success in numbers! (Note that I have a no nudity clause.) Plus you could write yourselves in as characters.

C’mon, possums. Any contributions to my 15 minutes would be appreciated. I’m busy today, but can never shut my brain off, so if you give me a tune to set my words to, maybe I can come up with the theme song today.

In other news, Fresh is bemused about why a drag queen from Minneapolis mailed me a thong. (I got it last night. Thanks, Wanda!) I think I'll wear it whan Mikevil and I teach that Grade 8 Diversity Class.

Vive la difference!
I’m bored.

Not that I don’t have a lot to do, oh yessir bob, I have lots to do. I’m just tired of the beige walls here at work, and the winter boots, and the bus home, and being stuck inside the house. Yes, we’ve been tobogganing and skating.

Last night, Fresh and I (and IP) went to a restaurant. We don’t do this often and if you know any 4 year olds, you’ll know why. It was a nice change of pace and the Little Prince was sort of well-behaved. He had orange fries (yam frites).

I need to shake things up. Yesterday, I went for a beverage break with Boomer, determined to try something new. The only thing I hadn’t tried in the coffee shop was Mello Yello, which was like Mountain Dew. Yawn.

So give me some ideas. How can I make life exciting until the snow melts? Help!

I Don't Know Art, But I Know What I Like
So you've probably heardofthat Christo's Gates thing in Central Park. Pretty, sure, but somehow all that outlay of money for something pretty bothers me. Unless I'm the something pretty that the money is being spent on.

Now THIS (found via the lovely Eva) is more my style. Click on the links too.

Life in a Northern Town
George W. smoked pot. But doesn't think you should.

Jason Kenney (Dipwad for Northern Hickville) says marriages that don’t produce children don’t contribute to society and aren’t real marriages. Guess my parents have to split up now. And most of my friends. Wonder what he would have thought of the French Canadian couple who lived next door to us at one point. They’re were happily unmarried with three teenaged kids. All their own.

Ice Prince has been accepted into French Immersion for next year (All French, All The Time! Until Grade 4!)

Fresh has purchased a guitar. And guitar paraphernalia. He’s practicing daily.

Took us three times as long to get to school this morning because we had to climb huge snow banks.

Watched Gods and Monsters last night. Pretty good.

Missed the Simpsons episode (don’t get that channel), so would appreciate any recaps.

And Brett is so ungrateful and mocking about the poll that didn’t work that I wash my hands of him. If anyone else is looking for love, I’d be happy to post an ad for you.

And if Gavin and Maria or Dave and Kat do get together, please come back and tell us what happened. I deserve to live vicariously through you for my efforts.

Today’s Interactive Fun
Hey, know what we haven’t done for ages? Cast my Life Story movie. Who would play you and who would play me?

A Friday Game of Kat and Mouse
Over on blamblog, it’s spring and a young man’s thoughts turn to love.

And love, these days, is decided by random strangers voting. Or it should be. At least in this case, many of the voters will know Brett.

We have two (self-declaring) candidates to marry Brett, and he has agreed to binding arbitration. YOU decide! (I was sad to see that Alice didn’t want to participate. I guess she’s still too heart broken. Besides, she had her go with Brett. It’s time for some fresh young blood.)

Our bachelorettes are:

Kat

I was born to left-wing hippies (as opposed to those right-wing
hippies you see so much) in Toronto. Almost born on the Don Valley
Parkway - good times! I was a weird kid who lived mostly in books, and
when I did emerge, I'd do odd things like kick my sister's friends in
the shins. I finally stopped being socially inept in high school,
though I was still weird. I discovered a disturbing love for Mystery
Science Theatre 3000, Douglas Adams, and Oscar Wilde. I came to
university a few years ago, found many friends who shared my love of
cartoons and sexual innuendo, and now I am delighting everyone who
knows me. And I have no ego problem whatsoever.

I should marry Brett because, really, I'm adorable and hilarious and
boys who can draw make me melt.

Maria
(No picture supplied. Artist’s impressions only.)

Maria tries to speak four languages, but speaks none of them fluently.
Maria knows how to cook, but sometimes dinner turns out to be very salty.
Maria can make her own sweaters, but it takes her about two years to finish
each.
Maria likes watching Jeopardy and shouting the answers at the TV, only
occasionally does she get them remotely right.
Maria has an expensive addiction: chicken wings (hot or suicide) and beer.

“At this stage in life I just want to be married, to anyone!”

(Okay, Maria just sent me a photo after all here it is:

"Here's my picture, it's a bit dark, but I think it works all right. And it shows what I can offer (lots of booze)."

So, what do you think?

VOTE NOW!

Bit and Bites
Tonight I am going to Crabby’s house to see her favourite movie: Only You.

Fresh is starting his guitar lessons on Saturday. He has rented a guitar and it smells good. Like wood. Like a good wood guitar should. Hey, that kind of makes me a groupie, eh?

What else, what else. I facilitated my first Planning Session yesterday. It went okay. I think I failed Flip Chart Paper Tearing.

I’m going to Goodwill tonight because they have a 50 per cent off sale tomorrow. Why does that logic make sense? There will be lots of good stuff there which people have not bought because they are waiting until tomorrow. I will snap it up tonight. Extra $3.50 be damned! Plus its very close to Crab Central.

And in the Small World After All category, the business colleague I shared a cab home with last night was once Branch Manager for my bank in Glencoe (2 years before I moved there) AND lives directly across the road from Mikevil and Markus (at #22). Wave at Brad, boys!

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times." ~Rita Rudner

Love, Sexsmith and Eating the Scones
Back from Glencoe. Ice Prince took some pictures, but I have to get them developed, so stay tuned. (No, I don’t have a digital camera. Feel free to buy me one, ardent admirers.)

Speaking of admirers, It’s Valentine’s Day.

If you have a sweetie, do you buy/expect a gift? I don’t. I do expect a nice dinner and a bottle of wine and some undivided attention. But then again, I usually expect that.

I might buy Fresh a CD I saw at Starbucks this morning. Not because I feel obligated, but because it looked good and he would like it: it’s got Rufus and Sondre on it. But no Ron Sexsmith. Sad. But I still have money left on my HMV gift card so I’m planning on buying Sexsmith’s album Retriever.

If you don’t have a sweetie (and even if you do), call your mom or dad or best friend and tell them how much you love them. After all, who says Valentine’s Day has to be about romantic love?

Now for some interactive fun.

My Dear Friend Dave® is now a guest star on Train 48. Really!

Anyhow, if you could guest star on a show, what show would you pick and what character would you be? How would you fit into the plot?

Tell me. I’ll think about it and be back later.

Leaving On The VIA Train…
Tomorrow, I’m going to Glencoe. I haven’t taken the train up in 4 years. Wow. Here’s what the train station used to look like when I was a teenager growing up there, before it fell apart, got moved and got refurbished. I can’t remember what’s there now instead – I think it’s just like a bus shelter thing.

Sidenote: When I was growing up, I wanted to be the announcer who said: “Welcome to VIA! VIA Bonjour! All aboard! Please. En voiture! S’il vous plait.”

I lived in Glencoe from 1981-1987. I wrote an epic poem about it. You can read it if you want to.
I’ll be taking a camera, of course. And the little Ice Prince, who hasn’t ridden on a train since he was 4 months old. A jumbo French fries will hold him until about Milton, after that all chaos will break loose as he performs “Stars on 45” for the Toronto-Windsor corridor. I’m thinking of bringing along the CD walkman and letting him rock out in silence. Well, except for the obligatory air guitaring.

He wants to “meet the ‘ductor” and “drive the train”. So if you read about any derailments, guess who’ll be getting a time out and no dessert?

I Share Because I Care
I’m writing a report on a building we are, well, building. Anyhow, the caissons are being done this week. If like me, you don’t know what a caisson is, you might be tempted to look it up on the ‘net. And you might run across this page, by Morrison Mud:

“Pipe Jacking, Caissons, and Structure Jacking
Note: This page deals with annulus lubrication. Regarding tunnelling methods which use additives, please click on slurry or epb/pumped muck.
What causes high jacking load?
When setting up for success on a difficult pipe jack it's worth considering how the ground conditions can affect overall friction.
Clay stickiness and swelling
Clay (bentonite) based lubricants can be of limited use in swelling clay. Consider a specialist additive such as TK60 Jacking Lubricant which actively prevent clay from swelling and contain powerful polymeric lubricants.
Loss of Lubricant to the Ground
Preventing lubricant loss to the ground can make all the difference. Choose Sloop or FibrouSeal to help maintain the annulus. These products can be added to your existing bentonite lubricant or used in a pure polymer mix.”

Who knew banking could be so interesting? Who knew I had such a puerile mind? Fine. You can all put your hands down now.

Oh, and by the way, a caisson is basically a big concrete column that holds a building up.

Homework, or "The Dog Ate My Post"
Sheryl over at Paper Napkin is considering having bloggers expound on their secret knowledge. Crabby is looking for speakers at a Symposium her organization is having.

This sounds fun, but I’m too lazy to have a Blogger Symposium. Let’s just do the fun part.

If I held a Symposium, what would the title of your speech be? And write your bio too, for the programme.

Okay, I’m really lazy today. So tell me what MY topic would be. And hey, write my bio too, if you’re up for it.

The Artist Soon To Be Known As Ice Prince
Ice Prince is a very good kid. Up until now, he would go to bed and stay there until 7:00 am or so, when he would sing to himself until I went and got him. It never occurred to him that he could get out of bed himself. But all that changed this weekend, when suddenly, Fresh and I were greeted with IP padding into our room and saying in a sing-song voice: “Good morning, my sweetie-girl!”

We went and had brunch at a pub yesterday and listened to live jazz. IP was very disappointed that he wasn’t allowed to play any instruments. Eventually, he solved this by commandeering my purse, which he transformed into:
1. A guitar (one strap over one shoulder and fingering chords on the other strap and strumming the purse)
2. A trumpet (blowing into one strap and playing notes on the other.)
3. A drum (obvious)

When the music slowed down, he switched to interpretive dance.

The boy need some music lessons. And soon!

Really more like guidelines...
The recipe of the evening is: VEAL SAUTÉ WITH MORELS AND WILD LEEKS

Except instead of leeks, I'm using green onions and instead of morels, I'm using a
portobello and some creminis.

I am also downloading (naughty girl!) some Louis Prima to listen to during dinner. (I am ashamed to admit that I was inspired by watching Jungle Book, where Louis sings: "I Wanna Be Like You.") Along the same line (Louis Prima, that is), if you like good movies and you like cooking, then you should definitely watch Big Night, which is a fantastic movie with what I thought was an excellent ending. Have you ever been enjoying a movie but thought: "I know how it's going to end, and it's going to be very pat and Hollwood and then I'll hate it."? Well, this one wasn't, it was charming. Go rent it.

Ice Prince Explains It All To You
IP: Let's go out and see the chrysalis this morning.
IQ: Do you know what a chrysalis is?
IP: The caberpiller crawls inside.
IQ: And then what happens?
IP: He has milk and cookies inside. And then he comes out a butterfly.

Now you know. Isn't science a wonderful thing?

A Quick Rant
I got a note home from the school.

Kindergarteners are not allowed to address their Valentine’s Cards, because that would cause too much work for the teachers to sort. Ice Prince is just supposed to sign a stack and hand ‘em in to be distributed pell mell. Or perhaps even willy-nilly.

I understand the problems of sorting but it’s VALENTINE’S DAY for the love of Pete! Yeah, nothing says “You’re special” like a generic unlabelled card.

As Crabby would say: “Stew-pid!”

Wit and Wisdom of The Ice Prince
IQ: “Hey, come look at this icicle, isn’t it beautiful?” (me pointing to an icicle hanging from a bush)
IP: “Yes, beautiful. It looks like a chrysalis.”
IQ: “Wha-?”

It kinda did, but where did my 4-year old learn THAT? And to use it properly in a sentence? Wild.

Problem at Work
I borrowed the Nigella Lawson book Feast from the library and I love it. But it’s one of those books you can only have for 7 days and can’t renew, so now I have to photocopy it.

If I only had an assistant or an intern…

Bought
A crocus plant in the subway for CNIB. Go buy one. You know you want to.

Pope Joke
In honour of the Pope feeling better, here's a joke my Nana told me years ago.

"When the cardinals met when the pope died, there was much discussion. They simply could nor agree on a successor and there was arguing. No one could hear anyone else speak. It was mayhem. Finally, one particularly sane and logical fellow said, "Why don't we just take a poll?" So they did."

(Get it? A Pole? One who is Polish? It's funnier out loud.)

"I Can't Believe It's Not Groundhog!®"
Milverton Mel Says: "Six More Weeks of Winter. And would it kill you to freshen the water in my bowl? No, not the tap stuff, the good Britta filter stuff. Do you want me to get a Urinary Tract Infection? And about that kid. Who was the ad wizard who decided to buy him musical instruments for Christmas, huh? Why don't you just get him a Little Johnny Vet Kit, for all the good it does me. And do you have to turn down the heat when you leave for the day? I mean, sure I've got a fur coat, but it ain't what it used to be, if you catch my drift. If I could manage a kitty combover, I would, I swear. And just because YOU don't watch to watch Matlock reruns, doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to see them sometimes. Did you know that Kevin Smith was on Degrassi and I MISSED IT? There are other programs than the news, you know. If the service doesn't pick up around the place soon, I'll answer the phone next time Johnny from Best Price Movers phones and arrange to have all your furniture shipped to Goodwill. My accent can't possibly be worse than his. And another thing..."

This blogroll is a drag.
My blogroll naming convetion has grown tiresome. I'm going to change y'all to drag queen names. You may submit your own, or I will give you one. Nothing too dirty - I don't want this site coming up NSFW. Implied dirty is fine, and much more clever.

And since I'm a total lazy ass, there are many people I have planned to add to the blogroll, but haven't yet (like Maria and Merv and even Travellin' JD). So if you think you should be there, let me know.

Thank you. This is the time at the Icicle Fief when we dance! You may NOT touch the monkey.

In the News
Tiny Louisiana hamlet finally gets phone service

MINK, Louisiana (AP) -- There's a fish-fry Monday in this hamlet of 15 households to celebrate big news: phone service. "We started in early 1970 trying to get a phone," Kathleen Bolton said. "We'd talk to the phone company but they'd never call back. “

They’d never call back, eh? Maybe it’s because you DIDN’T HAVE ANY PHONES!

In other news, an article in the Globe and Mail last week stated that "Pregnant Women Experience Greater Complications in Childbirth". No kidding? Who'd have thunk it!

But why is the rum gone?
So many things running around in my head today. Wrote more poetry for intersection which will be up on Two Drink Minimum later today. Always happy to hear what you think, so feel free to comment. Remember, people and events depicted in the poem are fictional. Mostly.

I’m so happy to be writing again, I wrote a poem about it:

it’s good to write again
like shedding
your boots for sneakers
in the spring :
vulnerable
and free

I’m planning my Superstar Chef audition. You need to have a “philosophy”. Well, my first one is that I like to try to copy dishes that I’ve liked in restaurants. Some of my best recipes are recreations. And my second, more elegant philosophy is best expressed by Elizabeth Swann:

“Hang the code, and hang the rules. They're more like guidelines anyway.”

Do you think a pirate cooking show would go over well? I still have all the swag left over from Ice Prince’s birthday.

We took Ice Prince “’bogganning” this weekend and it was grand. We went to the Riverdale Park ravine at the DVP. The hill was so big, we had to start from halfway down.

I’m wearing my Lily necklace today and already got a compliment on it at the water cooler. “I wish I had nice, interesting clothes like you do, “ said my colleague.

Don’t forget: If you want to donate kisses to Ice Prince for his 100 Things project, e-mail me at screamforicequeenATgmailDOTcom. Wanda, we simply MUST have at LEAST one from you and you know my address so pucker up, honey!

Friday Evening
The boy is in bed. The house is quiet. I have just finished putting the spices in jars (I am a few jars short). My hands are fragrant.

Fresh is due home soon. The wine is open. And I got to thinking about a poem I love, which I will share with you now:

The Cinnamon Peeler by Michael Ondaatje

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under the rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbour to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.

I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
- your keen nosed mother, your rough brothers.
I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...

When we swam once
I touched you in the water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said

this is how you touch other women
the grass cutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter.
And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume

and knew

what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in the act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of a scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler's wife. Smell me.

Written for Crabby, Posted for Dantallion
(don't critique it. I know it doesn't make sense.)

Shall I benchmark thee to a non-earning asset?
Thou are more liquid and more tacit:
Rough markets do shake the KPIs of May,
And Chicago's lease restacks our office space:
Sometime the scope and framework carry costs,
And often is insurance there accrued;
And sometimes fair spends are tempest toss’d,
By gross recoveries we ne’er will rue :

But thy actionable NIX shall fade
Or productivity ratio pale and fall;
Or shall earnings swell and primp as on parade,
When in eternal measurement thou stall:
So long as men can count, or eyes can see,
I’ll author Powerpoint slides just for thee.

Gee, thanks for the gmail!
Thanks be to Wanda, I now have a gmail account. You can e-mail me at:
screamforicequeen@gmailDOTcom

And you know to replace the DOT with a real dot, right? Just checking.

You know, every time I try to type Wanda, I type Wanada. A Canada run by Wanda Wisdom? It's an idea whose time has come.

Progress Report
Spice jars are now LABELLED! Will they get filled tonight? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion.

Library School Drop-Out, Because Dantallion Asked About UWO
I went to York University for Theatre (first and second year). At the end of second year, my theatre prof had a talk with me.
“So, what are your plans for next year?
“I’ve decided to transfer my major to Creative Writing.”
“How wonderful!” he replied with visible relief in his face. He wouldn’t have to tell me I was a no talent hack.

So I graduated with a degree in writing poetry. With a minor in writing short stories, Very useful! So I decided to get my Master’s in Library and Information Science.

I spent two weeks in the program at UWO (University of Western Ontario). The first week, we learned to use a word processor (I had spent the previous two summers desktop publishing and was bored out of my skull). The second week, we started (STARTED!) learning the Dewey Decimal system.

That’s when I dropped out. I still think UWO is one of the Prettiest. Campuses. Ever.

Epilogue: Sister Staceypatrick then got me a job at a teeny tiny publisher as the Receptionist/Admin Ass’t. And through a series of twists and turns, I now work for the Behemoth Bank of Canada googling NASCAR.

Funny aside: Two of my friends who I met much later graduated from UWO and have Library Science degrees. They weren’t in my class.

Poetry. It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore!
So I wanted to go to a Poetry Competition last night, but it didn't work out. However, it left me with a burning desire to start writing again.

So I pulled up my old Glencoe poem (officially known as concessions)which was my thesis for my Creative Writing. Yes, I wrote a poem for my thesis. Think it's easy? YOU try it! And it can't involve a girl from Nantucket.

Anyhow, I like my Glencoe poem. But it needs something. So I decided that half the book should be Glencoe, then you flip it over and the OTHER half of the book is about Toronto. Holy juxtaposition, Batman! But the Toronto half needed a name. I told Fresh this. And Fresh came up with the name: Intersection.

So my poetry book is called concessions : intersection. That may bore you, but poetry types should think it's pretty bloody cool.

So, this year I will:
1. Write my poetry book (doesn't have to be finished, just major work.)
2. Hold at least one poetry reading with Crabby at Sarah's, our local Danforth waterhole.
3. Put in an audition tape to be Superstar Chef
4. Open a restaurant for one day (Fresh and I will probably wait until better weather so that we can use the BBQ for extra cooking/warming space. Date to be announced soon!)
5. Put my spices in jars and label them.

I guess those are my resolutions. I wrote the first poem for >intersection today, it's up on Two Drink Minimum (the poetry testing site I share with Crabby), as is the whole of concessions as it stands.

I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day!
So after consultation with my colleague (Ice Prince) we have come to the conclusion that for his project, he will be collecting kisses. Really!

If you would like to participate, please get some lipstick on your cakehole and pucker up. Kiss marks should appear on piece of paper with your name or alias written below.

Please, nothing rude. This IS for a Junior Kindergarten show and tell. Multiple entries welcome.

If you're interested, e-mail me at screamforicequeen@hotmail.com for an address to which to send your busses.


Admit it, you've been tempted.
Tribute to Cavin and Hobbes.

A Star is Born!
This is it!

But only a 5 minute audition tape....

Bloody Brilliant
Go check out Dantallion today.

Don't ask. Just go.

That is all. You may kiss my ring before you go.

Science Doesn’t Lie
It’s the worst day of the year, and this mathematical formula proves it: [W + (D-d)] x TQ M x NA

For more details…

Ice Capades
Ice Prince is supposed to collect 100 things and bring them in to show his class. Are they joking? He’s 4 years old. He doesn’t have the attention span to eat dinner. But I have a brilliant idea.

He can collect 100 snowflakes. I’ll send him in to school with a glass of water.

Ice Queen: The Early Years
I feel that my colleagues Crabby and Sister have been sharing very deep personal things lately, and I have nothing like that to share.

I did remember something amusing, however. When I was about 14, if I was doing a school project, I would dress up as the person I was studying. The first time I did this I dressed up as Socrates (in a bed sheet) and asked lots of questions all weekend. The next time, I was studying Lewis and Clark, which was a bit more difficult, having to dress up as two people and raipse through the backyard. But I gave it the old Grade 10 try.

I don't remember when or why I stopped.

Now I'm thinking about high school. Did you know that I was on the Cheerleading Squad? True, I was Deputy Head Cheerleader. I was also in Choir, Prom, Yearbook, Public Speaking, Drama and the Auto Club (mainly because Dad ran that club and he was my ride home).

My first job at the age of 13 was to stand outside the drugstore on a sidewalk sale weekend to watch the stuff. Bored, I drew humourous signs explaining why people should buy each of the products. I wasn't asked back. But people stopped to read the signs! My marketing plan was working!

My second job was at Becker's, where my boss had to speak to me about dressing inappropriately. I think I was wearing some typical 80s stuff, it may have been the giant hot pink plastic fish earrings she objected to. Who knows? I kept that job for a while. (Note: when your job involves dusting food items, DON'T take advantage of the employee discount.)

Next up, my Nana got me a job as Parts Girl at the Auto Parts store where she was bookkeeper (so belonging to the Auto Club wasn't so crazy after all, eh?). I was responsible for receiving the parts, putting them away and filling orders. It was okay, until the day the water pump fell on my head. That hurt.

Sister Staceypatrick got me a job at a daycare centre. Yes, Sister spent a summer working with kids. Hard to believe. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

If I could start over and pick a new career (those who are new visitors may not know that I work for a Big Bank), I'm not sure if I would choose differently. Mind you, I certainly never CHOSE banking. And I do lots of things that that are very unbankerly (most recently I have been designing an event with a NASCAR theme - again with the cars!). It's okay, pays good and it certainly beats retail.

What do YOU think I should be when I grow up? What do YOU want to be?

(Hey non-Torontonians! Right now we're having a real blizzard AND the temperature is minus 31 with the wind chill. Oh, Canada!)

Icy Opens a Can
I confessed to Crabby on our night out at the wine bar that last week I had opened a can of salmon for the first time in my life. And there were bones in it! And skin! What's with that? And this was a premium can!

For those who are concerned that the Queen might have been making salmon salad sandwiches, I wasn't. I was making fishcakes. I'm making them again tonight with chipotle sauce.

Grab Bag

1. Going shopping and imbibing with Crabby in Yorkville after work. Très happy about this.
2. Did new fitness DVD by Carmen Electra last night. I’d tell you what it was, but Outlaw would probably mist up his screen and I’d get all sorts of nasty google searches. Anyhow, it was okay! Carmen Electra wasn’t all that coordinated and seemed to break a sweat before I did. I may do this until the weather clears up for running.
3. I’m taking a vacation day tomorrow because my daycare provider needs the day off to “go slit a goat’s throat for Eid”. I thought maybe I’d heard wrong, but it looks like I probably got it right. It can be very interesting to live in a country with so many different cultures.
4. I’m still mulling over the restaurant idea…
5. Quote of the day from Eddie Greenpan: “I don’t like losing. That’s the one thing I don’t like. And licorice.”

This is a dull post. Go check out how to make treats for Groundhog Day.

Crazy Like a Fox
So last night, Fresh and I were cleaning up the dinner dishes. “I had a crazy idea today, “he said.
“That’s funny, “I said, “So did I. I forgot until now. Wouldn’t it be strange if we had the same idea? What was yours?”

Well guess what, gentle readers. It was EXACTLY the same idea. Freaky, huh?

Dear Fresh is beginning to have second thoughts about the logistics (like where to put the sofa for the night) and perhaps related costs, whereas I am content to rush in where angels fear to tread. So I’ll run it by you and you can let me know if you’d even be vaguely interested.

Regular visitors will know that I would love to open a restaurant. So the idea is to open up a restaurant in our house for One Night Only to our friends. Naturally, charging like a restaurant would be odd, but instead, we would charge, say $50 each and give the money to charity. Possibly Red Cross for Tsunami Relief, but perhaps something else because I fear that other charities may suffer from donor fatigue. I know Doctors without Borders is redirecting all funds now to Africa.

Anyhow, there would be soup, salad, main and dessert. It would be BYOB. Possibly I would offer a choice for dinner that had to be pre-ordered, so I wouldn’t have to buy cook too many of everything. We figure we could fit 10 to 16 people in a proper restaurant configuration (tables of 2 or 4). There would be waiter service by Fresh.

Fascinating and frightening. But I know we could make it work. (If I had enough chutzpah maybe I could ask Whole Foods or someone to donate some food. Hah!) So…what do you think? Would you be interested? Seriously. It’s a lot of work, so don’t toy with me.

Potpourri

• I need to buy used ice skates. If anyone has a pair of size 7 – 7 ½ ladies ice skates that they no longer want, let me know.
• Does black really go with black?
• Did you know that the discoverer of glow-in-the-dark material (phosphorous) was actually trying to turn urine into gold? Yep. He had 50 buckets of urine in his basement. I know this from the book I’m reading (see below post).
• I may be having an Ice Queen Extravaganza Summer BBQ for all my readers in the Greater Icicle Fief Metropolis. Not sure I could afford the booze or the police officers, but am thinking about it…
• I made the BEST mushroom soup yesterday.
• Fresh now reads my blog, in fact, he’s been dipping into the archives. Shall we do an Interview With Fresh? What would you like to ask him? Keep it clean, people!

She Blinded Me….With SCIENCE!
I am reading a great book that I bought online with a gift card I got from Fresh for Christmas. It’s Bill Bryson’s A Short History of Everything. “It is an animated chatty tour of every field of scientific inquiry from quantum physics and atmospheric science to evolution and volcanology…” Bet you didn’t know I have an inner science geek. It’s true! I didn’t acknowledge it until Fresh one night said “How come you always perk up when there’s a science item on the news?”

I’m even wearing my geeky horn-rimmed glasses today to add to the overall experience.

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
So we were watching a cartoon and the characters were playing a game of soccer.
IP: “Mommy, that girl just took the ball away from that boy. She’s bad!”
IQ: “It’s soccer. That’s how it’s played.”
IP: “Well, I don’t think that was very nice. I think she should say sorry and go to her room.”
It seems IP enjoys and understands sports about as well as I do.

Talk Amongst Yourselves
I haven’t talked about the tsunami on here because I find it difficult. I get verklempt. Last night I was watching the CBC Relief fundraiser. Quite often, the singers chose a very melancholy song, which was probably originally a love song, and sometimes vaguely inappropriate. If you were asked to sing, what would you sing? I thought I’d choose Fragile by Sting. But those lyrics aren’t perfect either. It’s amazing how many water metaphors are used in songs.

Jonesing for Wanda?
Oh yeah and Wanda's moved. If you haven't found her yet, she's here.

Miscellaneous Info of Interest
Dooce’s definition of “Girls’ Night Out:” LET’S JUST CALL IT WHAT IT REALLY IS: GETTING THE FUCK AWAY FROM OUR KIDS FOR A COUPLE HOURS AND TALKING ABOUT SEX NIGHT OUT.

Food and Drink
Oh wonderful day! LCBO’s latest issue of Food and Drink is out!

Last night, Fresh and I were discussing my favourite fantasy. No, not that. Cheeky monkey! We were talking about my opening a restaurant. Just a wee one. Very exclusive, dontcha know. I’d love to do that. Naturally, I’d need an industrial dishwasher, professional appliances, excellent cookware and a sous chef or two (pun intended.) Fresh would be the sommelier. It would be called Au Dessous/Eau de Sue, although today I thought of calling it Frézoul, which supposedly means Refreshing Wind. Errr…not in the assonance kind of way. Maybe I’ll stick to the original plan.

Would you come to my restaurant? What would you order?

A Prince Among Men
Ice Prince only has a viral infection, which is almost over. Dr. Hibbert mentioned (for the second time) that IP is exhibiting very STRONG leadership traits. “He’ll definitely be a leader, not a follower, that’s obvious now. And his personality won’t change,” giggled Dr. Hibbert as IP checked his ears and listened to his heartbeat.

Wow. A leader. Political? Spiritual? Business? Drug lord? Pimp?

I’ll be up there with all the other famous parents:
Virgin Mary
Goldie Hawn
Joe Jackson
Earl Woods

And then I’ll be able to compile The Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince and publish it. Like this gem from yesterday:
IP: “Dr. Hibbert? Do you and mommy and daddy pick your noses?”
Dr. H: “Well, nobody would admit that they do….”

Ice Queen Speaks
I’ve been quiet lately, I know. Overtired again, and Ice Prince has been sick.

Let’s see. What’s new?

On Saturday, Crabby and Sister came by for Birthday Celebration: The Sequel. I wore a lacy nightgown and set up “The Peignoir Lounge” in my dining room. Naturally, my guests forgot their nighties. Hmph! Then we snacked on all triangle shaped food and watched Love Actually. Which raised two questions:

1. If there really only one true love for you? What if there is more than one? What if you meet them at the same time?
2. When Hugh Grant was doing a funky little dance, I cried out: “That’s so like Fresh!” Crabby and Sister seemed perplexed. Am I really the only person who sees the funky in Fresh? Actually, I should be honoured that I get exclusive funkiness. Don’t judge a book by its cover!

On Sunday, Fresh and I took the Ice Prince ice skating for the first time. He did okay! Then we had chunky fries from the chip truck. It was good.

Have to take IP to the doctor today – he’s had a low grade fever for 5 days, poor wee mite.

A Meme from Radmila

3 names you go by:
1. The Ice Queen
2. Ma'am
3. Mommy

3 screen names you have:
1. Ice Queen. There is only one.

3 things you like about yourself:
1. I have a style all my own.
2. I am most always optimistic and look at things with a sense of humour.
3. I look good in black, fool!

3 things you hate/dislike about yourself:
1. I don’t suffer fools gladly
2. I could be fitter.
3. I can be very scatterbrained

3 parts of your heritage:
1. Scottish 97%
2. Irish (2%)
3. French (1%)

3 things that scare you:
1. Banks
2. Dogs
3. Dogs tied up outside Banks.

3 of your everyday essentials:
1. Hug and a kiss from my guys
2. Nylons
3. Contact lenses

3 things you're wearing right now:
1. Black nylons
2. Contact lenses
3. High heels

3 of your favorite bands/artists (today):
1. Ron Sexsmith
2. kd lang
3. Matchbox 20 (er, yes.)

3 of your favorite songs at present:
1. Gold in Them Hills – Ron Sexsmith
2. Neil Young’s Helpless as sung by kd lang
3. Across the Universe as sung by Rufus Wainwright

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Moisturizing my feet
2. Pole dancing for exercise
3. Persimmons

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
1. Desire
2. Fun
3. Comfort

2 truths and a lie:(no particular order to keep ya guessing)
1. We had 15 horses when I was a kid.
2. I once helped build a race car. I did the riveting.
3. I have a tattoo of the word “the” on my shoulder blade.

3 physical things about a love interest that appeal:
1. Six Foot One
2. Reddish Brown Hair
3. Size 12 feet

3 things you just can't do:
1. Catch or hit a ball
2. Make small talk
3. Remember birthdays in time

3 of your favorite hobbies:
1. Cooking
2. Gardening
3. Napping

3 things you want to do really badly right now:
1. To listen to music
2. To get a manicure and pedicure
3. To stretch

3 careers you're considering:
1. Naked News Weather Girl
2. Chef
3. Blog celebrity

3 places you want to go on vacation:
1. Spain
2. Italy
3. Bed

3 kids names (either boy or girl):
1. Olivia
2. Ian
3. Joe

3 things you want to do before you die:
1. Skinny Dip
2. Stand Up Comedy
3. Dallas

3 people who have to take this quiz now:
1. Crabby
2. Sister
3. Boomer

Spidey will have a half-caf triple shot mocha frapuccino, please
So Sister Staceypatrick got Ice Prince (now 4!) a Spiderman Action Lego Set for Christmas/His Birthday. There’s a helicopter, two motorcycles, Spiderman, a Policeman and a Villain. Cool. Action packed. Just screaming for a good motorcycle chase or a helicopter crash.

So what does my son do?

He sets all the lego up like a Starbucks (with a counter and a table and chair area) and has the Villain serving “laffés” and cookies to Spidey and his friend the Policeman.

My little metrosexual.

"It's My Party and I'll Go to The Emergency Room If I Want to.."
New Year's Eve. My birthday. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. WEEKS!

Crabby, Sister and the husbands arrived at 6:30 pm. The lamb shanks were simmering. The orzo was boiling. By 7:00 pm, Fresh and I were upstairs in the bathroom trying to pull a kalediscope off of Ice Prince's index finger. By 7:20 pm, IP was screaming and his finger was swelling up. I took him to the emergency room while Fresh put dinner together.

They put IP's hand in a bowl of ice water to bring down the swelling. Do you realize how many clever games I had to invent to get him to keep his hand in the water? Most involved diving penguins and polar bears. Later, the doctor came by and said that they were going to give IP a hallucenegenic drug and would numb all pain so that they could cut it off his finger.

He was on a total drug trip. It was sort of funny. Anyhow, they managed to get the thing off without cutting it (because he finally relaxed.) He woke up around 9:30 and asked "Mommy, why do you have 12 eyes?" He started to come around. by 10:30, he was merely behaving like a drunk. I was allowed to take him home, which wasn't easy, because he had no muscle control and was singing at the top of his voice like a wino.

Anyhow, We made it home before 11 pm, and I was able to enjoy a plate of dinner that Fresh had put together (Yeah Fresh! He worked very hard.) and enjoy what was left of my birthday.

Thank you to my dear friends for understanding when I had to leave them. You're the best. And hey! Big thanks to Lily for sending me the beautiful necklace I have admired on her site for so very long. I love it! And it really cheered me up just when I needed it.

The Royal Birthday Season Is Upon Us
Sideways is a movie best enjoyed with a wine snob you love. It is a great movie -- funny, heartwarming, heartbreaking and most of all very real. Well, except for the part where...anyway. Go see it and enjoy it. Here's one of my favourite quotes:

Jack: If they want to drink merlot, we're drinking merlot.
Miles: No, if anyone orders merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any merlot!

Today the wee Ice Prince turns four. Unbelievable. I will be wearing my pleather pants and entertaining the neighbours and their offspring with such classics as Head and Shoulders Knees and Toes. Actually, THAT'S the unbelievable part. But true. IP is ready to dance and play his guitar. I've got pirate loot for everyone, a great big dress up trunk, pizzas and a cake that, if all goes well in the next cople of hours, will be in the shape of a pirate ship. Really! I'll show you later.

For now, have to run.

Those participating in La Fete de la Reine can meet at Cafe Volo (NE corner of Yonge and Dundonald, just north of Wellesley.) at noon tomorrow, the 31st. I'll be wearing my pink mink. And a smile.

Oh, and remind me to tell you the story about the guy who tried to pick me up after the movie while Fresh was procuring us a latte. Great fun. The girl still has it!

Suffering Queen Withdrawal?
"But my liege!" you cry "What gourmet delecacies have you submitted your royal guests to this holiday season?"

Christmas Eve:
Crown Roast of Pork with Apricot/Walnut/Sausage Stuffing
Roasted Brussel Sprouts and Carrots
Spiced Yam Pudding
Trunips with Bacon and Peas
Chocolate Bread Pudding
Chudleigh's Apple Pie (when it comes to apple, I don't even try to compete)

As mentioned, it was tourtiere and flourless chocolate cake last night. On la Fete De La Reine, my exclusive dinner guests will dine on Red Wine Braised Lamb Shank and Roasted Mediterranean Vegetable Salad.

Tomorrow, Fresh is taking me to see the movie Sideways and out for lunch for my birthday - it's the only day we have free together when Ice Prince is in daycare.

And how was my Christmas? All in all, great. The best part was on Sunday night when IP and Fresh and I were alone and after dinner we three sat and played IP's new guitars and drum and sang Away in a Manger. That memory will stay with me a long time.

Oh, and Fresh got me The Daily Show's America: Democracy Inaction. It rocks.

Missed Me, Missed Me, Now You've Got To Kiss Me!
Hello, possums!

Busy, busy baking tourtiere and flourless chocloate cake for the inlaws. Ice Prince is currently elbow-deep in a bowl of melted chocolate. Should have more time for blogging tomorrow.

4 days until the Queen's Birthday - an internationally holiday celebrated by all. See you soon!

A Quiet and Peaceful Moment to Blog
It's 6 o'clock in the morning and it's STILL snowing. Those of you who recall Fresh's slipped disk will understand why this matters to me.

Bad stuff: I arrived to pick up Ice Prince last night only to be told that the gift exchange is tomorrow. What gift exchange you might well ask? Because that's what I asked too. Suffice it to say that I ran to Shoppers and bought an armful of cartoon-based tree ornaments. Who'd have thought my Muslim daycare provider would encourage a Christmas gift exchange? What-ever! They were this close to all getting pine scented air fresheners from the local 7-ll. THIS close!

Good stuff: Boomer gave me my birthmas present already and it is lovely. Really lovely! And I gave him a homemade mix CD with a picture on the cover of me picking my nose. I'm class all the way! Thank you, Boomer!

Had a meeting with my boss yesterday. "Looks like you're done everything, " she said. "Yup," said I. "Well then, just go home! Or go shopping or something!" I like my boss.

Sent out Ice Prince's birthday party invites. I've only invited 3 kids (well, 5 because two have baby brothers.) I didn't invite any of the kids from daycare, just kids from school/our street and I WILL NOT feel guilty. I want to retain my sanity and besides, they'll have their pine scented air fresheners to comfort them upon being left out of the party of the year. IP has chosen a pirate theme - I am very proud of him.(It's probably just an excuse for him to wear a blouse and an earring.)

Speaking of birthday party of the year, we WILL be doing La Fete de la Reine on noon December 31st at Cafe Volo. I do want manicures, but I'm not sure I can find a place that'll do so many of us at once. And I'm too busy to check right now. If anyone is bored and feels like sourcing manicures around Yonge and Wellesley for the 31st, feel free.

Change is Good
Yep, changed the titlebar. That picture was taken this morning in the photo booth in the subway. My melon isn't really that big. Isn't my hat cute?

Naughty or Nice?

The Scented Candle Must Die
My workstation is exuding a scanted candle smell that is DRIVING ME MAD!!!! MAD I TELL YOU!

I cannot for the life of me figure out where this smell is coming from. It's giving me a headache. It seems to be emanating from the keyboard and wafting up as I type, but that's crazy, right?

Right?

Pew!

Shhh…..

Guess what I got Fresh for Christmas? Guitar lessons! He’s wanted some forever, but it’s the sort of thing you rarely splurge on yourself. He can then teach Ice Prince, who has asked Santa for a guitar. I liked the teacher’s course outline. Here are some of the songs they play:
Champagne Super Nova (Oasis)
Don't Look Back in Anger (Oasis)
Wonderwall (Oasis)
Lay Down Sally (Eric Clapton)
Dumb (Nirvana)
Jesus Don't Want Me (Nirvana)
No Rain (Blind Melon)
Harvest (Neil Young)
Knockin' on Heaven's Door (Bob Dylan)
If I Had A Million Dollars (Barenaked Ladies)
Elderly Woman (Pearl Jam)
Runaway Train (Soul Asylum)
Mr. Jones (Counting Crows)
Wheat Kings (Tragically Hip)
Let it Be (Beatles)
Eight Days A Week (Beatles)
Edmund Fitzgerald (Gordon Lightfoot)
Tonite, Tonite (Smashing Pumpkins)
Give Me One Reason (Tracy Chapman)
Wonderin' Where The Lions Are (Bruce Cockburn)

Funky Fresh! Coming to a café near you!

In other news, we’ve been in our house for three Christmases. I opened up all the cards last night that we got in the mail, but I didn’t recognize the names in one. I looked at the envelope, and it was addressed to the former owners. Now, how friendly are you with someone if you don’t know that they moved THREE YEARS AGO? But what worried me was that it read: “Love, Abi and Greg. Cain and Theo. See you on the 27th!” Guess I better throw on another couple of chops, eh?

News Flash
Royal Family (Queen Mum and Dad) arrive in Toronto several days early to avoid freezing rain.

The coldest day of the year and I have limo service.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

And as it should be, natch.

No, it’s NOT that time of the month
Ah……the busiest part of the year has now ended. Well, the part at work anyway.

It’s been a crazy three weeks:
Totally gutted basement
Fresh slipped a disk gutting the basement.
Finished gutting it myself and prepared for new carpet
Fed Fresh Percoset
Wrote and administered six town halls in nine locations in two countries (no I didn’t travel)
Wrote a 7 page newsletter (was supposed to just edit but no one can write to my standards).
Planned and hosted two office holiday parties.
Sent handmade Christmas cards (yesterday, so watch your mailbox)
Made 6 dozen chocolate covered pretzels (2 dozen at my desk. Come and get ‘em!)
Dealt with spawn of Satan (actually spawn of Fresh) almost 4 year old who if he could say “talk to the hand”, would

I’m so tired and post-stressy that I just burst out in tears if Fresh asks me where I store the coffee, or anything else for that matter.

Sunday morning at 7:50 am our power went out. So we went for breakfast at the Tulip. I figured Ice Prince would be continuing with the Demon Seed from Hell behaviour, but he was absolutely adorable and ate 4 giant pancakes, two of which were on my plate. So that was nice. The power was back on when we got home at 3 pm. Then I burst out in tears. Again.

I am hosting and posting over at Wanda’s tomorrow, so drop by. “It’s the most Wandaful time of the year!”

What Kind of Pirate Am I?

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

It’s Getting Better All the Time
I am THIS close to being done all my major projects before the holidays. Tomorrow is payday. My dear friends Crabby and the Sister gave me a spa gift certificate for my birthday (yes, my birthday is on the 31st, but this is so that I can be waxed and buffed and ready for the party season.) Keep those gifts coming! I’ve got an appointment to get my highlights updated. Tomorrow is our office party. Life is good.

But I need to finish making my Christmas cards tonight.

The IP Report
I sent Ice Prince off to school today with a tin full of oatmeal craisin cookies. He shook the tin most of the way, so it was probably just a big ol’ tin of oatmeal when he got there. Sugary buttery oatmeal. Mmmmm…..

I asked what he wanted to get his teacher. “A name tag. With flowers.” Yeah, whatever. I think we’ll make her a card.

Today, he was wearing a sweatshirt, concept by Ice Queen, tailoring by Ice Queen Mum. It says “Naughty or nice?” and has a check box next to each. There is a little ribbon on a pin and you can mark which he is that day. His morning, he was naughty. For Easter, he had a shirt that had fluffy chicks on it and it said “Chick Magnet”. And he’s also got a wee apron that says “Short Order Chef”. I really do think if my mom brought her stuff to Toronto, we could make a bundle selling these little gems.

Restores My Faith in the Season. And in Bunnies.
It'a A Wonderful Life in 30 Seconds by the Bunny Players.

From what I remember of the movie, the only thing left out is falling in the pool. Otherwise, it's all there!

Joan Crawford, Formerly Known as Ice Queen
So apparently, to be a good mom, I have to buy the teacher a present and make nut-free treats for tomorrow. All the cool moms are doing it.

Bloody, bloody, bloody.

Crabby and Sister and coming over tonight for wine. Maybe we can make some rude shaped gingerbread cookies to send with Ice Prince tomorrow.

As for a present, when I was in school, it was against school policy to give your teacher a present, because it was unfair to the poorer kids. Some kid's mom asked me if I wanted to contribute to a gift certificate and I told her this. I haven't heard from her since. Did I ice her? But all the other kids were toting prezzies to school today and tomorrow's the official party, so I'd better manage something. Oh yeah, and payday is two days away, Fresh took the bottle of wine I had planned to serve tonight and I'm serving whatever is in my cupboard to the girls this evening - lots of orzo. So the teacher may be getting a gently used book or Christmas ornament at this rate. I've got a book called "I Don't Know How She Does It". In the first chapter, the mom is sprinkling icing sugar over store bought mince tarts to take into school so they look homemade. That'd be appropriate eh?

Still crazy busy at work, but thought I'd vent for a moment. If it's Tuesday, it must be Belgium.

Wine sounds real good.

Cool Dude of the Day: Joseph

Think about it. The guy marries Mary. They’re married, but she’s still a virgin. So he’s not getting any. And then Mary comes home and says “I’m pregnant, but I’m still a virgin.”

If this scenario would played out on Jerry Springer, what do you think would have happened?

Plus Joseph never gets any credit. Sure, Mary’s the Mother of God, but what’s Joseph? Not the father. He’s like the Step-Father of God. You think it was easy raising Jesus? "Close the door. What's the matter with you, were you born in a barn?"

So give it up for Joseph!

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast
Well, it was that kind of week. I managed to pull off a shipload of high visible projects at work, backwards in high heels even!

It culminated in the first of TWO office Christmas parties (we have a big honkin' department and I serve both halves. And I mean serve in the non-prono way. Naughty! Santa's watching, you know.) Anyhow, the SVP seemed a bit concerned about the place I had chosen. Not sure why - probably because it wasn't a pub. He loves pubs. This was a lounge. With beads and low cubes to sit on and posters for something called SpankDelicious (I had to phone Boomer and share.) And this half of the department is known for being rather, well, mature and conversative.

Well! the SVP heartily shook my hand four times telling me that it was "a perfect party", "The best yet".

I managed to get squeezed and pinched a fair bit by two older men who thought I was the cutest thing. I was able to shut them down politely with several witty barbs and my boss later said: "I can't believe they said that to you, but you handled it perfectly."

Ice Prince has been sick all weekend. Projectile vomiting. Call the Priest.

Now on to next week. And getting my homemade Christmas cards out. Finally. If I can keep IP from tossing up his oatmeal on them. (Aw, what the hell. Looks decorative.)

Don't firget to RSVP for La Fete de la Reine: Because It's Always Noon Somewhere!

Don We Now Our Gay Apparel
It's the event of the season:

La Fete de la Reine!: Otherwise known as The Ice Queen's birthday.
This is traditionally celebrated by Boomer, Beco and Lola feting me with lunch. After lunch last year, we got fake tattoos.

For the 3rd Annual Fete de la Reine, we will be lunching downtown, and the event for this year will be Manicures and Pedicures! (Or just manicures. Or maybe waxing. I don't have all the details worked out yet. Something spa-ish and girly.)

Date: December 31st (yes, that's really my birthday)
Time: Noonish
Place: Downtownish Toronto (traditionally Café Volo at Yonge and Dundonald)

Please RSVP if you would like to join us for lunch and/or the Spavaganza.

And how old am I? A lady never tells. But since I'm no lady, I can tell you that I'm 36. that doesn't seem possible, but it's true.

"That look you were going for? You missed."
Still busy. Enjoy a mid-80s pic of me with Santa.

Al meets Keef
Really really busy this week.

Enjoy this picture of me and Fresh at a Hallowe'en party. Then go see Benjamin, he's got a cool blogger interactive thing going on today which I will attend to when I have time.



Kiss kiss!

One of My Seasonal Favourites

I’m class all the way, dollface
Mikevil (who seems to be inspiring me lately) has written today about his tasteful Christmas tree.

Here are some of the tasteful things that appear on MY tree:
Plastic vampire teeth
Canadian flag (used to be held by the angel until we got a new angel)
Cardboard VIA Rail train (I think Stace and I got these on the train up to see my parents in first year university)
Wooden circus tiger with a feathered headdress
A life-sized jewelled banana
Lots of fake birds with real feathers

Can’t remember what else. (Friends may wish to add to the list if they remember anything.)I’ll update you when we unpack the tree. Probably December 18th.

What to Give the Girl Who Wants Everything?
Did I mention that my birthday is coming up? 29 shopping days left!

The Gift That Keeps on Giving
I’ll Make My ‘O’ Face
Batter up!
Sometimes, Slow Can Be Good Too
Baby You Can Light My Fire
Ribbed for Your Pleasure
Our Compliments
Bonsai!
Give Me Your Answer True

In Honour of George Bush's Visit

An Apology to Americans
From This Hour has 22 Minutes
By Reporter 'Anthony St. George' (Performed by Colin Mochrie-after whom my son was named. If you ask me. If you ask Fresh, he's named after Colin Vaughan.)

"Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Sheriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry."

Well, that explains a lot...


Your romance is more of a love that needs to bloom
within, just like Hedwig of Hedwig and the
Angry Inch. The film features an East German
transsexual who is seeking her "other
half" after constant betrayal. You must
love yourself before you can need another.
You're starting to realize this, along with the
fact that you don't need a significant other to
be a complete person. Your "other
half" has been inside you all along.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

Incidentally, if you haven't seen Hedwig-do. Best movie about a botched sex change operation ever and great music. Would I lie?

Born to Be Wild

"Get your motor runnin'
Get out on the highway
Looking for adventure
In whatever comes my way..."

And for all the children of the world to join hands....
Real Press Release Excerpt: “The National Parenting Center (TNPC) has given a big thumbs up to FunSlides on their newly posted list of approved holiday toys. Strapped onto to any athletic shoes, FunSlides are designed to glide over carpet. Product testers especially appreciated the physical exercise FunSlides offer kids age 6 and up. And, the TNPC said parents liked how enthusiastic their kids were about the opportunity to get up and move!”

Is the TNPC chaired by Irwin Mainway? What the? I don’t know about you, but there is no room in my house where sliding across the rug would not result in you hitting something very hard, something very breakable, or possibly both. So I can see why kids would like it, but parents? And what kind of fat ass kid are you if sliding ten feet across your living room is considered good exercise? Do kids not normally have the opportunity to get up and move? What if the batteries are dead on the convertor?

Ice Prince is getting much safer things, from Mainway Toys:
• Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set
• Mr. Skin-Grafter
• General Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit
• Doggie Dentist
• Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk
• Bag O' Glass (We put a label on every bag that says, "Kid! Be careful - broken glass!")
• Bag O' Nails
• Bag O' Bugs
• Bag O' Vipers
• Bag O' Sulfuric Acid
• Invisible Pedestrian Costume ("It says right here - 'not for blind kids!'")

Song For Sister Staceypatrick on Her Just-Past Birthday
Went to Sister Stacey's* birthday party on Saturday. For a present, she was given her bellydance name. Last I heard it was: Nashita. I'll let Sis explain the significance and meaning, etc. But here's the song I promised her (not the full thing, I'll crazy busy here.)

Nashita (to that Elton John Tune)

Oh Nashita, is it cold
With your belly button swaying and exposed?
When you look out in the crowd
Nashita, do you count the tickets sold?

Oh Nashita, you will never know
How to fix your blogger code
Is it because you're getting so damn old?
Oh, whoa, Nashita, don't hit me -- ow!

*New readers, she's not my real sister, but she abuses me like one. And vice-versa.

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
So we took Ice Prince to see the Santa Claus Parade. We got there about a third of the way through. IP had a good spot and could see. He enjoyed it. Then, the rumbles began in the crowd. "Santa's coming! Santa's coming!"

IP was getting excited. The reindeer came into view, then Santa. "Merry Christmas!" he yelled "Merry Christmas!" Then the float moved on with Santa.

Ice Prince began to cry. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"He left!"
"Well, yes."
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but," he blubbered, "Where's my present? He didn't bring me my present!"

What we have here is a failure to communicate. Which is very sad, considering my profession. I bought him a candy cane and all was well.

The Regina Monologues
I gave the royal court titles in the link list. If you don’t like yours, check this out for something more befitting.

I'm experimenting with the template. Be patient and kind.

Meme for a Friday
Type each single letter of the alphabet in the address bar of your browser and list what the auto-complete function pulls up first. I think I first saw this at Paper Napkin and then at Reecie who got it somewhere else. You’re supposed to actually link the site, but I’m too bloody lazy for that nonsense.
A is for Accordion Guy
B is for Babelfish
C is for Chip Tijuana
D is for Dantallion
E is for Edition CNN
F is for Food 4 Epicurious
G is for garlicster.blogspot.com
H is for Harlequeen Romances
I is for Irascible Musings
J is for Job Search at Monster.ca
K is for Kids Help Phone
L is for lamberrymere.blogspot.com
M is for Mikey The Legend
N is for Naditu (Sister Stace’s bellydance site)
O is for some Microsoft Office site.
P is for Paper Napkin
Q is for Quizilla
R is for Reecie.com
S is for Scream for Ice Queen
T is for Toronto IABC
U is for nothin’
V is for Vintage Art Posters
W is for nothin’
X is for nothin’
Y is for nothin’
Z is for nothin’

If the Ice Queen Does It, Everybody ‘Jumps’ On the Bandwagon

David Lee Roth is training to be a paramedic. Only I could make saving lives cool in less than 48 hours!

I think I’m going to start a paramedic team and make it full of 80s Music Stars. Let’s see:
David Lee Roth (natch) Jump! Clear!
Cyndi Lauper (“I Drove All Night Just To Get To You”)
Black Michael Jackson (he’s already got one glove)
Right Said Fred “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, tell me where it hurts. I’m too sexy for my cat, think you might need a CAT scan, get me 10 cc’s, stat!” Plus he might had to rip off his shirt to bandage someone.
Bryan Adams (because he’s going to Run To You. And Everything He Does, He Does It For You.)

Who else is in?

It’s all fun and games until……

I enjoyed my First Aid course yesterday so much (picture above is really from my handbook I received) I just may volunteer with St John Ambulance. Suffering from heatstroke at the Ex? It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s SUPER ICEQUEEN!

“But didn’t it bother you touching people?” said Boomer. Apparently my Iciness is legendary.

But it didn’t. I guess because people who are that badly hurt or unconscious can’t talk back.

Ah, I love the smell of latex gloves in the morning...it smells like victory.

New Novel Bits
Two new episodes at Harlequeen Romances (the novel I'm writing for Nanowrimo). Sheryl finally appears and Stacey gets naked. And there are uniforms too! In the next episode, find out what's new with Outlaw, Mikael's faithful German Shepherd.

Turn Your Head And Cough
So today I was up at Megabank’s training centre to learn all about First Aid.
1. I hit my head during one of the role playing scenarios. (The instructor told me to pretend to go unconscious. I’m a method actor!)
2. One fellow participant claimed a) his parents said it was unsafe to sleep with his dog (pets suck up all the oxygen!) b) his parents said it was unsafe to sleep with plants in the room (they take your oxygen!) c) a restaurant owner once cured his burned hand by plunging it into a can of tomatoes d) his mom once healed his knife wound by putting Folger’s coffee grounds on it.
3. I’m pretty good under pressure! No, really! It’s great because my penchant for lightening the atmosphere with lame jokes and patter distracts the patient from the fact that I am poking and prodding them. Maybe I should change career streams?
4. I have a stress headache from dealing with fake trauma all day. Or maybe it’s from hitting my head on the floor. Anyone know First Aid?

So if you ever need someone to pound on your chest or give you mouth to mouth, call me, baby. But you have to buy me dinner first.

Speaking of back….

Sister Staceypatrick’s blog is back from the dead. If you like bellydancing and dislike insurance companies, this is the blog for you! I have to endorse it because she’s my oldest friend. (And getting older by the minute. Hah!)

Crabby’s been back for a while, taking on the hardhitting issues and nearly barfing on her cat. And Chip, of course, is like the little brother we never had.

Speaking of little brothers, I also enjoy Mikey the Legend, which I find to be very Catcher-in-the-Rye for the new millennium.

I Didn't Cheat. Honest.

You're an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creature, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and family are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
can always apologize later!

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by

Winter Fashion Chez Ice
On my day off yesterday, I went to Zellers and bought:
A pair of aqua blue Muggs for me (a cheap knock off of Uggs boots). Warm ‘n’ toasty! Went for a walk in them and they made my feet sweat!
A pair of Spiderman winter boots for the Prince. Spidey’s eyes light up when he walks.
A red and navy Nordic flap hat with a big tassel for IP

Ice Prince loved his new gear so much, he curled up in an armchair hugging his loot and refused to put them down until dinner was ready. He also ripped off his hat at the school door and proudly showed it to his teacher, explainingg that it matches his Spidey boots which he didn’t wear today because it wasn’t snowing yet..

Christmas Presents
Once again, the Queen will be making her Christmas presents. I can’t tell you this year’s idea because some of you may be recipients, but it is edible (at least, that’s the plan….)

Past Ice Queen Homemade Triumphs include:
Tile coasters with Jack Handey quotations on them
Infused olive oil
Biscotti
Chocolate truffles
Russian nesting dolls, handpainted to look like all family members (for my mom) – I should get a picture of these for the blog!
Bird house handpainted to look like Glencoe Train Station (for my Dad)
Handknit scarf for Fresh that turned out to be about 12 feet long and 2 feet wide.

Because I can't say it any better
What Dan says.

Busy writing my novel on the bus (Sheryl is about to appear!) and doing work here at work. You know.

Go visit Izzle Pfaff! He makes me laugh. Today's post is good, but my favourite is here.

Today in Ice Queen History
Here's a golden oldie from Nov. 8, 2003:

"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Kodos": The Ice Queen's Election Special

A piece on the ol' blamblog has inspired a new tune. Brett ponders: If Miller looks like a mayor and thinks like a mayor, does he smell like a mayor? The Icicle Fief went straight to the Ouija Board to ask the world's foremost expert, Kurt Cobain:

Smells like David Miller

Load up on Pez and
Bring your friends
No fun to lose
I won’t pretend
I don’t just run
To pay the rent
Got to go meet
Some constituents

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Must admit I’ve got great hair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Though Babs thinks it unfair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
They’ve been hintin’
I’m like Clinton
Eating Cheetos
In my speedo
Yeah

Babs got worse, failed the test
And for this gift I feel blessed
She’s pretty cute though, she’s no hag
She vaguely looks like me in drag

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Only ran on a dare
Here I am now
I am your mayor
Look sincere, like I care
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Don’t like jets
Don’t incinerate
Reduce murder
Have some burgers
Yeah!

And why am I
So squeaky clean?
Use Irish Spring
And some Brylcreem
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello
Not like Thatcher, more like Blair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Did I mention, my great hair?
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Tom is E.T.
John is needy
Babs is biding
Tory’s bribing
Yeah, a denial
A denial
A denial...

Go on out and vote for the candidate of your choice. And don't forget to take your Pez.

(This post was in no way paid for by the Campaign to elect David Miller. Unfortunately. But if the campaign would like to send along some money retroactivately, that'd be grand. Thanks.)

Three new posts up on Harlequeen Romances. Check it out!

Seen yesterday written on a very dusty pick-up truck: "I wish my wife was as dirty as my truck."

Nanowrim-oh!
Things are really moving at Harlequeen Romances. I'm 8.17% done! And it's only the beginning of Day 5. (For new readers: I am part of a challenge whereby I have to write a 50,000 word novel between Nov 1st and Nov 30th.) Am I going to make it? Stay tuned.

I welcome any comments or suggestions, especially since the novel is all about YOU. What do you think should happen next?

For serious novel writing, get your box of kleenex and head over to Mikevil's Bathmat Cat book. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Wanda killed off her main character in Chapter One and Surly managed a naked man in the shower on page one. I'm still trying to catch up on all my reading.

But if you only read one, make it mine. Because it's all about wine, prostitutes, strippers, cooking, cats, a German Shepherd and all your favourite Ice Queen regulars.

A Few Good Men
Wanda is in mourning about the election results and one of her readers suggested that she could marry a Canadian and move here, since we allow same sex marriage in this enlightened country.
So let’s start up that Underground Maleroad.

Canadian boys and girls, are you ready to give up your singlehood to save an American?

Americans, are you ready to embrace this godless country of pot smoking sodomites?

Orientation classes will include the topics:
Food: You’ve Always Got Time for Tim Hortons
Language: Why does May 24 not always fall on the 24th?
Money: How to tell the difference between Canadian currency and Canadian Tire Money
Manners: Saying “You’re Welcome”
Music: Learning to Love Ron Sexsmith and Rufus Wainwright
Art: Group of Seven Actually Had Eight Members
Film: Sarah Polley must appear in all Canadian films or a disclaimer must be run.
Seasons: Construction and Winter

Please attach applications for immigrating or for sponsoring an American in the comments section.

More Fine Literary Offerings
If my own pallid prose isn't up to snuff, there's an ongoing story on the ol'Blamblog, in which I persuade Chip (who is channelling Bones McCoy) to join me on the dark side. Or is it the light side? Only my squid monkey minions know for sure.

(Oh, and I seem to have gotten Bill Clinton killed. Oopsie!)

And They're Off!
My first post is up on Harlequeen Romances. Please remember:
1. Quantity, not Quality
2. Although a character may be named after you and may share many of your qualities, it is FICTION. It's not you. I'm not insulting you or making fun of you. Well, maybe just a little. But you're free to write your own novel about me too.
3. I'm doing this quickly. I'm trying to get a plot of some sort rolling, so I'll probably be a bit short on descriptions for a while.

Coming soon, in this order:
Scenes with
Markus!
Lily!
Bunny!
Benjamin!
Lisa!
Wanda!

Icy, Don’t Eat It!
(named after the always hilarious regular feature on The Sneeze)

Ice Prince’s Loot:
12 O’Henrys
8 Reeses Peanut butter Cups
3 Aero Bars
2 Caramilks
1 Mars bar
1 Crunchie bar
Assorted Rockets, suckers, toffees
1 set of Gummy Fangs (IP ate these first, in one bite. I thought he was going to choke.)
1 super cool Sponge Bob Squarepants toothbrush

And three of these:


Just opened it. Looks like a normal pink hard candy. Tastes like……
Tomato. And a bit of plum. Quite nice, actually.

(Yes, I steal candy from my kid. And this’ll probably be the last year I can so hush!)

Eeeewww….it’s getting a lot more tomato-y as I get nearer the centre.