Friday, July 30, 2004

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
IQ: I have to get change for bus fare, and you've been a good boy, so I'll buy you a treat this morning.
IP: Yay! I love treats! Well, I like good treats, not bad treats.
IQ: Bad treats? What's an example of a bad treat?
IP: A rock is a bad treat.
IQ: True.
IP: Anything you find on the floor is a bad treat.
IQ: Fair enough. What's a good treat?
IP: Anything you put in your mouth.
IQ: Toothpaste?
IP: No!
IQ: You put toothpaste in your mouth...
IP: But it's not a treat.
IQ: Cookies?
IP: Yes!
IQ: Peas?
IP: Yes, peas are treats too.
IQ: Huh! Who knew?

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Lola’s Song
to the tune of I’ve been Working on the Railroad

I’ve been working for the Beemo
All the live long day
I’ve been working for the Beemo
Just to get incentive pay
Can't you leave a little early
Overtime sure stinks
Can’t you hear the bankers shouting
”Lola, go for drinks!

Lola won’t you go
Lola won’t you go
Lola, won’t you go for drinks with us
Lola, won’t you go
Lola, won’t you go
Lola, won’t you go for drinks?”

Someone’s in the storeroom with Lola
Someone’s in the storeroom I said
Someone’s in the storeroom with Lola
Looking at her 4 page spread

Fee fie fiddley I said
Fee fie fiddley I said
Fee fie fiddley I said
Looking at her 4 page spread

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Soon to Be revealed!
A Simpsons character comes out of the closet and there's a gay marriage performed by Homer.

Who could it be?

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Well, for a marriage to occur, you need two people. So if only one comes out of the closet, could it be:

Barney?
Dr. Nick?
Willie?
Professor Frink?
Troy McClure? (who does his voice now, anyway?)
Karl and Lenny?
Some say Patty or Selma, but I don't think so.

And who's the lucky bride/groom? Either:
1. The Groom is Smithers
2. The Groom is John (the guy from the kitsch store)
3. The bride/Groom is a stranger.

The episode will run in January.
Culture Corner
Remember the poetry blog Crabby and I share? Well, I've made a new entry. Enjoy.

Two Drink Minimum.
Crowning Glory
I've got a new tiara to try out today. If my lunch date brings her digital camera, maybe I can post a picture.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Ice Prince Reviews Shrek 2
Me: What are the rules?
I: When you’re in the feeatre (sic) there’s no jumping, no grabbing, no screaming. You have to sit and eat your popcorn. And it’s dark.
Me: What did you like best about the movie?
IP: Eating the popcorn and drinking the red juice.
Me: No, what part of the movie?
IP: (thinks) Well, I liked when the cat bit Shrek on the bum.

The Queen Reviews Shrek 2
I liked it. Not as much as Shrek 1. I thought that Mongo was a bit too deus ex machina.

I liked Cat, but thought he could have been used better. And I thought from the reviews that Cat and Donkey were going to end up together – there was some reference to “alternative lifestyle” in the movie, but other than Cat saying that Prince Charming sounded dreamy – nuthin’. Well, except for the part after the credits with Dragon. Which again, I thought was pretty predictable.

All in all, I enjoyed it. My favourite part was the COPS parody.

BREAKING NEWS
My parents are coming into town to babysit tomorrow night. Yes! YES!
My True Colours
As found on Fruit Cocktail.
you are lavenderblush
#FFF0F5

Your dominant hues are red and magenta. You love doing your own thing and going on your own adventures, but there are close friends you know you just can't leave behind. You can influence others on days when you're patient, but most times you just want to go out, have fun, and do your own thing.

Your saturation level is very low - you have better things to do than jump headfirst into every little project. You make sure your actions are going to really accomplish something before you start because you hate wasting energy making everyone else think you're working.

Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.
the spacefem.com html color quiz


Friday, July 23, 2004

Note To Self
Don't guzzle, in a rush of enthusiasm while doing the dishes, the remainder of the balsamic vinegar, thinking it's what's left of the Zinfandel.
 
Blech!

Jazz and The Blues
(A lovely guest blog by Crabby)
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us We strolled along Queen Street last night, enjoying Jazz Fest, and Eventually made our way right to my sad and dilapidated marital home. The first place I ever lived in Toronto. The first home I shared with my new husband. The place where I grew to love the loveliest friends one could have. In that home I learned how to be married, and consequently learned more about what is and what isn't important to me. Such a heartbreak now, that little bungalow - the lawn is full of weeds and is in desperate need of a cutting. The ancient tree is mostly dead.  The adorable elderly couple next door has moved to a care facility and their house has been replaced by two McMansions.  My gorgeous lily garden is obscured by elbow-high weeds. Ok, ok, the reality is that I have never had nor will I ever have a gorgeous garden of any kind, but I tell you looked better under my care than it does now. Even the holly bush, which I raided every Christmas to fill our small, drafty rooms with cheer, knows the love is gone. It's droopy and overgrown all at the same time.  Standing on the sidewalk, gazing at what was once one of my favourite corners of the world, I felt the same way.

We loved that little house. All the windows have since been replaced with decidedly un-romantic, non-wooden white plastic things. The old backdoor that used to let snowdrifts in, and through which Bigkitty could stick his paw has also been replaced. It's also white, but metal, with no screen. Coach lamps have been installed.  All of this made me sad and lonely for our dumpy little house. The wooden sash windows were not efficient, but so generous and sturdy that they once trapped my kitten between glass and screen. The effort and the sound of pushing open those windows was almost as satisfying as the cool lake breeze that they let in. Yes, it was tiring to have to shovel the snow that blew in that back door,  but that old door had such a huge clear window that I liked to keep sparkling clean. So clean that the same kitten thought she had discovered her escape route. If you've ever been inside and seen a bird fly into your window, imagine being outside barbequing, and seeing a kitten fly smack into the glass and drop unseen onto the floor. That was the magic of that house. The most fun things happened there.

Later, we walked home to our less dumpy, slightly newer home, soaking wet from the rain. At the top of our street we were met on the sidewalk by Phil Who is Not Dead, and Skinny Kitty Big Head. It's good here too, I reminded myself. My garden is only a wee bit below respectable, with very few weeds. Abby came barrelling towards us for a cuddle, with Huckle in hot pursuit. It's good where we live now - we're so lucky, really. We still have the same and loveliest friends, and the fun times continue. Maybe it's not one's environment that matters as much as those who create it. I've always been sentimental about places I've lived. One day, when we move from our current home, I'll be devastated. If we ever come back to visit, maybe my heart will be filled with the memories of Christmases and barbeques and our lackadaisical approach to home renovations. I'll remember this home very fondly, but never as fondly as that first one.


Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Homework
I read an article about Presidential Portraits in Time last week.  It mentioned how Clinton's was the first to include an American flag, which I thought was interesting.

In the olden days, portraits would often be painted with objects representing the subject's profession, hobbies, philosophy, etc.

So, if YOU were to have your portrait done:
1. What would you be wearing?
2. Where would you be posed?
3. What objects would be in the picture with you?
4. If you like, tell me who would paint it. Or photograph it.  Dead people allowed. Like you're going to actually have this done. Riiiiight.

Books Fit for A Queen
Last night at the library I took out:
  • Leap of Faith: Queen Noor of Jordan's Autobiography (started it - very interesting. It's like a romance and travel book and a political memoir all rolled into one.
  • 15 Canadian Poets
  • Clara Callan (won a Giller Prize, apparently), and
  • I picked up my copy of the video Local Hero, which we will watch on Friday night.


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

If it's nae Scottish, it's Crap!
To make up for my Moor comment, I'll tell you a joke that makes my ethnicity look bad.
 
A Englishman, A Canadian and a Scotsman are in a pub. They each get a pint. A fly lands in each of their pints.
The Englishman calls the waitress for a replacement pint.
The Canadian picks the fly out and drinks the beer.
The Scotman picks the fly out, squeezes him over the glass and yells "Spit it oot, ye greedy bastard!"
Slightly not PC, I apologize to Northern Africans
I heard on the new last night that Molson and Coors might merge. I suggested to Fresh that they call the new beer "Coolson". Fresh thought it was brilliant and that I should write to them.
 
I didn't think it was that brilliant. Calling their dark ale "Moors", now that's a bit more original.
Looking for a few Good Books
Now that I have a library card, I'm looking for good books to read.
 
Any suggestions? I do NOT read mysteries or romances. I do read cookbooks, travel books, fiction (esp Canadian),
 
My favourite book is Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterston.
My most disappointing was The Corrections by Jonathon Frazen.
 
I am also looking for good music to, errr, download. My favourite these days is Ron Sexsmith. I was rather disappointed with Bebel Gilberto or whoever it was that Snobby recommended. I like jazz, blues, soul and some folk. I also like cheesy 80s music.
 
Bring it on!

Monday, July 19, 2004

A Berry Berry Big Head
Is it just me, or does Halle Berry's Catwoman headgear make her look like she has the world's biggest melon? (Too busy to find you a graphic, m'dears. But you know what I'm talking about.) Michelle Pfieffer had a MUCH better outfit, no question.
 
And I like the fact that a man was Halle's stunt double, so guys who think they're drooling at seeing Halle Berry may actually be drooling at a guy. That just makes me giggle.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I Love My Job
"The Walt Disney Company grants an extra five-minute break (or a candy bar) to the employee who finds the guest who has travelled farthest to come to the park." From 1001 Ways to Reward Employees
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Maybe my job's not so bad....
Ice Prince Tries Out A Pick Up Line On His Mom:
"You are so beautiful. Please may I lie on your lap?"

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Seen And Heard
Broadview Subway Station, Toronto
A group of students, perhaps Grade 12.
"He thinks I'm gay, man. I am not gay. I am only gay at drive-ins and on Sundays."

Works for me.
Now wait just a second...
It has just occurred to me that when you give someone mouth to mouth resucitation, you are essentially exhaling carbon dioxide into them.

How useful is that? Duh!

Monday, July 12, 2004

Missed me Missed me, now you’ve got to kiss me
I’m back, dearhearts. And there are two very good reasons why I didn’t post this weekend.
1. Censored à la Mikeveil "What if the wrong person should read this". The Ice Queen is taking on a larger life, don't you know.
2. I got a library card.

Those who know me may attest to my slightly obsessive nature, When I have a book, I am compelled to read the entire thing in one long session. While washing dishes, bathing, making dinner, walking, whatever. It’s actually very disturbing. I become like an addict.

So this weekend I read Pay It Forward and I am ¾ of the way through You Shall Know Our Velocity! I also put a hold on one of my favourite movies from the 80s: Local Hero. Pay it Forward was a pretty good book – hard to believe that Kevin Spacey in the movie was playing a character who, in the book, was black, scarred, had an eye patch, and was actually quite handsome.

You Shall Know Our Velocity! Is about two friends who have one week to travel around the globe and give away $32,000. An excellent premise that is never entirely realized to its full potential. Strange who both books involve examining the nature of charity and guys with scarred faces.

Day Eight of Condom Watch: It seems to be biodegrading, thank goodness. But still there.

Also met a possible new daycare lady for Ice Prince half days when he starts Junior Kindergarden in two months. Fairly happy with her. So hard choosing someone to look after your kid. Ice Prince loves her big fenced yard and huge assortment of toys. It should be fine. It’s VERY close to our house, so bonus.

Oh, I also rearranged Fresh’s “ home office” on Saturday, which has hereto been a junk room. He was very impressed with the results. Queen Eye for the Fresh Guy!

Thursday, July 08, 2004

I Think Not.
Walked by Pharma Plus at lunch and saw there were condoms in the clearance bin.

Is it ever a good idea to buy discount condoms?
The Nekkid Post
The new issue of Xtra is out and there are pictures of Pride. None of me. Apparently , you have to get nekkid these days to get your picture in the paper. Well, forget that. Not going to happen.

Fresh came home last night with the flu. He felt better for a couple of hours, so we watched The Cooler with William H. Macy and Alec Baldwin. If Steve Buscemi had been in the movie it would have been perfect. And Antonio Banderas, just for scenery. It was Macy's first love scene ever, and he got quite naked. That must be hard. I mean..it must be difficult to do a love scene on camera with someone you barely know. It was an excellent movie. A bit violent, but not too Tarantino.

That reminds me that Ice Prince met Enza Anderson, correspondent for Naked News and longtime acquaintance of Fresh (not like that). For our out of town readers, Enza is the local drag queen (trans? she male? I don't know the details, but know she got her chest done.) celebrity who has run for mayor and kisses all the politicians for photo ops.

Anyhow, Ice Prince that night in bed said "Mommy, what was Daddy's friend's name again?"
"Enza."
"Enza, yeah. She has such pretty hair. I like her."

Such a well-rounded education that boy's getting.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Anything I Cannot Handle Is, Therefore, My Own Problem
Cardiologist says my heart is perfectly healthy. It just marches to the beat of a different drummer.

Is anyone surprised?
In my world, I Am A Goddess
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Which Greek Goddess Are You? And it's NOT Quizilla!

Heart of Glass
Today I go to my cardiologist for the first time, hopefully the last of the specialists I am sent to to examine my various bouts of pneumonia last winter.

I bet he'll tell me to exercise, eat better and drink less. Any other bets?

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Ice Queens Always Land On Their Feet
Only I could get rewarded for losing my debit card.

Wednesday, we rented a car and picked up supplies to head up to the Crabby Compound (Crababunkport? Yeah…I like it.) We bought some fish. Then Fresh said “That’s not enough”, so we bought more. I used my debit card first, then cash. I later discovered (as I tried to buy groceries) that they hadn’t given my card back.

I phoned the fish store – no card. So I phoned and cancelled the card. Then the fish store called and said they’d found the card and offered to send it over in a taxi. I said that I’d cancelled it and he said, “I’m so sorry. Next time you’re in, I’ll get you some nice fish.”

Okay.

Home from Crababunkport, a message on the machine from George at the fish store : “When are you coming in for your fish? Call me!” So I called him yesterday. “I’ll taxi over some seafood to you!” I assured him that I would drop by.

So I ended up with $30 worth of sushi grade tuna and $15 worth of jumbo shrimp and cocktail sauce from my new buddy George.

But George is crazy like a fox. Guess where I’ll buy my fish and seafood from now on?

Ice Prince Weighs In
Ice Prince had a great time at the “college” but was sad Stacey couldn’t come “because she has her belly button class.”

When I asked him what his favourite part of going to the “college” was, he said “I liked drinking orange juice.” (Note: he always has orange juice. Go figure.)

Monday, July 05, 2004

Heaven…I’m in Heaven….
In my Heaven, the year is divided like so:
December 24 – December 31 (note, no hangover because Jan 1 is not included.) Lots of parties with family and friends. Plus my birthday. Candles, singing, food and drink. The Christmas tree is real and (miraculously) doesn’t shed any needles. On my birthday, we play music and dance.
The first week of spring: And I actually remembered to plant tons of bulbs. Birds chirp. I buy a new hat. It smells like dirt and fresh water.
A week in summer. Probably the last week of June. Every other night, there is a huge thunderstorm with thunder and lightning. There are no mosquitoes, but lots of butterflies and dragonflies. I have a wooden dock by the lake where I lie in the sun. My bikini line is pristine with no effort on my part. There is a full moon.
A week in fall. Probably the first or second week of October. At university. A nicer more picturesque university than I attended, naturally. Leaves are falling. I have nice black tights and shiny leather boots. “Making Love Out Of Nothing At All” is drifting through the air.

What's So Funny 'Bout Peas, Love and Understanding?
Back from four days at Crabby Estates in beautiful Prince Edward County. Have more laundry now than I thought was humanly possible. Ignored laundry and finished reading The Lovely Bones, lent to me by Crabby. It was amazing. About a dead girl in heaven. Sounds good, eh? No, really, it was. And I'm finicky.

I need to do a couple of things here and get my ducks in a row (hee hee!). Then I will regale you with tales of adventure. (Actually, no. But we did buy some sugar snap peas....)

So in the meantime, tell me what your heaven would be like. If you don't believe in heaven, humour me. I am the Queen and I will so smite you if I am displeased. Or, at the very least, give you my trademark withering look.