Monday, May 31, 2004

Voulez-vous Couchez Avec Moi Ce Soir?
Mr. Crabby didn’t want to go to Fashion Cares after all so I got to go with Crabby!

I wore a silver floor length crochet dress (yes, it was lined.) Crabby wore a black Audrey Hepburn-eque sheath dress.

We drank Funkdeified martinis (weird name, but they are sort of like spiked ginger lemonade), I did Karaoke with the B-Girlz . I sang New York New York (there were only 4 choices I chose the one least sung just to get up there). I even had back-up singers and dancers. Afterwards, pink B-girl said I was very Bridget Jones.
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I will take that as a compliment – goofy and hapless but charming nonetheless. They will be mailing me a DVD of my performance. I will post the file if I can and then you can download my mortification. And see the nice dress. (NOTE: Boomer just dropped by and said he could make copies of the DVD, so now I’ve decided to design a cover and sell them with proceeds going to my Pride Run fund. Why shouldn’t I/they profit from my humiliation? Boomer also compared me to William Hung even though he’s never heard me sing.)

The boutique area was great and cheap. By the time we got there, things had been picked over, but I found and bought a shirt I found that had slipped off a hanger. “You don’t buy off the rack, you buy off the floor!” quipped Crabby.

The show was loud and wonderful. Mad violinist, flying monkey people on trapezes, chaps cut in interesting places, and great singers (especially Simone Denny and Patti laBelle). The only disappointment was Linda Evangelista, who looked lovely, but read a poorly written and short speech at the beginning.

Afterwards we got free blue cocktails in wee martini glasses, glow sticks and free Haagan Daas!

I don’t think I saw Mikevil. And I forgot the tiara on the way out the door, which I continued to moan about to poor Crabby who has to put up with me.

Thank you Crabby for inviting me and thank you Planet Aid for the $15 gown. And thank you B-girlz for not pulling me off the stage with a hook.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Team Queen!
Here's a picture of the Pride and Remembrance Run Team we've assembled. That's Mikevil on the left.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

No Wonder Our Stock Is Going Up
I spent the morning getting seven banker types to use crayons to make movie posters.

Is this job cool or what?
Featured E-mail of the Day
Ice Queen,
We haven't seen you in a while... our records show that you last signed in to Tickle, formerly known as Emode, on February 22, 2001.

Because you haven't signed in or taken a test within the past year, your account has been marked as inactive. If it remains inactive for another 30 days, we'll need to delete it.

Tests Taken

Test Title Result Date Taken
What Breed of Dog Are You? Pug 01/31/01
The Passion Predictor: Snugglebunny 02/07/01
The Ultimate Personality Test: Movie Star 02/22/01
Which "Friend" Are You? Phoebe 03/12/01


SNUGGLEBUNNY?! Movie star I can believe.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

That's Dr. Stewart to you.
An Act of Cod
Boomer has somehow managed to get me invited to create a name and a mandate for his team.

Here I have found a name generator. Here are a few of the cool names I think I may appropriate for other use.

GeoFist
ShirtSmash
LipBag
BurnBaby
HypnoFish
RiverCheese
DarkOompa

I also found this site very useful.

And then I found a mission statement generator.

Man, this facilitating stuff is a breeze. I think I’ll start up my own company. And call it “HypnoFish”! If you knew sushi like I know sushi… oh! Oh! Oh what a gal! Get hooked! Big fish, small pond. Brain food! Bare bones. Good creative is an Act of Cod. I'll just get back to work now......
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Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Cheeky Bum Taster!
Ice Prince Quote Of The Weekend:
“I need the big blanket over me so Leo (our cat) doesn’t taste my bum.”

Saturday we went to the Jazz Festival. Ice Prince got to go on stage and play an instrument while the band played “Spiderman”. Then I couldn’t get him off the stage.
Sunday we went to buy shoes because the boy had huge holes in his sneakers. Ice Prince chose Spiderman sandals. Now he puts on his sandals and dances and sings the Spiderman song.
Monday we went to the zoo with the Crabbies. The best part was seeing the Otter Feeding. They were right in front of us – it was most excellent. Ice Prince would squeal everytime one swam by. "I liked the d'otters best!" Then the Crabbies came over for dinner. Fresh opened up his store of wine. Now I am a wee bit hung over. Bleagh.
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I also had insomnia and got up at 4 am and watched the remake of Sabrina. Why does no one ever try to bribe me to move to Paris?

Friday, May 21, 2004

Boomer Revealed
Boomer refuses to let me publish any real photos of him, claiming they are unflattering (even the ones where I have short blond hair and look so cute!. Yes, it is all about me.)

In the spirit of compromise he has agreed to let me post this reasonable facsimile:
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All Boomer, All Day
So Boomer was just here giving me work (he can't really do that, so he tries to make it sound like something I'd enjoy to muster my enthusiasm.) I have to help his team come up with a name. I suggested "Chips and Dips" from an old Dilbert cartoon. Then I tried using google to find that cartoon. I failed, but took this Quizilla test instead:

ratbert
You are Ratbert.
Your goal is to make people love you, but you only
succeed in making a fool of yourself as you
try. You're the butt of everbody's joke, but
that's ok : you can take it and still be
cheery.


Which Dilbert character are you ?
brought to you by Quizilla
Let Boomer Appreciation Day Begin!

The Naming of Boomer
Before I started my blog, I used to e-mail my strange ramblings to Boomer. I often had a question of the day. The first one was “Where do the TNT men keep their loose change?” and the second one was “Do male kangaroos have pockets?”

During research on male kangaroo, I discovered a young male kangaroo is called a boomer — and a legend was born. He’s been Boomer ever since.

Boomer’s Best Quote
“Half pints? They have half pints? That’s just wrong.”


More later. And I'll see if I can talk him into a photo.....

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Put Your Money Where Your Mouse Is
I have received my first online pledge — from Boomer. Thank you! Excellent timing, considering I have some photos of you that I could post now that I have image ability.

Instead, I hereby declare Friday May 21st as Boomer Appreciation Day in the Fief. Drop by to learn where Boomer got his name and more!

Donate today. You too can be an athletic supporter!
Images in Vogue
Busy today but just had to take Sir Snobby's advice and try Image Shack.

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What do you think? Fast loading? Brilliant lifelike colours?

And hey, do you like the logo? We aim to please here in the Fief.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

For Outlaw
One of the scariest pictures ever of the Ice Queen on her 13th birthday. If this doesn't pour cold water on you, I don't know what will.

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Thanks to Radmila for the image hosting info via Snobby.
Bits and Bites
1. No one has sponsored me in the run yet. However, Sir Snobby has placed a link on his blog to my online donation page. The Queen is pleased and smiles benevolently upon him.
2. The Queen is sorry that her great beauty has driven Outlaw to distraction. If he had seen me with greasy hair and Drew Carey glasses scrubbing the basement toilet last night , he'd probably change his tune. Please keep your worship to a dull roar so as not to creep out our other royal subjects. And me.
3. Keith Richards has signed on to be Captain Jack Sparrow's (Johnny Depp's) dad in the next Pirates movie, savvy? Most excellent.
4. Shrek 2 has gotten amazing reviews and I am therefore taking Ice Prince to see his very first big screen movie, probably next weekend. Wish me luck. My first one was Snow White and it still scares the hell out of me just thinking about it.
5. This is my last weekend (partial) with Fresh before the election starts (Fresh works for an MP, so he'll be busy every waking hour.)It's going to be a long June.
6. Gotta run. I got new software and am laying out a newsletter. Such fun! The fonts! The graphics! The leading! (No sarcasm. I love that stuff.)

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Get Me To The Church On Time
Same sex marriage law causes rush to Massachusetts city halls.

Trivia note: As a wee icicle, the Ice Queen used to (not on purpose)pronounce it Massa-two-shits, much to her parents' amusement.

Monday, May 17, 2004

George Michael Dedicates New Album to Me
“I've never made an official kind of record for big queens, and this is that record, definitely.” — George

Although I'm a little offended that he called me big.
Ahem!
You know, I’ve been getting a lot of sass from the peasants lately. I’m not exactly sure that I am being shown my Queenly reverence and deference.

Therefore I am asking you, my subjects, to write me a song of praise – the new National Anthem for the Icicle Fief. Now, I realize that you are not as talented as I am (or as good looking or as modest), so I provide here the lyrics of an existing Queen Anthem for your use. (Or you could use a Queen song, like Killer Queen, although anyone who attempts to use Fat Bottomed Girls gets exiled. No ifs, ands or butts. I mean buts.)

I await your adoration with bated breath. (If I’d had anchovies last night I would be waiting with baited breath.)

National Anthem

God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen
God save our Queen!

Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious
Long to reign over us,
God save the Queen!

*

O Lord our God arise,
Scatter her enemies,
And make them fall:
Confound their politics;
Frustrate their knavish tricks;
ON thee our hopes we fix; God save us all.

*

Thy choicest gifts in store
ON her be pleased to pour,
Long may she reign!
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause,
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Queen!



Insert Witty Post Title Here

Bad, bad, bad weekend.

Ice Prince got sent to his room at least 7 times yesterday. He was totally mouthing off and laughing at my attempts at discipline. The last time he got sent to his room he fell asleep. Today’s he’s much better, so I hope he learned something. “Make sure the good books and toys are in your room BEFORE you piss Mom off.”

But the weekend was saved at the last minute by the Freddie Mercury tribute on Much More Music. I get goosebumps! This also made me want to do karaoke. Another fundraising idea? Maybe I could win a gift certificate for fundraising and finally by some decent running shoes. Of course, by then, I won’t need the shoes.

I took my bike out for the first time in a year. Sweet glorious freedom! And today at lunch, I run.

I will be setting up a progress chart (or as I like to call it “The Wall of Shame”) to monitor my training progress for the Pride Run. I also thought that if I run out of steam out, Mikevil could pull me in one of those rickshaw things and I could throw condoms branded with the Ice Queen logo. “I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream With Ice Queen Brand Condoms!”

Friday, May 14, 2004

I'm All That And A Bag Of Chips
I am the Master of the Universe!
Magister Mundi sum!
"I am the Master of the Universe!"
You are full of yourself, but you're so cool you
probably deserve to be. Rock on.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
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Thursday, May 13, 2004

More Orange
Aphrodite
Aphrodite/Eros


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Our Team By Any Other Name Would Not Smell As Sweet, Although From the Sound of His Blog, Neither Will Mikevil Once He Starts Running and Sweating
Mikevil has not yet responded on whether we can call our Pride Run Team: Team Queen. The only other name I will consider is The Moe Szyslak Experience featuring The Ice Queen.

Captain Consumer
At lunchtime I walked down to Planet Aid and bought:
Fushia skirt
Fushia top
Pale Pink Top
Pale Pink Suedette Jacket (Retro –from the 60s)
It’s much better than it sounds.

Ice Queen Predicts the Future
On the way down Yonge Street, there was a mad fellow behind me muttering “Fing this and f’ing that. Smash Everything. Smash!” So being the good Torontonian I am, I carefully let him pass, without making him notice that I was trying to avoid him “Hmmm,” thought I, “He seemed kinda violent. It’s a wonder you never hear about people like that attacking someone.”

Two blocks later, the police were handcuffing him, while a young man seemed to be explaining what happened to the police. He looked shaken, but not hurt.

And Because We Have New Readers
A Rerun of one of last summer’s Greatest Ice Queen Hits:

Hot town, summer in the city
Back on Spadina getting dirty and gritty
Flute guy, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around, ducks looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk, slimy like a fish head

But at noon the girls will come
Go out and eat dim sum
"Come on bring that cart o'er here
Chicken feet? Keep going, dear."

And babe, don't you know it's a pity
The shoes only come in size 5
In the summer, on Spadina
In the summer, on Spadina

Cool town, girls in the city
Dressing so fine and looking so pretty
Pokemon and Hello Kitty
Seems they're in every corner of the city
Till I'm wheezing like a bus stop
Running up the stairs, gonna eat and then shop

And babe, don't you know it's a pity
The shoes only come in size 5
In the summer, on Spadina
In the summer, on Spadina

From Snobby, With Love
Yeah, baby, yeah.

Orange
What Color is Your Brain?

brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

True. So true.
I don't know if any of you have been reading Dooce, but she just had a baby a couple of months ago.

Her posts are amazing. And despite the fact that I feel the same way, it's good to know I'm not alone. (Although I am back at work now, it doesn't get much better. I just can't hear the screaming from here. Which is nice.)

Check her out and discover the dark recesses of the Ice Queen's mind.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Sun Comes Up It’s Tuesday Morning
Coffee break with the Ice Queen
Tried Spray On Pantyhose at Shoppers Drug Mart. Sprayed a spot on my shin. It looks like I have a bruise.

And I Ran…Ran So Far Away...Couldn’t Get Away
So today I begin my training for the Pride and Remembrance Run. We’ll see how far I can go by June 26th.

I figure if I run 2 km four times a week, by June 26th…..I’ll be in Guelph.

I think I should have a Meet the Ice Queen and Give Her a Pledge drinking night before that. Who’s in?

I shall be running in my tiara. For extravagant donations, I will accept other suggestions for my running costume. Not sure the red cross eye patch is a good idea…. I already have someone offer to donate their medal from a previous run, so that’s good.

Boomer has been appointed official Photographer to the Queen. Other Royal Staff are welcome to apply for positions such as Water Boy, Purse Holder, Makeup Touch Ups, etc…..

Such fun! What next? Oh yes, I’ll need a running soundtrack. Suggestions welcome.

Monday, May 10, 2004

A Meme from Snobby
"Invent a memory of me and post it in the comments. It can be anything you want, so long as it's something that's never happened. Then post this in your journal so that people can invent memories for you."

And Then I Put on the Nurse Uniform….

How’d I do on my Mother’s Day Wish List? Let’s see:
1. The book Three Martini Playdate (no, but I started reading The Stonecarvers)
2. Lingerie, nylons and other flimsies (no, it was BYOflimsies)
3. Wine. (yep!)
4. Take in food (no, but Fresh cooked pasta with scallops)
5. A long bath that doesn't involve ducks or boats. (done!)
6. Tulips or any flowers but carnations (yes)
7. No tantrums (not too bad…)
8. Sunshine (some)
9. Any Bloom County books I don't already own (nope)
10. Bagels (yes!)

Ice Prince was not happy about Mother’s Day at first: “I don’t want it to be Mother’s Day. I want Mommy to make me pancakes!” But eventually he got into it. He made me wear the "Mother's Day Princess" outfit which consisted of a headband with bouncing antennae and a pink lei.

And Fresh rented a movie I wanted to see: Kill Bill Vol. 1. Not bad. I give it full bonus marks for using Zamfir on the soundtrack who, I believe, is totally underrated.

Nothing says; “You’re a great mom” like watching people get their limbs and heads chopped off.

Friday, May 07, 2004

A Woman of Mystery
If you haven’t been over to Crabby’s Place and wandered around, you may not have seen this picture of me. It’s your Friday present from Crabby. Enjoy.

Bbbbrrrrrrrrrappppppttttttpppptttt!
I wore a leather skirt to work for the first time in ages and I make rude noises with it every time I shift in my chair.
Ice Queen's Most Excellent Question of the Day

So I was watching a Shrek 2 commercial last night, when I turned to look at my cat. "If he were in a movie,"I thought, I wonder who would do his voice?"

So there is your challenge for the day. Think about your pet's personality and what would his voice sound like? Tell me who would play him and/or her and why.

My cats:
Leo will be played by Denzel Washington. Handsome, black, suave. Rrrrroooowwwrrr!
Mel will be played by Estelle Getty as on Golden Girls. Old and grumpy, but still somehow lovable (just.)

Thursday, May 06, 2004

It's MY day, dammit!
Mother's Day is a very important occassion to me because I have earned it.

Boy, have I earned it.

What do I want for Mother's Day? Thank you, dear reader, for inquiring.
1. The book Three Martini Playdate
2. Lingerie, nylons and other flimsies
3. Wine.
4. Take in food
5. A long bath that doesn't involve ducks or boats.
6. Tulips or any flowers but carnations
7. No tantrums
8. Sunshine
9. Any Bloom County books I don't already own
10. Bagels



Quit Bitching and Eat the Smoothie
So Friends is ending tonight. Fresh is out, so I’m going to watch it. (Fresh doesn’t appreciate the less edifying aspects of life, and yet he enjoys Chris Farley crashing through tables. But I digress.)

I find the finale sad, because I too had a close circle of friends and we’ve all gone our separate ways. Sure, Sister Staceypatrick actually works at the same company as me (I can’t seem to shake her), but everyone else has gone. One got married last fall (not to Sister Stace as had been the plan back then) and e-mailed me the photo. Two moved to Vancouver and still appear to be working in retail. One went off to become a minister and seems to have lost his faith. Now he won’t return my e-mails. Maybe I remind him of things he’d rather not remember? It’s sad. Hell, I’ll e-mail him this url again and see if he responds. And then the inevitable sexual tension, which was never acted upon (okay once, but I won’t mention names here.)

In fact Sister Staceypatrick wrote the precursor to Friends. It was called Roomies and it was written in my dorm room on a typewriter in 1987. Sweetie, I think you should sue. I still have the manuscript….

As I get older, I find it harder to make new friends. But I did find Crabby and Mr. Crab, so I am grateful for that. And who knows? I may meet some of my Toronto readers someday and start up a friendship (Or maybe a dating service…I seem to be gathering readers of a certain gender and persuasion, was it something I said? If so, I'll say it again!)

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

How rude of me. Let’s do some introductions.
We’ve got a lot of new readers, so I thought I would introduce some of the common characters who appear here in the Icicle Fief. The Royal Court, as it were.

Cast of Characters:
Fresh: The Ice Queen’s consort. He is the yin to my yang, the chocolate in my peanut butter, the wind beneath my wings. His hobbies include reading The Globe and Mail, desserts and listening to the CBC.
The Ice Prince, Age 3 ¼: Son of Ice Queen and Fresh. Hobbies include showing his belly, singing on the bus and flushing things down the toilet.
Crabby: Classy broad, grammarian, sometime poet, sometime blogger, great cook. Plus we’re the same shoe size, bonus! Ice Prince loves her:“But she’s not my girlfriend. Ellen is.”
Mr. Crabby: Crabby’s husband. I prefer to call him Mr. Crab because it reminds me of Mr. Krabs in Spongebob Squarepants.
Sister Staceypatrick: Thespian, fellow Bank employee, Ice Queen’s oldest friend from university. Enjoys long walks along the Beach and saying “Bite me!”
Father Patrick O’ Stacey: Sister’s husband
Boomer: Works in same department as Ice Queen and keeps her sane by encouraging her insanity. Enjoys brunch, beer and cute wait staff, not necessarily in that order.
Beco:Used to work with the Ice Queen, now works on the floor below. Moving to Oakville momentarily where the 2.3 children will soon follow. The Queen sends her condolences.

Those are the people I know in real life. I expect to probably meet Mikevil one of these days, since we do work for the same behemoth.

If anyone would like to be added to the Cast of Characters, let me know and send a description.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Let Them Drink Squishies!
The peasants are revolting at being unable to meet my exacting standards for pop culture knowledge.

Fine.

I will give you bonus points for answering the following questions.
1. Who is your favourite Simpsons character?
2. What is your favourite Simpsons quote?
3. What is your favourite Simpsons episode?
4. Who on the Simpsons would be your dream date?
There But For The Grace Of God Go I

I was doing exactly this with the Ice Prince last Thursday.

Anyone got any bail?
The Ice Prince Answers Your Questions
1)What do you want to be when you grow up? ”Teacher! And drive a bus to school.”
2)It's almost summer: What are you going to do this summer? “After summer I get to go to the big kid school.”
3)Do you prefer popsicles or ice cream cones? “Popsicles! Can we have Popsicles? Pleeeeeeeease?” (Thanks a lot, Eva.)

1)What is your favourite song? “ABCD”
2)What is mommy doing while you are at daycare? “She goes on the computer. She reads stories.” (The answer a couple of weeks ago was “She dances for videos.”)
3)How old is mommy? (I'm expecting something good here..) “Four.”

1. What is your favorite cartoon show or character? “Dora.” (That’s Dora The Explorer)
2. What is your favorite thing to play with or about outside? “My wagon”
3. What is your favorite jungle animal? “Cow.”

Monday, May 03, 2004

A Picasso or a Garfunkel

Friday, Crabby came over (Father P O’S had to cancel.) We ate and drank and Ice Prince answered Snobby’s questions:
How old are you?
(IP holds up three fingers)
What’s your favourite thing to do?
(IP pulls up his shirt and shows us his belly. Crabby and I break up laughing.)
What’s your favourite food?
“Rice!”

I will ask Ice Prince your other questions tonight.

Saturday Ice Prince reluctantly got a hair cut. “My head fell off, “ he reported to his Nana afterwards. We had lamb burgers for dinner (“Liiiiiissssaaa…why do you haaaaaaate me?” If you don’t know the reference, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog. If you know where this post title came, you may stay for now. I’m not afraid to give homework if anyone needs to catch up.)

Sunday Fresh and I become Patrons of the Arts. We bought a painting at the Beaches Studio Tour for over our fireplace. It’s sort of an abstracty landscape. Very vibrant. If you ever become famous, I’ll invite you over and show it to you. Bring wine.