Friday, November 28, 2003

Tomorrow is a big day.

Tomorrow, The Ice Prince Meets Santa Claus.

No, it’s not a B-Movie from the 50s; it’s my life. How about that semi-colon, eh? Just threw that casually in there, like I use ‘em all the time. Anyhow…

Tomorrow, Ice Prince and I are going to the Eaton’s Centre (where there is no Eaton’s, ironically). We will walk by Santa and wave. We’ll watch other kids sit on his knee. And if Ice Prince would like to, he can go sit on Santa’s knee too.

And I will try very hard not to spend too much in Tristan and Iseult, one of my new favourite stores and also the topic of one of my favourite poems (by George Bowering, I think).
Want a Hawaiian Punch?
Sugarmama was talking about disgusting jello desserts on her blog today which reminded me of one of my favourite ad tag lines ever:

“Hey you kids, get out of that jello tree!”

That always cracks me up. Other ad sayings that have the same effect include:
“Snausages!”
“Give me bacon! Where’s the bacon? Oh my god, I can’t read!” Commercial where dog is watching groceries being unloaded.

It’s Buy Nothing Day. Ah, who am I kidding…
Some google searchers have been finding this site by asking “What does the Queen get for Christmas?” An excellent question.
The only thing I always get for Christmas is Smarties (from my parents) and a Kinder Egg (from Fresh).

What does the Queen want for Christmas? That’s an even better question! Dust off your knee, Santa, and get ready to take notes:

A Vespa
A Kitchen Aid standing mixer
Anything from Kitchen Stuff or other houseware stores
Spa gift certificate(s)
Vases
Candles (unscented) and candle holders
Hot Rollers. Maybe the kind that mist.
IKEA (the whole store, except things made with chipboard)
Tablecloths, napkins, placemats
Nanny
Hair doodads (clips, barrettes, ponytail holders)
Anything that makes me laugh
Big cushions
Rice Steamer
Shed (wooden with a window with shutters and a window box)
Year’s supply of black and hint o’ black 10 denier nylons
Calendar. (no kittens or puppies, please)
And all the children of the world to join hands together in peace and harmony.







Wednesday, November 26, 2003

God Save The Queer
I love watching Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, and it's been on twice in a row so far this week. Usually it's only Sundays at 8pm. Anyhow...I'm addicted. If you don't know what this is...(IQ shakes her head sadly).

I love the quotes from Carson:
"I used to have hair just like yours. Of course, my name was Louise and I lived in Germany."

"Shopping is my cardio."

"Repeat after me...I am worthy of couture!"

Carson - "Where do you find shirts like this?"
John B. - "K-Mart."
Carson - *Gasps* "Don't use that kind of language in front of me!"

“Spa treatments are expensive, but you know what's more expensive? Divorce.”

Even Quizilla has gotten in on the QEFTSG craze:

What Fab 5 member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy are you?(with pics)
Ted Allen
You are so a TED Allen: The Food and Wine
Connoisseur, Go work in that kitchen, boo ya!

And I promise to a certain someone that I didn't cheat on this one:
> Which Member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is your type?
thom
Thom: Design Doctor




Wanna be a fan? You'll need the Queer Eye Drinking Game.
I guess football legend Elton John was busy

Our nearby hospital recently had a big anniversary celebration. "On hand was arcade wizard Pinball Clemons," an article in out local paper stated.
Too Much Information

A co-worker of mine (not Boomer or Beco) has started up his own business in addition to his day job as a banker. Check this out if you need a unique gift for your boss, father-in-law or accountant. (Note: Not particularly work-safe. May offend librarians, shut-ins and members of the PTA.)

I was happy to see that said co-worker is not involved in modelling the product. As far as I can tell.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Lost and Found
Not only did they still have my dry cleaning from 5 weeks ago, they found two skirts I had taken in LAST October. Nice ones too!

Now if someone could only find me a pair of comfy high heeled boots that would fit around my calves.......

Monday, November 24, 2003

They Like Me! They Really Like Me!
So today was my first day back at work in more than 5 weeks. The Senior Vice President phoned me up and told me how nice it was that I was back and that they'd missed me.

Weapon of Choice
Whip. I'd really like to be a good whip handler. Feminine but powerful. Easy to pack. Doesn't sent off alarms. Sexy. Doesn't need refills. Self-retrieving.

Weapon of Choice
A Damn Fine® music video.

Seen and Heard
Sign on door to mall (scratched out letters replaced by stars in this post):
*ho*s and shi*t required

In the Fabricland at Lunch:
Lady 1: How did you remember I had that tabelcloth?
Lady 2: Isn't it amazing? I have a photogenic memory.

Worse Than Opening Up Some Bags the Daycare Sent Home with Spoiled Undies and Clothes From Ice Prince's Training Accidents
Finding some other kid's soiled clothes and undies.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Och, ha'e ye time for a wee chin wag?

So I've been enjoying reading Vitamin Q. I found a post where he lists "Things which, if you sit with a group of friends in a bar for long enough, you will, eventually discuss." I figure we're all friends here so draw a pint or pull a cork and I'll save you the trouble:

1 your middle names
Elizabeth
2 first crush on a famous person
Jimmy Baio. Yup, not Scott Baio, but his C List cousin. He was on "Soap". A google search reveals no teenage photos of him, even though he was in Tiger Beat every issue for a while.
3 embarrassing vomit stories
Freshman year: getting up repeatedly to throw up while a certain someone named Sister Staceypatrick was trying to get physical in the next bed in my dorm room.
4 relationships with your siblings
No siblings.
5 sweets, toys and TV from the past
Oh, I discussed these on the blog before. See archives.
6 childhood nicknames
Devil Dick. My son also gets called this by my Mom. Fresh thought it sound rude, but I think it's just an old Scottish Expression.
7 the one drink you can't drink anymore
Eggnog (from a Brandy and Eggnog experience on my 19th birthday.)
8 first record bought
I remember receiving Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell. The first record I remember buying was some Billy Joel 45. (Chip, if you're reading, those were small records with one song on each side.)
9 your parent's first names
Peter and Nancy
10 'unbelievable' coincidences
Can't think of any right now.
11 loss of virginity particulars
Boring! No, really. Although it would have happened earlier if Sister Staceypatrick hadn't come back early from pub one fateful night. I remember flipping the lock shut from inside every time she opened it in order to give my young man a chance to dress. She just though she couldn't open it 'cause she was really drunk.
12 prizes or competitions you have won
I wrote a whole blog post on this. Most recently was the trip to Niagara on the Lake.
13 paranormal experiences
Regular readers will know that my dear departed Nana communicates with me and protects me in mysterious ways.

It occurs to me that most of my stories involve Sister Staceypatrick and drink. Draw your own conclusions.

Feeling tipsy? Feel free to divulge.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Ain't it the truth? (Link will probably only work today, because the content changes daily..)

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Updates
The Six Million Dollar Testosterone Furball does NOT have another urinary infection. He got bit on the neck by another cat in a fight and now he's infected. Men!

My boss phoned me up to tell me that I still didn't sound better and was I sure I was ready to come back to work? Shouldn't I rest more? Ask my doctor again, she urged. Uh, Boomer, is she trying to get rid of me or does she really care? Please tell me the office is falling apart without me (or under control falling apart, Everything is just managing to get done until my triumphant return. Tell me that. Or at least deadly dull.)

In other news, my holiday party invitations are rolling in. Party Girl is back! I love it! Cooking, outfits, shopping, drinking...it's all good!
Office Space: One of My Favourite Movies of All Time

Pre-Hyptnotized Peter


What Office Space character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla and Kandy's Dish, for which I am too freakin' lazy to go find the link right now. Sister Stace has it on her link list.

If you haven't seen it and you work in a office, you MUST rent it. Or better yet, buy it. Go now to the video store. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. I think I'll rent it again today. It should be a good orientation for returning to the office on Monday.
Shhhhhh...don't tell me mum

I have inquired into THIS.

No, seriously I have. I'll let you know what response I get and if I follow through, which I just may. No, really.

I'm thinking rib cage. Somewhere that can't be seen in a sun dress, but if I'm wearing a shirt at a party, I can show it without anyone requiring a cold shower. (Although I do have a lovely rib cage.....)
Our Babysitter, The ECE Student

In my e-mail: Ice Prince is fine, although he thinks he's a dog. "A black dog! Rrrwoof! Pant, pant!"

In her reply e-mail: It's great to hear he's exploring dramatic play. It's so integral to a child's learning as it helps them represent their world around them in a manageable way.

Isn't she great? And she brings him costumes and playdough and books when she comes. I love her!

Prospective Bad Day
Six Million Dollar Cat© is going to the vet this morning. I thought he had last year's infection because he became so listless last night, but when I went to scritch him under the chin this morning, there was a big lump. Oooooohhhhhhh......

Please send your prayers to Saint Francis of Assisi or the pagan god of your choice. Bastet, maybe.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Fine. Be that way.

Comments have been sporadic lately. The hell with that.

Comments have been changed to Haloscan. Let's see if that works any better.
I suddenly feel much better! I know, I have to take it easy for a while and learn to delegate. But it's so hard! I love to do stuff.

Things to Do With My Newfound Energy
Have friends over for dinner.
Go out for dinner.
Cook things in my newly assembled recipe book
Get a set of nails put on for the holiday season.
Buy tops. (Skirts at Value Village are great but second hand tops are grody-rific)
Buy slipcover at IKEA and Ice Prince's Christmas present - an easel.
Make Christmas presents for friends and family
Make outdoor Christmas decorations using ice and berries (from 2001 Food and Drink Holiday issue)
Make drinks using ice and berries (Ibid.) Don't confuse the two.


Resolutions to Keep me Healthy
Split pick up and drop off Ice Prince duties with Fresh.
Eat more fruit.
Do laundry regularly, not every two weeks.
Pre-cook meals (eg pastitsio, lasagna)
Dress warmly (did I mention my adorable new coat? I got an adorable matching hat. Boomer....we need pictures!)
Start running. Slooooooooooooowly.
Don't stay up to watch the Daily Show With Jon Stewart. Hmmm...try taping?
Learn to tape things on VCR.

Playing in my Head:Smooth Criminal covered by Alien Ant Farm. Good stuff! Go download it, Beco. You'll like it.

Hey, if you had your own psycho-wacko theme park(à la Neverland), what would you have it it? I have to think....but there would defintely be Meerkats (properly cared for by a Meerkat specialist of course.) and otters. A wave pool and water slide. Tilt-O-Whirl and Scrambler. Carnival games. Wooden roller coaster. Concert venue. Ice Cream Waffle vendor. Tiny Tom donuts. Go Karts. Place where you can dress up in funny clothes and get your picture taken. Old-fashioned fireworks at night. A electric water parade. These neon stick that glow when you crack em in half. Bumper boats. Log flume ride. Oh, and of course a musical extravaganza "Tribute to the Ice Queen".



Present idea #1
This Santa t-shirt made me laugh.
Visit to Dr. Hibbert

So the night before I went to see Dr. H, I watched the Simpsons episode where Dr. Hibbert teaches "How to Strip For Your Wife" at night school. "This is not a chuckling matter."

Anyhow, I can go back to work on Monday, even though I am still very tired. I am hoping that the pre-Christmas frenzy of work has already been assigned and I will merely get to coast until Christmas. And what of the Christmas Party? How have them managed without Party Girl?

All will be revealed on Monday.

I had a dream that my dry cleaner gave away all the clothes that I took in 6 weeks ago. Mind you I also dreamt that Crabby hired me to look after the fish pond in her McDonalds/car dealership.


Monday, November 17, 2003

The Ice Bore

Yeah, I haven't blogged in a while. Not much new.

Read six books. Napped. Put all my recipes in a binder (my New Year's Resolution). Napped. Got some art supplies. Napped. Downloaded Christmas music. Napped.

That's about it for my exciting life. Got my follow-up appointment with Dr. Hibbert tomorrow to see if I'm ready to go back to work soon.

Good luck to Crabby on getting her tattoos removed today! Virtual Tapioca for you!


Saturday, November 08, 2003

"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Kodos": The Ice Queen's Election Special

A piece on the ol' blamblog has inspired a new tune. Brett ponders: If Miller looks like a mayor and thinks like a mayor, does he smell like a mayor? The Icicle Fief went straight to the Ouija Board to ask the world's foremost expert, Kurt Cobain:

Smells like David Miller

Load up on Pez and
Bring your friends
No fun to lose
I won’t pretend
I don’t just run
To pay the rent
Got to go meet
Some constituents

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Must admit I’ve got great hair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Though Babs thinks it unfair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
They’ve been hintin’
I’m like Clinton
Eating Cheetos
In my speedo
Yeah

Babs got worse, failed the test
And for this gift I feel blessed
She’s pretty cute though, she’s no hag
She vaguely looks like me in drag

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

Only ran on a dare
Here I am now
I am your mayor
Look sincere, like I care
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Don’t like jets
Don’t incinerate
Reduce murder
Have some burgers
Yeah!

And why am I
So squeaky clean?
Use Irish Spring
And some Brylcreem
It was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello, hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello
Not like Thatcher, more like Blair
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Did I mention, my great hair?
Here I am now
I’m your mayor
Tom is E.T.
John is needy
Babs is biding
Tory’s bribing
Yeah, a denial
A denial
A denial...


Go on out and vote for the candidate of your choice. And don't forget to take your Pez.

(This post was in no way paid for by the Campaign to elect David Miller. Unfortunately. But if the campaign would like to send along some money retroactivately, that'd be grand. Thanks.)


Friday, November 07, 2003

Oh, and I finally added Radmila to my blog links! Welcome!
"What do you get when you kiss a girl?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After that, she'll never phone ya
I'll never fall in love again."


Not much new Chez Couch. I went out on...Tuesday? I went to Value Village and bought a winter coat (mine's at work. Don't ask. I store all my clothes at work. Sometimes I leave them at parties. Sometimes I take them to drycleaners and forget about them. Sometimes I lend them to friends and forget about them.) Anyhow, it's a very cool coat. You must see it. Or I must convince Boomer to get his new web thing up and running so I can post a picture. Plus, I need a new hat (the fall hat does not match the winter coat, more's the pity.)

Only problem with going out is that the next day, I sleep all day. like 8 am - 3 pm.

Got paid today, then paid all my bills online and now have no money. What a rip.

Finished The Corrections. Bloody waste of time. I am now reading Timothy Findley's The Piano Man's Daughter, which is pretty good so far. I loved his Famous Last Words and Not Wanted on the Voyage.

Oh, and work sent me flowers! Isn't that just so sweet? I know I've been away a long time, when I don't recognize all the names on the card. (Boomer: it took me a full hour to figure out who D.B. is. Don't tell him, he'll be insulted. Or pleased with himself.)


Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Bad Metaphors? That Reminds Me to Work on My Poetry
I bought some books to keep me from digging a moat around the house. (Anyone remember that episode of Family Ties?)

On Sunday, I read Adrian Mole: The Capuccino Years. The hero is in his 30s, his son is about to turn 3, and someone dies of pneumonia. Now I don't have to write my autobiography.

Yesterday I began Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. National Book Award Winner. Bestselling. Oprah's choice (although Franzen was the frood who refused to have Oprah stickers on his books.) It has some of the absolute worst metaphors I have ever read. I must tell you some. They're awful!

"Her open eye was like nearly black balsamic vinegar beading on white china."

"To Chip, the air felt disagreeably intimate, like a warm spot in a swimming pool." (And then there's the issue of his characters' names.)

"But from her underpants -- an affectionate warm rabbit came springing." (God, I hope that's a metaphor.)

"Like a toothbrush in a toilet bowl, like a dead cricket in a salad, like a diaper on the dinner table, this sickening connundrum confronted Enid." (And displeasing also is the syntax of that sentence.)

I'm not much enjoying the book, but I must keep reading to find more of these horrendous nuggets!

Hey, we haven't had an interactive session for a while. Today's task: Find or compose a super-bad metaphor.

In other news, since I am stuck here, I am thinking of submitting the Glencoe poem to the CBC Literary Awards. I'm going to go read the rules now.