Tuesday, September 30, 2003
I have an ear infection. How embarassing. Rare in adults with different symptoms - mainly excruciating pain when you move your head.
"Should clear up in three or four days. Ten at the most. Drink Gatorade and try to move slowly, if at all."
Got a doctor's note for work and Mom and Dad are on their way down to baby me.
Being off work isn't much fun when you can't move your head.
Me, shivering with fever chills.
Ice Prince: You scared, Mommy?
me: No, I'm sick.
I.P.: You're sick?
I.P.: I'll take care of you when you're sick, because you take care of me when I'm scared.
I have the best kid. And the worst health. Another kidney infection and prescribed another anitobiotic I've had an allergic reaction to. Phhhpt.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Ice Queen's Day
3:30 am: “Meow?”
3:40 am “Meow!”
3:45 am: Scratching at Ice Prince’s door.
3:46 am Find house coat go downstairs. Cat follows.
3:47-3:52 am I hold door open while cat decides if he really wants to go out
3:53 am – 3:57 am Chase cat, swearing.
3:58 am Throw cat out door.
3:59 am Back to bed.
5:30 am “Mommy?”
5:40 am “Mommy?”
5:45 am “Go downstairs, Mommy?”
6:00 am Go get Ice Prince. “Hurrah! It’s Mommy!”
6:00 – 6:15 am Turn on dishwasher. Argue with I.P, about what breakfast consists of
6:20 – 6:30 am Have heated discussion about why Ice Prince’s favourite bowl is currently being washed in the dishwasher.
6:31 am Pull Ice Prince’s bowl out of dishwasher. Burn self. Rinse dish. Arrange crackers, Craisins and peanuts on dish.
6:33 am Try to explain to I.P. why he can’t carry the breakable dish downstairs while wearing high heels and a hard hat.
6:34 am Let I.P. have dish.
6:35 am I.P. Decides I should carry the dish.
I managed items 4,5,6,7 and 9 from my list below. Not bad. And Ice Prince spilled more water and tried to throw away another tea towel.
Get Back , Honky Cat!
So Dad’s a big Harley fan and as such, my mom knows a fair bit about the world o’bikes.
She says to me “You’ll never believe who they got for the Harley Davidson 125th (or whatever) anniversary concert.” She sounded a bit incredulous, so I’m thinking – music bikers like, but maybe not quite as spectacular as H-D could probably afford.
“Neil Young,” I say.
“Good guess, “ she says laughing, “But no. They got Elton John.”
Can you believe it? Elton in his pink spangles singing to bikers? (Mom confirms there were pink spangles in the clip she saw).
Candle in the Wind?
Crocodile Rock? “La-la-la-la-la-la”
More later. Boss wants stuff. In the meantime visit the lovely Radmila, to whom I will link as soon as I get to it.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
I have not been sleeping well. I woke up at 3 am and managed to stay in bed until 4:30, at which point I got up, did laundry, put away dishes, took out recycling and watched some Martha Stewart. After watching Martha, I am now resolved to get my domestic act together, starting tonight, which will include:
- Buy mums for my front garden
- Make roasted tomato soup with parmesan wafers
- Wash disgusting kitchen floor
- Do laundry
- Take out whatever fruit or vegetable item died in my kitchen last night
- Iron stuff
- Wash hair
- Collapse in exhausted heap.
I need a personal assistant. Like Charlie on West Wing.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Sigh. It’s not up to my demanding standards, but I promised you a song, so here it is:
Here's my story, it's sad but true
It's about a girl that I once knew
She took my document and then
She marked it up with her red pen
Ah, I should have known it from the very start
This girl would fix my dangling part-iciple
If semi-colons are making you blue
Take your stuff to Editor Sue
She’s a thesaurus and a spell check too
Although she types like a dazed baboon
So if you don't wanna cry like I do
Don’t ask for help from Editor Sue
Ah, she likes to tighten your prose
Her copy cuts will curl your toes
Now people let me put you wise
Sue’ll cross your t’s and dot your I’s
Here's the moral in the story from the guy who kens
My 50 pager is now down to 10
She took out all my clip art too, I tell ya
Keep away from Editor Sue
Friday, September 19, 2003
Well, docked over at sugarmama’s port this morning and blow me down if she don't have a post that knocked the wind outta me sails. Go check. Now, I don’t like to think there be termites in me stern, but it were a bit much, if you ask me.
So the Good Ship Icicle be smack dab in the middle of old Isabel. I put on me new pirates boot, but arrggghhh if they aren't lookin' like drag queen boots. But I be wearing ‘em with attitude and I’ll be sinkin' the scurvy bastard who speak ill of ‘em.
Gotta go grab some grub and grog. Don't just sit there polishing yer mast, Talk Like a Pirate!.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
I noticed from my stats that someone from the Teacher's Internet of London and District has visited the Fief. This means that either
1. My father or
2. My Grade 10 Geography teacher (blambdad)
now knows about my inner slut.
Luckily, being a shameless drunk, as Crabby has pointed out, I shouldn't be bothered.
Oh dear, now they'll know I'm a shameless drunk too.
I’m wearing pants today and Boomer refuses to dress up as a giant bird for me.
Life can be so trying sometimes.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Forgot to tell you, I got goosed by a blind guy today.
I took Ice Prince for a check-up this morning. In the subway station, he had a fit for some unknown reason. I was bending over to coax him into following me when the white cane went up my skirt.
Then I turned around and saw he's a guy I recognize from my company. "Oh no!," thought I, "He'll recognize me and I'll be so embarassed."
Uncie Herb lent me a tape of Queer as Folk last night. It's highly addictive. This episode "featured" (according to the credits, way to go, agent!) my Dear Friend Dave®. I got see see Dave in a way I..errrr...haven't seen him before. And no not naked. I've seen that, sort of. My, my.
Basically, his character was very much like the DFD I know and love. But as good as he looked, he's much better looking in person.
What did I learn from this episode?
1. I want to pole dance.
2. I wish someone would dare me sometimes. I miss that.
3. I want to make a black shirt with duct tape on it.
4. I don't have brunch enough.
5. I miss DFD. He always makes me smile!
6. I better write some poems before I see DFD again or I'll be in for a tongue lashing. Purely metaphorical, Uncie Herb. You wish.
7. I need to find out want time this show is on regularly.
8. I need to work out more.
9. Always have $5000 available or a kindly drug dealer.
10. It' s good to be King. Or Queen.
Thanks, Uncie Herb.
Monday, September 15, 2003
Potato Chip The Beautiful!
O beautiful for sour cream,
for ketchup and for plain,
For fully dressed, those are the best
Or something in that vein
Potato chip! Potato chip!
God shed His grace on thee,
And make thy hue a barbeque
Not pee or ghee or brie!
O beautiful for crispiness
I love to crunch and nip
Although your calories persist
Across my spreading hips.
Potato chip! Potato chip!
God mend thine ev'ry flaw,
Confirm my soul in self-control,
To keep you from my jaw.
O beautiful those Taro ones
And orange ones made from yams
The purple ones: their prices stun
But I don’t give a damn
Potato chip! Potato chip!
May God thy fat refine
Thy tastiness be ever bliss
And ev'ry chip be mine.
So if anyone's been over to Davezilla lately, you'll know that September 19th is Talk Like a Pirate Day. And you can bet your booty that we at the Icicle Fief will be celebrating this in full sail. So bone up (ah, remember when Chip would've commented on that?) on your pirate lingo. And while you're at it, here's you Monday Quiz:
You are The Cabin Boy
You, me lad, are an activist! You will not only change the world, you will make a dyed-in-the-wool Pirate dream of you in a sheep costume. You are the embodiment of the love that dare not hoist its sail! Ahoy thar! You could make a two-patch Pirate turn his head - but then he would lose sleep over it and what good would that do anyone? An innovator, you are WAY ahead of your time - and everyone else's. You are sensitive and artsy-fartsy. You say things like, "artsy-fartsy" but there is always a slight giggle in your voice when you say it - like Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares delivering a staggering punch line. Speaking of "punching" the only "punching" you would do is punching up that outfit with some accessories - say, a little bandana and some glass beads. You're not the Pirate we want in a fight, but we want you there for the crying game that follows! You go, girl.
What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!
Friday, September 12, 2003
I was looking for an eye quote to use for the title for my Mom's Songs of the Eye cd, and I found this lovely gem. Enjoy!
“Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at, and I sigh.”
William Butler Yeats (1865-1939) Irish dramatist, poet.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
Congratulations! You’ve been selected to go on Canadian Idol.
We just need you to answer a few questions.
1. Ballad you’re going to sing
2. Rock/upbeat song you’re going to sing
3. What you’re going to wear
4. What Canadian star (*cough*) you’d like to have introduce you
Skill Testing Question
We have had some non-Canadians try to apply. Please use the names of five IKEA products in a poem to prove your citizenship.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
We’ve got the babysitter booked for Saturday and guess where we’re going: IKEA! Yes! I’m so excited! And the clincher is, Fresh is buying! His role is saving for major purchases. Like I have the willpower for that.
We need a new rec (wreck, really) room couch. Ice Prince was doing gymnastics on ours and he slid down a wire that was sticking out of it, earning a nice scratch down his leg. Plus it smells pretty bad (milk and other liquids from I.P.).
I have my eye on a blue L-shaped sofa that coverts into a bed chesterfield. We don’t really need the bed part, but what the heck. Could come in handy.
The IKEA catalogue is like pornography. No, it is pornography.
The CD for The Ice Queen Mum Project
My Mom is having a cataract operation today. Because we both have a warped sense of humour, I want to make her a CD of “eye” music. Here are my ideas. Please add any you can think of:
These Eyes – Burton Cummings
Doctor My Eyes - who did that?
Ise the Bye (trad. Newfie)
Blue Eyes – Elton John
Brown Eyed Girl – you know who!
Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel
Busy today, so a quick hello and hopefully more posting later.
Saw a needle for the first time in the alley where Ice Prince/Captain Underpants and I walk from the subway to the daycare. I was strangely unconcerned. And that's the part that bothered me. Why should this be normal?
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
I'm here at home with Captain Underpants (aka Ice Prince.) He keeps insisting on listening to Spongebob Squarepants on my computer (although he doesn't much like the show.) I have to go into work tonight to finish something I was supposed to do today. Ugh.
This basement smells funny, all we have to eat are crackers and I have no money on me. We'll have to make an attempt to go out at some point.
I've made some changes to my links.
Anyhow, gotta run. The Captain's bolted upstairs to do some evil.
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Friday, September 05, 2003
Anyhow, sugarmama is writing haikus about bloggers, but has not yet written about me, despite the offer of a large sum in Canadian Tire money. So I've started my own blogger haiku:
Crabby’s a lady
Her shoes are too small for her
Damn you, shoes! Damn you!
Sister has a cat
And another cat and look!
There is one more cat.
Boomer's a lurker
Grr grr grr I'm mad at him
or maybe I'm not
Thursday, September 04, 2003
I feel guilty I haven't blogged today. Here's a Golden Oldie from the Ice Queen circa 1999:
Due to increasing product liability litigation, red wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all red wine bottles.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think "These aren't my shoes!"
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in speaking in Scottish brogue.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cure your leukemia.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to pull potted plants out of public urns.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up to the smell of stale cumin.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may result in gators in your bra.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may bring out your alter ego: Funky Fresh.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to switch shoes with friends.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to invite your friends' neighbour over to your impromptu 80's party.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to put on Come On Eileen again. And again. And again.
Feel free to contribute.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Me: My brochure here says I have to bring a medical record from my family doctor to my pre-op appointment.
Dr. Hibbert's New Receptionist: They give you a form.
Me: How can I take the form to my pre-op appointment if they don’t give it to me until I go to the appointment?
Her: Can you hold?
Her: They give you a form.
Her: Pre-Op. And then Doctor Hibbert fills it out.
Me: Then who do I give it to?
Her: Dr. Hibbert.
Me: No, I mean after Dr. Hibbert fills it out.
Her: You take it to your pre-op appointment.
Me: But I’ll already have been to the pre-op appointment. That’s where the form is coming from.
Her: Oh. Well then just bring it on the day of the surgery. It's that's not right, we'll figure it out.
Mary had a little lamb – risotto on the side.
Okay, lots to do today, but first, the news:
1. I’m getting my tubes tied on October 8th. (and no, Boomer, don’t come over to my desk and ask about it. It is elective surgery, so I’m being vague about it. Maybe I’ll get more sympathy that way.) I get three days off. Well, two, I guess. The first day I’m in the hospital. Crabby, do I still get mangoes? When asked if he wanted anymore siblings, Ice Prince screamed: “GIVE ME PEANUTS NOW!” Which only strengthened my resolve.
2. Went to Goodwill yesterday and got the bitchinest boots. Really. I’m soooo excited. No, Sis, they aren’t go-go boots. Oh! I love ‘em.
3. My new brilliant idea is to make books with one padded cover to use as a mouse pad. While you’re waiting for soething tedious to process, download or print you can read your book. Great, eh?
4. I remembered that I used to think the words to “When Smokey Sings” (from 1987) were:
“When smoke descends, I hear firemen.”
Must visit today, if you’re going to hell anyway….
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Someone came to my blog looking for “funny poems about risotto”. I feel badly I disappointed this person. If there’s a need for funny poems about risotto, I feel it should be filled. I’m busy writing my song for today, so tomorrow’s challenge is: To write funny poems about risotto. And yes, Chip, if you don’t know what risotto is, you can write a poem about not knowing. Or even better, make up a new definition for it.
I was supposed to write my Tuesday Tune on the weekend, but instead I discovered Kazaa. I spent the weekend downloading music. It was so exciting! I even made Fresh eat dinner next to the computer so he could hear my music. (We have yet to get a CD writer. I want to pick Mr. Crabby’s brain about this. He’s Grandmaster Burn. Or should I call him Mr. Burns? Yeah, that’s the ticket.)
What, you may ask, are some of these gems I have downloaded?
The Noggin Monologue from So I Married and Axe Murderer
Give a Little Respect
Jon Secada singing Angel in Spanish
Punk Rock Girl
I Wanna Be Sedated
House on Pooh Corner
Mimi on the Beach
Money (That's What I Want)
Summerland, Highland Falls
But the Queen’s Pick of the Weekend is:
I’m Addicted to You by Simple Plan. Love it! Just love it! (There’s a nice little language trick that made me do a double take.) The rest of the album, entitled No Pads, No Helmets, Just Balls, is excellent too.
I’ve got my song and my theme for today’s Tune, so stay “tuned” for it. (groan).
Today’s Best alias was found on Sugarmama’s site: Joan of Argggh. Sadly, Joan seems to have no blog.