Friday, August 29, 2003

As part of Ice Queen's Children's Show Feature, It's:


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?

Grover on E
"Grover on Ecstasy
You're funny, you're loveable, you're entertaining,
you like to call yourself "Super
Grover!"--You're obviously on ecstasy.
But that's why we love you. Be careful, ok?"

Okay, it's sick and twisted. So sue me.


Thursday, August 28, 2003

Loofah My Life

This is one sponge you won't find in a bath house, or will you? Link found on Eva's Easternblog.

Other Gay Children's Show characters?
Tinky-Winky the Teletubby
Casey from Mr. Dressup
Ernie and Bert
Lady Elaine from Mister Rogers
Spanky from Little Rascals (the name says it all)


Today, It’s All About Terry
For years, you’ve been running, hiding from the long arm of the law. Sleeping in ditches, drinking from rivers, eating tree fruit. Bathing in birdbaths. You haven’t seen your family in years. You’ve had plastic surgery. But still you drag that ragged piece of terry cloth like a banner of anarchy. Well, the wait is over. Today, you regain your dignity.

It’s August 28th and that means it’s Towel Amnesty Day!

Do you honestly think I would make something like this up?

Famous Towel Quotes
“You sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is.”
Woman opens door in towel. “Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."
The first is a no brainer, but can you identify the second? WITHOUT using google or yahoo, you cheaters (Beco).

And a great towel-named website:


Go frolic in their loopy cottony goodness.


Wednesday, August 27, 2003

”Now It’s Over I’m Dead and I Haven’t Done Anything That I Want, Or I’m Still Alive and There’s Nothing I Want To Do”
I spent last night on the Internet searching in vain for an old Matt Groening comic I remember: Akbar and Jeff’s Bohemian Coffee Hut. I can’t find it! It was so funny. “Come at loiter sullenly at Akbar and Jeff’s Bohemian Coffee Hut.” Maybe at lunch I’ll see if Indigo has The Big Book of Hell. The reason I bring this up is because Sister, Crabby and I are going to a poetry reading tonight. I may go buy a beret simply to embarrass them. Although Monica Lewinsky ruined beret-wearing for everyone. Maybe I'll just grow a goatee.

Crabby is having people writ their own obits. I’d rather someone else write mine. Please, help me out and write me an obit. Thanks.


Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Polish for the teeth and polish for the nails
Just came from the dentist. The hygenist came up with a new piece of equipment to torture me with that involves water, blood, and spinning wheels that squeal. Ugh! And they found that one of my teeth will take 18 MONTHS to recover from my wisdom tooth extraction. Can I go on Long Term Disability?

Anyhow, I have a brilliant idea. Who like going to the dentist? Who would like going to the dentists better if, whilst you were pronce in the chair, you were receivin a manicure and pedicure? Even better if it can be hidden in you insurance claim and paid for.


New Feature Gets Theme Song
We (the royal "we") have instituted Tunes on Tuesday whereby I, The Ice Queen, will rewrite popular songs for your amusement. If I can get my act together, I'll make an archive page of songs.

Anyhow, I thought this feature needed a theme song. So here it is:

New Tunes on Tuesday

Shake up the weekday the weary bleak day
You got me coming up with posts
Even when I don’t have time
Crabby says again
Could I please spellcheck it
My typos I just can’t hide
I thought it was really quite funny
But I’ll wait for you to decide
Send your pithy comments
I’ll reply with something snide
I Am The Ice Queen

CHORUS
I boot my ‘pewt and type, ‘cause it’s the
New Tunes on Tuesday
And you’ll hum than day and night
I make these songs up just to make you feel alright



Death Becomes Me
Eva at Easternblog has found a Death Calculator on the Six Feet Under site. Acording to that one, I'll die in 2095 at the age of 127.

Say what? I can't afford that. I can barely afford to live until Christmas! I'm counting on Ice Prince being a drop out so I can live off his RESP.

Anyhow, has Eva been hanging out in the Fief, or are we Psychic Friends?


Monday, August 25, 2003

Since we're talking about Six Feet Under...

Just thought I'd let you know, I'm going to die on January 4, 2047 at the age of 78.

In lieu of flowers..oh hell. Send flowers. I love flowers.

When are you going to die?

Don't be squeamish. If it's soon, you can stop socking money away in that RRSP.


Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
Ice Prince runs up to a homeless man.
I.P. Hi! Hi! My name’s Colin. Hi! (turns to me) Come on, Mommy, say hi! Don’t be shy!

Must See TV
Saw the first episode of Six Feet Under last night on Showcase. Wow. Weird, funny, scary, thought-provoking and great music. Sundays at 10. Mark your calendar. It’s about the lives of a family who own a funeral home. Which may sound liked a bad premise, but how about these premises that have really been used:
Egyptian Mummy lives with suburban family (I Love Mummy)
Furry sarcastic alien moves in with suburban family (ALF)
Slighty furry sarcastic alien moves in with cute girl (Mork & Mindy)
Two guys dress as women to live in a women only residence (Bosom Buddies with Tom Hanks!)

Sweet Songs About Love and Science
If you haven’t checked out Steve Burns, go! Listen! Mighty Little Man is my favourite. I’ve now got Eva at Easternblog listening, and some other people on her blog have joined in. It’s the next big thing and you heard it here first. If you don’t want to download the music, go wander around the site. I enjoy the Daily Affirmations and the Squirrels.


Sunday, August 24, 2003

Party Parent Gets Iced
So yesterday I was at a birthday party for a 3 year old with Ice Prince. You'd think it would be the children who would drive me insane, but it's actually the parents.

It wasn't meant to be a pool party, but there was a kiddie pool out back and some kids waded around. Later on, one parent of three dim boys picks up Ice Prince (who is trying to climb the slide) and puts him at the top to slide down. At the bottom, Colin starts to cry.
Parent: Is he hurt?
Me: No you offended his pride. He wanted to do it himself.
Parent: He's wet you know.
Me: Yeah, it's okay, it's just water.
Parent: But he's all wet
Me: Well, he'll dry eventually, won't he?


Thursday, August 21, 2003

80s Day in The Fief!



Which cheesy 80s movie are you?

Say Anything
Say Anything- John Cusack is a God, and I have
good taste

And a BONUS:


Which 80s Song Are You?


Talking Heads' "Once in a Lifetime"- "This
is actually more like advice than opinion. You
should get out of the house sometime and chill.
You've got potential."

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Whew!
I have been working hard this morning - no time to blog.

I was going to post a fun quiz last night...but my mom called and it disconnected my Internet. So watch for it tomorrow: What 80s movie are you?

So to keep you busy, try to guess which movie you are and why BEFORE I post the test. No cheating and googling the test today.

I would be so Pretty in Pink. The weirdo chick who actually ends up with a normal straight-laced (though not snobby or - damn- rich) guy. But I would SO have gone for Duckie if I were her. Sigh!

Duckie, er, Jon Cryer actually has a sitcom starting in the fall where he plays, er, the straight-laced guy. Say it ain't so!

But I digress. 80s movie and why. Chip, get Pixi in on this.

OxyMORON!

On same sex marriage and why he opposes it:
“Of course there's discrimination but in many respects it's positive discrimination. It's not meant to be homophobic. It's not meant to be things of religious zealotry,” said Dan McTeague, Liberal M.P. for Pickering-Ajax-Uxbridge.

Positive discrimination. You heard it here first.


The Essential Ice Queen

I'm essential again. Either that or they are tired of paying me to eat ice cream and buy socks at Baby Gap.

Actually, there is currently some question about whether we are rotating staff or whether we are all coming in. I'm here. Whatever.

You know, I was thinking about how the blackout looked from space and someone else had the same thought! Cool, eh?

Late breaking news: We're back in fulltime. Guess we're not going to the Ex today. Bloody hell.

Hey, everybody turn on a bunch of appliances so that we can all stay home tomorrow! Ow! Let go of my arm. I was joking! Where are you taking me? It's called humour, look into it. What do you mean you'll allow me one phone call? Hey!


Tuesday, August 19, 2003

More Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
I.P.: Fill the pool with water, Mommy.
Me: Not right now, it's almost suppertime.
I.P.: Fill the pool, Mommy?
Me: Not right now, honey.
(pause)
I.P.: I have a glass of water, Mommy?
Me: Sure, why not.
Water is dispensed. I'm thinking he's going to pour his cup of water into the pool to fill it, but he's even smarter. He stands in the middle of the empty kiddie pool, drinks the glass of water, pulls down his pants and starts to pee.
I.P.: I fill the pool myself.

I can't make up stuff that's funnier than the true stuff that happens.


Monday, August 18, 2003

Amish Paradise
So tomorrow I'm non-essential again, according to our Employee Status Line. I'm going in for a wee bit because:
1. Have to drop Ice Prince off at daycare
2. Have to e-mail something to parts of the country that have reliable hydro (Quebec).
3. Don't like being non-essential. More martyr points if I go in.

I was thinking. Doesn't this remind you of Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale? How the government phased women out of the workforce in that book? Or does this remind you more of when the non-essential people are shipped off to planet Earth because a space goat is about to eat their planet in Hitchiker's?

Am I paranoid? Just a bit. But I've got a lovely clean(ish) house now. Did the laundry by hand and hung it out to dry. Holy manual labour, Batman! Maybe I'll skiff out to the Ex for a few hours tomorrow. Doggie, doggie!

And as for the blackouts being bad for the economy? I've replaced everything in my fridge, bought cleaning supplies and got new shower curtains. I think I've done my part. Although the purchase of Tiny Tom donuts would help too. Anyone else feeling non-essential?


I am not a geek, but my friends and coworkers are...

I am 28% geek
I am a geek liaison, which means I go both ways. I can hang out with normal people or I can hang out with geeks which means I often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where I have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which I am proud. In fact, I often act as a translator.

Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.


Me [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!


Geek [to Me]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!


Me [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.


Are you a Geek?




That's Why the Lady is a (super) Tramp!
I am a non-client facing employee, and don't keep the ATMs running, therefore I am non-essential, so I'm home today. It's very weird. So here's a early treat for you "essential" people.

The Non-Essential Song
Just last week, before life became acoustical,
It was beautiful, it was electrical, mechanical.
And all neon lights, well they’d be twinkling happily,
SHOP AT GAP, GET ONE FREE
But then shut us all down, taught us how to be Mennonite,
Got mosquito bites outside at night by candlelight
And they showed me a world where I could be so amish,
My food’s spoiled, now I’m famished.

there are times when I put some washing in,
is it really such a sin
when I’m starting to smell bad?
won’t you please, please not tell Ernie Eves
it’s one of his pet peeves
(his hair oil could power Chad)

Now watch what you say or they’ll be calling you peripheral,
Feral, non-essential, ephemeral.
No need to come in, we just feel you’re
Useless, no finesse, over-stressed, too well-dressed.

Even now, it seems so strange and weird,
even Mansbridge grew a beard
Guess I’ll just stay home and clean…
I don’t want to have to wash the floor
But I’ll catch up on my chores
‘til my desk job reconvenes


Sunday, August 17, 2003

New Feature!

The Ice Prince has discovered the stereo speakers on my computer, which is now in the guest room in the basement. He is currently cranking it, jumping up and down on the bed and yelling "Let's Dance!"

Dinner at Sister Staceypatrick's last night has resulted in a new feature here I am going to call Tunes on Tuesday. Sister wanted me to call it Wednesday Warbles, but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. So watch for a satire song here every Tuesday. I'm willing to take subject or tune requests.


Saturday, August 16, 2003

The Big Blackout of 2003
So, Ice Prince and I bought hats at a dollar store (I.P. insisted on a Gay Pride hat.) We walked over the bridge 5 subway stops) and were lucky enough to grab a bus that would go by our house. Still it took 2 hours to get home and I.P. wanted to be carried most of the way, but he was awfully well behaved, considering. We all were.

We made spaghetti on the BBQ. Power was off until Friday am. It's been going off sporadically ever since. Once it scared the bejeebers out of I.P. and I had to clean bejeebers off the couch. And I've had to clean out the fridge, which can only be a good thing.

And I did the dishes by hand which was NOT a good thing. More later.


Thursday, August 14, 2003

They'll Be Ga-Ga at the Go-Go When They See Me In My Toga
Fresh has been working late nights since his boss/office manager was….err…released into the job market. I’m lonely! As soon as I get the house tidied up, maybe I’ll have an affair. Yeah, right. Like I have the energy for that.

I so need to get down with my bad self. Sadly, this will probably involve go-go dancing in Sister’s new kitchen on Saturday (she has a raised platform…who builds a go-go dancing platform into their kitchen? My friends who care about my lack of theatrical opportunities, that’s who!)

What’s some good music to go-go to? Girl From Ipanema is too slow. I’m thinking Monkees, maybe Last Train to Clarksville.

Bonus points if you can identify where the heading for this post came from.


Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Fun With Search Engines
You may remember that I have a tracker that tells me how people stumble across my blog. Here are just a few of the things people have typed into google and yahoo that brought them to the Icicle Fief:
- sappy poems
- how to open a door with a credit card
- frozen daquiri popsicles
- dental hygiene job stress
- "off like a herd of turtles" poem
- ice queen band
- hot wire a car
- tongue like a taco
- cinch bug Newfoundland
- Chateau Lafite Rothchild

I'm in awe.


Tuesday, August 12, 2003

New Leaf, Same Old Tree

Welcome to the new home of the Icicle Fief, here in the bowels of my charming East York home. Yeah, I decided to stop blogging at work. Well, to stop blogging as much, anyhow.

Tonight, we take a browse through my ancient bookmarks on my home computer:
How to Build a Sandbox
Vegan Nutloaf Recipe
Newfoundland Genealogy
Tony Aspler The Wine Guy
Donovan Patton Fan Site
Brunching Shuttlecocks: How's The Weather Down There?
The Day I Met Steve Banks
Kitschy Coasters
I Wish I Could Shimmy Like My Sister Kate

What can I say? I have eclectic tastes.


All Request Hour on COLD-FM

WARNING: You'll be singing this all day.

Hot town, summer in the city
Back on Spadina getting dirty and gritty
Flute guy, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around, ducks looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk, slimy like a fish head

But at noon the girls will come
Go out and eat dim sum
"Come on bring that cart o'er here
Chicken feet? Keep going, dear."

And babe, don't you know it's a pity
The shoes only come in size 5
In the summer, on Spadina
In the summer, on Spadina

Cool town, girls in the city
Dressing so fine and looking so pretty
Pokemon and Hello Kitty
Seems they're in every corner of the city
Till I'm wheezing like a bus stop
Running up the stairs, gonna eat and then shop

And babe, don't you know it's a pity
The shoes only come in size 5
In the summer, on Spadina
In the summer, on Spadina

Look at me! Brain the size of a planet and they’ve got me writing memos…

The older I get, the more stupid I feel.

I used to be brilliant and talented. I could write amazing poetry, understand algebra, explain subatomic particles and fix a car. Now, I can’t figure out how they get the peanut butter in those chocolate cups.

What happened? I blame moving from Glencoe. As soon as I had to get a job to pay bills and became a small fish in a huge polluted pond, my genius evaporated. Or maybe I just killed my brain cells with Long Island Iced Tea in the late 80s.



Monday, August 11, 2003

Indiana Queen and the Toddler of Doom
So, after a long day of being tested mentally and physically by a toddler (It was horrible. Just horrible.), Fresh and I collapsed on the couch and watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

We whine about our jobs but at least we don’t have to face Nazis and snakes and swords and tanks and stuff. Mind you, Indy must have a real sense of job satisfaction at the end of the day. Nothing like the Holy Grail to make a day’s work worthwhile. Even if you don’t get to keep it.

So, the continuing education catalogue is out. I’m particularly interested in Scat Singing or African Drumming. And I still like the idea of the Improv class. Magic 8 ball is rooting for Improv.

Wit and Wisdom of the Ice Prince
Ice Prince and I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday afternoon.
I.P.: I want six cookies.
Me: There’s no way I’m giving you six cookies.
I.P.: Five cookies.
Me: No.
I.P.: Three.
Me. Forget it.
I.P.: Five!
Me: Now you’re not even negotiating in the right direction.
I.P.: Six. Six cookies.
Me.: Do you even understand English?
I.P.: COOKIES! (insert toddler melt down here)

Let it be noted that he’d already had three cookies and some cookie dough, so I’m not supermean. Well, not in this instance.

Seen and Heard
What appeared to be a spray painted graffiti picture of an incontinent Stormtrooper. I expect it was meant to be something rude. People! There's a reason why they're called graffiti artsts. Leave it to the professionals.


Friday, August 08, 2003

Pigs! In! Space!
So last night, Fresh and I are watching some thing on TV showing Neil Armstrong on the moon.
“It’s a shame nothing’s ever come of that, “ say I.
“ What do you mean?” says Fresh.
“Well, they spent all that money and they’ve visited the moon, but they haven’t discovered any new medicines or habitable planets or anything that would make life better on this planet.”
What do you think? Should we (earth) have a space program? I admit it’s really cool, but couldn’t that money be better spent? Like on me and my fashion needs?



Thursday, August 07, 2003

More Wit and Wisdom of The Ice Prince
So a chair fell on my foot (why is not important to the story. It’s okay now. Both the chair and my foot.). As I sat there crying on the floor:
Ice Prince: You tired Mommy?
Me: No, I hurt my foot.
I.P.: You tired?
Me: No, I hurt my foot, see? (holding up my red and swelling foot)
I.P.: Oh. (starts grabbing gently at my eyes) I take your tears away, Mommy. See? I take your tears away.

At dinner, Ice Prince is wearing a paper crown.
I.P.: I King! Now your wear it, Mommy.
(I put on the crown)
I.P.: You’re so pretty, Mommy.



Wednesday, August 06, 2003

The Queen Is Not Amused
So, more angst.

I’ve decided that I need to learn how to do something new. To be challenged. Ideas:

Improv Classes
Fairly nearby. New classes don’t start for a while. Maybe September.

Painting
Need supplies. Like paint for instance. But a possibility. Also see: Need money

Sky Diving
Money and location a problem.

Web Site
Hmmm….not bad. But I do spend all day doing web sitey stuff, so not a real change of pace.

An instrument
Have to buy instrument. Poss. pay for lessons. Noise factor might awaken Ice Prince.

A language
Really need classes to do it justice. A bit too practical for my liking.

House Cleaning
I want to buy the book Home Comforts. It’s exercise, it’s practical and it’s a lost art.

Cooking
Been there, done that. But I would like to branch out into crème brulé, pies and other more advanced dessert items.

Gardening
But by the time I have free time at night, it’s dark.

Reading
Bad for the waistline. Causes me to obsessively read until I finish the book. Expensive (I can read a book a day). Libraries rarely carry books I want to read.

Building
We need a shed. I was thinking of building one. Prob of materials cost.

Sewing/Knitting
Too passive.

What I really wish I could do is something like THIS. Sigh!


Tuesday, August 05, 2003

A Black Fly in Your Chardonnay

SARS?




Fringe Festival
So I told Boomer I was going to get bangs and he was adamantly opposed. I was a bit taken aback by his vehemence, I must admit. And now I read THIS. Now, I don’t normally hold truck with the National Post (archaic phrase there for ya, Chip), but I’m worried that word got out to the public that I was getting bangs, and now it’s going to sweep the nation. And I, dear readers, will remain unfringed.

I’m thinking I might do it. Whaddya think?