Friday, May 30, 2003

We All Scream
It’s a beautiful day in the Icicle ’hood. Sunny, warm. And a young girl’s fancy turns to thoughts of ice cream trucks.

I love ice cream trucks. The ice cream is good, but it’s the truck itself I love and what it stands for. The happy carefree tune that drifts through the summer dusk as the truck ambles along. Proust can keep his madeleines, I’ll take the sound of the ice cream truck any day.

I also adore the names of ice cream trucks. Some in our neighbourhood include Mr. Twisthead and Mister Softee.

Have you seen any good ice cream truck names?

And what would be a good ice cream truck name? How about:
The Ice Cream Man Cometh
The SquisheeMobile
Brain Freeze ‘R’ Us

Anybody ever see the movie where Steve Buscemi drives an ice cream truck? It wasn’t very good, which is too bad because the premise sounded great.

Playing in My Head: David Lee Roth singing, "I'm Your Ice Cream Man stop me when I'm passing by, all my flavours are guaranteed to satisfy." (Real song. Honest.)


Thursday, May 29, 2003

The McCartneys are Expecting
How did that happen? Let’s take a peek a couple of months ago into Casa McCartney:

Heather: Let’s have a baby.
Paul: No.
H: Now just listen for a sec. I know you already have two kids…
P: Three. I think it’s three….
H: But I don’t have any. I want to have a baby. And you’re not getting any younger.
P: Yeah, I’m too old to deal with that nonsense all over again.
H: We could get a nanny.
P: But I like to spend time with my kids.
H: Yes,I saw the Linda documentary on HBO. Frolicking with the children. I want that too.
P: Plus nannies are expensive.
H: You’re not exactly poor.
P: Yeah, well I’m waiting for that bat-freak Jackson to go bankrupt so I can buy all my songs back. Bastard. So I’ve got to keep all the money I can.
H: But I want something to love!
P: What am I chopped Salisbury steak? Besides you’re busy with that Gold Mining charity.
H: Land mines. They’re land mines.
P: You could spend time with my kids. Go clothes shopping with Stella.
H: Shopping with Stella? That’s no fun. All she does is criticize the workmanship of the clothes. “Look at this shoddy stitching!” she says. Bloody bore, if you ask me.
P: What about a hobby?
H: Like photography?
P: (flinches from being kicked in the shin )
H: Well, if you’re not interested, I know someone else who would love to have kids with me.
P: Who?
H: Michael Jackson. He loves kids. Especially blonde haired blue eyed white kids.
P: (through clenched teeth) Fine. You win. We'll do it.
H: Yay!


Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Glory Days
I’m not exactly how this happened, but by the age of 12 I had developed a very strong sense of what was needed to be popular:
1. Be Student Council President
2. Be a cheerleader

My family moved a lot, so I found myself starting Grade 8 at a school that had a Student Council. It was my first week of school and I didn’t know anyone, but I decided to go for it. I had great posters (Don’t be snoozin’, vote for Susan). And to the shock and amazement of me and my parents – I won!

It was merely a figurehead job. And it never made me popular, but I was proud that I had done it.

Years later, I ran into someone who went to that school (she was in Grade 5 when I was in Grade 8).
Marta: I remember you were Student Council President.
Me: Yeah. I could never figure out why I won, since no one knew me.
Marta: Well, the Grade 5s voted for you because you had boobs.
Me: Whaaaaaaa?!

You read it here first. Ice Queen won political office because she was eye candy. (Katie Holmes, eat your heart out.)

Three years later, I also managed to make the High School Cheerleading Squad. I was Assistant Captain, even. I’m not sure how that happened either. Suffice it to say, our squad didn’t do any gymnastics – only cheers:
“Thunder thunder thunderation
We’re the Glencoe delegation
When we fight with determination
We create a sensation.”

And travel was involved. We got to go to West Lorne for the Senior Volleyball Finals.

Which reminds me, I was also on the Public Speaking Team (who’s surprised?). When I won, they told me I was going to the next level of competition – in Wyoming! I was thrilled, but later found out it was about an hour away in Southwestern Ontario. This explained why Mr. Leach said he’d drive me there.

I also won third in the Kiwanis Music festival for my singing. And yes, there were only three in my division.

Ah, high school.

Question of the Day: When and where was your first kiss? (real, not as a 4 year old) If you’re saving yourself for marriage, that’s okay.


Tuesday, May 27, 2003

All We Are Saying……
Forget the Road Map to Peace
Forget Operation Ultimate Freedom (errr…I think I’m confusing that with Ultimate Frisbee). Enduring! That’s it.
The universal language, the one thing that ties us all together, the one thing that can ensure peace, love and the second coming of the god of your choice is:
The Chicken Poem.
….is Give Beaks a Chance……


This Will be a Happy Memory
Last night, after his bath, Ice Prince was wrapped in a towel, he lay down on the floor with his head on a pillow. I lay down beside him. He put his chubby little arm around me, smiled and said “I happy, Mommy.”

Whereas This Seems Like a Simpsons Rerun
This morning, Ice Prince started calling me “Susan”.

The Trick is Not To Shake Him Too Hard
I’ve decided that my son is like a Magic 8 Ball. Last night I asked him if I should go after a new job and he said: “No, Mommy. Eat cookies.”

Best advice I’ve ever heard.

Separated at Birth
Nino Ricci (1997) and John Oates.(1980ish).

Movie Review
Saw Harry Potter Part Two last night. Children’s movie my butt. Snakes. Spiders. Ugh!

But Daniel Radcliffe is going to be positively yummy in a few more years. Reminds me of Chris Makepeace who played Rudy in what is possibly the best movie of all time: Meatballs. Pardon me while I go hum the soundtrack for the rest of the day.


Monday, May 26, 2003

Chicken 'n' Entrails
I had a lovely weekend of BBQing and gardening and stuff, but now I am entering the week from hell here at work, due to some crazy deadlines that were set by throwing entrails or some such thing.
So for today, let's have a little audience participation. Here's the inspiration.

Let's hear those compositions. Boomer and you other non-commenting lurkers, this means you too.

I'll work on mine and get back to you later today.

Enjoy!


Friday, May 23, 2003

A Night Out and All That Jazz
Built in 1832, the Gooderham and Worts Distillery southeast of Parliment and Front. has sat idle for a long time. It used to produce 10% of Canada’a national revenue. True! It has lots of cool old brick buildings and cobblestone (well, brick) streets. It’s a pedestrian-only village that is going to be a new entertainment district. They've kept the original architecture and even restarted up a small brewery there. The venue opened last night with the Distillery Jazz Festival.

The Jazz Festival is great because you buy one pass and visit different venues including indoor and outdoor stages. It’s not really solely “jazz”. We saw:
Ron Davies Trio with Lori Cullen – Jazz with vocals. Weird choices but amazingly done very well. Their version of Alone Again Naturally pleasantly surprised me. We bought TWO of their CDs and got Lori to sign one.
Tasa – caught the tail end of this waiting for the next show. Like George Harrison’s Indian period. Bleagh.
Daniel Barnes Trio – Free form jazz. Not really my style, but the drum solos were great. He reminded me of Steven Banks. If you don’t know who Steven Banks is, you’re really missing out. If you know him and don’t like him, you’re Crabby.

They also have art galleries throughout the buildings. Fresh and I found a picture we like, but it’s $1700. We even found a picture by Billy Dee Williams for $7000. It was not too bad.

Buskers and street vendors line the streets.

The beer varies wildly. If you can, get the Wheat Beer. The Sparkling ale is OK too. The wine isn’t the best, but it’s not Sawmill creek either, so that’s good.

The festival is on until June 1. Go! Enjoy! Tickets range from free on weekend afternoons to $25 in the evening.

Oh and how did the babysitter work out? Well, Ice Prince went to bed before she arrived and slept through the whole night. (Unfortunately, he hit his head TWICE before bedtime, so of course I assumed his deep sleep was due to a concussion. It wasn't. Just a belly full of rice and a warm bath.) The cats never appeared. We must do that more often.


Thursday, May 22, 2003

From the Annals (stop laughing, Chip, it’s a real word) of Business:

About a tech device:
“Everybody and their pussycat has one now.”

At the end of a letter:
“Have an awesome day!
Name withheld
Director or Sales
Really Big Company (not mine)”


It's Spontaneously Become John Cleese Day in the Icicle Fief*

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
John Cleese (1939 - )

*with apologies to Crabby.
Basil the Rat
Without Manuel and the Siberian Hamster, What's the Point?

Babysitting, She Wrote
Babysitter called last night to introduce herself. She sounds like Angela Lansbury. I feel better already. Except when I woke up at 4 am remembering what happened to the LAST babysitter.

Leo (the nice cat, not the Psycho–kitty) cornered the babysitter. She had to call her mom and together they locked him (Leo, not Ice Prince) in the basement.

What do you do when your cats are more trouble than your kid? I can put Leo outside, but what about Psycho-kitty? If I lock her anywhere, she’ll howl her brains out.

Also bothered at 4am by fact that I’m supposed to have a speech written by tomorrow. Guess the best way to fix that worry is to write the bloody thing.

At least I have a date tonight!


Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Separation Anxiety
Just booked a babysitter through an agency so Fresh and I can go to the Distillery Jazz Festival Opening tomorrow night.

Ohhhhhhh....I feel sick. What if Ice Prince wakes up? And there's only a stranger there? Ohhhhhh....


Ice Queen Asks the Hot Questions
So the reason I bring this up is not personal. I just came back from lunch and saw one half of a suspected office romance waiting for the other (married) half and it got me thinking:

1. What counts as cheating?
2. Would you forgive your significant other if he/she cheated on you? What would you forgive and what wouldn’t you?
3. If you knew someone was cheating on their spouse, would you tell the spouse?
4. Do you believe people should stay together “for the kids”?
5. While in a relationship, have you ever flirted with someone just to experience the thrill of being interesting to someone other than your significant other?

Really, it’s not personal. Fresh once said to me: “I wouldn’t cheat on you. I’m too busy. If I had that kind of time I’d be at the archives instead.” I’m sure he’s sincere. (Fresh always is.)


Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Make It Stop!
Did a lot of garden work on the weekend and I hate Sedum.

What is Sedum, you may ask? Well, it’s a succulent kind of plant that spreads like Tribbles from Star Trek. It’s not even pretty. Ripping it our doesn’t kill it. If it lands on some other soil, it roots itself. I even think if you rip it into pieces, each piece develops into a new plant.

Attack of the Sedum. Coming to a Drive –In near you.

My First Drive-In Movie
I saw my first drive-in movie at the age of 5. It was American Graffiti. I was bored, and I feel asleep in the car. Actually, that was my last drive-in movie.

False Alarm
Ice Prince does NOT have chicken pox, contrary to popular belief. He did, however, hop up on Dr Hibbert’s little stool and perform several songs with accompanying choreography. It was worth it to hear the trademark Hibbert laugh. We also went to St. Lawrence market and Ice Prince did some interpretive dance to some really goods blues music. Kid has taste.

My First Story
Mom and Dad are moving, within Glencoe. Anyhow, Mom’s packing so she phoned me up and read me this story I wrote in Grade 1 or 2:
“I have a dog.
He likes me.
He’s name is Laddie.
He’s bin runned over 4 times.”

You can just see the genius shining through, eh? Or is that “Shinning”?

Cottage Reading
This year I am planning on reading John Stackhouse’s Timbit Nation on the beach. The story of a journalist who hitchhiked across Canada. Non-fiction.


Thursday, May 15, 2003

Things that make me sad
Last night Ice Prince and I were walking to the bus. One of his classmates was sitting on the curb and her mom was tying her shoe. Suddenly the girl yells “That’s Colin. I don’t like him!” The mother said. “You musn’t say that”. The child again yelled, “But I don’t like him!” “Why?” asked the mother. But the child just mumbled something.

Like Ralph Wiggum, you could actually see the moment when my heart broke. I.P. seemed oblivious, thank goodness.

And this morning on the bus, Ice Prince was being his exuberant self (not bad or disruptive), and someone said “Somebody get that kid some Ritalin.” When I looked up, no one had the guts to look me in the eye. Boy, was I mad.

Things that make me happy
My parents have developed their own words and phrases. Here is a sampling:
Jowl Juice – The drool that comes from happy cats
Carpet Pizza – When the cat throws up on the rug
Purina Patina – When the cat throws up on the window
Meese Knees – When a Siamese cat sleeps so long on you lap, your knees fall asleep
Sleepy Fur – The ruffled fur of a just-awoken cat (can also be applied to humans – equiv to Bed Head)
Cheedle – The orange goo you get on your fingers when eating Cheesies

Speaking of my Parents
Mom just phoned me and they sold their house, so they’re moving. Those of you who know my parents will be surprised that they’ve actually been in their current house for 7 years. I know I am.

And it was so nice of them to tell me this time.


Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Grammar Nerd

“Grammar Nerd, Grammar Nerd
She’ll make you all rethink that word!”

Today we have a visit from Grammar Nerd. Grammar Nerd travels throughout the world smiting those who use poor grammar.

“Stronger than Silent ‘e’, able to leap Capital ‘T’ with a single bound
It’s a noun, it’s a word, it’s Grammar Nerd!”

Can you feel the excitement? Grammar Nerd today addresses some of the most commonly misused words:

Complimentary - free
The nachos are complimentary with a beverage purchase.
Complementary – goes well with
This El Sol beer really complements the nachos.

Stationery – office supplies
I need to order some stationery from Grand & Toy.
Stationary – standing still
Dad has been stationary in his recliner for more than four hours

Principles – rules you live by
I refuse to compromise my principles by sampling from the bulk food bins.
Principals -- heads of an institution
Skinner is one of my favourite principals.
BONUS:
The principals of the law firm met to discuss the principles by which they would conduct their business.

Its – Belonging to it
My cat is always eating its food.
It’s – It is
It’s really good food, I guess.

Those are the biggies. I’m sure Crabby (Grammar Nerd Classic®) will have some to add.

So now you know. You’re welcome.



Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Are You Hot?

"Ice Queen," you’ve been asking, "What’s hot this season? How can I choose my spring wardrobe, entertain my friends and decorate my home without your wise guidance?"

Here’s The Ice Queen Guide to What’s Hot and What’s Not®:

HOT----NOT
Mexican Food----Greek Food
Roasted Tomatoes----Sundried Tomatoes
Orzo----Risotto
Flip flops----Slippers
Black and white----Just black
Tulips----Geraniums
Water----Coffee
Pancakes----French Toast
Cheap red wine with cola----Spritzers
Vespas----Bikes (unless they has a wicker basket and horn)
Silver----Gold
Frolicking----Cavorting

Never Ever In
Track Pants
Food where you Just Add Water
Scrunchies
Wine Coolers

More to come. Feel free suggest more for the list.


Lasting Effects of My Surgery

I know this sounds weird but I can't nibble.

It's true! I've always had an overbite, but the way my jaw was sewn up, I can't make my top front teeth meet my front bottom teeth.

I never realized how much I nibble. Maybe I'll sue.

(Fresh at this point, would say "But you're aleady Sue!".)


Friday, May 09, 2003

John Tesh and My Childhood Angst

I read this morning that a woman is suing John Tesh for stealing her 9/11 poem for his new album. (That’s pretty funny by itself.) But the incident brought back a painful repressed memory that I will share with you now.

When I was in Grade 7, I wrote a poem. It was a great poem about a hunter who kills a duck. I can’t remember much, but the last three lines were:
“His breath now comes in paces
They all would gladly take his place
A selfish hunter just to please.”
I mean, this was quality literature. The alliteration! The assonance! The personification! Another girl in my class wrote an excellent and funny poem about throwing a paper airplane.

The teacher decided to give a prize for best poem and she won. I was second.

When I got home that night, I picked up an Ontario Teacher’s Federation magazine my dad had brought home. There was the paper airplane poem….attributed to SOMEONE ELSE.

Hah! She hadn’t written it after all! I was so mad and thrilled. I couldn’t wait to tell my teacher. But my parents insisted that nobody likes a snitch and that I shouldn’t tell. I suggested that the magazine be left anonymously on his desk, but again, my parents said I shouldn’t.

I didn’t tell. But I still feel to this day that I should have. What do you think?



Thursday, May 08, 2003

The weird and wonderful Ice Queen you remember begins to emerge......

Ode to Styrofoam

Take in, how I love you
So tidy neat and nice
Sometimes you order noodles
Sometimes you order rice

I love the little chopsticks
That splinter when you break ‘em
And dinners taste much better
When you don’t have to make ‘em

I love those little wet naps
I love the Moo Shu Pork
I love that thing at KFC
Which is best called a Spork

KFC Oh KFC
Your coleslaw is so blue
Be it sushi, greek or ‘za
Oh take-in I love you!



So I am emerging slowly from my antibiotic haze. My mouth is “perfect” (says the Orillia-Maximillian surgeon), but the drugs killed me.

Lost
Four teeth
About 10 pounds
Chance to make fudge with Crabby

Gained
Expanded wardrobe (now fit into some pre-preg clothes)
Fear of antibiotics
Love of cranberry and gingerale
Respect for Fresh’s ability to run the household without me
A very messy house (running the household did not include cleaning, except for dishes)

Need
Teeth cleaning
Massage
Manicure/pedicure
More new clothes
Basically, a spring tune-up

Yeah, boring post, but I’m recovering. More Ice Queen Brand hilarity and weirdness as the days pass.


Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Yes, I've been ignoring my blog because I feel nasty.

Yes, I still love you all.

Yes, I will be back soon.

Hang in there.

Friday, May 02, 2003

Picture of Me (bottom right hand panel).

Thanks to Crabby for the comparison, and for the amazing potato soup. I love my friends.

My mother laughed at me when I tried to tell her what I had for dinner last night "Puree of Asparagus", which sounded like "Pway of Aswpairagwus".

Can't stay. Feeling crappy (not crabby).


Thursday, May 01, 2003

Errrr...the question in the last post was rhetorical. Now I fear telling you about how it went and how I'm feeling. So we'll keep it simple.

My best friends are
Nitrous Oxide (Laughing Gas) -- Amazing!
Codeine -- mmmmmmm.....codeine!
Tapioca -- Vanilla from Whole Foods. Ah!
The Satellite TV -- Jon Stewart! Martha Stewart! Patrick Stewart!
Fresh -- well, he always was my best friend. But he's working very hard to keep me comfy, cozy and seated on the couch with pillow and blankies.

My new enemies are
Satellite TV -- How can 500 channels mostly be sports, soap operas and religious programming?
Telemarketers -- The phone's ringing. Is it important or not?

Well wishers
Boomer made me two CDs, for which I am grateful. My favourite lines are from the first song on Sondre's album:
"When there is fear, you don't have to cry, here are some napkins, so dry your eyes."
How many times have I dried my tears with napkins? (I mean in my life) . That line is so perfect.

Dear Friend Dave will nag me to write a poem, which I have begun. It's called "Mouth Organ." It isn't necessary about my surgery, but it is inspired by thinking about my mouth a lot recently. There should be food and sex in it, so it should be classic Ice Queen poetry. Watch for it.

Speaking of Sex
I meant to post this ages ago, but forgot. A real estate agent has advertised in Xtra that for every mortgage request he receives, he'll enter you in a contest to "Shave My Communist." Actually the word wasn't communist. It was another four letter word starting with "c", but I don't know how sensitive everyone's net security is at work.

I wonder if the winner gets to shave his bolsheviks too.


New Toronto Ad Campaign
Did you hear that Chretien's going to decriminalize pot? And Mirvish is offering special deals for tourists? Why not combine the two?
Two Tickets to Lion King
Four Tickets to a Blue Jays Game
One Night's Acommodation
One Big Honkin' Bag of Weed (free rolling paper including)

Now if THAT doesn't bring in the Americans, I don't know what will.